To feel upset about sons no contact

[otherthanthat]

My ds is early 20s and lives back home with us now.
He met a girl a couple of years ago and she took an instant dislike to every member of our family, he moved in with her and they blocked us and went no contact for 18 months until they split and he came home.
He's never mentioned the no contact apart from to say he hadn't wanted to, it was her, and she didn't like anyone. He had a choice too though.

I have a close relationship with DS and we do lot's together but so did we before he met his ex and so I feel sad to know he would just turn his back on us all if someone else wanted him to.

I wouldn't ever mention it to him but I feel hurt that he didn't even give us an explanation, just ghosted us all and then casually tells us 18 months later, don't worry you didn't do anything wrong.
I understand he would put his gf first and would expect him to but 18 months felt like such a long time, and so many people were hurt, my mum died in that time still hoping for a reconciliation.

He lives here now and just behaves like nothing happened, his little sisters were hurt and confused as were other grandparents, but he seems unaffected and just carries on as though we should all be so pleased to see him again.
Maybe I should be grateful but I feel we spend 18 months wondering what we'd done wrong, worried we'd never see or hear from him, for him to say we didn't do anything wrong.
I suppose knowing I couldn't have done that to my beloved mum and that he could do it hurts the most.

I think you may underestimate the extremely clever ways in which abusive partners can distance you from family. And how they can make you feel when you 'disobey' them.

I probably do underestimate it. But that's because I have never been in an abusive relationship and never would be.

I am not the sort of person who can be controlled. The last boyfriend who tried to do that was swiftly shown the door.

I am often baffled why people put up with it. Maybe someone can enlighten me.

Sigh.

Nobody ever goes into a relationship thinking it's controlling. Nobody ever thinks they will be easy to control. But when it's all psychological, cleverly and subtley done, presented as being 'for you' and introduced very slowly and carefully - believe me, even the cleverest, most forthright, unsuggestible and uncontrollable person can find themselves suddenly unwilling to do something they might otherwise have done without thinking, 'because it will only upset him.'

Sorry but I do think he owes you all an explanation. He needs some accountability for his actions. Why does he get to waltz in and pick up as normal when he deeply affected his family. Easy enough to assume abuse, but he has a mind of his own and needs to take responsibility for his actions. If anything he owes his little sisters an apology or explanation for hurting them.

No need for the sigh - a bit sarcastic.

That's your opinion - not mine. I am fully aware of what I will and will not tolerate in a relationship.

I don't need to be in a relationship and easily walk away from relationships and people I find unpleasant.

Perhaps your boundaries are different to mine and while I respect your opinion, please don't assume you can speak for everyone else.

Pretty much everyone who has ever been in an abusive relationship has said "I'd never tolerate X" or "I'd never stay with someone who did Y".

Abusive relationships don't start off abusive - otherwise nobody would stay in them. It happens slowly, gradually, over time - so you don't realise what's happening to you until it's already done.

You're not some special person who's immune to falling for an abuser - it can happen to anyone.

You're not some special person who's immune to falling for an abuser - it can happen to anyone.

I don't agree. From everything I've read, abusers pick their victims fairly carefully. They'll do a few things to test the boundaries, and if they get pushback from someone with healthy self esteem, they'll move on - or more probably be shown the door.

But I don't think OP's son was abused anyway. Sounds more like she didn't like his family and he decided to go along with it cos easy life. Only now it's just very convenient to blame his behaviour on the ex girlfriend.

I don't think he was abused either.

But saying "I'd never be abused" is unbelievably arrogant, imo. You have no idea what the future might throw at you, and what you might go through to destroy your self-esteem and make you vulnerable.

Just because you feel strong now, doesn't mean you'll be strong forever.

Well if he were my son, I wouldn't stop him from living at home, but I would certainly explain in no uncertain terms the impact he had on his family, which OP doesn't seem to want to do. Maybe he simply can't explain it beyond saying it was what the gf wanted, but he should be made to understand how inconsiderate and selfish he has been.

Maybe he has some SEN but it sounds more like OP just sadly accepts her fate, whilst dreading the same could happen again in the future. He's 22, not terribly young, but likely not as mature as he will be, since it is said the brain continues maturing till 25. He still needs to be taught about being a decent human being - might not work, but at least she should give it a try.

As for the likelihood of falling into an abusive relationship, look up the Shark Cage.

https://www.thesharkcage.com/

It's simply not true than just anyone can become the victim of an abuser. It's far more likely to be people who have suffered trauma and abuse in childhood.

'more likely'. That doesn't mean that the ONLY people who fall into abusive relationships have come from bad backgrounds.

And anyone who says 'oh, I am WAY too strong and have WAY too much self belief to EVER fall into an abusive relationship' just gives everyone who has ever been in one another knock back

They aren't weak. They aren't desperate for a man. They won't put up with anything just to say 'I have a boyfriend.' And they aren't all traumatised from childhood. If YOU have never been in an abusive relationship, then good for you, but shut up. You have no knowledge about how it works.

I had a controlling, abusive, isolating dp for 8 years. I still think this warrants an apology to you.

I grew up in a family where my paternal grandparents and aunts, uncles and cousins were slowly excluded from our family and family events. They simply were not posh enough to fit into my mother's view of our middle class family. At first it was low contact until the once yearly visits became no real contact. My father's family tried but my mother was so snooty and dismissive of them that they gave up. My mother still moaned when they died and left my father nothing.
I see so many women who have little or no contact with their husband's family.
I get on well with my daughter in law. There is much to like but I see her behavioural signs when she has had enough of us. She goes silent or goes up stairs. We do an awful lot of childcare so she needs to have a relationship with us but it is very much on her terms. She was very rude and dismissive of me when we were hosting an event for her parents when they were visiting. I really didn't notice, she is often brusque and dismissive but her parents did notice and made her apologise. I think we're were all taken aback. I really don't think she likes her own behaviour and she can be very kind after particularly snappy attacks on me. She finds it hard to think of her husband being part of a loving family before she met him. That is very common. There was a thread on MN recently quoting research showing that statistically many women don't like women outside their biological family. You only have to see the threads attacking MILS, SILS and step daughters. There is a thread now inviting others to attack specifically PILS. It is such a shame. Whether it is due to culture, socialisation or biology I don't know.

never got birthday cards or Mother's Day from him in the first place, I don't think he knows when my birthday is.

He’s spinning his non-contact with you as the result of an abusive, controlling girlfriend.

Pounds to pennies that same girlfriend will have told HER family and friends the tale of her nightmare time with a pathologically selfish, self-absorbed man-baby who didn’t even know the birthdays of his nearest and dearest. If she was as demanding and high-maintenance as your son suggests, getting together with him was clearly not one of her brightest ideas either.

I hope you’ve stopping marking HIS birthday now at least and are not slaving your self silly accommodating his needs now he’s back home.