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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Game playing friend - how to deal with it

235 replies

Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 18:32

I am based in a small village this is not unimportant. When we moved here twenty years ago I made good friends with ‘Belle’ and our dc were friends and we spent many Christmases, birthdays, holidays and were super close. Over the pandemic we only grew closer.

In the interim we made separate groups of friends with different circles of friends but still sharing many local friends. Somewhere along the line once the lockdowns lifted she started prioritising some newer friends and I noticed she didn’t invite me to her birthday etc any longer - I asked her about it, if something was wrong she said no, but was vague and blamed other people for messing up the guest list. Really feeble excuses regarding dinners and parties etc but she still claimed we were the best of friends and nothing had changed. It happened repeatedly.
I continued to invite her to the things I was doing for a very long time, not wishing to be petty and to avoid tit for tat. She accepted all of our invites but never returned them for years! Instead she continued to invite others. Eventually I eased off including her, assuming our friendship was cooling, and moving to a different stage. It was sad at the time ofc but just one of those things.

I have some very close friends elsewhere and have been spending more time with them in the last few years. I have accepted this particular friendship has changed, and even after we spoke about it nothing changed for the better in terms of reciprocity. I am planning a birthday party in the summer and have invited local friends and others.

I have now received an outraged message from this friend demanding to know why she isn’t invited and really kicking off. It appears she expects to have birthdays and parties and not invite me, but I am expected to continue to roll out the invites and red carpet for her…

Can someone please share with me their thoughts on this. I am stumped.

Should I have invited her?
Why is she doing this?

OP posts:
CornforthWhite · 22/04/2023 21:40

I like the coffee option from BigCheeseSandwich too. Gives you chance to actually talk to her (if he agrees to meet) and if she turns you down there is no way she can expect to come to your event. Win, win.

Original poster
Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 21:43

I like that message too. It’s not gong to create massive row. Sending now.

OP posts:
forthisinamechange · 22/04/2023 21:47

Shamelessly placemarking because I'm sure she will reply. What did you say in the end?

Original poster
Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 21:53

I have sent a reply to say it’s a bbq in the garden nothing big, and happy to meet for coffee. No apologies or invite

OP posts:
Original poster
Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 21:53

I not expecting it to go down well

OP posts:
Original poster
Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 21:54

I am not

OP posts:
purpleme12 · 22/04/2023 22:05

Oh she's not going to get why you've done it from that message ☹️

Original poster
Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 22:21

purpleme12 · 22/04/2023 22:05

Oh she's not going to get why you've done it from that message ☹️

I have already discussed it with her, she knows exactly why things are strained. I don’t need to spell it out again. She wants me to invite her, that hasn’t happened.

OP posts:
purpleme12 · 22/04/2023 22:22

Oh ok thought the thread was asking for how to deal with it

Justalittlebitduckling · 22/04/2023 22:26

Can you use similar language/excuses to what she has said to you in the past?

Original poster
Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 22:27

purpleme12 · 22/04/2023 22:22

Oh ok thought the thread was asking for how to deal with it

It was really asking how to deal with this development and her anger at not being invited, and to see if I am being U not inviting her. She knows why things are difficult which is why her message is so surprising and rude quite frankly.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 22/04/2023 23:08

Well as she already knows why then your only option is to stand up to her. Or move.

k1233 · 22/04/2023 23:23

If she comes back again I'd calmly say you were following her lead. She's made it very apparent over the last couple of years that she was cooling your friendship and you were no longer at the party / event invite level, more casual coffee catch ups on the odd occasion. You won't force yourself on her, so you invited people who have a closer friendship with you.

Matchymatchylemonscratchy · 23/04/2023 01:26

k1233 · 22/04/2023 23:23

If she comes back again I'd calmly say you were following her lead. She's made it very apparent over the last couple of years that she was cooling your friendship and you were no longer at the party / event invite level, more casual coffee catch ups on the odd occasion. You won't force yourself on her, so you invited people who have a closer friendship with you.

Yep. I’d do this too.

Cnidarian · 23/04/2023 03:48

I'm amazed by how much socialising you all seem to do!

Phgty · 23/04/2023 04:06

Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 21:53

I have sent a reply to say it’s a bbq in the garden nothing big, and happy to meet for coffee. No apologies or invite

That's a great reply. No drama!

I suspect she has used you; happy to come to your events but sees no 'worth' in inviting you to her events. Very hurtful.

sausage767 · 23/04/2023 04:10

Why don’t you ask her to have coffee and just have an honest conversation? I don’t understand why all this text and message drama between people who are supposed to be friends.

Phoebo · 23/04/2023 04:14

I'd be honest and say what you've said here summarised of course. Then just ignore her. She doesn't sound very nice

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/04/2023 05:22

I think the message was good. Far kinder than how she’s treated you. Did she reply?

Fraaahnces · 23/04/2023 05:27

I think the coffee thing was brilliant. She has nothing horrible to “share” her outrage and vilification with mutual friends and those in the know can “share” the truth in person at your party if her name is brought up. You can potter about with your head held high and enjoy yourself.
My only concern is that she may decide to see your invite for coffee as an invite to the party and just rock up like the evil fairy at Sleeping Beauty’s christening.

OctopusComplex · 23/04/2023 07:35

Just for insight, it is not uncommon for people who are used to weaving a magical social circle to start losing their grip, when they start losing their grip!

Maybe she was happy to be able to say she was invited to yours, and be seen at your house etc., but didn’t feel the need to put in any further effort.

Now that she’s an empty-nester, and maybe she’s feeling a little different/less important, she’s trying to get back her power? Maybe she’s peri-meno and feeling a little all over the place. All these things can lead you to feel invisible, impotent etc., and in people with a certain personality type, they “rail against the dying of the light” and become even more unpleasant.

Anyway, not your job to put up with it, I hope you continue to handle it with such grace. I note that someone ELSE described her as a social climber, so you might be surprised at how little people care if she starts screeching about you. They might automatically “side” with you?

At the very least I suspect few will be shunning you in the village shop Grin

Original poster
Blizzard23 · 23/04/2023 07:43

The shunning at the village shop and pub IS a thing!!

It sounds very small minded but it is the case that people can be sent to social Siberia in a heart beat in this place by Queen bee types just like my ‘friend’
I was shocked by the cabal approach when we moved here many years ago.

I made lots of friends and my strategy was to stay out of it, and avoid as far as possible.

OP posts:
OctopusComplex · 23/04/2023 07:44

Oh, I KNOW! I’m not saying it doesn’t happen, just that you’ve covered yourself well, and sounds as if others have the size of her… good luck!

Original poster
Blizzard23 · 23/04/2023 09:30

😂 I always used to think this kind of thing was a mythical village tribal wars, but experience tells me otherwise!

Well the reply was interesting! A very puffy message saying she was just trying to clear the air as so many people have asked if she is going?! And she didn’t want anything to fester !!!!

Brass neck springs to mind.

OP posts:
NewLifter · 23/04/2023 09:40

I think it would have been better to have responded that you have accepted that you had drifted apart due to the friendship being very one sided for quite some time. You therefore had moved on. A party wouldn't really be the right opportunity to try and reconnect, meeting for coffee sometime would be much more appropriate.

Your response still make sit look like you have cooled off the friendship.