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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have slept with my best friends father in law at her wedding?

169 replies

Pillowfork · 23/04/2023 07:27

My best friend and her now DH got married yesterday- beautiful wonderful day it was perfect. She met him as I know his dad from work, there's an age gap but we've always got on well and one night out we saw him and his son out so I introduced my BF and it went from there.

Anyway, despite the age gap there's always been sexual tension between me and his dad (we are both single so no issue on that side). After the reception I asked if he wanted to come to my room- we were staying in the hotel where the reception was held as were most of the guests. One thing led to another and we had sex; bit of alcohol involved but both able to make a rational decision just got swept away I think.

No regrets in regard to sleeping with him, we both talked about it this morning and are both alright, no one else knows either (unless they were spying but ridiculously unlikely). But I feel really guilty- she's my best friend and I don't usually keep anything from her but obviously this I will. I'm just worried in case she does find out, I guess it didn't affect her day at all but dunno just overthinking maybe, is it that big of a deal in reality?!

OP posts:
WCRoulade · 23/04/2023 13:04

I voted YABU because you shouldn't feel guilty or hide it from her.

If I were your best friend I'd find this hilarious. Also don't underestimate who may have been around to see the sexual tension, room hopping and so it'll probably get back to her anyway

CallintheClownies · 23/04/2023 13:13

After the reception I asked if he wanted to come to my room

To play Scrabble of course.

You meant this to happen @Pillowfork (nice play on your username by the way!)

So it was always your plan.

If you are unsure now, maybe put brain into gear before acting on impulses in the future.

CallintheClownies · 23/04/2023 13:15

Walls have ears and someone will know.

Freefall212 · 23/04/2023 13:21

LolaSmiles · 23/04/2023 13:02

Consenting adults can obviously do what they like. But for most of us sex with any one individual wouldn't take priority over the potential to cause offence or drama with our best friend. I mean really, the world is hardly running out of middle aged men who'd have one off sex with women their son's age, is it? Nor is it running out of hotel rooms or Saturday nights
Agree with you, but it will only cause offence and drama if the OP's friend and husband are the sort of people who think they get to dictate what their guests do at all points of their wedding day.

Much as I'd not do what the OP has, they were friends before the couple met so it does have slightly different vibes to father of the groom and hooking up with bride's friend who he's just met. It's not like she has attended the wedding looking for a middle aged man to shag and then zoomed in on her friend's new father in law.

Yep, this just comes down to people's personal perspectives and family attitudes and values. There would be some people who would think it hilarious if their mother or father was up shagging the bride or groom's best friend during the wedding and others who would be mortified. Just like some people love orgies and public sex and are very sexually disinhibited and talk about their sex life with their family and friends while others keep it private. There is a wide spectrum of views on sex and sexual partners and sexual activity. In some families, sexual partners get passed around, in others they only ever have one or two sexual partners in life as sex is very meaningful to them. As long as everyone is cool with you shag my family and i'll shag yours - then go for it!

Original poster
Pillowfork · 23/04/2023 13:26

WCRoulade · 23/04/2023 13:04

I voted YABU because you shouldn't feel guilty or hide it from her.

If I were your best friend I'd find this hilarious. Also don't underestimate who may have been around to see the sexual tension, room hopping and so it'll probably get back to her anyway

Before she got together with his son I spoke to my friend about my confused feelings towards him and how I was attracted to him but the age was a barrier. Friends and colleagues have long made remarks, jokes and comments about it before but whilst most wouldn't care I suspect others wouldn't be too shocked as wasn't out of the blue I guess, not that it matters. I have spoken to other friends about my feelings but not her since it was clear she was getting serious with his son which was a few years back now as it felt awkward.

So it was always your plan.

When I invited him was definitely hoping he wanted the same as me in the moment, but wouldn't say it was a long thought out plan or anything. We spoke and danced at various points of the evening anyway as we get on well.

OP posts:
Strugglingtodomybest · 23/04/2023 13:38

In some families, sexual partners get passed around, in others they only ever have one or two sexual partners in life as sex is very meaningful to them.

Something about this sentence sounds weird, but I'm not sure what?!

Freefall212 · 23/04/2023 13:41

Strugglingtodomybest · 23/04/2023 13:38

In some families, sexual partners get passed around, in others they only ever have one or two sexual partners in life as sex is very meaningful to them.

Something about this sentence sounds weird, but I'm not sure what?!

Maybe I worded it funny? Just meant that for some people sex is just sex and doens't really have much meaning beyond a good time and so if you have sex with me and then my sister - cool, we will compare notes. For other people, sex is a really meaningful thing that they only engage in with people they are in love with and they would be devastated if a family member had sex with a wedding party member at their wedding. So knowing your family and friends views on sex is important before shagging at their wedding!

5128gap · 23/04/2023 13:46

Strugglingtodomybest · 23/04/2023 13:38

In some families, sexual partners get passed around, in others they only ever have one or two sexual partners in life as sex is very meaningful to them.

Something about this sentence sounds weird, but I'm not sure what?!

I think its because it only poses two stances which are chasms apart and which would both only apply to a minority.
The vast majority of people neither pass sexual partners around their family OR think you should only ever have meaningful sex with one or two partners. We are typically somewhere in between!

nomoredriving · 23/04/2023 14:08

CallintheClownies · 23/04/2023 13:13

After the reception I asked if he wanted to come to my room

To play Scrabble of course.

You meant this to happen @Pillowfork (nice play on your username by the way!)

So it was always your plan.

If you are unsure now, maybe put brain into gear before acting on impulses in the future.

Impulsive sex is the best sex!

You enjoy @Pillowfork

UlrikakakaJ · 23/04/2023 14:14

Agree with everyone else, sounds fun, you’ve done nothing wrong but don’t mention it as it may feel weird given the family relationship and that it happened at her wedding.

Big q is, what is it about the age gap that you’re worried about? Seems like there has been something between you two for years, age gaps bring their complications but on the other hand finding someone you really connect with is a special thing not to be discarded lightly! Good luck whatever you decide 💐

LolaSmiles · 23/04/2023 14:21

Freefall212
I don't even think it's the case of you shag my family and I'll shag yours/passing partners around to be honest.

Not sure what your anecdote about two sisters shagging the same man has to do with the OP's situation. 🤷‍♀️

The OP and this man are friends and have been for some time. There's been some chemistry over the friendship.

OP's friend and Man's son were introduced and have got married.

They're two separate relationships.

It's nothing like passing sexual partners around a family or anything like that.

Original poster
Pillowfork · 23/04/2023 14:29

UlrikakakaJ · 23/04/2023 14:14

Agree with everyone else, sounds fun, you’ve done nothing wrong but don’t mention it as it may feel weird given the family relationship and that it happened at her wedding.

Big q is, what is it about the age gap that you’re worried about? Seems like there has been something between you two for years, age gaps bring their complications but on the other hand finding someone you really connect with is a special thing not to be discarded lightly! Good luck whatever you decide 💐

Im not sure really, I'd never judge anyone else for an age gap so not sure why for myself I've talked myself out of it. I think partly at least its because I've remained single since splitting with DS' dad years ago and it's the only excuse I can tell myself with this one! Would be super awkward now she's married to his son but we do get on well as I said and don't think it'll be awkward between us so I guess never say never just not now maybe!

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 23/04/2023 14:33

You've not done anything wrong but tbh it is a bit of hot gossip isn't it? I definitely not tell her anytime soon as it'll distract from the wedding. Let her keep this about her.
In time if there's an opportune moment in a years time I might let it slip but I don't think I'd go out of way to tell her. Saying that I wouldn't hide it like a dirty secret either. Lets say in 2 years time your friends are all talking about what their partners will look like when they're older and someone mentions how attractive FIL is, I'd be inclined to join in. If someone says you fancy him, or would you...just say, I have! Keep it light hearted.
Of course if you've promised him you'll never ever ever say anything then don't...but if you've just agreed no one needs to know about this..not so sure.
Of course, if it comes out in 2 years time and your friend undoubtedly tells her husband, don't be shocked if he says Yes, I know!

mackthepony · 23/04/2023 14:38

You champion you

😀

Good for you op, sounds like a better night than I had!!

Freefall212 · 23/04/2023 14:40

5128gap · 23/04/2023 13:46

I think its because it only poses two stances which are chasms apart and which would both only apply to a minority.
The vast majority of people neither pass sexual partners around their family OR think you should only ever have meaningful sex with one or two partners. We are typically somewhere in between!

Show quote history

My point was that the range of views is wide - chasms apart as you say and hence knowing others views is important as they may be very different from yours. It wasn't a binary that everyone falls on one of the extreme ends of the range! I thought it was common sense that there is a range of views between the two extremes but I guess I should have specified that these weren't the only two possible views.

Original poster
Pillowfork · 23/04/2023 15:09

I think I get what you mean @Freefall212 , within friendship groups/families people have different attitudes toward sex, some wouldn't find it a big deal and others would be horrified?

OP posts:
Freefall212 · 23/04/2023 15:12

Pillowfork · 23/04/2023 15:09

I think I get what you mean @Freefall212 , within friendship groups/families people have different attitudes toward sex, some wouldn't find it a big deal and others would be horrified?

Yes exactly! I am glad you understood, I wasn't saying you shared a sex partner with your sister! Just that people view sex in very different ways. I guess I was too abstract!

DepartureLounge · 23/04/2023 17:23

There would be some people who would think it hilarious if their mother or father was up shagging the bride or groom's best friend during the wedding and others who would be mortified. Just like some people love orgies and public sex and are very sexually disinhibited and talk about their sex life with their family and friends while others keep it private.

I don't think this is a good analogy at all! You don't have to be a person who "loves orgies and public sex" to be a person who would be more amused than horrified at OP getting it on with FIL ffs!

Original poster
Pillowfork · 23/04/2023 20:57

We've been texting for most of the day it does seem different to usual, maybe I was naieve and it was bound to change things :( maybe for the best anyway. I actually don't think my friend would be that horrified although might find it awkward, but as it was her wedding I think she'd be annoyed if it became gossip (which it wont) and that she'd be concerned about my choices.

OP posts:
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