Best friends didn’t turn up to ‘surprise’ birthday celebrations

[user1488481370]

In a nutshell Ive recently had a big birthday.
My sister in law organised a ‘surprise’ birthday afternoon tea for me last weekend. I knew something was going on but wasn’t sure what we were doing, where we were going or who with.
I turned up with my mum to a room
with 1 of my friends, SIL’s mum, my auntie and 2 of SIL’s friends. 3 of the people who I consider to be my best friends never even turned up. Made bull shit excuses to SIL and never put the effort in.

I feel so guilty for feeling the way that I do. SIL has put so much effort in and it was lovely to see the people who were there. But I just can’t help but feel heartbroken. I got home and burst into tears. I was trying to bull shit myself saying that it was maybe money and not being able to afford it but I know deep down that won’t be the case.

I don’t know how to approach this, whether to approach it at all. I don’t think I can be the same with them now. I’m so fucking upset and low right now.

I have known people who organise an event go into bull in a china shop mode where they dictate what is going to happen and who will attend and do certain things

No way I am saying she is like that but unless you know how it all happened with the organising I wouldn't judge

Don't cross oceans for people who wouldn't jump in a puddle for you.
Wise advice, I saw it on Mumsnet.

Also

If people show you who they are, believe them.

And they have.

I totally agree with this. Anyone with a genuine interest in their friends/best friends, would endeavour to spend time with them when invited. Especially to celebrate something with them. Bingo can wait? It’s not going anywhere. But this celebration was special/one-off. God knows what your friend (who didn’t even reply) was thinking. At least be honest and say you can’t go, it’s really rude. I’d absolutely be pissed off by this, so I completely understand you. I feel like you won’t fully feel 100% unless you actually confront them casually

I say this as someone who (as I’ve got older and more introverted) hates feeling obligated to go to events such as hen dos, birthdays, nights out etc and I usually always stick up for people that don’t want to go to such things on MN:

Your “friends” are total cunts. You have every right to feel upset. I’d be devastated if my friends treated me like this.

Im so sorry OP. Bin them off. 💐

Please do not ask them about it. Silence from you is powerful - as above posters have said, they have showed you who they are, please listen.
Become unavailable - they will know why. If they contact you and apologise then you can talk about it. If you hear nothing, then you have your answer. I imagine they will start texting as normal and completely ignore that you had a party.
Strong boundaries. You sound lovely and you deserve better - you just need to believe that.
It sounds like your husband has the measure of them.

Your closest friend went to bingo??
I had to reread that part!
Its not just that they didn’t come, but the utter contempt they have shown for you!

I would be raging and the friendship would be over. Dead and buried.

On the positive side your husband sounds very kind and caring and has your back. You have a gorgeous SIL that wanted you to feel special and family that love and care for you.

Life is so limited. It is fragile. Our time on this planet is extremely valuable. Following your update I would simply send this:

Thank you sincerely for showing me who you are

And I would block them all and not look back.

New friends will eventually take their place and this time you can be very disciplined about your choice, don’t be afraid to test their loyalty- don’t give away your love and time to people that do not deserve you.

It is their entirely their loss. Take SIL out for a drink or dinner and plan a summer of fun without those CFs.

Totally agree.

I have attended birthday celebrations for friends doing things that I wouldn't normally choose to do because I love them and want to celebrate with them. I have learnt over the years that there are some people who don't reciprocate and I have adjusted my expectations (and efforts if need be) with them.

The excuses sound lame to be honest. Going to bingo with their DH?! Surely they can do that any time. People can choose their own priorities of course but it's exactly that and showing whereabouts as a friend you fit into those!

Happy birthday OP 💐 they are sad excuses for friends and you deserve better.

Only read page 1 but finding it odd that people are making excuses for the friends. There are very, very few events in the world that would be important enough to make me miss my best friends birthday. Maybe my own wedding, the birth of my own child, or something absolutely essential for work (and even that I’d try and move!). Other than that, I’d be there. Wouldn’t dream of missing it!

I suppose each of them had their own reasons (even if not good) just thought “oh well the others will go” and didn’t think about the cumulative affect of them all not being there.

People often don’t like to be the one left “holding the baby” of having to go to an event that is low on numbers too.

I don’t think your being unreasonable though, to be clear

So many people making excuses for these shit friends, so many people obviously have the bar set very very low when it comes to friendships, yes they had months of notice and no it wouldn't cost anything.
To actually go to the bingo instead of a celebration for your best friend is so poor.

Why don’t you just send them both a message saying you’re disappointed they were not able to turn ip especially given the notice and the fact that it was all paid for. Would have been nice for them to come and celebrate a special birthday of yours just like you have been with them for special occasions.

So many people making excuses for these shit friends, so many people obviously have the bar set very very low when it comes to friendships

I suspect it's more that the people making excuses are similar to the shit friends and feel entitled to be that way, and are incenced at the implied critisism.

I never make a fuss for birthdays, it’s the first time anyone has ever bothered to plan anything special like this for me, I’m not used to having all attention on me and was a bit worried about it but thought if my closest friends were there it would be easier and flow a bit more freely.

Is it possible that since you never make a fuss, not used to having all the attention on you, and it was your SIL planning this surprise party that they presumed it was something you didn’t actually want?

Why do women make such a fuss about birthdays? I don’t know of any men who do.
I’ve barely even acknowledged my birthday since I was 21 as I no longer saw the point. I was 48 on Friday and I went to my friends funeral I didn’t even mention that I’d been born 48 years before.
I just think yeah so what I was born, who hasn’t been.
Frankly like Christmas it bores me. I make an effort to mark my children’s birthdays because it’s important to them but once you’ve grown up you should grow out of it in my opinion. I did.
After all if you expect everyone to mark every occasion then somewhere along the line you’re going to be disappointed aren’t you OP.

I would still go but would be wondering if it was really what you wanted and/or planned a separate outing to celebrate.

I was about to post exactly this.

On the face of it it sounds as though your friends are shit. But I wouldn't go to a surprise party arranged for someone I thought would hate a surprise party (including my husband!). So maybe ask your friends why they weren't there first and see what they say.

If this is the reason they'll be really upset to have hurt you and probably try to arrange something else. If they are defensive or flippant about their other plans I'd probably rethink the friendships. But don't do this without getting their perspective first

Your a bank friend op, a friend when it suits them/need numbers or a shoulder to cry on.

All they had to do was turn up for a low cost evening. 1 went out anyway, 1 completely ignored you and the other said she was ill. They do not value you.

It's shit and I'm sorry you had to go through this.

Actually I'm a very good friend and I'd have gone to this sort of event, whether I wanted to or not, unless there was a significant reason not to.
I also know what it's like to have a child is a long-term chronic unpredictable illness that leads to last minute cancellations and what it's like to lose friends because of that, so I give people a fair amount of benefit of the doubt. I know that probably isn't the OP's friends specific situation. I have just learned to not analyze these things too much unless there's a pattern that there isn't a good reason for. I'm very loyal but also very easygoing as a friend because life isn't straight forward for many of us.

It’s irrelevant that you do not celebrate birthdays or see the point, the fact is if it’s important to a friend, regardless of what it is, you make the effort. It communicates that you care and value them.

Birthdays are a lovely way to make time for people in the hectic scrum of life. Not to feel ‘special’ necessarily but nothing wrong if you do, but to make the time to tell people they are important to you once a year, it is not hard nor taxing.

The only way I'd not be upset is if the 3 friends actually had made separate plans to have a meet up anyway with you around the sane time, so no point doing it twice?

Else it seems like this party was a low effort way for them to celebrate with you so they should make the effort (if nothing else planned by them and you)

Rise above it op. When people show you who they are, believe them the first time. Find new friends. I'm sorry, something similar happened to me on my 40th birthday.. I still feel hurt to be honest, I'm careful about friendship as a result & always try to behave as a friend I would like to have. It's life. 💐

I don't think i would confront them

Just leave it but take a step away. They maybe planning something else?

Hsve you been to their birthdays?

If they haven't shown interest in your milestone birthday generally then I think you know that it wasn't your SIL's organisational skills that were lacking.

Of course it could be that they all have something very serious but that needs to be kept private going on in their lives, but for 3 people to be affected like that in one friendship group would be really unlikely.

So if you've ruled out poor organisation and personal issues then sadly it may be a case that these friends were more important to you than you are to them.