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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go mental regarding grandparents lack of sleepover care.

151 replies

Slothcloth2 · 23/04/2023 12:29

My parents ‘offered’ to have my 10&11 year old to sleep over last Friday. They said my sister who is 19 was having 3/4 friends over in the side lounge but the children wouldn’t be disturbed and it wouldn’t be a party as such.

At 1am I get a call from my 10 year old saying he is scared of all of the loud noise but then his battery went so I just got in the car and went straight there.

I walked into a party of about 20 people, house stank of alcohol and cannabis and my parents were asleep in bed whilst both of my DC were in their room scared.

My mum text me at 9am saying ‘please tell me the children are with you’

I am upset and my DH wants to cut them off for good.

Are we being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Conkersinautumn · 23/04/2023 13:19

How on earth are people blaming the OP for taking her kids out of that situation. I know damm well if she'd hung around with tired kids whilst she attempted to wake people and have it out with them MN would have said her priority was to start a fight and not her kids.

I'd definitely keep the kids from staying over, indefinitely and I wouldn't be leaving a situation where the parents were assessing risk without my oversight

VerityUnreasonble · 23/04/2023 13:21

I'm not sure why you didn't phone your parents after your DC rang you to ask them WTF was going on and tell them your DC was upset? Or even letting them know you were going to head over and get the kids. Presumably your parents have a phone. Or you could have rung your sister?

Jumping straight in the car and going over, taking the kids home without letting your parents know, seems like a way of escalating.

Is there some backstory?

AGovernmentOfLawsAndNotMen · 23/04/2023 13:21

Think you’re over reacting here.
It was wrong to remove your kids without speaking to the grandparents.

You knew a group of adults you did not necessarily know were having a get together. I wouldn't have left my kids there.

Erex · 23/04/2023 13:23

YANBU - I don't know if I'd cut them off, but 100% no more sleepovers or unsupervised contact.

To not know the children had gone, in a house full of people drinking and smoking cannabis is awful. You didn't do anything wrong by taking them. The text asking if you had them just further demonstrates how irresponsible they are - as if missing children is just a minor inconvenience. 🙄

allmyliesaretrue · 23/04/2023 13:23

To be brutally honest, none of you come out of this looking good!!

TheYearOfSmallThings · 23/04/2023 13:23

I wouldn't fall out with them but I would not let them mind the children in future because they clearly aren't up to it.

hereiamagainn · 23/04/2023 13:24

You would be unreasonable to cut them off over this.

You were also VERY unreasonable to take the children in the middle of the night without telling them.

However THEY were unreasonable to think that the children should be sleeping over in a house were older teens were partying.

As they offered, I can only assume they didn’t realise what sort of party it was going to be. Possibly more people arrived and the drinking began after they went to bed.

All in all, I think your DSis is the most unreasonable.

Topseyt123 · 23/04/2023 13:25

The only thing you are unreasonable about is not immediately waking your parents to say that you were taking the children home.

For everything else I would be furious with both them and your sister for exposing your children to this. I'm not sure I'd completely cut them off, but it would be a long time before they saw much of my children again, and certainly not unsupervised. It does sound like they were totally oblivious during the night while your children were frightened by the strangers in the house who were drinking and smoking weed. That would be very intimidating for young children and is very much a safeguarding concern.

mbosnz · 23/04/2023 13:26

I wouldn't have woken them, because I could not trust myself not to tear them a new one. I'd actually be responding that I'm not going to be talking to them about this right now, because I don't want to react in haste, and repent at leisure.

One thing though, that would be the end of sleepovers. Because your children will not feel safe going there for a sleepover after this. And with good reason. It's absolutely terrifying at that age, being in a house of out of control adults. At least they could ring you, and you went and got them.

HazyDragon · 23/04/2023 13:27

I know damm well if she'd hung around with tired kids whilst she attempted to wake people and have it out with them MN would have said her priority was to start a fight and not her kids.

Surely there was a middle ground between doing a midnight flit and starting a fight 😂

Hyppogriff · 23/04/2023 13:27

It is extraordinarily odd though for you to pick the kids up and not tell your parents - deliberate strange and provoking step I would say despite what occurred

RedToothBrush · 23/04/2023 13:28

The OP presumably knows her parents well enough to trust them to have the kids in the first place. She presumably would know from experience how deeply they sleep.

So for them to sleep through all that and not notice ANYTHING seems wildly off. One of them maybe at a push might, but BOTH of them?

So either the OP is wildly exaggerating. Or there is something else going on with regards to their sleep (sleeping pills?).

If they are taking sleeping pills which have this effect, they shouldn't be having the 10 and 11 year old over night like this cos they can't be responsible in the event of an emergency. Which would make the party part of the story irrelevant tbh. The fact that the parents didn't notice a problem to the next morning illustrates the point.

The fact that 3-4 people for a sleep over has turned into a party with 20 people with drugs and alcohol is nuts.

If you think about what could happen to the kids in that situation its really not cool. And the sister needs to have some responsibility for that, even if her gathering of 3-4 people was preapproved by parents / known about by OP.

If there was a big party of this nature and the OP saw fit to remove the kids at 1am, why didn't she check the welfare of her parents and just left them sleeping?

It all seems a little 'odd'.

TonTonMacoute · 23/04/2023 13:29

allmyliesaretrue · 23/04/2023 13:23

To be brutally honest, none of you come out of this looking good!!

This. A total breakdown in communications between all sides, and utter failure to think of what consequences might be.

None of the grown ups involved, including OP, seem to know how to adult.

Reigateforever · 23/04/2023 13:31

Before removing your children, why didn’t you wake your parents up It would have made more sense for them to have controlled the party? I realize you were in the right to take your children out of any danger but It must have been a terrible shock for your parents to find the children gone, didn’t your sister know what happening?

Badbudgeter · 23/04/2023 13:33

HairyToity · 23/04/2023 12:52

If a 19 year old sister was having friends over, I'd have predicted alcohol and possibly weed, and just made an excuse to grandparents and cancelled sleepover. They were daft agreeing to do both, and I think you made a poor decision having your DC there.

Would you really? 3-4 friends in the side lounge sounds like a movie night or something to me. I’d expect takeaway to be consumed not cannabis!

I can honestly say that I never went to a party like that whilst the parents were at home as a teenager/ young adult.

I’d be shocked and appalled to OP. I’d tell them how upset the children were. Ask them for space/ time to get over it. If they ignore you I’d go no contact.

Hotfootgoose · 23/04/2023 13:34

I don’t think you were wrong for taking the kids without telling them. Actually what you did was further expose that they can’t monitor their own grandkids. What if your children had let themselves out, or got taken by one of the many strangers partying in their house? If they got a shock that is their fault. They were in charge of your kids not your sister. They did not safeguarding them.

WhatNoRaisins · 23/04/2023 13:34

Don't blame you for not waking them. Sounds like they need a serious wake up call about what's going on in their house and their inability to safely supervise their grandkids. They can't have been too concerned in any case if they just texted.

I wouldn't send your kids for another sleepover, supervised contact during the day maybe but I'm assuming this isn't the only issue.

BadNomad · 23/04/2023 13:36

Why didn't you phone your parents or your sister before you left so someone could go in and comfort them or let them know you were coming for them?

TidyDancer · 23/04/2023 13:37

No one (including you) has handled this situation particularly well (to varying degrees).

Your sister is clearly the most in the wrong having that kind of party knowing there were children in the house.

I assume your parents didn't realise what was going on and went to bed thinking everything was ok then slept through the noise? If that's the case then they've been naive perhaps. I don't think it's a hanging offence though!

You picking the DCs up without a word to your parents was awful. Fancy your DH thinking you're so in the right that he wants to cut your parents off! He can't be serious surely?

Viviennemary · 23/04/2023 13:37

You shouldnt have sent them if their daughter was having friends round. They shouldnt have agreed to both. Recipe for disaster. Ynwere vvvvu for taking them home without saying anything. Awful. I wouldnt do any more childcare for you if I was your parents.

GiraffeLaSophie · 23/04/2023 13:38

LividHouse · 23/04/2023 12:39

They were out of order, but so were you for taking the kids back without telling them you’d gone!!

Yes, this. They were completely out of order, but you should have woken them up and told them that you were taking the children back (and told them why!), unless you told your sister and assumed that she would tell them when they woke up?

I can’t believe your mum thought her grandchildren might be missing and decided to text you rather than call. That is terrifying. I wouldn’t cut them off, but they’re obviously not sensible enough to have unsupervised access.

Mirabai · 23/04/2023 13:39

LightDrizzle · 23/04/2023 13:18

I wouldn’t cut them off but they wouldn’t have any more sleepovers or long periods of sole care.

How the hell did they sleep through it all?

This.

BitOutOfPractice · 23/04/2023 13:41

I 100% agree with @TidyDancer - nobody has covered themselves in glory here.

why didn’t you phone your parents or wake them when you got there. Presumably you took them away in the night without a word to make some dramatic point?

Gcsunnyside23 · 23/04/2023 13:41

Your parents deserved a scare waking up to no kids in the house. I don't get why everyone is hung up on why the grandparents weren't told they were leaving considering they gave no thought to them being in the house with 20 strangers. Were they drinking heavily also?
I'd be fuming, wouldn't cut them off but no overnight stays as they have broken all trust.
People are piling on also because you knew your sister was having a few mates over but I think it's easy to think it's ok when you know your sister and probably know the friends that were supposed to be coming and trusted your parents to keep things PG.
I don't think you're over reacting about anything, I'd be spitting fire

Fizzadora · 23/04/2023 13:41

I can't believe anybody thinks that this is in any way acceptable.
I would find it very difficult to speak to my family again after this.