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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell her to poke her wedding!

322 replies

Littlepicker · 23/04/2023 17:55

My wedding (nearly 20 years ago now) involved all of my family members. We have a small family so I had my cousins as bridesmaids and ushers.
This year one of the cousins/bridesmaid is getting married. We got sent our invite but my two children haven’t been invited.
There are literally 20 of us in the family, so obviously my (impeccably behaved) children have been taken off the list to make way for friends.
AIBU to be absolutely furious? I have declined the invitation, much to other family members’ shock, because I feel so strongly that this is not right.
AIBU or is my cousin?

OP posts:
VisionsOfSplendour · 23/04/2023 20:06

mainsfed · 23/04/2023 19:02

YANBU, if the norm in your small family is to invite everyone to every wedding then they have deviated and can’t be shocked because you have declined.

It’s weird on MN how the B&G are allowed to exclude family but the invited family aren’t allowed to decline Hmm

What do you mean? Posters are always reminded that it's an invitation not a summons, of course they can decline

Pixiedust1234 · 23/04/2023 20:08

WTFJanice · 23/04/2023 18:00

I smell a water-testing reverse.

Thank goodness it's not just me that thinks this is just too weird Confused

GalaApples · 23/04/2023 20:09

YABU Why do they need to invite your DC as well as you? The situation has moved on since you got married 20 years ago. Or is it maybe you feel family gatherings should have ALL the family? There may be cost considerations with a larger number. Do go and have her wedding on her terms, so she can enjoy it. It is about her and her man, not about you.

ThaTrìCaitAgam · 23/04/2023 20:11

Your expectations aren’t their obligations.

I’m sorry you feel hurt your children aren’t invited, though.

PrettyMaybug · 23/04/2023 20:12

Eeeek, you are getting a shit time on here @Littlepicker I'm so sorry Flowers

Of COURSE YANBU to be miffed, when someone's friends and work colleagues come before your children - the bride's COUSIN'S children. But it does seem to be quite commonplace these days (with some couples) to invite people they have known a year or two and NOT invite their cousins and/or cousins children, and even aunts and uncles are excluded.

These people will be out of your cousin's life waaaay before you and your children, and she will regret not inviting your children. (AND having you not go too!) You have every right to say you are not going, but do expect your family/cousin to be pissed off. (They have no right to be btw!)

This 'I thought you'd be grateful for a night off' trope baffles me. They thought people would be grateful for a night off over and above being invited to a wedding with their CHILDREN. You're not asking for/expecting your fucking DOG to come. These are your CHILDREN FGS!

Also, these people who expect others to come to their wedding without their children, who the fuck do they think is supposed to look after the children? Very selfish excluding children from weddings IMO.

Stick to your guns. DON'T GO.

Blueisthecolour1 · 23/04/2023 20:13

Hmmmm………I don’t like my cousin’s children. They’re whiney little shits. They piss me right off. I do like my very close friends however.

treespouse · 23/04/2023 20:14

Blimey. I'd much rather have my actual friends than a cousins kids.
Especiallyyyyyyyy if the kids have an attitude like their mum 🤪🤪

PrettyMaybug · 23/04/2023 20:15

OhmygodDont · 23/04/2023 18:20

They don’t have to invite your children but they also don’t get to be mad when you decide not to attend due to lack of
invite for children.

Yeah this in spades. When people start dropping out in droves because their children are not invited - whether it's because they're miffed or because they have no childcare, no doubt the bride will be stamping her feet in rage.

supersonicginandtonic · 23/04/2023 20:17

I love being invited to a wedding without my kids. I can relax, enjoy it and have a drink!

LuckySantangelo35 · 23/04/2023 20:17

PrettyMaybug · 23/04/2023 20:12

Eeeek, you are getting a shit time on here @Littlepicker I'm so sorry Flowers

Of COURSE YANBU to be miffed, when someone's friends and work colleagues come before your children - the bride's COUSIN'S children. But it does seem to be quite commonplace these days (with some couples) to invite people they have known a year or two and NOT invite their cousins and/or cousins children, and even aunts and uncles are excluded.

These people will be out of your cousin's life waaaay before you and your children, and she will regret not inviting your children. (AND having you not go too!) You have every right to say you are not going, but do expect your family/cousin to be pissed off. (They have no right to be btw!)

This 'I thought you'd be grateful for a night off' trope baffles me. They thought people would be grateful for a night off over and above being invited to a wedding with their CHILDREN. You're not asking for/expecting your fucking DOG to come. These are your CHILDREN FGS!

Also, these people who expect others to come to their wedding without their children, who the fuck do they think is supposed to look after the children? Very selfish excluding children from weddings IMO.

Stick to your guns. DON'T GO.

@PrettyMaybug

”These people will be out of your cousin's life waaaay before you and your children”

how do you know that?
do you not have friendships that have lasted for more than a couple of years?

Blueisthecolour1 · 23/04/2023 20:18

Also agree with the poster up thread who likes going to weddings without her kids. So do I.

PriamFarrl · 23/04/2023 20:19

Thinking back to family wedding when I was young I recall going to so many as a child, and being bored out of my mind at every single one. Having to wear a scratchy dress and uncomfortable shoes all day, talk to random uncles and aunts who say tedious shit like ‘ haven’t you grown’, eating a meal I didn’t like, not really knowing many of the other children except one cousin who I didn’t really want to play with. Dull as all hell.

AramintaLee · 23/04/2023 20:20

I assume being your bridesmaid 20 years wasn't on the condition that when she got married, she had to invite your children? That's not how it works.

The bride and groom get to decide who they invite to their wedding, not you. They could invite the pet hamster over your children if they wanted. Weddings bring out such entitlement from people...

It could very well be that they've decided on a child free wedding and to keep it fair, they're not making an exceptions.

PriOn1 · 23/04/2023 20:23

I find it quite sad that weddings have turned from family celebration to child-excluding parties, but despising other people’s children has long been a British trait, and not one that’s particularly attractive.

You are not being unreasonable to turn down the invitation if you don’t want to go.

SirTarquin · 23/04/2023 20:24

I've never heard the expression "tell her to poke" something
but this has reminded me

does anyone remember when Facebook had that thing of 'poking someone' which was a craze for a while?

Aslanplustwo · 23/04/2023 20:26

Why are you bringing your wedding 20 years ago into it, that has nothing to do with who she invites to her wedding? I would far rather have friends at my wedding than the children of cousins, and plenty of people have child free weddings. If you don't want to go, then don't go, but really it's very childish to have a tantrum over it. It's HER wedding, not yours, she gets to say who she wants to come to it. Take a look at the voting btw.

Mari9999 · 23/04/2023 20:28

OP, I have only read your original post and none of the replies, but what stands out is that 20 years ago, you had the wedding of your choice and 20 years later you are objecting to your cousin having that same choice.

It smacks of hypocrisy and double standard thinking.

LumpySpaceGoddess · 23/04/2023 20:30

I don’t have a huge family, I didn’t invite any of my cousins to my wedding, just parents, siblings and grandparents. It did upset a few members but we couldn’t afford a big wedding or a reception so we wanted to keep it small and intimate.
I would love to re do it all one day and have everyone there but I doubt that will ever happen.
She will have her reasons, at the end of the day I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable.

UsingChangeofName · 23/04/2023 20:30

I find it quite sad that weddings have turned from family celebration to child-excluding parties

Grin at 'child-excluding parties'

Some people on here are so funny.

Equalitea · 23/04/2023 20:30

Couples prerogative.

If it’s a child free wedding why should they have your children there?

Createausername1970 · 23/04/2023 20:34

We had just close family and close friends to the ceremony and the sit down meal afterwards. The people who meant the most to us and who we wanted to share the celebrations with.

It didn't go down well with MIL who thought that various cousins who we never see should have been at the ceremony, not friends. We begged to differ, and as we were paying for it we did what we wanted.

The wider circle of family, friends and work colleagues came along later for a very nice champagne afternoon tea.

PrettyMaybug · 23/04/2023 20:36

PriOn1 · 23/04/2023 20:23

I find it quite sad that weddings have turned from family celebration to child-excluding parties, but despising other people’s children has long been a British trait, and not one that’s particularly attractive.

You are not being unreasonable to turn down the invitation if you don’t want to go.

100% this. ^ That's what they are ... 'child-excluding parties.' And it seems family-member excluding parties too. Some people have some fucked up priorities.

ShowUs · 23/04/2023 20:38

20 people is still a lot of people.

Not everyone wants a big wedding and not everyone wants children at their wedding.

I assume they’ve invited a couple of friends too.

YABU to refuse to go just out of pettiness because your DCs aren’t invited.
But YANBU to decline if you can’t get childcare.

Snaaaaacks · 23/04/2023 20:39

I decline family weddings if they don't invite our children, friends weddings assuming my children were old enough to be left (beyond breastfeeding) I will attend. For one friend's wedding I weaned my second child off breastfeeding so I could attend (it was miles away and we had to stay 2 nights), he was over 2 so I wanted to stop breastfeeding, had it been a few months earlier I'd have declined. We were invited to a family wedding next week actually without our children, so we declined. I think it's rude to exclude family members, weddings are about family, not getting drunk and lewd.

ShowUs · 23/04/2023 20:40

Why are you bringing your wedding 20 years ago into it, that has nothing to do with who she invites to her wedding?

I agree.

Your wedding and who you invited is irrelevant, especially as it was 20 years ago.

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