To want privacy in my own back garden?

[OhFFSthisAgain]

The issue is we have gappy old shared 4 foot fence inbetween us and the neighbours. It is right a long so there isn't one place I can go in the garden where I'm not seen. They have a huge garden (bigger than ours so they have the option to sit further away, but they choose to sit right next to us) and literally against the fence; they seem very comfortable there. They are always out pottering around. They're a big family and out alot of the time.
I want to get a new 6 foot fence to give us privacy, this will improve my happiness so much, and mean I will use the garden more.
I was going to ask the neighbours if we can replace the fence as it is very old, we will pay etc, if they're unhappy with this i will put the new fence in front of it.

Dh who is a known people pleaser is so concerned about "what will they think," "it is awkward", "we're blocking them off" " what if they're funny about it, blocking their light" etc. He is making every excuse in the book not to do it. He won't even let me put privacy screening up the same height as the dam fence!

I am becoming increasingly annoyed by dh's attitude. He would rather please the neighbours, and avoid conflict when he never speaks to them. I actually don't think they'll even be bothered in the first place! He knows the privacy would make a huge difference to my mental health. I will enjoy the garden, it will be a sanctuary for me. At the moment I feel I'm in a goldfish bowl, and don't use it as often when they're all out, and it is just me on my own.

Dh is starting to get annoyed by me "going on about it all of the time!"

Am I really being so unreasonable?

Thank you @billy1966 and @MysteryBelle exactly, I find the tiny fence crazy, especially with it being along the entire garden, it is about 20 metres or something. Honestly it's crazy housing companies put these in in the first place. I'm so envious of all of the neighbours who have lovely new high fenced and gates! 8 foot would be a dream, but I'd be halluy with 6/6.5 foot. I'd even be happier with 5 foot and no gaps as that would be a huge improvement on what we have.

I've told dh he needs to be more concerned with what his wife thinks and feels, than other people that we rarely speak to. He has agreed to privacy screening for now, I've already ordered some bamboo etc, just wondering if I should have gone for a higher height, abit scared too high above the fence may not be secure. Dh is already worried at the thought it will be 1 foot higher than the fence and not just to cover the gaps! He is saying we need lights etc to cover the fact we are blocking them up, and to make it look decorative 🤦‍♀️

happy^

off* that should say

*'Gerwurtztraminer · Today 15:28
Just go and speak to the neighbours yourself to let them know you be putting up a new fence on your side, come back and tell pathetic DH it's all sorted & fine (why wouldn't it be).

Is he a weedy wet flannel on other things too? Would be putting me right off frankly. He sounds like that passive wimp from Motherland. Start calling him Kevin.'*

😂 that's made me chuckle! You would think so wouldn't you?!

Totally understandable, l had similar problems my garden is surrounded by other gardena and zero privacy, but now due to fencing and trellis, trees and shrubs and climbers it is lovely and private. I told my neighbours to let me know if any of my plants esp the climbers become a nuisance but they like them, and have actually complained when l trimmed them back saying they prefer the greenery spilling over.
It has cost me a small fortune and taken a while to get there but now l can sit and garden in peace and just be quiet. l get on ok with all my neighbours but one set in particular are very nosy and feels like question time, plus they are quite competative, where as I'm not.
I absolutely love my little hideaway now.

*'Kvetching · Today 15:39
I have the same issue with my husband!

We have only a picket fence between our (large gardens) and I want to plant a hedge between us. I’d want a tall fence if it wasn’t for the fact it’s a ‘cottage garden’ style. If we sit at the bottom of our garden, we can see straight into our neighbours’ and vice versa. They are lovely, but I want privacy! My husband thinks if we have hedging, we will spoil their view (it would obstruct their view of a bridge). But I want to be able to sit at the bottom of our garden without feeling awkward.'*

It's madness isn't it? They care more about the neighbours needs than ours. If they want to see a bridge they should leave home and go see it. The amount of times I've heard "oh too high will block their sun/cast shadow etc" Honestly i should just start saying royalty live next door!

Fucking hell, your husband is limp as old lettuce. Ick.

Get someone to help you put the screen up or just make arrangements to have a new fence installed.

'DowntownKingston · Today 15:52
I’d just put my own fence up. Some people like privacy whilst others are not fussy. I’m not sure if they just enjoy seeing people, or they’re nosy bastards. We once had a small car park the back of us, we had lovely trees & bushes which gave us privacy from the car park. The neighbour would frequently chop all the ones nearest to her down. I never understood it myself as I liked the privacy, but she was such a busybody.'

Yes, I don't understand why they don't want privacy when we don't talk much, they keep moving closer to us and now are right against the fence! Dh thinks they're are trying to intimidate and get us not to use our garden?!
They don't really use the rest of the garden, just the strip along the fence mainly. I have noticed them sitting quietly listening in when we talk, I realise the higher fence won't stop this, but at least they won't see us, or know when we're out.
I think we are their entertainment, their windows all look into our garden too. At one point we had our patio doors open, and one of them waved over the fence and spoke to me and dh who were inside our house, so the conversation was going from their backgarden, across ours and into our house 🤣. This was a particularly low point, and the final straw for me.

Yanbu but if they're always so close to your boundary, they're probably a bit weird. In my experience, this won't go well but it depends how much you care.

I've always found neighbours who are happy with a 4 foot fence for instance, and have done nothing to create privacy, will struggle to accept your need for privacy.

I don't know if we were unlucky, but so many of our UK neighbours were like yours! So, so glad we moved away, your post is giving me anxiety 😂
Good luck to you, wish we'd had neighbours like you when we lived there!

I was in the same position, couldn't physically use my garden to relax as one of the neighbours would come out and chat for literally hours! Our 3ft fence 'blew' down in a storm and we hastily replaced with a 5ft one! We got a couple of comments but at the end of the day it was our fence to sort and I'm not paying for a house with a garden that I cannot use!

Get yourself out there in a bikini this summer and he will soon panic about what the neighbours think and want a higher fence.

OP,

So your pathetic husband is putting people he thinks are trying to intimidate you, ahead of you?

He really is pathetic.

Stop trying to persuade him.

TELL HIM what is happening.

Tell him how unattractive his behaviour is.

In your place I would definitely move on the fencing.

Also buy a sail cover that can be erected to block their view, amazon sell them for sun cover, but they are super for privacy too.

Also buy a small radio that you can play speaker facing their direction on a low basis which will block out or make difficult their ability to ear wig your conversation.

Don't brook any arguments or bullshit from your husband.

The sail can be quickly erected and taken down, you could even plan a pergola structure.

Bamboo is fab, especially the tall growing varieties, BUT plant in plastic containers as they spread!

There is nothing nicer IMO than enjoying privacy in your garden, particularly early mornings when you might enjoy early morning coffee in your dressing gown, having fallen out of bed😱😁.

I also love a glass of wine on a summers evening and I certainly wouldn't like my neighbours peering in at me.

Even more so if I didn't like them, which fortunately I do!...

Your husband is the weirdo.

I have never met anyone who didn't prize their privacy.

We bought our old house that needed loads doing to it, including a hugely over grown garden.

THE selling point of the house WAS the large hugely private garden.....it certainly wasn't all the work we had to do in the house!🙄

Stick to your guns.

You are allowed to put up a 6ft fence but not 8ft on the boundary
You would need Planning permission to go 8ft.

This is actually a good idea. Your husband will start advocating for an 8 foot privacy fence and the neighbor wife will start steering her husband to their front yard and away from up against your tiny back fence. (Unless they’re even weirder than you say they are and they sound pretty weird)

@OhFFSthisAgain

The fence is 1.5m. So far the windy weather hasn't affected it too much. I also used some small screw hooks to hold it in place as my staple gun isn't heavy duty.

It's only a small amount of extra height but now the garden is private and I use it almost daily now!

👏 agree

Agree. Next time your husband fancies sex, send him round to the neighbours' house. He seems to think he is married to them.

Haha yes, the strange thing is dh actually doesn't like the neighbours too much, thinking they're abit strange! He could have fooled me, he just tells me he can't help how he is, and that he finds it awkward. I told him I find it more awkward leaving things as they are. From
opening my patio door to a person standing only feet away facing me, a family meeting around a table they have placed right next to the fence (cue silence when we come out and only hearing our voices). One of them sunbathing with little on frightens my dc, or you think it's all clear than one will spring up unexpectedly and mutter something. 😂

Thank you @WildfirePonie I've ordered a 1.5m screen for the time being, it'll increase fence height from 4 to 5 foot.

@Irequireausername oh my goodness, where you live sounds incredibly sane, i'm so jealous! Why can't I have somebody who wants privacy next door? I dream of the neighbours knocking, and expressing that they're going to get a new fence, or that they randomly stick some large plants/trellis/random structures, literally anything; it never happens. 🤔

I did exactly what you’re suggesting. Got sick of the lady out the back peering through the gaps and trying to start a conversation when I wanted to relax. So I put up a 6ft fence inside the existing fence. Don’t know if she was annoyed because she can’t talk to me any more!

"Dh thinks they're are trying to intimidate and get us not to use our garden?"
And he STILL wants to please them? What's wrong with him, is he scared of them? He sounds more weak and silly with every update.

could you keep the fence as is, and just plant some fast growing evergreen bushes? That’s what we have and it’s good for blocking out noise too

Don’t do the screening, a foot makes no difference, if he really thinks they are tying to intimidate you then logic says they want privacy they just can’t afford a new fence. Just go and get it sorted the pair of you are being wet blankets.