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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Game playing friend - how to deal with it

235 replies

Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 18:32

I am based in a small village this is not unimportant. When we moved here twenty years ago I made good friends with ‘Belle’ and our dc were friends and we spent many Christmases, birthdays, holidays and were super close. Over the pandemic we only grew closer.

In the interim we made separate groups of friends with different circles of friends but still sharing many local friends. Somewhere along the line once the lockdowns lifted she started prioritising some newer friends and I noticed she didn’t invite me to her birthday etc any longer - I asked her about it, if something was wrong she said no, but was vague and blamed other people for messing up the guest list. Really feeble excuses regarding dinners and parties etc but she still claimed we were the best of friends and nothing had changed. It happened repeatedly.
I continued to invite her to the things I was doing for a very long time, not wishing to be petty and to avoid tit for tat. She accepted all of our invites but never returned them for years! Instead she continued to invite others. Eventually I eased off including her, assuming our friendship was cooling, and moving to a different stage. It was sad at the time ofc but just one of those things.

I have some very close friends elsewhere and have been spending more time with them in the last few years. I have accepted this particular friendship has changed, and even after we spoke about it nothing changed for the better in terms of reciprocity. I am planning a birthday party in the summer and have invited local friends and others.

I have now received an outraged message from this friend demanding to know why she isn’t invited and really kicking off. It appears she expects to have birthdays and parties and not invite me, but I am expected to continue to roll out the invites and red carpet for her…

Can someone please share with me their thoughts on this. I am stumped.

Should I have invited her?
Why is she doing this?

OP posts:
OrigamiOwls · 22/04/2023 18:40

It's message her back asking the lines on what you've said here - you assumed that the friendship has cooled as she never invited you to her events. Friendship needs to be a two way street.

CaroleSinger · 22/04/2023 18:40

Well the friendship has changed and will probably never be the same so I think you have very little to lose by telling her exactly what you've said here then ending it. Tell her that it seems you are expected to invite her to everything but she does not have to reciprocate. You e even asked her if there was a problem and she said no then continued to not invite you, so you assumed she was making it known she didn't want to be close anymore.

FrenchBoule · 22/04/2023 18:41

I wouldn’t grace it with reply.

Original poster
Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 18:43

Yes that’s exactly how I feel. It seems she doesn’t want to make the effort - maybe complacency has set in, but wants to carry on being invited. She has a bit of nerve to kick off and she was very animated about it. How dare I not include her kind of vibe.

OP posts:
Nightynightnight · 22/04/2023 18:45

I have friends who don't invite me to everything they do, but that's not what I need from those relationships. What do you need from the relationship with her?

Do you have more or better friends than she does?

ColdHandsHotHead · 22/04/2023 18:47

Some people think they are special and can just do what they want. She probably thought you were reliant o n her friendship and is annoyed that you aren't. I had a friend many years ago who thought she could pick me up and put me down as she chose. She was furious when she realised I no longer considered her a friend. Serve her right.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/04/2023 18:47

You shouldn't reply at all. She is no longer your friend.

Original poster
Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 18:48

Nightynightnight · 22/04/2023 18:45

I have friends who don't invite me to everything they do, but that's not what I need from those relationships. What do you need from the relationship with her?

Do you have more or better friends than she does?

I don’t expect to be invited to everything, of course not but I do expect at least one invite in 3/4 years, given she has been to numerous dinners and celebrations at our house in that time. It’s not like she has stopped socialising, far from it.

I need reciprocity and consideration from her. It feels and has become very one sided.

OP posts:
SoupedUpSue · 22/04/2023 18:49

I would ignore her message. If she gets in touch for a second time then spell it out for her. Are you likely to bump into her before the party?

Original poster
Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 18:50

Yes I am likely to see her at mutual friends houses. It could become very awkward. If we lived in a city it wouldn’t matter so much.

OP posts:
icelollycraving · 22/04/2023 18:51

Just reply that you’ve invited her to several events but thought the friendship had taken a different path, as she had not invited you to her parties blah blah. The friendship has definitely cooled now!

Original poster
Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 18:55

ColdHandsHotHead · 22/04/2023 18:47

Some people think they are special and can just do what they want. She probably thought you were reliant o n her friendship and is annoyed that you aren't. I had a friend many years ago who thought she could pick me up and put me down as she chose. She was furious when she realised I no longer considered her a friend. Serve her right.

It feels a bit like this. That I am a banked friend, and she doesn’t need to try anymore. She just assumes I will be okay to put up with it

OP posts:
WaltzingWaters · 22/04/2023 18:56

I’d reply with what you’ve said here. You assumed the friendship had cooled off/changed as she’s not invited you to anything in x amount of years whilst you’ve still invited her to things.

Original poster
Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 18:56

Aquamarine1029 · 22/04/2023 18:47

You shouldn't reply at all. She is no longer your friend.

Why do you think that? She insists we are very good friends but her actions say otherwise ( to me anyway)

OP posts:
Turnthelightoff · 22/04/2023 18:56

This is said tongue in cheek but you could tell her you’ve not got round to adding in some tier 2 friends yet to the invite list, she’ll be sure to hear from you when you do. But in all seriousness this is a difficult one, she’s expecting you to roll over all apologetic and invite her and you want to take this opportunity to say something, I’m sure someone will come along with a good way of wording that which will resonate with you.

Original poster
Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 19:00

Turnthelightoff · 22/04/2023 18:56

This is said tongue in cheek but you could tell her you’ve not got round to adding in some tier 2 friends yet to the invite list, she’ll be sure to hear from you when you do. But in all seriousness this is a difficult one, she’s expecting you to roll over all apologetic and invite her and you want to take this opportunity to say something, I’m sure someone will come along with a good way of wording that which will resonate with you.

Even if I invite her now it will feel like a secondary invite as she was not originally invited! It’s really awkward.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 19:03

I think I am finding it hard to get my head around it. If she was fading out the friendship she wouldn’t continue to message and come to stuff, if she wanted the friendship to thrive she would be more reciprocal. So it seems she wants to cherry pick and come to everything all the while pouring her time and energy into other friendships.

OP posts:
LadyTmalia · 22/04/2023 19:07

Text back "sorry, someone must have messed up the guest list" then block her 😥

I don't think she has any right to be outraged, but how much do you value the friendship? do you want it to be saved?

SMabbutt · 22/04/2023 19:07

Reply "Presumably for the same reason you never invite me to your events. Surprised you asked tbh."

RichardsGear · 22/04/2023 19:07

Please just reply, 'When was the last time you invited me to anything?!'

Comtesse · 22/04/2023 19:12

What Richard said!!

purpleme12 · 22/04/2023 19:18

I think you need to use one of the above replies because like you say she's actually said something, she's not just completely fading.
You're not unreasonable not to have invited her for the reason you said so you need to tell her so she doesn't think you're in the wrong.

Stellaroses · 22/04/2023 19:20

“When you didn’t invite me to xyz, I assumed you wanted to cool off the friendship, and I have respected that.”

Aquamarine1029 · 22/04/2023 19:20

RichardsGear · 22/04/2023 19:07

Please just reply, 'When was the last time you invited me to anything?!'

If you do reply, this is exactly what you should say. Nothing else.

Hankunamatata · 22/04/2023 19:26

I'd message her saying

"Hi, I thought we weren't doing invites anymore."

See what she replies.