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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go mental regarding grandparents lack of sleepover care.

151 replies

Slothcloth2 · 23/04/2023 12:29

My parents ‘offered’ to have my 10&11 year old to sleep over last Friday. They said my sister who is 19 was having 3/4 friends over in the side lounge but the children wouldn’t be disturbed and it wouldn’t be a party as such.

At 1am I get a call from my 10 year old saying he is scared of all of the loud noise but then his battery went so I just got in the car and went straight there.

I walked into a party of about 20 people, house stank of alcohol and cannabis and my parents were asleep in bed whilst both of my DC were in their room scared.

My mum text me at 9am saying ‘please tell me the children are with you’

I am upset and my DH wants to cut them off for good.

Are we being unreasonable?

OP posts:
PuzzledObserver · 23/04/2023 14:39

Well now that you know your parents are quite willing to drink themselves insensible when in charge of a child, even when explicitly asked not to, you don’t ever leave your children alone with them again. They can’t be trusted to behave responsibly.

That doesn’t mean you have to cut them off, that’s for you and your DH to discuss and decide. But they can only see them when you are present - and tell them why.

I am curious about the reason for the sleepover in the first place. Was it because your parents wanted to spend time with them, or to give you a break? That might colour your decision about how much contact to let them have in future.

Original poster
Slothcloth2 · 23/04/2023 14:40

It was because we were dealing with DH family emergency.

OP posts:
Frogger8395 · 23/04/2023 14:43

This whole thread is absurd. There was no reason for your son to be terrified of some party noises knowing his auntie and grandparents were in the house, he probably knew some of the friends too. He’s been to party’s surely? Stoners aren’t generally noisy and out of control.

Why didn’t you phone your sister and she could have reassured him?

So what your parents had a drink? They’re 10 and 11, not babies. And for the posters acting shocked the grandparents didn’t know the kids had been taken, it’s quite normal to be asleep between 1 am and 9 am? Should they have set an alarm at 4 am to check on them?

If I was the grandparents I’d have been quite annoyed at the whole thing. You knew your sister was having a party, your kids knew she was having a party and I’d have been fairly pissed off at your son acting terrified and you making daft middle of the night dashes. You’ve totally over reacted and so has your son.

it was out of order to not leave them a note.

Floralnomad · 23/04/2023 14:45

Well obviously your parents are thoroughly irresponsible , at least you know now without anyone coming to actual harm

CurlewKate · 23/04/2023 14:47

Did you leave a note to tell them you'd taken the children?

I8toys · 23/04/2023 14:48

The drip feeding on this thread is getting ridiculous now.

Slothcloth2 · 23/04/2023 14:48

This reply has been deleted

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BadNomad · 23/04/2023 14:50

This was their first time staying with grandparents? Of course your children were going to be unsettled by that then. It sounds like it was an emergency childcare type of situation, so there wasn't time to get them comfortable with the idea. I still don't know how you could tell your parents were passed out drunk just by looking at them.

CurlewKate · 23/04/2023 14:50

Incidentally, did you stop the party? Or did you just leave them to trash the house? Crap judgement all round, I reckon!

BadNomad · 23/04/2023 14:50

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That would explain the smell

Drivingmisspotty · 23/04/2023 14:52

Come off it - all kids are different. One of mine goes on as many sleepovers as poss. The other I had to pick up in the middle of the night a few times up to year 6 because he was homesick - adults readily available and known very well to him.

Some kids don’t feel so confident talking to adults and asking for help outside their parents. And sounds like the adults in this house might have been acting unpredictably due to alcohol. And it was also their first sleepover and under circumstances of an emergency on their dad’s side of the family which they may have picked up on anxiety from.

Maybe a good idea to go through with your son before high school what to do and where to seek help in some new situations he might come across eg bus doesn’t come/bullying in the street. But in this case I think you did the right thing. Only thing I would have done differently is text/leave a note for your parents.

As this is out of the blue I don’t think I would cut them off completely. But you know now. They will prioritise alcohol over caring for their grandchildren. You can act accordingly.

VickyEadieofThigh · 23/04/2023 14:55

You are right to be upset and concerned. Your parents - who offered to have your children - made a number of worrying mistakes:

  1. They allowed your teenage sister to have what she claimed was a small number of friends over for a relatively quiet evening to have a full-scale party, complete with drugs and copious amounts of alcohol - when they knew they were having their 2 young grandchildren round.
  2. They got pissed themselves, rendering them unfit to be aware enough of what was happening in the house, including the welfare and whereabouts of their grandchildren.
  3. They texted you about their missing grandchildren when they should have rung.

It would be a cold day in hell before I allowed them to have the children unsupervised again, were I in your place.

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 23/04/2023 15:07

FangedFrisbee · 23/04/2023 14:29

Maybe you should try and work on resilience for the one going to high school? If they still you to get them a drink at night? How're they going to cope on their yr 6 residential? Just shrivel up like a raisin?

Come on, it's not about resilience, it's about being scared with 20 people in a house that's not your own, they perhaps tried to wake their grandparents who wouldn't wake up. Drunk people can be very loud , banging around etc. of course that's going to be scary for a 10 and 11 year old.

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 23/04/2023 15:10

Frogger8395 · 23/04/2023 14:43

This whole thread is absurd. There was no reason for your son to be terrified of some party noises knowing his auntie and grandparents were in the house, he probably knew some of the friends too. He’s been to party’s surely? Stoners aren’t generally noisy and out of control.

Why didn’t you phone your sister and she could have reassured him?

So what your parents had a drink? They’re 10 and 11, not babies. And for the posters acting shocked the grandparents didn’t know the kids had been taken, it’s quite normal to be asleep between 1 am and 9 am? Should they have set an alarm at 4 am to check on them?

If I was the grandparents I’d have been quite annoyed at the whole thing. You knew your sister was having a party, your kids knew she was having a party and I’d have been fairly pissed off at your son acting terrified and you making daft middle of the night dashes. You’ve totally over reacted and so has your son.

it was out of order to not leave them a note.

I don't believe anyone is this ignorant. Grandparents and aunty were drunk, not just tipsy and there were 20 people in a house when they hadn't slept out before. Of course they were scared.

Frogger8395 · 23/04/2023 15:21

I don't believe anyone is this ignorant. Grandparents and aunty were drunk, not just tipsy and there were 20 people in a house when they hadn't slept out before. Of course they were scared.

The op knew the 19 year old was going to have a non party and she knew there was going to be drinking. She sent them there knowing that. So the fake shock at drinking is ridiculous. She knew drinking was going to happen.

Theres no need to be terrified of your auntie just because she’s had a few drinks. If he was, that’s on the op.

Stripedbag101 · 23/04/2023 15:33

Slothcloth2 · 23/04/2023 14:38

I always protect my children from drunks. I have never let them sleep out before

for those Scoffing at the kids being scared - they did the right thing. The grandparents passed out. The house filled up with strangers who were partying and being loud. They didn’t feel safe. I am 44 and I wouldn’t want to sleep upstairs through that.

we hear awful stories about what can happen to kids during sleepovers - drunk strangers coming and going - no one listening out for the kids.

saying an 11 year old will be in high school next year so they should be comfortable being in a house full of drunk adults - many of whom they don’t know - is just really sad.

the kids felt unsafe so they called their parents. Gold star to the kids.

Whiskeypowers · 23/04/2023 15:40

So your parents got smashed on cocktails whilst taking care of two of their young grandchildren?
well that would be it for me and I’m not some sort of one sherry a year at Christmas pearl clutching puritan

raincamepouringdown · 23/04/2023 15:56

Slothcloth2 · 23/04/2023 14:24

My child was scared because if they’re at home we are always up and awake until they’re settled. So if they need a drink etc I’m at their beck and call. They weren’t used to adults not being readily available

While you would be sensible to never trust your parents with your children's care again, due to their complete failure to safeguard your children (they were drunk, there was a raging party going on in their home while they were 'asleep'/ unconscious involving drugs and alcohol), you seem to be rather at the other end of the extreme scale (being at the night time beck and call of children who are in Years 5 and 6 in primary school seems well over the top).

i think you need to find a sensible medium in your life, OP. No wonder they were 'terrified'. Annoyed and put out and phoned home, yes. But 'terrified' when they could have just picked up the phone quite a bit earlier would have happened if they were used to being more self-reliant and independent. You need to help them grow up, not hold them back here.

Gcsunnyside23 · 23/04/2023 16:07

FangedFrisbee · 23/04/2023 14:26

Bit ott for a 10 & 11 year old. Presumably one of them is going to high school this year?

Show quote history

Not ott really. My 9 year old and 12 year old have been around people drinking and to family parties etc but would still be freaked out if woken in their sleep by noises from a party held by 20 19year olds. My 12 year old is very confident but would have been worried by what was going on and how her brother was feeling, I'd say even some reserved adults would be intimidated by this

SparklyBlackKitten · 23/04/2023 16:08

Yabu and a bunch of other things.

You let your kids go to a sleepover when your 19yo sister had friends over. What did you expect..
And then you took your kids without telling your parents?! And they were half naked and drunk...Jeez
And you dont even sound to surprised by them being that drunk so it wouldnt be the first time..

Dysfunctional family much

TescoFinestMyArse · 23/04/2023 16:10

FangedFrisbee · 23/04/2023 14:29

Maybe you should try and work on resilience for the one going to high school? If they still you to get them a drink at night? How're they going to cope on their yr 6 residential? Just shrivel up like a raisin?

Hahahahaha this made me laugh!

Your kids are old enough to get themselves a drink. And to witness family having a couple of drinks. Not agreeing with nearly teenagers seeing anyone with alcohol is weird and they'll just rebel in their teens and drink themselves. They're not toddlers anymore.

Grandparents acted appallingly yes, but you molly coddling your kids this much to the point they are scared to even knock on a door or ask for a drink will do you no favours

Stripedbag101 · 23/04/2023 16:17

Let’s hope the teachers won’t get so drunk on the residential that they pass out naked and don’t notice twenty adult teens have a party with alcohol and dope🤣🤣🤣.

if that does happen I suspect the resilience of the 12 year olds on the trip will be least of the parents worries! In fact the little delicate flower who rings the heir parents will be the bloody hero.

Frogger8395 · 23/04/2023 16:45

What’s the difference between being asleep or passed out? Most people are fast asleep at 1 am.

People who drink so much they pass out aren’t up at 9 am the next morning. What an absurd exaggeration all round.

EmmaEmerald · 23/04/2023 17:15

Frogger8395 · 23/04/2023 16:45

What’s the difference between being asleep or passed out? Most people are fast asleep at 1 am.

People who drink so much they pass out aren’t up at 9 am the next morning. What an absurd exaggeration all round.

Depends what time they started.

But in terms of being fit to deal with a child who might be ill - I think there is a BIG difference between passed out drunk and asleep. A child needing help might not be able to rouse a drunk person.

PuzzledObserver · 23/04/2023 18:55

Slothcloth2 · 23/04/2023 14:40

It was because we were dealing with DH family emergency.

Sorry to hear that. Were there any other options for childcare at short notice? If not, your DH might want to reconsider cutting them off for good. Quite apart from the fact that it’s not really his business to decide whether you have contact with your family or not.

Did your parents used to drink heavily when you were young? If it’s been going on a long time, they maybe think it’s normal/acceptable and don’t understand that you and your sister (with the baby) think differently.