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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Game playing friend - how to deal with it

235 replies

Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 18:32

I am based in a small village this is not unimportant. When we moved here twenty years ago I made good friends with ‘Belle’ and our dc were friends and we spent many Christmases, birthdays, holidays and were super close. Over the pandemic we only grew closer.

In the interim we made separate groups of friends with different circles of friends but still sharing many local friends. Somewhere along the line once the lockdowns lifted she started prioritising some newer friends and I noticed she didn’t invite me to her birthday etc any longer - I asked her about it, if something was wrong she said no, but was vague and blamed other people for messing up the guest list. Really feeble excuses regarding dinners and parties etc but she still claimed we were the best of friends and nothing had changed. It happened repeatedly.
I continued to invite her to the things I was doing for a very long time, not wishing to be petty and to avoid tit for tat. She accepted all of our invites but never returned them for years! Instead she continued to invite others. Eventually I eased off including her, assuming our friendship was cooling, and moving to a different stage. It was sad at the time ofc but just one of those things.

I have some very close friends elsewhere and have been spending more time with them in the last few years. I have accepted this particular friendship has changed, and even after we spoke about it nothing changed for the better in terms of reciprocity. I am planning a birthday party in the summer and have invited local friends and others.

I have now received an outraged message from this friend demanding to know why she isn’t invited and really kicking off. It appears she expects to have birthdays and parties and not invite me, but I am expected to continue to roll out the invites and red carpet for her…

Can someone please share with me their thoughts on this. I am stumped.

Should I have invited her?
Why is she doing this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 19:27

One of our shared friends called her a ‘social climber’ a while back. So is it possible I have been used all along?

Thank you for your replies and suggestions I am reading each one.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 19:28

I am worried to call her out, as she won’t take kindly to it and it WILL cause a guaranteed falling out.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 22/04/2023 19:30

Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 19:28

I am worried to call her out, as she won’t take kindly to it and it WILL cause a guaranteed falling out.

You've already fallen out. You might as well stand up for yourself. If you don't, you'll always be the doormat in this relationship.

Original poster
Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 19:34

I have in truth felt close to a doormat for a long time! I thought I was being the bigger person 😬

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 22/04/2023 19:46

I'm going to look at this from a different angle. Many people have different 'sets' of friends for different things. You talk a lot about 'invites' to things but your friendship has probably been more one where you 'pop around' each others houses and just have more 'casual' meet ups. Let's say for example these new friends are in the habit of holding dinner parties or going for bottomless brunches. She might think these 6/8 friends are already a 'set' and not invite you as its something 'they' do together. If ine of these events falls on her birthday, its maybe been brought up when shes with new friends. Its not so much shes not inviting you, its that shes already made plans for her birthday. She probably didnt invite her Mum either or Carol from PTA. I think that's fine.

Now let's say you have 5 or 6 close friends and you have a party for your 40th/50th. You probably have invited Carol from PTA and your own parents. It'll also be common knowledge in the village. If this is this is the case it would be odd not to invite her. There have probably been other things you've done where she didn't go. She's probably no heard about them, but you are hearing about her social life. Or maybe you're not 'doing' anything and weren't really into that so shes found friends who are.
My mum is a widow and often gets invited to things and instead of a standard 'plus 1' yhey say bring X her best friend. Sometimes she just wants to do something separate.
Why not just respond and say you only really invited close friends but she's welcome to come.

Nanny0gg · 22/04/2023 19:48

Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 18:48

I don’t expect to be invited to everything, of course not but I do expect at least one invite in 3/4 years, given she has been to numerous dinners and celebrations at our house in that time. It’s not like she has stopped socialising, far from it.

I need reciprocity and consideration from her. It feels and has become very one sided.

Show quote history

I take it you don't meet one-on-one anymore?

GoodChat · 22/04/2023 19:49

OrigamiOwls · 22/04/2023 18:40

It's message her back asking the lines on what you've said here - you assumed that the friendship has cooled as she never invited you to her events. Friendship needs to be a two way street.

This is all you need to say. It's the exact truth.

Original poster
Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 19:52

JudgeRudy · 22/04/2023 19:46

I'm going to look at this from a different angle. Many people have different 'sets' of friends for different things. You talk a lot about 'invites' to things but your friendship has probably been more one where you 'pop around' each others houses and just have more 'casual' meet ups. Let's say for example these new friends are in the habit of holding dinner parties or going for bottomless brunches. She might think these 6/8 friends are already a 'set' and not invite you as its something 'they' do together. If ine of these events falls on her birthday, its maybe been brought up when shes with new friends. Its not so much shes not inviting you, its that shes already made plans for her birthday. She probably didnt invite her Mum either or Carol from PTA. I think that's fine.

Now let's say you have 5 or 6 close friends and you have a party for your 40th/50th. You probably have invited Carol from PTA and your own parents. It'll also be common knowledge in the village. If this is this is the case it would be odd not to invite her. There have probably been other things you've done where she didn't go. She's probably no heard about them, but you are hearing about her social life. Or maybe you're not 'doing' anything and weren't really into that so shes found friends who are.
My mum is a widow and often gets invited to things and instead of a standard 'plus 1' yhey say bring X her best friend. Sometimes she just wants to do something separate.
Why not just respond and say you only really invited close friends but she's welcome to come.

I appreciate a different angle but she is a social butterfly, and we have plenty of friends and hobbies that cross over. I would agree with you if it we were talking about 6 months to a year but not for this length of time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 19:54

Nanny0gg · 22/04/2023 19:48

I take it you don't meet one-on-one anymore?

Show quote history

We usually meet in a very small group but I have stopped going as much, because of the reasons I have said and it doesn’t feel relaxing anymore. There is a lot not being said.

OP posts:
purpleme12 · 22/04/2023 20:04

Keep the reply factual. Just about her not inviting you things for years so you weren't sure if she wanted to be friends anymore from that

mainsfed · 22/04/2023 20:07

JudgeRudy · 22/04/2023 19:46

I'm going to look at this from a different angle. Many people have different 'sets' of friends for different things. You talk a lot about 'invites' to things but your friendship has probably been more one where you 'pop around' each others houses and just have more 'casual' meet ups. Let's say for example these new friends are in the habit of holding dinner parties or going for bottomless brunches. She might think these 6/8 friends are already a 'set' and not invite you as its something 'they' do together. If ine of these events falls on her birthday, its maybe been brought up when shes with new friends. Its not so much shes not inviting you, its that shes already made plans for her birthday. She probably didnt invite her Mum either or Carol from PTA. I think that's fine.

Now let's say you have 5 or 6 close friends and you have a party for your 40th/50th. You probably have invited Carol from PTA and your own parents. It'll also be common knowledge in the village. If this is this is the case it would be odd not to invite her. There have probably been other things you've done where she didn't go. She's probably no heard about them, but you are hearing about her social life. Or maybe you're not 'doing' anything and weren't really into that so shes found friends who are.
My mum is a widow and often gets invited to things and instead of a standard 'plus 1' yhey say bring X her best friend. Sometimes she just wants to do something separate.
Why not just respond and say you only really invited close friends but she's welcome to come.

You realise that this is all waffle, yes?

HerrickForever · 22/04/2023 20:11

mainsfed · 22/04/2023 20:07

You realise that this is all waffle, yes?

Show quote history

😂

cosmicfig · 22/04/2023 20:12

Who is she to kick off at you? Real
friends don’t do that.

Peterpiperpickedapeckof · 22/04/2023 20:15

You do need to stand up for yourself very politely here. Don’t roll over.

Quite often standing up for yourself has a surprising effect. She has taken you for granted and now won’t.

JudgeRudy · 22/04/2023 20:20

@mainsfed caught again. Sounded genuine to me

Original poster
Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 20:21

mainsfed · 22/04/2023 20:07

You realise that this is all waffle, yes?

Show quote history

What? This post is waffle?

OP posts:
mainsfed · 22/04/2023 20:22

Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 20:21

What? This post is waffle?

Show quote history

I meant @JudgeRudy ‘s post was waffle.

Original poster
Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 20:22

Peterpiperpickedapeckof · 22/04/2023 20:15

You do need to stand up for yourself very politely here. Don’t roll over.

Quite often standing up for yourself has a surprising effect. She has taken you for granted and now won’t.

I felt like I did that when we had the first talk.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 20:24

mainsfed · 22/04/2023 20:22

I meant @JudgeRudy ‘s post was waffle.

Show quote history

I am going to reply with a text to say I have only invited very close friends and return invites. I may say come if you want without much enthusiasm but what if she cones??!!

OP posts:
mainsfed · 22/04/2023 20:25

Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 20:24

I am going to reply with a text to say I have only invited very close friends and return invites. I may say come if you want without much enthusiasm but what if she cones??!!

Show quote history

No! Do not invite her! Don’t respond.

OrigamiOwls · 22/04/2023 20:28

Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 20:24

I am going to reply with a text to say I have only invited very close friends and return invites. I may say come if you want without much enthusiasm but what if she cones??!!

Show quote history

Absolutely not. Keep it factual, or you'll keep being obligated to invite her to your events for evermore without any returned invitations.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 22/04/2023 20:31

If you don't want her there do not give in to her. Your reply will depend on what you want the outcome to be and if you want to still be friendly but not friends. Do you actually want to continue with a real friendship? It sounds like she hasn't been a good friend to you. Maybe just a 'sorry you feel that way. See you at the next mutual friend meet up'

crumpet · 22/04/2023 20:32

2 issues:
are you happy for her to come or would you actively prefer that she didn’t?
And what do you want from the friendship?

No issue in saying to her that you thought things had moved on given that in the last few years she’d not invited you to anything.

also no issue in saying that she’s welcome to come, if you’re happy for her to do so

Original poster
Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 20:33

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 22/04/2023 20:31

If you don't want her there do not give in to her. Your reply will depend on what you want the outcome to be and if you want to still be friendly but not friends. Do you actually want to continue with a real friendship? It sounds like she hasn't been a good friend to you. Maybe just a 'sorry you feel that way. See you at the next mutual friend meet up'

I don’t want the friendship any more no, I have found her to be insincere and unkind. I also don’t want to make things difficult for our shard friends. If it were not for them, I would have dropped her ages ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 20:33

Shared

OP posts: