To feel upset about sons no contact

[otherthanthat]

My ds is early 20s and lives back home with us now.
He met a girl a couple of years ago and she took an instant dislike to every member of our family, he moved in with her and they blocked us and went no contact for 18 months until they split and he came home.
He's never mentioned the no contact apart from to say he hadn't wanted to, it was her, and she didn't like anyone. He had a choice too though.

I have a close relationship with DS and we do lot's together but so did we before he met his ex and so I feel sad to know he would just turn his back on us all if someone else wanted him to.

I wouldn't ever mention it to him but I feel hurt that he didn't even give us an explanation, just ghosted us all and then casually tells us 18 months later, don't worry you didn't do anything wrong.
I understand he would put his gf first and would expect him to but 18 months felt like such a long time, and so many people were hurt, my mum died in that time still hoping for a reconciliation.

He lives here now and just behaves like nothing happened, his little sisters were hurt and confused as were other grandparents, but he seems unaffected and just carries on as though we should all be so pleased to see him again.
Maybe I should be grateful but I feel we spend 18 months wondering what we'd done wrong, worried we'd never see or hear from him, for him to say we didn't do anything wrong.
I suppose knowing I couldn't have done that to my beloved mum and that he could do it hurts the most.

I think this is so hard because the hurt he has caused hasn't been acknowledged.

It's not that he needs to explain more, but he should acknowledge and be sorry for the hurt he caused.

You can't treat people as he treated you and his family and just expect them to move on without some shared understanding of what everyone experienced.

If I was you I'd find some time and tell him how you feel, what you went through and how it's still upsetting you.

Tell him what you need from him. You probably need reassurance that he loves and appreciates you and regrets the way he treated you.

This thread makes for pretty grim reading.

A man is seemingly cut off from his family, and everyone piles on to say it's his fault, he needs to take responsibility and it doesn't matter that his girlfriend may have been controlling or abusive.

I suspect if this was a daughter who had been cut off, people would be full of sympathy and saying she mustn't blame herself, that the abuse wasn't her fault etc.

The bottom line is, what do you want more - your son back, or the big confrontation where you get to air your grievances about this? Because you might not get both.

By all means push for a further explanation, but be prepared that you might not get the “I’m so sorry, please can you forgive me?” response you’re hoping for. You might just come up against a wall of frustration and “I’ve already told you, you did nothing wrong, it was her, just leave it”.

In this house it would go something like this, I am going to talk, you are going to listen, you are going to answer the questions I have and then we will move on.

This is all a bit soap opera. What would you do if the answer was “No”?

Yes this it is easy to say he coulda,shoulda but at the time he wanted to please her. Least its over now.

People can do daft and selfish things in their early 20s. Some people do actually manage to grow and change as a person after that. Also I think you have to let young adults go, and make their mistakes. You don't then endlessly punish them and go on about what they did for the rest of their lives. I'd express how sad it made me feel and that I missed him then move on. You might find that if you maintain an open dialogue he will open up about what happened, if he even knows why, or some emotional development will occur on his side and he will actually work out why he did it.

@coffeecupsandwaxmelts is the difference that a woman would probably talk about it and blame herself, whereas the DS just appears to carry on as if nothing happened. Obviously, if it was an abusive relationship you wouldn't blame the person but would be providing support and guidance on recognising red flags, as common for people to enter another abusive relationship

I don't think that's relevant, really. He probably does blame himself and feel guilty, he just doesn't want to walk about it.

Anyway, anyone who has been in an abusive relationship should be treated the same by outsiders regardless of whether they outwardly blame themselves afterwards or not.

Maybe he will talk about it in time.
Maybe he's embarrassed or ashamed.
Maybe he was hoping for a bit more understanding from his mum.

Some of the comments on here are just horrible.

You might just come up against a wall of frustration and “I’ve already told you, you did nothing wrong, it was her, just leave it”.
I know him and yes this is exactly what I'd get if I brought it up which is why I never have.

When I was your son's age, I was in a relationship that took me away from home. During that time I ended up distanced from my friends and family. Not NC, but gradually distanced.

I look back now and can see that it was a combination of my boyfriend being a bit controlling, but also pure naivety of me wanting to focus on my relationship (he was my first boyfriend and I thought my world had to revolve around him).

When we split up, my parents (like you) welcomed me back with open arms and I got back in touch with old friends too (and even stole my now-ex's friends in the break up too 😂)

I've never really discussed that time with my parents as ultimately I'm quite embarrassed that I missed out on that time with them. Your son may be feeling similar and he's just ultimately grateful that he (or she) didn't ruin your relationship forever.

Please focus on the now. Support him and love him and be there to guide him with future relationships.

I am now married and my DM particularly adores my DH!

Then it sounds like his relationship with you is conditional on him getting what he wants. That's sad, sorry. It also means you are likely to be deprioritised in the future.

Meh, men are a bit weak.. not half as tough as us lasses..

Taking a problem - solving approach may help. You can factually, not accusingly, tell him the impact it had on you and other family members. Because it must have been HUGE for you, wondering what you'd done wrong, if you'd ever see him again. He may not have thought this through and may not really understand, but to be a decent human being, and hopefully to be a decent partner and possibly parent in the future, he needs to get a bit better at communication than just refusing to discuss the past. Make it clear you're not blaming him, and that you don't know what may have been going on in his relationship, but you want to help him have a better toolkit for coping with relationships in future. Raise the possibility of seeing a counsellor, eg an online one. He may pooh-pooh this, but you are still setting the tone that it's a reasonable thing to do, and that these are people who can help us better manage relationships. He may not agree to now, but may be more open-minded about the possibility of he needs it in future.

My heart goes out to you OP - as the mother of children that age I can imagine how turbulent this period has been for you.

I wouldn't ever mention it to him but I feel hurt that he didn't even give us an explanation

Why wouldn't you mention it to him? He's an adult. He should be aware of the pain he's caused.

He owes apologies to the people he hurt.

But what about your own feelings, are you not allowed to express those? That being cut off like that was a horrible thing to go through, for all of his family and it makes you feel worried that it might happen again.

I would be really hurt that there was no sign of any empathy at all for what you’d suffered, as if you and the rest of his family somehow ceased to exist when he wasn’t around, like minor characters in his own personal soap opera.

Of course you should also empathise with his problems, but why on earth can’t it be a two way thing?

OP, do you feel that it was genuinely a case of a toxic and controlling relationship where your son couldn't make contact with you? Or do you suspect that he was too busy shagging and keeping gf happy to think about all of you? Because it rather depends on what kind of person your son is. It does sound as though his gf wasn't happy with your family (but if you're all very close and generally in one another's pockets, she may have just wanted to get away from that), but do you believe she was completely behind your son's cutting of contact?

If you think he was manipulated into going NC, then you need to have a little talk with him about avoiding manipulative girlfriends. If you think that your family unit may be a little too tight for many incomers to cope with, then possibly loosen up a little (most men in their 20's don't do 'lots' with their mums). But if you think it was maybe that he might have discovered sex and having a girlfriend full time - then you have to prepare yourself, because he will do it again.

You haven't mentioned it to him? I wouldn't have been able not to.

You should tell him that he should have come to you. That he can talk to you about anything, that you will support him. I'd also mention how much he hurt you.

Even though he was in an abusive relationship, he had a choice. He could have left, he could have contacted you.

I think, at best, he thought he had to give top priority to the GF (he’s not the first young person to do that and he won’t be the
last); At worst, he was totally coerced by the CF into cutting you off and we hear a lot about coercive relationships on MN.
If he is behaving in an acceptable way mostly (thoughtful around the house, funding himself etc) maybe what he needs is space to process what he has been through. It may only be when he is in a new relationship that he sees the contrast with the previous one.

How did the conversation go when he got back in touch to say he had split up with the GF and wanted to come home?

This sounds really difficult OP. I acknowledge the pain and hurt this has caused, with a bereavement in that time as well.

From experience it’s hard to live with this pain even if you know that it was due to an abusive / toxic relationship.

I think this is a heavy load and the impact is deeply felt. I’m not sure how to raise it with your DS. But I do think you need the space and time to talk about it. I’d consider counselling to work through some of this. 💐

My sister was in a relationship like this in her mid 20’s. Her partner took an instant dislike to us (no idea why but they had severe mental health issues)and my sister stopped coming back home to visit us, my mum was devastated as we had previously been a very close family. It went on for 3 years until it became apparent dsis was in an abusive relationship, so I helped her to leave.
Tbh, even 20+ years later this has still left an unspoken dent in all of our relationships even though we are all now close again, it’s something we never really talk about with my sister as I think she is deeply ashamed and embarrassed that she caused us so much pain (there were many things which went on during that time).
You must be so very relieved that your ds has managed to step away from a controlling relationship, it’s one of my fears that one of my dc will go through this having seen how it can wreck families.

I do feel she didn't treat him wonderfully and was fearful that he'd talk to friends/family and he'd be advised that her behaviour was unreasonable or come to realise this.
I also believe that's the reason she wanted us all out of the picture so she could control him without anyone questioning it.
I also believe he was so wrapped up in having a girlfriend that he bent over backwards to keep her and if it meant walking away from his family and friends to be with her then so be it.

I also believe he left because he couldn't keep up with her demands as he told his dad she was too high maintenance in the end.
I do think he would do the same again in a heartbeat in the future.

I agree with you. I would be hurt and I would need to talk about it with him to get closure.

I had a brother who did this when we were younger. He met a girl and fell head over heels and after a few months; moved out and cut all contact with family for 4 years. We didn’t know if he was alive or anything. It really hurt me also as we are only a year apart and we have always done everything together and told each other everything so when he essentially wrote us off and turned on us; it effected all of us.

When he returned; my parents didn’t want to question him as they were just happy he was home and even showered him with gifts, money and attention I felt to keep him happy and avoid him disappearing again. But I had to ask and even after getting an explanation; I still can’t believe he put us through that.

My brother did this. Three times. With three different women. Each time it went wrong he came running back to us. One woman was especially vile to me - had a personal vendetta against me. They were all really threatened by how close my brother and I were. But he also turned his back on the rest of our family, every time. My mum was so hurt and thought that he was ashamed of her. Truth was, he was ashamed of where he came from as we grew up poor - but our family were very close, regardless.

Each time it happened it was with women who came from very middle class families with big houses and [what he thought were] respectable families. Turns out they were all as bad as everyone else in society and actually our family had better moral codes.

I am still friendly with my brother now but I was incredibly hurt several times by him and it has definitely changed how I view him and feel about him in later life which is a real shame.

Christ, the bar for being "toxic" and "abusive" is so bloody low now on MN.

I'd bet my next wage that OP's son is a selfish little scrote who thought of nothing else but getting his end away and his family being fallout didn't bother him in the slightest. He's now doing the age-old man thing of not wanting to talk about it because - I reckon - he doesn't think he should be called out on anything ever.