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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go mental regarding grandparents lack of sleepover care.

151 replies

Slothcloth2 · 23/04/2023 12:29

My parents ‘offered’ to have my 10&11 year old to sleep over last Friday. They said my sister who is 19 was having 3/4 friends over in the side lounge but the children wouldn’t be disturbed and it wouldn’t be a party as such.

At 1am I get a call from my 10 year old saying he is scared of all of the loud noise but then his battery went so I just got in the car and went straight there.

I walked into a party of about 20 people, house stank of alcohol and cannabis and my parents were asleep in bed whilst both of my DC were in their room scared.

My mum text me at 9am saying ‘please tell me the children are with you’

I am upset and my DH wants to cut them off for good.

Are we being unreasonable?

OP posts:
TheCatterall · 23/04/2023 14:21

@Slothcloth2 I can only imagine your anger and how upset you are with family you trusted to care for your children.

are your parents normally responsible adults? Or is getting annihilated on cocktails expected behaviour from them whilst being the responsible adults to their grandchildren?

I imagine your children won’t want to go again for sleepovers. And personally I wouldn’t be allowing them unsupervised access to my children ever again. With passed adults and a full on party with so many strangers who knows what could have happened. I can just imagine them too scared to leave the room on their own. The phone dying and not knowing if you were coming. What if there’d been a fire, fighting etc.

and then to just text you like that the next day…

nope.

Good luck navigating this with your family. I’d have acted the same in your shoes.

MumOfASuperSon · 23/04/2023 14:22

You did absolutely the right thing OP. I would be disgusted and absolutely furious if my parents put my children in that kind of danger. If you were able to get the children out without them realising, absolutely anything could have happened with a load of stoned, pissed up strangers in their house.

Whilst I wouldn’t cut them off completely, they would NEVER be left in charge of my children again.

JudgeRudy · 23/04/2023 14:22

Prescottdanni123 · 23/04/2023 13:53

@JudgeRudy

Several teens at a party either drugs and alcohol normally make more noise than the normal laughing and chatting. When my next door neighbours were having a similar one, it sounded like they had invited a load of animals from the zoo as well.

I understand they might be loud, I don't understand why it would be frightening. These aren't really young kids. If they'd rang mum saying I can't sleep coz they're being noisy or the house smells maybe, but to not even speak to grandparents...isn't that unusual for older kids.
Of course I can only compare to my children and others I know reasonably well.

WaltzingWaters · 23/04/2023 14:23

So your parents were so drunk they couldn’t hear anything/wake up when you went in their room?
I’m assuming as you say about cutting them off there’s a list of things they’ve done in the past?

If a one off occurrence I wouldn’t cut them off but they’d never have sole care of the kids again. And I’d lay it on to them how irresponsible it was. And I can’t believe they only texted you, rather than called when they found the kids missing.

If there’s a line of things they’ve done in the past, then maybe cutting them off/going very low contact is the way to go.

Original poster
Slothcloth2 · 23/04/2023 14:24

My child was scared because if they’re at home we are always up and awake until they’re settled. So if they need a drink etc I’m at their beck and call. They weren’t used to adults not being readily available

OP posts:
FangedFrisbee · 23/04/2023 14:26

Slothcloth2 · 23/04/2023 14:24

My child was scared because if they’re at home we are always up and awake until they’re settled. So if they need a drink etc I’m at their beck and call. They weren’t used to adults not being readily available

Bit ott for a 10 & 11 year old. Presumably one of them is going to high school this year?

Original poster
Slothcloth2 · 23/04/2023 14:26

Yea high school in sept

OP posts:
ShitFacedOnRetsina · 23/04/2023 14:26

In your shoes I think I would have been tempted to remove the kids without saying anything, just to see if they noticed.

I wouldn't cut them off for this but I would be guarded about what happens in the future

Dustybarn · 23/04/2023 14:27

EmmaEmerald · 23/04/2023 14:01

Dustybarn "The grandparents probably took sleeping pills and didn’t realize this is a bad idea when supervising children. Lesson learned. Just don’t let them sleep over again."

sleeping pills are nigh on impossible to get. Off their face or drunk seems more likely.

You were right - it was the cocktails…I am staggered that any person in charge of kids would do this. I still think OP should have texted them that she was taking the children but on these facts I completely understand her anger!

Poppyblush · 23/04/2023 14:28

Drugs and alcohol plus drink grandparents… nice. You did the right thing by taking them and I’d never ever let them sleep over again

Prescottdanni123 · 23/04/2023 14:29

@JudgeRudy

They haven't been around drunk people before. And drunk people act very illogically and make a lot of noise. I know a lot of kids at the same age who would be scared by 20 strangers being in their grabdparents house acting weird and being really noisy.

FangedFrisbee · 23/04/2023 14:29

Maybe you should try and work on resilience for the one going to high school? If they still you to get them a drink at night? How're they going to cope on their yr 6 residential? Just shrivel up like a raisin?

BadNomad · 23/04/2023 14:29

Oh right. So you took your kids home and left a baby behind with not one sensible sober adult. And you knew your parents were passed out, not just asleep, just by looking at them. And you thought none of this was relevant to put in your OP.

mast0650 · 23/04/2023 14:29

That wasn't OK. But I certainly wouldn't be cutting them off altogether, or even preventing them having care again, unless there is much more of a backstory.

I think there is shared responsibility here between your sister, your parents and yourself for what happened. Your sister should not have claimed to be having a quiet evening with 3-4 people, then hosted a noisy party for 20 at 1am with young kids next door. But she is young and did not accept resonsibility for your children.

At the same time, both you and your parents made a misjudgement about the likelihood of the sister's gathering getting out of hand in this way. You both had basically the same information so I'm not sure why your parents get all the blame. They probably went to bed well before it all got going and had no idea. When you heard that your sister was going to have friends round, you should have got clear reassurance from your sister that this wasn't going to happen. I don't think you could reasonably expect your parents to stay up late managing the social life of a 19 year old. If you didn't have confidence in your sister, you shouldn't have let your kids stay. If you did have confidence in your sister, then your parents were also reasonable in having confidence and going to bed!

You also shouldn't have taken them away without leaving a message of some sort..

Original poster
Slothcloth2 · 23/04/2023 14:30

I didn’t leave a baby behind haha, I don’t have a baby!

My sister took her baby there the next night. Not me.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 23/04/2023 14:31

BadNomad · 23/04/2023 14:29

Oh right. So you took your kids home and left a baby behind with not one sensible sober adult. And you knew your parents were passed out, not just asleep, just by looking at them. And you thought none of this was relevant to put in your OP.

I am also wondering this. Is it the same sister?

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/04/2023 14:31

Slothcloth2 · 23/04/2023 14:30

I didn’t leave a baby behind haha, I don’t have a baby!

My sister took her baby there the next night. Not me.

So the mother of the baby was at the party, potentially intoxicated and stoned?

BadNomad · 23/04/2023 14:32

Slothcloth2 · 23/04/2023 14:30

I didn’t leave a baby behind haha, I don’t have a baby!

My sister took her baby there the next night. Not me.

Your sister's baby. Where was it that night? Why was your sister having her party at her parents house if she doesn't even live there? None of this is making much sense.

Original poster
Slothcloth2 · 23/04/2023 14:32

No not the same sister.

OP posts:
Original poster
Slothcloth2 · 23/04/2023 14:32

Younger sister isn’t old enough for a child yet

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 23/04/2023 14:32

Ah ok. Yanbu. Your parents are making poor decisions. Is this a new thing?

mast0650 · 23/04/2023 14:36

OK, so I didn't see the bit about your parents getting totally drunk on cocktails themselves. Clearly that is not OK. But they have absolutely no track record of this sort of behaviour? Really? Obviously if they regularly pass out from drinking when with your kids then you shouldn't be arranging sleepovers anymore. Goes without saying!

mbosnz · 23/04/2023 14:36

It's not OTT for a 10 or 11 year old to be freaked out at being at a place where people are drunk and stoned, and ringing their parents to tell them. Especially if they are not used to it. It's a very lucky 10 and 11 year old that have a parent that can and will come and get them.

FrenchandSaunders · 23/04/2023 14:36

I’m surprised your kids haven’t seen a tipsy adult by now ….. considering your parents and sister sound like party people.

Original poster
Slothcloth2 · 23/04/2023 14:38

I always protect my children from drunks. I have never let them sleep out before

OP posts: