To want privacy in my own back garden?

[OhFFSthisAgain]

The issue is we have gappy old shared 4 foot fence inbetween us and the neighbours. It is right a long so there isn't one place I can go in the garden where I'm not seen. They have a huge garden (bigger than ours so they have the option to sit further away, but they choose to sit right next to us) and literally against the fence; they seem very comfortable there. They are always out pottering around. They're a big family and out alot of the time.
I want to get a new 6 foot fence to give us privacy, this will improve my happiness so much, and mean I will use the garden more.
I was going to ask the neighbours if we can replace the fence as it is very old, we will pay etc, if they're unhappy with this i will put the new fence in front of it.

Dh who is a known people pleaser is so concerned about "what will they think," "it is awkward", "we're blocking them off" " what if they're funny about it, blocking their light" etc. He is making every excuse in the book not to do it. He won't even let me put privacy screening up the same height as the dam fence!

I am becoming increasingly annoyed by dh's attitude. He would rather please the neighbours, and avoid conflict when he never speaks to them. I actually don't think they'll even be bothered in the first place! He knows the privacy would make a huge difference to my mental health. I will enjoy the garden, it will be a sanctuary for me. At the moment I feel I'm in a goldfish bowl, and don't use it as often when they're all out, and it is just me on my own.

Dh is starting to get annoyed by me "going on about it all of the time!"

Am I really being so unreasonable?

No-one, apart from you and neighbours, have back garden fences lower than 6'. If you are paying for the fence I would have it erected totally on your land - you need no permission from anyone to put a 6' fence up in back garden. I have done this in my new build, I wanted additional privacy even though there was a brand new 6' fence there, I put a better, more attractive one up, just adjacent to neighbour's fence. I didn't tell them, why would I? It didn't affect them, and I paid. Do it for your mental health. Before summer.n

I was going to ask the neighbours if we can replace the fence as it is very old, we will pay etc, if they're unhappy with this i will put the new fence in front of it.

I think you need to be proactive and ask them what they think. All other decisions/arguments will follow on from that, depending what they say.

If they are cool with it then that removes all your DHs arguments.

Does "joint" mean you're expecting the neighbours to split the cost with you?
Good luck with that...

I would be having a conversation with my husband about why the neighbours (perceived) feelings are more important than my health. At which point will he prioritise you?

Of course just do it. Put up the taller privacy fence. Your dh seems intimidated by the neighbors. Go ahead and do the fence and don’t worry about the neighbors or your dh. I mean, ask the neighbors if it’s ok to replace existing etc, but do it anyway if you have to put it in front of existing. It’s your right to do so. Everyone deserves privacy if possible.

I totally get what you mean OP, I'm sociable out and about but in my back garden I don't want to see anyone. So I grew hedges and conifers!
You need the fence, the screening is good in the short term but 4ft is nothing.

Your h is being totally U and a real wuss. Why does he think the neighbours' feelings are more important than yours??

Talk to them. Say you want to put up a six-foot fence. If the fence I'd shared, you should be able to share costs with them.

And if get a fence man in to do it instead of relying on your h.

@ReadersD1gest Think she means a joint expense for her and her husband.

Oh, apologies.

Yanbu. When I moved in my neighbours didn't have a fence up despite it being their boundary (my previous owners were very elderly) so I had to pay for a fence. They whined about losing light so I stupidly put a 4ft fence up. I've lost a ft of garden as it had to be on my land.
Replaced it 4 years later with a 6ft fence as they're a nightmare. I didn't tell them that time.
I've probably created a nightmare issue with the boundaries when it comes to sell this place, but I'll deal with that when it happens.

We had this in our old house. When we moved in there was a rotten, low, gappy fence separating us and the neighbour. I did worry about them thinking we were rude by putting a 6 foot, solid fence in but ultimately I wanted my privacy. I spoke to them and explained what I wanted to do, told them we'd pay for it. They were happy with the suggestion (they got their privacy and it didn't cost them a penny). They allowed our contractor into their garden to do what he needed to do on their side and it didn't spoil relations at all, we were still friendly when we bumped into each other on the driveways. Just do it! Get the most out of your garden.

I have an 8ft wall around my house and complete privacy.

I love every foot of it.

Men like your husband are so unattractive.

Terrified of offending everyone, but have absolutely no difficulty being unkind and unsympathetic to their wife.

Ick.

In your place I would tell the neighbours you are getting a new fence, just let them know that it is what you want, and you are happy to do it on your boundary if they prefer.

Tell your husband its happening and have a good long think about living your life with a selfish weak man who clearly cares very little for YOUR mental health.

I don't have a single friend whose home I am in regularly, that doesn't have absolute minimum 6ft height walls, but most have 8ft like mine.

Privacy is a wonderful thing and it is completely understandable that you would like some in your garden.

Mind yourself OP.

Your husband is a twat.

If it's a shared fence you can't replace it without there permission or attach something like a new fence to it. We had a 4ft fence when we moved on. The neighbours wanted to put up a 6ft one but the fencer actually game and checked to ensure we were happy for the 4ft one to be replaced (we didn't mind) before he took down the 4ft one. It was then replaced with 2 fences as we had a certain side that needed to be kept as part of our deeds. I would actually suggest you put up a separate fence that runs alongside the current fence even if it's just a bit so you can have some privacy.

@OhFFSthisAgain ''Good fences make good neighbours''
I have the highest fence possible, and no one complained.

Say you are thinking of getting a dog.
Rescue dog charities specify good, tall fencing.

Even if you aren't getting a dog, it's a good excuse.

I'm like you, I loved my old neighbour, but when she died, I put up new fencing.

The new family are luckily lovely, but the high fence was put up as I'd no idea who might move in!

Great post.

Terrified of offending everyone, but have absolutely no difficulty being unkind and unsympathetic to their wife.

This is it in a nutshell. My dh is usually great but sometimes he has done this to “avoid conflict” but apparently doesn’t mind the conflict with me!

Op, it is frustrating. But get the fence asap.

If it’s shared then you need to agree with your neighbours on what replaces the existing fence. If you decide to put another fence inside your property boundary rather than replacing the existing fence what are you going to do when inevitably the original fence is removed?

My fence is like this is one area. There is still privacy in parts of the garden but not so much in the place most people want to sit. I think you should talk to your neighbours. The gappy fence in my garden belongs to me and I can't afford to get someone round to put a new one up. It is never at the top of my priorities, money wise. I would be absolutely delighted if someone wanted to replace it for me. Even if I bought the fence and someone else fitted it I would be happy as that's the bit that costs. You don't know what they think unless you bring it up!

Can't help wondering if your husband has an unstated reason for not wanting a new fence eg he likes chatting to the neighbours when he's out in the garden?

Can you talk to the neighbours about it and then let your DH know and they’re v happy no problem etc?

Just a suggestion of a middle ground, or a stop gap until you get your fencing done.
I desperately wanted privacy from our retired neighbours who are ENDLESSLY pottering around their garden, and can look into ours as our and their gardens are tiered.
I bought a 3-seater love seat with a roof on it, and put it with its back against the fence between us. I can now sit out with a coffee and they can't see me.

Why would she need to do anything?

It’s whether they would be bothered by their neighbours ‘taking’ a 6” strip of land the length of the garden. If they’re not fussed then they wouldn’t need to do anything.

I recently bought bamboo roll screen and stapled it to the existing wooden fence, 1.8m high. Could you do something like that?

@WildfirePonie how far above the fence was it? Would it not be affected by weather if too far above?

In your shoes OP, I would start a conversation with the neighbours, by asking if they know who's responsible for the upkeep of the fence? If they say 'you are', then you can say 'oh that's fine then, we can just go ahead and replace it as it's looking a bit tatty', you don't need to mention that it will be 6ft, as it's your boundary to care for. If they say 'it's ours', then you could say that you've noticed it's looking a bit tired, and ask how would they feel about splitting the costs and replacing it with something a bit higher. If they say no to that, then you can just say, 'OK no problem, we'll just install a new one on our side of the boundary'. As for your 'H', you can then tell him you've had a conversation with the neighbours and this is how you're going to proceed, no ifs, no buts!