Game playing friend - how to deal with it

[Blizzard23]

I am based in a small village this is not unimportant. When we moved here twenty years ago I made good friends with ‘Belle’ and our dc were friends and we spent many Christmases, birthdays, holidays and were super close. Over the pandemic we only grew closer.

In the interim we made separate groups of friends with different circles of friends but still sharing many local friends. Somewhere along the line once the lockdowns lifted she started prioritising some newer friends and I noticed she didn’t invite me to her birthday etc any longer - I asked her about it, if something was wrong she said no, but was vague and blamed other people for messing up the guest list. Really feeble excuses regarding dinners and parties etc but she still claimed we were the best of friends and nothing had changed. It happened repeatedly.
I continued to invite her to the things I was doing for a very long time, not wishing to be petty and to avoid tit for tat. She accepted all of our invites but never returned them for years! Instead she continued to invite others. Eventually I eased off including her, assuming our friendship was cooling, and moving to a different stage. It was sad at the time ofc but just one of those things.

I have some very close friends elsewhere and have been spending more time with them in the last few years. I have accepted this particular friendship has changed, and even after we spoke about it nothing changed for the better in terms of reciprocity. I am planning a birthday party in the summer and have invited local friends and others.

I have now received an outraged message from this friend demanding to know why she isn’t invited and really kicking off. It appears she expects to have birthdays and parties and not invite me, but I am expected to continue to roll out the invites and red carpet for her…

Can someone please share with me their thoughts on this. I am stumped.

Should I have invited her?
Why is she doing this?

Update: I have just had a text from a mutual friend saying xx is a bit upset by it all and there is concern, hope everything is okay. It’s started then. Her rehashing me as the villain leaving her out!

What do I do? I wonder if she will try and influence the others to pull out

Maybe say something like “Hi, the fact is I am being sensitive to the new boundaries x has drawn over the last two (?) years because she never invites me to her gatherings and I assumed she was fading out the friendship. In the past I have invited her regardless but more recently have been responsive to her lead with regards to our connection. So I am so surprised she has reacted like this! I was just responding to her decision to reduce contact.”

Ugh she sounds toxic as fuck.

I doubt anyone asked her, she is trying to make herself seem the life of the party.

If friends can be swayed so easily they are not friends, however I think they will be swayed as most people follow the path of least resistance.
Reply to the friend stating there is no issue and you’re very sorry X is sad but you have no idea why as you told her you were keeping numbers small and suggested a catch up for a coffee. It’s going to be a rough road but be unfailingly lovely at every interaction with mutual parties.

Yes good advice thank you. Can you elaborate why it might be a rough road? So I am prepared.

The other problem is that I grew up another part of Europe and there people are very direct, perhaps too direct at times so I don’t really understand the social layers in England at times. In my country we would just ask what was wrong if we sense an atmosphere. Here everyone is nice, but elephants seem to sit in rooms and no one says anything. It’s like I need a handbook and instructions to navigate this kind of tricky interaction.

I would respond to the mutual friend saying you thought other friend no longer wanted your invitations as she hasn’t invited you to anything for years. Let mutual friend spread that around.

I'd reply to mutual friend
"Hi - no idea why Belle is saying she's sad. I was just having a small gathering for a BBQ. I've suggested to her that we meet for a coffee sometime. I genuinely thought that she was moving on from her friendship with me as she hasn't invited me to any of her recent events...actually any events since lockdown really. Anyway, probably best that if she has issues with me she would come directly to me so that we can sort them out between ourselves and not get mutual friends involved. That can make things very difficult, don't you think? Hope you're doing well and hope to see you soon".

Or something perhaps a little less wordy but along those lines 😁

Exactly this. She thought you needed her more than she needed you and now that you are indicating you don’t in fact need her, she is annoyed. Let her go, she’s not worth it.

Or shall I go with everything is fine - numbers are limited to close friends but all good with Belle. I am worried telling them how awful she has been may have the reverse effect and create more drama?

Do not buckle! She's manipulating others to try and get an invite. Stick to your guns but be polite and breezy about it, make it clear that it's no big deal to you

I think she does imagine herself to be a social catch that we all need to bow to. She does a lot of socialising and automatically assumes she will be invited to everything.

I think she is reading this situation as a snub and it isn’t.

So tell her

You are in a “drama triangle” … She is in the role as Victim, You are in the role as persecutor, and she’s casting other friends in the role as Rescuer.

I think you need to withdraw yourself from the triangle. You explained the situation (though you should just have been adult and honest), do not engage on this topic anymore.

You are an adult, it’s your party, and your decision . Step away from the game … if you don’t, the way the Drama triangle works is that you will end up moving into another role.

Stay Adult, stay honest, stay in the present .

Have you read the thread? I explained really clearly and honestly a long time and repeatedly with her directly and in person.

A very adult frank conversation happened more than once, she assured me nothing was wrong (indeed nothing had happened) but nothing at all changed. That’s her choice, but over time I have pulled back.

I agree she operates in a drama triangle. Her preference is rescuer but she can switch to persecutor effortlessly. The victim is new.
How do I step away? As much as I would like to, surely the next accusation will be that I am now ignoring her?

This. If you just put it down to your invitee preferences because YOU don't think Belle is a good enough friend in your eyes then that makes you the bad guy for cutting someone out.

Play the innocently confused card and place the blame squarely on her shoulders. You were under the impression that she didn't want to be a close friend any more seeing that she hasn't invited you to any of the numerous events she's held in the last three years. The cooled friendship has been her doing, any you're simply doing what you thought she wants.

I hope my post didn’t come across as sharp. I have tried to handle this in the best way I can, it seems she only wants the friendship to exist to feed gossip and drama and/or a source of invitations to enjoy herself/meet others.

Trying to politely extract myself with minimal fuss is being, in my view, knowingly and deliberately thwarted. She doesn’t want to invest in the friendship she has clearly demonstrated that, but she won’t let me quietly go either.

I'd reply to the second person very causally saying, oh nothing's up with Belle, just was a smaller gathering - no offence intended

People are just so odd. I would never dream of asking someone why I hadn’t been invited.

Just be bright breezy and no fuss... her true colours will show eventually.

Take a long time to reply to any texts. Don't get sucked in.

Say things like
Not my intention to upset anyone
No stress just a small thing
Yes let's meet up soon
Are you okay?

Actually that’s a good suggestion and provides a dead end. I thought of flying monkeys when her message popped up earlier. The cavalry have arrived.

I think now I am just going to stop replying to anything. Let the whole thing die off. It has made me realise just how toxic the ‘friendship’ is, and how manipulative she can be.

I think you should have replied with pp’s suggestion around you not been invited to her events so you thought you had drifted apart

Just because you say that conversation has been had it’s obviously not landing and that wording could be your default response

But you are where you are now so maybe use the she hasn’t invited you so you assumed you had drifted apart language to others. It’s non confrontational and if I heard that as an outside party I would think fair enough

aawwww xx didn't get a party invite - how old is she? six?

reply to mutual friend saying nothing, you & xx are good friends & you've just asked xx to meet for coffee, you don't know what she's talking about. do not even vaguely badmouth xx at all, as it plays into xx's manipulative "blizzard upset me" nonsense and before you know it xx will have worked others into a lather & they'll all have their knives out.

By being vaguely pleasant and sidestepping her you've done something queen bee xx cannot handle, you've treated her as a social equal, said no without saying no and avoided confrontation, starving a potential mini-drama nothingburger of oxygen. How dare you 😁. She could have behaved like an adult & replied agreeing to meet for coffee but instead she's ramped it up & turned it into a battle of wills, playing victim and sending someone else in to bat for her.

Leave her to it and just keep on doing nothing to react apart from being pleasant but vaguely baffled and still don't invite her.

There is a wider issue about how much access to your life you've given xx to make her think its ok to march all over you like this, but for now keep calm and BBQ.

Such an interesting post, they all are, thank you 🙏🏻
Can you say more about the access element? I don’t want to make the same mistake again. I am aware I can be too open and easy going at times, but I have been putting in boundaries in place subtly for some time now with her. I have really pulled back, it’s only the bbq that seems to have kicked things off.

I’d have replied ‘no idea, she stopped inviting me to her birthdays years ago. I admit I was hurt but decided to be the bigger person and kept inviting her, but this year I’ve decided to just accept that we don’t have the friendship we used to. So why she’s upset is a mystery, I’d have thought this is what she wanted! 🤷‍♀️’

I have just sent a reply - hope it’s okay

’I have limits on the numbers for the bbq sadly and haven’t seen xx for ages. I have invited mainly close friends this time and we are super excited to see everyone in a few weeks’