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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Game playing friend - how to deal with it

235 replies

Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 18:32

I am based in a small village this is not unimportant. When we moved here twenty years ago I made good friends with ‘Belle’ and our dc were friends and we spent many Christmases, birthdays, holidays and were super close. Over the pandemic we only grew closer.

In the interim we made separate groups of friends with different circles of friends but still sharing many local friends. Somewhere along the line once the lockdowns lifted she started prioritising some newer friends and I noticed she didn’t invite me to her birthday etc any longer - I asked her about it, if something was wrong she said no, but was vague and blamed other people for messing up the guest list. Really feeble excuses regarding dinners and parties etc but she still claimed we were the best of friends and nothing had changed. It happened repeatedly.
I continued to invite her to the things I was doing for a very long time, not wishing to be petty and to avoid tit for tat. She accepted all of our invites but never returned them for years! Instead she continued to invite others. Eventually I eased off including her, assuming our friendship was cooling, and moving to a different stage. It was sad at the time ofc but just one of those things.

I have some very close friends elsewhere and have been spending more time with them in the last few years. I have accepted this particular friendship has changed, and even after we spoke about it nothing changed for the better in terms of reciprocity. I am planning a birthday party in the summer and have invited local friends and others.

I have now received an outraged message from this friend demanding to know why she isn’t invited and really kicking off. It appears she expects to have birthdays and parties and not invite me, but I am expected to continue to roll out the invites and red carpet for her…

Can someone please share with me their thoughts on this. I am stumped.

Should I have invited her?
Why is she doing this?

OP posts:
LittleMG · 22/04/2023 20:36

OP I think u need to address what she’s done. The friendship won’t be the same now anyway, don’t do what she’s done with limp excuses, tell her that she’s not reciprocating the friendship and you feel used!! Do it she deserves it!

RampantIvy · 22/04/2023 20:39

Stellaroses · 22/04/2023 19:20

“When you didn’t invite me to xyz, I assumed you wanted to cool off the friendship, and I have respected that.”

This ^^ is by far the best and least confrontational reply. I would say this.

Original poster
Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 20:40

If it really fractures it’s a very small village! I want to tell her what I really think, but I know it will blow up and become a huge drama

OP posts:
Peterpiperpickedapeckof · 22/04/2023 20:40

I hate it when people change the goal posts of a friendship. In this case, as she is confrontational, you need to confront back. Say what you’ve said here.

I had something similar recently and I didn’t confront, which is why I’m urging you to!

Original poster
Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 20:41

Peterpiperpickedapeckof · 22/04/2023 20:40

I hate it when people change the goal posts of a friendship. In this case, as she is confrontational, you need to confront back. Say what you’ve said here.

I had something similar recently and I didn’t confront, which is why I’m urging you to!

What happened? If you don’t mind sharing.

OP posts:
HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 22/04/2023 20:44

Maybe just say you thought she wouldn't have wanted to come as she hadn't invited you to anything recently but if she wants to come then ok -- get the point across but hopefully not fraude a big blow up

HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 22/04/2023 20:44

*cause

BigCheeseSandwich · 22/04/2023 20:49

I think just reply politely and neutrally.

Hey, sorry you’re upset - I just felt since we haven’t been to any of your events for a few years we’d drifted a bit. Hope you’re doing okay, catch you for coffee sometime?

Original poster
Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 20:50

BigCheeseSandwich · 22/04/2023 20:49

I think just reply politely and neutrally.

Hey, sorry you’re upset - I just felt since we haven’t been to any of your events for a few years we’d drifted a bit. Hope you’re doing okay, catch you for coffee sometime?

Yes that’s a good idea. Not closing her down unkindly but acknowledging the truth.

OP posts:
RichardsGear · 22/04/2023 20:50

Don't roll over and invite her, even if it is grudgingly. She is already being talked about, people can see what she is like so it might only be a matter of time before others have had enough too. Is she just going to ride roughshed over everyone and nobody will say anything for fear of causing wider upset? You've said yourself you don't enjoy meeting in a group when she's there, so don't. Arrange your own stuff and be picky about which invitations you accept.

Peterpiperpickedapeckof · 22/04/2023 20:50

Oh mine was a case of being dropped by a dear old friend and then when she wanted to pick me up again, 10 years later, I did confront, it all went quiet, and then another decade on an absolute rant at me for letting her down. Very confusing.

the less I reacted, the stronger she felt she could make her case. She’s a bit unhinged but I think bullies do need standing up to

BMW6 · 22/04/2023 20:53

Well you have a bit of a dilemma OP.

Either you stand up for yourself, quite rightly as she has been bloody horrible, and ride the fallout with your head held high, or you cringe like a whipped dog, invite her and apologise for your oversight, and put up with whatever shitty behaviour she dishes out in future. Because she thinks she owns you.

Your call.

DrManhattan · 22/04/2023 20:54

Block her. She will be screwing

TheCreamTeaWasFromMe · 22/04/2023 20:57

Just be honest. And keep it short.

I didn't include you, as you haven't invited me to any of your birthdays - or any other events - for a few years now.

Emmamoo89 · 22/04/2023 21:03

I wouldn't respond x

Original poster
Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 21:10

Peterpiperpickedapeckof · 22/04/2023 20:50

Oh mine was a case of being dropped by a dear old friend and then when she wanted to pick me up again, 10 years later, I did confront, it all went quiet, and then another decade on an absolute rant at me for letting her down. Very confusing.

the less I reacted, the stronger she felt she could make her case. She’s a bit unhinged but I think bullies do need standing up to

That is unhinged behaviour- you dodged a bullet with that one 💐

OP posts:
Original poster
Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 21:12

I am worried she is going to gossip that I am being the uncharitable and unreasonable one, and play the victim. I feel like I am handing her a good reason to be even worse.

OP posts:
mainsfed · 22/04/2023 21:14

Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 21:12

I am worried she is going to gossip that I am being the uncharitable and unreasonable one, and play the victim. I feel like I am handing her a good reason to be even worse.

No one is going to blame you for cutting loose someone who has excluded you for 4 years. Nobody.

purpleme12 · 22/04/2023 21:17

Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 21:12

I am worried she is going to gossip that I am being the uncharitable and unreasonable one, and play the victim. I feel like I am handing her a good reason to be even worse.

But this is exactly why I'd reply with why you've done it. Doesn't even have to be confrontational (if you don't want it to be) you can keep it factual.
No you can't control what she'll say after but at the very least I would reply to her with why.

HalebiHabibti · 22/04/2023 21:18

Hey, sorry you’re upset - I just felt since we haven’t been to any of your events for a few years we’d drifted a bit. Hope you’re doing okay, catch you for coffee sometime?

Agree this is a good message and even if she shows it to people angrily, it doesn't make you sound at all unreasonable.

Original poster
Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 21:24

I have no doubt she will show my msgs to others. It might be linked but her dc have moved out, her life has shrunk and she isn’t the vibrant person she used to be, she has become bitter and strategic over the years. I have no idea why. She feeds on drama these days and I can do without it.

OP posts:
Smineusername · 22/04/2023 21:34

Does she like going to your house because of another guest?

Original poster
Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 21:37

Smineusername · 22/04/2023 21:34

Does she like going to your house because of another guest?

Good question. Maybe the opportunities it presents to meet interesting people possibly. I feel I have misjudged her, and trusted her, and she is not what she seems.

OP posts:
Suspific · 22/04/2023 21:37

BigCheeseSandwich · 22/04/2023 20:49

I think just reply politely and neutrally.

Hey, sorry you’re upset - I just felt since we haven’t been to any of your events for a few years we’d drifted a bit. Hope you’re doing okay, catch you for coffee sometime?

I really like this too. It's acknowledging you've noticed her events have taken place without an invite for you and blaming drifting apart for it rather than her. It's non confrontational and there's no outrage response to it which would mean she would show it to others to get shock value out of it.

Original poster
Blizzard23 · 22/04/2023 21:40

Suspific · 22/04/2023 21:37

I really like this too. It's acknowledging you've noticed her events have taken place without an invite for you and blaming drifting apart for it rather than her. It's non confrontational and there's no outrage response to it which would mean she would show it to others to get shock value out of it.

Show quote history

Yes exactly, I am concerned about the shock value currency. Also feeling exasperated with her in equal measure. The bloody cheek of her faux outage 😡

OP posts: