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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go mental regarding grandparents lack of sleepover care.

151 replies

Slothcloth2 · 23/04/2023 12:29

My parents ‘offered’ to have my 10&11 year old to sleep over last Friday. They said my sister who is 19 was having 3/4 friends over in the side lounge but the children wouldn’t be disturbed and it wouldn’t be a party as such.

At 1am I get a call from my 10 year old saying he is scared of all of the loud noise but then his battery went so I just got in the car and went straight there.

I walked into a party of about 20 people, house stank of alcohol and cannabis and my parents were asleep in bed whilst both of my DC were in their room scared.

My mum text me at 9am saying ‘please tell me the children are with you’

I am upset and my DH wants to cut them off for good.

Are we being unreasonable?

OP posts:
NeatCompactSleeper · 23/04/2023 13:42

YANBU to take them home.

YABVVU not to text or leave a note saying you'd taken them.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 23/04/2023 13:43

Working on the assumption that there isn't a massive drip feed coming...

I would have done exactly the same as you did in this situation, OP. Your parents entirely deserved that panicky moment! Hopefully they'll be more aware of your sisters poor judgement from now on.

This is a huge reason for you to refuse any more 'sleepovers', but as long as you have had stern words with your parents, it wouldn't seem necessary to go completely NC.

I hope you and your DC are OK.

Wheresthebeach · 23/04/2023 13:48

Dsis is to blame the most, parents may have gone to bed and numbers risen and drugs happened once they were asleep. Although I find it hard to believe they slept through it all but clearly they did. Very cruel to take kids without telling them. Cutting off your parents is a complete overreaction - saying no more sleepovers would be reasonable.

chocolatehoovering · 23/04/2023 13:48

Don't understand this pile on at all.
I think most people on here would have got in the car and driven straight over when a child rang at 1 am scared about loud noise and then his battery went so the OP couldn't ask further questions. Yes, perhaps she could have tried to phone her parents, but her first reaction was to get to her child.
The only thing that I think is a bit unreasonable is not banging on your parents' door, waking them up and telling them you were taking the children home.
3-4 people coming round in the evening is not the same as a party with cannabis and alcohol - you were led to believe one thing would be happening and it turned out to be something else, which was an unsuitable environment for the children. You weren't to know that somebody lied about what was going to be happening - ie. your sister.

I would not cut them off unless there is a back story but there is no way I would be letting my children stay overnight with them again as they have proven they cannot be trusted - they allowed a party to continue with alcohol and drugs while the children were in the house and then seemingly didn't even notice between 1 am and 9 am that the children were not there.

PippaF2 · 23/04/2023 13:48

So you took the kids back to your house and your parents only realised at 9am the next morning????

Wtf?😨

I don't know if you have to go NC. That's down to you but I would never ever leave my kids with them again.

Frogger8395 · 23/04/2023 13:51

You were daft to let them stay when you knew your sister was having people round.

BadNomad · 23/04/2023 13:51

What did the sister do wrong?? She, an adult, had some friends over on Friday night, in her own home, with her parents' permission, while they were still there. This wasn't a crown of unruly 15-year-old getting wasted and trashing an empty house.

WimpoleHat · 23/04/2023 13:52

The first being the children were missing and they texted not phoned, phone call is needed as it’s urgent, like that second and you could miss a call.

Presumably the sister/her friends saw the OP take the children - so would have told the GPs when they were looking for them in the morning. So it was a case of checking something they were sure of, rather than a genuine panic.

Whiskeypowers · 23/04/2023 13:52

so they only realised the children weren’t there at 9am?
bloody hell that’s quite astonishing.

Dustybarn · 23/04/2023 13:52

The grandparents probably took sleeping pills and didn’t realize this is a bad idea when supervising children. Lesson learned. Just don’t let them sleep over again.

It would have been polite and responsible to at least text your parents to say you took the kids. Removing them in the middle of the night without telling your parents sounds like you were so angry that you were trying to cause them distress on waking and finding the children gone. It sounds a bit spiteful frankly. They were trying to help you and messed up, but you could have handled it better too.

MeetMyCat · 23/04/2023 13:52

Vexar · 23/04/2023 13:11

That is awful. I wouldn't allow them unsupervised access. I don't know that I would cut them off over it though. They could end up getting court ordered access and then you'd wish you hadn't been so extreme. I can understand why you'd want to though.

Can grandparents really get court ordered access?

Prescottdanni123 · 23/04/2023 13:53

@JudgeRudy

Several teens at a party either drugs and alcohol normally make more noise than the normal laughing and chatting. When my next door neighbours were having a similar one, it sounded like they had invited a load of animals from the zoo as well.

Frogger8395 · 23/04/2023 13:53

It’s all a bit dramatic op. Why didn’t you just phone your sister?

Whiskeypowers · 23/04/2023 13:53

WimpoleHat · 23/04/2023 13:52

The first being the children were missing and they texted not phoned, phone call is needed as it’s urgent, like that second and you could miss a call.

Presumably the sister/her friends saw the OP take the children - so would have told the GPs when they were looking for them in the morning. So it was a case of checking something they were sure of, rather than a genuine panic.

You know many nineteen year olds up at 9am after drinking and smoking weed until at least 1am? 😂

Whiskeypowers · 23/04/2023 13:54

MeetMyCat · 23/04/2023 13:52

Can grandparents really get court ordered access?

Show quote history

Yes but they need courts
permission to apply in that they have to prove a certain level of existing contact and relationship

it’s not unheard of but something like this might not help if they did …..

Whiskeypowers · 23/04/2023 13:55

Frogger8395 · 23/04/2023 13:51

You were daft to let them stay when you knew your sister was having people round.

I did wonder why you sent them
knowing this?
Did you actually need them to be taken care of overnight ?

Floralnomad · 23/04/2023 13:55

I can’t understand why a 10 & 11 yr old hadn’t just woken granny up - very odd carry on all round.

NutButters · 23/04/2023 13:57

Lots went wrong here- they shouldn’t have agreed to have them over while your sister was having a party, you shouldn’t have allowed it either, your sister should not have let her friends smoke weed and be rowdy with dc in the house, your parents should have stayed up to see all was well, you shouldn’t have taken them away without telling someone, they should have called the minute they realised dc were missing.

Fuck ups all round. I’d be rethinking sleepovers but I’d also be thinking about your own actions. I wouldn’t cut contact.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 23/04/2023 13:57

Tbh I think it’s poor judgement to have younger kids sleeping over on a day when an older teen is having “not party” party.

poor judgement all around really and pretty selfish of your sister who’s is actually an adult to let that happen when she knew her nieces/nephews were in the house.

EmmaEmerald · 23/04/2023 13:59

I'm not sure
why didn't you call your parents before getting in the car btw?

were they off their faces too? I'm guessing yes or how did they sleep through that?

Datafan55 · 23/04/2023 13:59

They should have noticed.
You should have told them when you took the kids in the middle of the night.
Your sister should not have invited x round when 3-4 was the agreement.
They shouldn't have been invited nor allowed to go with any kind of evening young person thing scheduled (that is always going to involve noise, drink, open front doors etc).

And I can only see a text is a problem if you don't look at texts/messages. Most people communicate via these these days, and would see them straight away. If you didn't answer straight away and they didn't follow it up with a call, then wrong on their part.

I can imagine your fear for your kids, but could also imagine your parents' panic this morning when they weren't in their beds.

Datafan55 · 23/04/2023 14:01

Some older people are also a little hard of hearing, whether they realise or admit it or not. Surely more likely that than 'off their faces'. They might not even realise how loud your sister's gatherings are (whereas a kid would).

Thesharkradar · 23/04/2023 14:01

I'm not sure if I would waste my breath raging at them, in my head I would relegate them to the status of 'distant relative' and I would never trust them with the children again.

EmmaEmerald · 23/04/2023 14:01

Dustybarn "The grandparents probably took sleeping pills and didn’t realize this is a bad idea when supervising children. Lesson learned. Just don’t let them sleep over again."

sleeping pills are nigh on impossible to get. Off their face or drunk seems more likely.

Prescottdanni123 · 23/04/2023 14:05

So did your parents know all of your sisters guests? Did your sister know all of them or were some of them friends of friends? They could have been anyone. If you could go upstairs to where the children were and remove them then so could anyone else. I don't know if I'd cut my parents off for this, unless there is more backstop of shitty behaviour/grandparenting, but they certainly wouldn't be having unsupervised access.