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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you gifted money to your grandchildren...

439 replies

HarperElla · 24/04/2023 14:46

...say £50-£150 per birthday/Christmas and the odd other occasion like Easter or random gifts, would you mind if their mother put the money towards a holiday for them and their parent? I've been doing this, I have a 4 year old, he has too many toys, I have a really good savings pot for him already etc etc. I want to take him on holiday to Egypt before he goes to school, and put any money which is given to him by family members towards this. I've made sure that it doesn't extend past the fare for his flight. I've been told by a family member that I'm out of order doing this and that I should either put it in his savings or buy him gifts with it. I've made it clear to him that the family members who gave us the money helped us pay for it and that we should be grateful to them that they helped us go on holiday (explained in terms he can ubderstand). He has 4k in savings, 1k a year put in my me. WIBU to do this?

OP posts:
Original poster
HarperElla · 24/04/2023 17:32

wrinkleintime · 24/04/2023 17:29

I wouldn't take a 4 year old to Egypt, even if they were interested in it as your son is. I'd wait until he's at least 8 or 9 and could properly experience and remember it.

I certainly wouldn't expect him to give his birthday money towards it.

Would you take it out of his hand if his grandparents had given him cash?

If not, then YABU.

The worst thing is that you think £18k in savings is 'enough' and therefore anything surplus can be spent on holidays. A child can never have too much tucked away. Life is only going to get more and more expensive.

He's going to inherit upwards of 75k from his great grandparents who are in their late 90s. He will get this directly when he's 18. The £400 odd I've used on his flight won't make much of a difference in this respect (that's the argument you're making). 18k is all I can afford currently to save if I continue as I am and that's more than a lot of people who aren't on a huge wage do.

OP posts:
KillerSandy · 24/04/2023 17:33

Poppyblush · 24/04/2023 14:48

I think you should be saving this money for your child for university or property etc.

Totally agree!

ArDi · 24/04/2023 17:33

To those saying £18k won’t be worth what you think by the time he’s 18 - true, but by the same token the cost of this holiday will also seem like a snip. You/ your son won’t find yourself in 15 years regretting spending the money on the holiday, I’m sure.

Original poster
HarperElla · 24/04/2023 17:34

OliveOilly · 24/04/2023 17:30

@HarperElla Just lay off it , eh?

You are picking on me when many other posters have said exactly the same thing but you've not gone back to them and tried to contradict them. why not?

Ok, I missed the bit about your friend teaching him the Arabic words.

But I agree 100% with this post which says exactly what I think other than questioning his memory skills.

I made the same points and you came at me, all guns blazing. Maybe turn your annoyance to others now? You're getting tedious.

ArmatureDramatics · Today 17:13
@HarperElla It's good that your mum is happy for you to spend the money as you see fit - but blimey. My oldest child has Asperger's (I know it's not called that now, but it was when he was diagnosed), and had various obsessions on a par with your son's obsession with Egypt (and the same degree of knowledge about them at a similar age).

All I can say is it's a very nice thought to base your entire holiday and to throw huge amounts of money at something that will doubtless make him very happy while it happens - but it could also be a massive error. If you had more than one child, you wouldn't be doing this, and I'm not sure that it's a good idea to put a small child's current interest before absolutely everything else. It also potentially sets him up to think that when he develops an obsession with outer space, you'll just take him to the Moon. Sometimes children who tend to be obsessive are best indulged up to a point, but not beyond that. I'd say the British Museum would do the job until he naturally fixates on something else.

Yeah because you really can't see why your posts are a little bit different to all of the others on here 🙄 Crack on honestly it's actually quite funny now.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 24/04/2023 17:34

For those saying he won't remember it don't you do anything with children until they are about 7?

I am one of the first to question people taking their children to Disney when they are very young, not because they won't remember it, but because when we took DS there were younger children there tired, grumpy and petrified of all the people in costumes, so it's not that they won't remember it but because they might not appreciate it.

It appears the OP's son is obsessed by Egypt and so he might not remember the holiday when he is older, but sounds like he will really appreciate it and mum gets to see him so excited about it. I think if I was any of OP's relative who had given money (for saving or gifts) I would be looking forward to the 4yos tales of adventure and pictures of his happy face in front of the pyramids. You would have to be a real curmudgeon if you begrudged the OP spending your £100 birthday gift for the little boy to spend on what will probably be the most exciting adventure he has ever been on.

The OP is not wealthy, she is being careful and hoping to save £18k for her son, which is more than many children will be getting on their 18th birthday. If her son wasn't obsessed by Egypt it sounds like this would not be the OP's holiday destination of choice, so she is doing it for him.

Posters on here who give money for birthday presents and who give it directly to parents when the children are younger and expect it to go in savings accounts, what do you do when the children are older, give it direct to the child and tell them to save it or let them spend it on what they want.

If relatives are so precious about what the money is spent on, they should set up their own savings account for the child to be transferred to them on their 18th birthday

wrinkleintime · 24/04/2023 17:34

Newmumatlast · 24/04/2023 17:32

I agree 18k isnt enough (though more than many) but OP may be better saving additional sums, if she can afford it, in her own name. We cant control what our kids do with money in their own names and they could just spend it all when they get access. OP has time to replenish if she sees fit down the line.

Show quote history

They could spend it all frivolously on holidays... like OP is already doing...

Hellzbellz25 · 24/04/2023 17:35

You can't make your child pay for their own holiday 🤣🤣 yabvu!

Cantthinkof1rightnow · 24/04/2023 17:35

I think you should. At the end if the day, it will be an enriching experience for him and a good use of the money....better than buying tat.

Twillow · 24/04/2023 17:36
  1. You say you have put £1000 of your own money in so use that 'portion' - and no more. More than ample for child's flight.
  2. Where in Egypt are you going? If it's Sharm el Sheikh then he won't see anything of interest other than sun loungers.
BotterMon · 24/04/2023 17:38

Stop putting money in his savings account yourself and pay for your own holiday?

YABU as you appear to be stealing his money to pay for a holiday for the two of you.

I would be pissed off if my daughter did that (but it wouldn't even cross her mind)

N27 · 24/04/2023 17:40

Put the gifted money in his savings.

Take some of your money out of his savings to pay for it.

Net effect is the same but you can morally say it’s your money that paid for it

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 24/04/2023 17:40

YABU you can’t in good faith spend money other people intended for your son on anyone other than your son, and that includes you. You should pay for your son’s (and your) holiday.

toomuchlaundry · 24/04/2023 17:40

Also for those saying £18k won't be enough for her son, what sum will be enough? Should OP go without and her son have no treats at all, until he collects his money at 18?

Should no parents go on holiday or have any treats until they have a savings pot for all their children that will pay for a wedding, house deposit and university fees?

Skybluepinky · 24/04/2023 17:41

No it should be put in savings, not u spending it.
Don’t assume big inheritance they could end up in care homes at £1500 a week each and could be in their until their money dries up.

toomuchlaundry · 24/04/2023 17:43

Maybe OP you should say you are using the money as spending money (for any relatives that are complaining).

Hayliebells · 24/04/2023 17:45

You're being very nieve to bank on this inheritance from great-grandparents. Any inheritance that my children could possible have from great grandparents, has been spent on their great-grandmothers care home. She's 101. She's spent the last four years in a nursing home, after being admitted to hospital for a fall, then pneumonia, that really set her health back. She was fine before that, into her late 90s. Her money is nearly gone, and she's not on death's door either, so the care home fees keep racking up, eating into the equity in her house. In about 6 months more months of fees, that will all be gone. It's £5k a month.

Newmumatlast · 24/04/2023 17:45

wrinkleintime · 24/04/2023 17:34

They could spend it all frivolously on holidays... like OP is already doing...

Show quote history

This isn't a random holiday though is it? And tbh if my kids spent the money I have saved on holidays which were culturally enriching and a genuine benefit to their development I wouldn't mind provided they had a strategy for funding the other things I.e. uni/housing. OPs child is 4 so there is more time too than if 18 and spending everything then.

toomuchlaundry · 24/04/2023 17:46

@Skybluepinky the relative that was complaining was saying that the money should be put in savings or buy a gift. As stated above if relatives want money put in a savings account they should put it in an account they set up for this purpose.

toomuchlaundry · 24/04/2023 17:47

Are relatives giving birthday money to a 4yo with no stipulation on what it should be spent on, really expecting it to go into a university fund?

purpleboy · 24/04/2023 17:47

OliveOilly · 24/04/2023 16:59

I think you can't comprehend what life is like with older children whose obsessions change from month to month and year to year.

How are you going to cope when he wants something you cannot afford?

You are setting the scene for him that he only has to want something enough and Mum will provide it, somehow.

Anyway, if your mother is happy for her money to be spent this way that's all that counts.

But I don't believe your child at 4 knows all you say he does about Egypt including speaking Arabic (unless it's your native language) and I am a teacher- so he must be a genius.

I'm a bit worried you're a teacher, especially if you think 4yo can't have extensive knowledge on a subject they love!
Plus your incredibly rude and antagonistic towards op.

Op it's all swings and roundabouts, the money is coming from somewhere, be it gift or savings and your DS will still have the same amount in savings when he is 18, why everyone is getting so angry is just beyond me, it literally doesn't matter it's all coming from the same pot in the end.

fourplusfour · 24/04/2023 17:48

heartbreakhotel20 · 24/04/2023 15:01

Seems like I'm in the minority but I wouldn't care and neither would my parents, kids get so many toys an experience for them would be great. My mum and dad have said now my son is old enough they are going to stop the random presents etc and take him for days out instead which I think is similar to this. If it was money specially for saving's maybe that's different but I read this as gift money instead of toys so in my opinion those are 2 different things xx

I agree. No different to paying for days out imo

Newmumatlast · 24/04/2023 17:49

toomuchlaundry · 24/04/2023 17:40

Also for those saying £18k won't be enough for her son, what sum will be enough? Should OP go without and her son have no treats at all, until he collects his money at 18?

Should no parents go on holiday or have any treats until they have a savings pot for all their children that will pay for a wedding, house deposit and university fees?

In respect of my comment that it wouldn't be enough, in an ideal world I would want to have enough for uni, a house deposit and a car with inflation mixed in either in their savings or my own but earmarked for them as a minimum. That's unrealistic for many and I'm not saying that is what all parents should do - more that I wouldnt feel I could refer to savings as enough without this.

KillerSandy · 24/04/2023 17:51

The obsession is a bit like kids knowing all the dinosaur names or Pokemon characters. It's basically repetition with little real understanding of it.

elephantsbreafh · 24/04/2023 17:51

Mumsnet is fucking mental sometimes.

Absolutely nothing wrong with what you’re doing. I know I’d rather use that money for an amazing experience and memories for my child, than spend it on toys and tat for the sake of it.

Moosethroat · 24/04/2023 17:52

I really don't see the issue with this but maybe its because of my culture. When we gift money, it's for anything, whether it's toys, clothes, shoes, food, gas electric etc, shoot you can spend it on the mortgage/rent if needed. All of these things benefit the child so we don't care and it's really just a contribution to the cost of raising a child tbh, for the parent to allocate as they see fit. If we wanted it to be spent on toys, we would buy a toy or gift card for a toy shop. If we wanted it to be spent on driving lessons or deposit etc, we would hold onto the money ourselves and gift it to the child when they are old enough to use it for that purpose. We prefer it to be spent now to enrich the childs life in some way or help the parents out a bit so a holiday sounds like a fab idea! Have fun!

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