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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Game playing friend - how to deal with it

235 replies

Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 18:32

I am based in a small village this is not unimportant. When we moved here twenty years ago I made good friends with ‘Belle’ and our dc were friends and we spent many Christmases, birthdays, holidays and were super close. Over the pandemic we only grew closer.

In the interim we made separate groups of friends with different circles of friends but still sharing many local friends. Somewhere along the line once the lockdowns lifted she started prioritising some newer friends and I noticed she didn’t invite me to her birthday etc any longer - I asked her about it, if something was wrong she said no, but was vague and blamed other people for messing up the guest list. Really feeble excuses regarding dinners and parties etc but she still claimed we were the best of friends and nothing had changed. It happened repeatedly.
I continued to invite her to the things I was doing for a very long time, not wishing to be petty and to avoid tit for tat. She accepted all of our invites but never returned them for years! Instead she continued to invite others. Eventually I eased off including her, assuming our friendship was cooling, and moving to a different stage. It was sad at the time ofc but just one of those things.

I have some very close friends elsewhere and have been spending more time with them in the last few years. I have accepted this particular friendship has changed, and even after we spoke about it nothing changed for the better in terms of reciprocity. I am planning a birthday party in the summer and have invited local friends and others.

I have now received an outraged message from this friend demanding to know why she isn’t invited and really kicking off. It appears she expects to have birthdays and parties and not invite me, but I am expected to continue to roll out the invites and red carpet for her…

Can someone please share with me their thoughts on this. I am stumped.

Should I have invited her?
Why is she doing this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Blizzard23 · 23/04/2023 12:23

Aaahhh feels painful. I hate this kind of stuff!

OP posts:
StaunchMomma · 23/04/2023 12:56

I'd be tempted to play it down, something like 'It's really not that deep. It's just a little celebration with the usual crowd. You don't have to invite me to everything, nor do I feel the need to do the same. Really no need to take offence.'

Whatever you do, do not offer her the chance to come! That's what she's really after, and she will come if you ask because she's decided it's something she needs to attend.

I think she is absolutely likely to show the text exchanges so keep it light and polite and if she's that desperate to come then make her literally ask for it, because those receipts work both ways!

CaroleSinger · 23/04/2023 13:02

Blizzard23 · 23/04/2023 10:32

Update: I have just had a text from a mutual friend saying xx is a bit upset by it all and there is concern, hope everything is okay. It’s started then. Her rehashing me as the villain leaving her out!

What do I do? I wonder if she will try and influence the others to pull out

You reply to that friend with exactly what you e said on here. Just lay it out. She stopped inviting you to things so long ago that you thought she had moved on. Let her paint you as the villain. Just keep telling your truth. You need to nip this in the bud and not faff about.

purpleme12 · 23/04/2023 13:05

I think we've gathered OP doesn't want to tell friend what she's put on here anymore 🤣

Xarrie · 23/04/2023 13:06

Blizzard23 · 23/04/2023 12:22

I have just sent a reply - hope it’s okay

’I have limits on the numbers for the bbq sadly and haven’t seen xx for ages. I have invited mainly close friends this time and we are super excited to see everyone in a few weeks’

I would t have sent this. It sounds like there's a reason

I would have just said oh don't worry, she's okay, I've messaged and we're having coffee soon. This is only a small gathering.

BellaJuno · 23/04/2023 13:12

If you get any more messages about this from friends, just shut it down and reply with “It’s probably best I speak directly to xx about this to prevent any further misunderstandings, hope to see you soon / look forward to seeing you at the bbq” etc.

GasPanic · 23/04/2023 13:17

Typical group power play.

She obviously enjoys her perceived high status amongst the local social scene. Her not inviting you to her events is a power play. It demonstrates that she is one of the big players on the scene, and she can invite who she wants to her events and ignore others, while because she is seen as one of the big players in town everyone has to and wants to invite her to theirs.

Your non invitation is a direct threat to her status. You're basically saying, your not important enough to be able to get away with that power play, and I don't care about inviting you because you are not one of the big players that everyone must invite.

You're threatening her status at the head of the local social scene and challenging her directly. There isn't really any other way she will interpret this.

There are only really two choices, one is to roll over, which is exactly what she wants. The other is to just ignore her, which will deepen the threat and make her act aggressively to counter it.

My guess is she will prosecute the slight aggressively, because once one person shows that she is not high status, everyone else could follow, leaving her no longer with the high status image that is important to her. So if you do decide to fight you may need to be in for the long haul.

Read a few books on chimpanzee behaviour. It will tell you everything about human peer group bonding you need to know. The ejection of one friend from a peer group to cement a leader at the head of the group and to bond the group together more strongly as a result of the ejection is a very common theme on here.

Phgty · 23/04/2023 13:24

I'd have replied to the mutual friend with:

"Oh no, is Belle okay? I've asked her to meet for a coffee, hopefully we can chat then - with the BBQ, to be honest, I had such limited numbers but no offence meant at all, bless her!"

Just play it down. Throw no bombs!

Rogue1001MNer · 23/04/2023 13:35

AtrociousCircumstance · 23/04/2023 10:43

Maybe say something like “Hi, the fact is I am being sensitive to the new boundaries x has drawn over the last two (?) years because she never invites me to her gatherings and I assumed she was fading out the friendship. In the past I have invited her regardless but more recently have been responsive to her lead with regards to our connection. So I am so surprised she has reacted like this! I was just responding to her decision to reduce contact.”

Ugh she sounds toxic as fuck.

Very good, although slightly long

Jackiewoo · 23/04/2023 14:01

the access oh my days I could write a book 😁. From your posts you sound like an open, friendly 'everyone is included' sort of person, what you see is what you get. For you, friends are precisely that, you don't have an agenda, make friends easily and are trusting and loyal. The trouble with this is that you might lack judgement about who your genuine friends are or healthy boundaries about how you allow yourself to be treated (and how much you give of yourself to others) and you struggle to understand people who are more transactional with their friendships. They're not bad or toxic people necessarily but they only want you around if you can do something for them (eg. a party invite, access to a particular social circle, or because your DC are friends at school, or because you work somewhere they want discount from, take your pick). They’re just being them but it can leave you feeling confused, because you’re picked up when wanted but otherwise forgotten about, discarded and left feeling used. Which is what xx has done. Then there’s the clique and queen bee thing, which is another level of pain in the arse. Or I may be misreading your posts, in which case tell me to STFU.

If it helps at all xx isn't deliberately trying to cause trouble for you, that is just an unfortunate byproduct of her blinkered priorities for herself, and not about you at all.

billy1966 · 23/04/2023 14:06

OP,

She is utterly toxic.

Be as vague and non committal as possible and expect your texts to be passed around, so keep them super light.

Stress that it is a small group for closest friends.

I would be wary of the person who stuck her nose in.
Sounds more nosey than a heads up.

Whatever you do, do NOT invite her.

If anyone asks you about a falling out, act super confused and deny it with a smile🤷🏻‍♀️.

She thought you would remain a doormat and is outraged that you have put in boundaries finally.

Resist the urge to bitch about her, better to be breazy and confused about what her problem is.

Gcsunnyside23 · 23/04/2023 14:41

Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 21:12

I am worried she is going to gossip that I am being the uncharitable and unreasonable one, and play the victim. I feel like I am handing her a good reason to be even worse.

I come from a small village and I would definitely go with keep it factual and clear. Don't be snarky and don't ghost her as she sounds like she would use it against you. Then if anything is said you can literally show them the messages. If anything I would get ahead of it and mention it to your mutual friends as in how strange she messaged you for an invite

Original poster
Blizzard23 · 23/04/2023 15:24

Jackiewoo · 23/04/2023 14:01

the access oh my days I could write a book 😁. From your posts you sound like an open, friendly 'everyone is included' sort of person, what you see is what you get. For you, friends are precisely that, you don't have an agenda, make friends easily and are trusting and loyal. The trouble with this is that you might lack judgement about who your genuine friends are or healthy boundaries about how you allow yourself to be treated (and how much you give of yourself to others) and you struggle to understand people who are more transactional with their friendships. They're not bad or toxic people necessarily but they only want you around if you can do something for them (eg. a party invite, access to a particular social circle, or because your DC are friends at school, or because you work somewhere they want discount from, take your pick). They’re just being them but it can leave you feeling confused, because you’re picked up when wanted but otherwise forgotten about, discarded and left feeling used. Which is what xx has done. Then there’s the clique and queen bee thing, which is another level of pain in the arse. Or I may be misreading your posts, in which case tell me to STFU.

If it helps at all xx isn't deliberately trying to cause trouble for you, that is just an unfortunate byproduct of her blinkered priorities for herself, and not about you at all.

It’s like you know me inside out, that is precisely what I am like! Love having everyone together, no agendas or strategies just like people just for being themselves. I know some people are more transactional but I am kind of accepting of that too unless they are rude or dishonest with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blizzard23 · 23/04/2023 15:27

I do have boundaries but will do whatever I can for anyone within reason is my default, so yes probably not able to easily spot the sharks until it is too late. I have no idea how to address that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blizzard23 · 23/04/2023 15:31

GasPanic · 23/04/2023 13:17

Typical group power play.

She obviously enjoys her perceived high status amongst the local social scene. Her not inviting you to her events is a power play. It demonstrates that she is one of the big players on the scene, and she can invite who she wants to her events and ignore others, while because she is seen as one of the big players in town everyone has to and wants to invite her to theirs.

Your non invitation is a direct threat to her status. You're basically saying, your not important enough to be able to get away with that power play, and I don't care about inviting you because you are not one of the big players that everyone must invite.

You're threatening her status at the head of the local social scene and challenging her directly. There isn't really any other way she will interpret this.

There are only really two choices, one is to roll over, which is exactly what she wants. The other is to just ignore her, which will deepen the threat and make her act aggressively to counter it.

My guess is she will prosecute the slight aggressively, because once one person shows that she is not high status, everyone else could follow, leaving her no longer with the high status image that is important to her. So if you do decide to fight you may need to be in for the long haul.

Read a few books on chimpanzee behaviour. It will tell you everything about human peer group bonding you need to know. The ejection of one friend from a peer group to cement a leader at the head of the group and to bond the group together more strongly as a result of the ejection is a very common theme on here.

Fascinating post. Really so interesting. Luckily I do have multiple groups of friends so my social life doesn’t hang on her participation. Even so, her extreme reaction makes me think you have hit the nail on the head, she definitely seems very threatened. I am not meaning to challenge her, I am just sick of her behaviour but maybe it’s the same thing.

OP posts:
girlfriend44 · 23/04/2023 15:32

Once it gets like this, the friendship is over, the mere fact that game playing started says it all.

If you were good friends then there wouldn't have been a problem.

Original poster
Blizzard23 · 23/04/2023 15:34

Thank you to everyone for posting - this thread is really enlightening.

Those enjoying friendships without an agenda, is that a massive disadvantage? I always thought sincerity and authenticity was a good thing? But not if we are simply used as roadkilll. This thread has made me consider all of my friendships more closely.

OP posts:
Gcsunnyside23 · 23/04/2023 16:15

Blizzard23 · 23/04/2023 15:34

Thank you to everyone for posting - this thread is really enlightening.

Those enjoying friendships without an agenda, is that a massive disadvantage? I always thought sincerity and authenticity was a good thing? But not if we are simply used as roadkilll. This thread has made me consider all of my friendships more closely.

Has the nutty friend or mutual friend replied to you yet?

Jackiewoo · 23/04/2023 18:25

how to address boundaries I'm still working on it TBH 😁. I've taken a kicking in the friendship any number of times because when you give you are bound to attract a few who only know how to take and so you learn and adjust.

Friendships without agenda are definitely not a disadvantage. People aren't stupid, if you see xx for what she is the chances are that others can too even if they don't say it. Do not change yourself for a dud like xx.

Original poster
Blizzard23 · 23/04/2023 19:44

Gcsunnyside23 · 23/04/2023 16:15

Has the nutty friend or mutual friend replied to you yet?

Show quote history

I am not replying to nutty friend I’m just going to leave it. Mutual friend has replied and said Nutty is ‘terribly upset’ and it’s such a shame there isn’t room for them. I am not going to respond, and aware she may not be a friend I will be desperate to see in the future.

Just waiting for Nutty to organise a counter BBQ and invite the same people. It’s been done before.

OP posts:
ejbaxa · 23/04/2023 20:15

I agree you need to be careful re mutual friend. She seems to be a bit of a prodder - she should have left you alone after the first message, but the fact she's sent another just means that she is to be avoided.

billy1966 · 23/04/2023 22:31

Mutual friend is equally toxic so not engaging with her further is wise too.

Stick to the narrative of it being a small gathering and that you can't see why it has drawn such a reaction.

billy1966 · 23/04/2023 22:32

Mutual and nutty are clearly in close contact so ignoring both is best.

Jellifulfruit · 23/04/2023 23:02

Mutual and nutty May have done you a favour. Fucking off together = the trash taking itself out 🤣

QueenMegan · 23/04/2023 23:23

Fuck me I'd have a nervous breakdown in your village.
Bollix to her she sounds poison.
If people want to gossip let them.