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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want privacy in my own back garden?

152 replies

OhFFSthisAgain · 22/04/2023 14:40

The issue is we have gappy old shared 4 foot fence inbetween us and the neighbours. It is right a long so there isn't one place I can go in the garden where I'm not seen. They have a huge garden (bigger than ours so they have the option to sit further away, but they choose to sit right next to us) and literally against the fence; they seem very comfortable there. They are always out pottering around. They're a big family and out alot of the time.
I want to get a new 6 foot fence to give us privacy, this will improve my happiness so much, and mean I will use the garden more.
I was going to ask the neighbours if we can replace the fence as it is very old, we will pay etc, if they're unhappy with this i will put the new fence in front of it.

Dh who is a known people pleaser is so concerned about "what will they think," "it is awkward", "we're blocking them off" " what if they're funny about it, blocking their light" etc. He is making every excuse in the book not to do it. He won't even let me put privacy screening up the same height as the dam fence!

I am becoming increasingly annoyed by dh's attitude. He would rather please the neighbours, and avoid conflict when he never speaks to them. I actually don't think they'll even be bothered in the first place! He knows the privacy would make a huge difference to my mental health. I will enjoy the garden, it will be a sanctuary for me. At the moment I feel I'm in a goldfish bowl, and don't use it as often when they're all out, and it is just me on my own.

Dh is starting to get annoyed by me "going on about it all of the time!"

Am I really being so unreasonable?

OP posts:
Littlebluebellwoods · 22/04/2023 14:44

No of course you’re not; just let your neighbours know and get it done. He’s being daft.

NuffSaidSam · 22/04/2023 14:45

YANBU

Is your DH a peeping Tom? Maybe tell him that's what the neighbours probably think. He'll have the fence up tomorrow.

I would it put infront of their fence though so it's clear that it's your fence and they can't interfere with it in any way.

8misskitty8 · 22/04/2023 14:47

I did that in our garden. Fence at the end was all rotting and about 3/4 feet high. Belonged to the neighbour. Man living there could look over it as his garden slopes up to it.
I put a 6 foot fence up just inside our garden to block him out.

sleepyscientist · 22/04/2023 14:49

Could you add batten between the slats to make it solid? That's what we have done with ours

UsernameNotAvailableNow · 22/04/2023 14:50

I would have put that fence up as soon as I moved in, could not be doing with 4ft fences!

Original poster
OhFFSthisAgain · 22/04/2023 14:50

Yes exactly, I even told dh if the neighbours have an issue with any of it, that says more about them, so why do they need to see in our garden. He gets annoyed and says "I just have issue with neighbours" because of conflict his parents had with neighbours, and how he is "affected by it." I feel if he has his way it'll never be private. I just wish he wouldn't be so passive, and scared.

OP posts:
Original poster
OhFFSthisAgain · 22/04/2023 14:52

I also tried to put a privacy screen on one small patio part, and he complained it was above the fence by half a foot! He said "you can't put it like that" it won't go" etc etc.

OP posts:
Botw1 · 22/04/2023 14:53

Why do you need your dhs permission?

Just do it.

Original poster
OhFFSthisAgain · 22/04/2023 14:53

I also don't understand why the neighbours don't do anything to create privacy; they really don't care. They are so different to me, I feel so awkward hanging washing directly facing them all when they sit 1 foot away!

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 22/04/2023 14:54

We’ve always had the highest fencing you are allowed which I think is just over 6’ around the entire garden , I would hate to live with a 4 or 5’ fence

Original poster
OhFFSthisAgain · 22/04/2023 14:55

I wish i could, I need help to put screening up, also new fences are a lot of money so it needs to be joint. I have suggested screening for now, he is procrastinating and just not being proactive whatsoever.

OP posts:
Original poster
OhFFSthisAgain · 22/04/2023 14:56

He also needs to block the gate off as people can see in that from the front street. A lady literally commented how she could see my son playing in the garden!

OP posts:
Original poster
OhFFSthisAgain · 22/04/2023 14:58

Also do we need to do this when the neighbours are out, as dh has said we can't when they're there? With it being a shared fence I thought we could put what ever we want on our side.

OP posts:
MyMachineAndMe · 22/04/2023 15:01

As long as they're not actually gawping at you, does it really matter that they're there? There are gaps in our fences and we share a front garden with our neighbours. No-one is bothered about what the neighbours are doing enough for it to feel as though we're not private.

Screen off a bit of your garden rather than the whole of it as a compromise maybe, or get a summerhouse type thing?

Cyberworrier · 22/04/2023 15:01

I completely sympathise with your wish for privacy but think the most diplomatic way to go about it would be to inform the neighbours what you are doing. I would think it’s a bit impolite if there was suddenly a change and I hadn’t been told, even if it’s on your side of the fence. I’d send a note or just say to them you’re putting up screening/trellis and planting some climbers on your side of the fence and you thought you’d let them know 🤷‍♀️

randomer123 · 22/04/2023 15:13

There was a 4ft fence between us and the neighbour, I felt like you, as if I was being observed whenever I was out there (even though I probably wasn't) - I hated it. They often (but always) initiated chats over the fence and it was a bit awkward if I was out there and didn't feel like it.

One day we came home and the neighbour (it was their fence) had replaced it with 6ft panels. No advance warning. For about 60 seconds I felt mildly offended as they'd not said anything but then realised actually it was great that they'd done it - the difference is huge.

I'd definitely tell them before you're going to do it to avoid any offence. I don't think there's any need to explain but there are plenty of reasons to justify it if you want to eg, want to grow climbers, stop balls going over, provide a bit of shade etc, to stop our kid getting distracted...

Titusgroan · 22/04/2023 15:17

We had a similar situation with a house we were doing up to sell.
This was a low level wire fence.
Neighbours liked it as they grew veggies and needed the sun coming through.

Fare enough
But the neighbour was incredibly rude. Told dh off for watering the garden as some water hit her tomatoes. Planted against our wire fence.

We also couldn't sit outside whilst taking a break from work or even to do the garden as they seemed to live outside.

So after they shouted at dh over watering we got the builders in. Asked neighbours to move anything precious away from the fence and erected a 6ft fence.

Job done.
Put up a fence
Your dh is being ridiculous.

Titusgroan · 22/04/2023 15:19

OhFFSthisAgain · 22/04/2023 14:58

Also do we need to do this when the neighbours are out, as dh has said we can't when they're there? With it being a shared fence I thought we could put what ever we want on our side.

You can put whatever you want on your side.
Tell them before in case they have wide rooting plants, as a curtesy.

Botw1 · 22/04/2023 15:20

I wouldnt care if it was joint.

He will just keep procrastinating and putting you off because he thinks his opinion is more important than yours

Pixiedust1234 · 22/04/2023 15:20

It sounds like your husband is being tight and doesn't want to pay and making every excuse under the sun to stop you.

Does he normally stop you buying things he doesn't agree with or just garden things?

DRS1970 · 22/04/2023 15:21

Depends if it is your fence or theirs. If it is yours there is little they could do about it. If you were concerned about push back from the neighbours, just check there is not a height restriction in place before you speak to them. Your local council planning would confirm that for you.

Cherrysoup · 22/04/2023 15:22

Best thing we did, replaced old low wire council fence with a 6ft solid fence. Otherwise we’d have been obliged to interact with the neighbours constantly, plus obviously the dogs would have been in next door’s garden constantly. Do it. I think your Dh is being a bit silly.

MrsRinaDecker · 22/04/2023 15:22

Could you go for trellis and climbing plants? That also gives the impression of a gardening decision and nothing personal to them. (Not that it should offend anyone that you want your privacy anyway!)

ThatFraggle · 22/04/2023 15:23

Bamboo in planters.

MoonARisingHigh · 22/04/2023 15:23

6ft fences are normal, the low level ones remind me of 1970s estates. FIL was most put out when a neighbour down the road put up a 6ft fence as the original 3ft fences afforded everyone extended views over everyone else's gardens due to the slope of the road! Made me and Dh laugh loads.

Either talk to them about replacing the fence and tell them you want a 6ft one. If they don't agree to that explain you will therefore put up a 6ft fence within your boundary up against the current fence. Where I am lots of people have double fences so that all their fence panels match as they usually have 3 different neighbour fencing.

It is also normal to want privacy in your garden. There is no need to explain why you want privacy you just do. Get the fencing people to do the gate at the same time. Tell your Dh you can't live your life in fear of upsetting someone and therefore not doing what you want. It is no way to live.

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