To want privacy in my own back garden?

[OhFFSthisAgain]

The issue is we have gappy old shared 4 foot fence inbetween us and the neighbours. It is right a long so there isn't one place I can go in the garden where I'm not seen. They have a huge garden (bigger than ours so they have the option to sit further away, but they choose to sit right next to us) and literally against the fence; they seem very comfortable there. They are always out pottering around. They're a big family and out alot of the time.
I want to get a new 6 foot fence to give us privacy, this will improve my happiness so much, and mean I will use the garden more.
I was going to ask the neighbours if we can replace the fence as it is very old, we will pay etc, if they're unhappy with this i will put the new fence in front of it.

Dh who is a known people pleaser is so concerned about "what will they think," "it is awkward", "we're blocking them off" " what if they're funny about it, blocking their light" etc. He is making every excuse in the book not to do it. He won't even let me put privacy screening up the same height as the dam fence!

I am becoming increasingly annoyed by dh's attitude. He would rather please the neighbours, and avoid conflict when he never speaks to them. I actually don't think they'll even be bothered in the first place! He knows the privacy would make a huge difference to my mental health. I will enjoy the garden, it will be a sanctuary for me. At the moment I feel I'm in a goldfish bowl, and don't use it as often when they're all out, and it is just me on my own.

Dh is starting to get annoyed by me "going on about it all of the time!"

Am I really being so unreasonable?

I understand why your DH doesn’t want to fall out with neighbours. My dad did that and it was horrible. But you can be polite and assertive without being aggressive, which is exactly what you’re suggesting on this occasion. If you are too meek you just get walked over.

We did that too.only a 3 foot fence between us and neighbours and we are in a terrace so close to each other, put up 6 foot fences and it’s brilliant. We can still hear them talking and they have BBQs and a fire pit which is a bit of a pain in the summer but we can go in the garden without worrying about being looked at

Just do it. Book someone to do the work.

Then you won't ned to 'go on' and your DH can continue to take no interest and bear no responsibility. Win win.

Just go and speak to the neighbours yourself to let them know you be putting up a new fence on your side, come back and tell pathetic DH it's all sorted & fine (why wouldn't it be).

Is he a weedy wet flannel on other things too? Would be putting me right off frankly. He sounds like that passive wimp from Motherland. Start calling him Kevin.

I really feel for you , I have a low level wire fence and my neighbours are horrible. They have endless loud barbecues, and treat the garden like a pavement cafe . We have also ended up with beer cans in our garden.

And I'm afraid your DH sounds an utter wet lettuce who needs to develop some basic social skills and to stop taking you for granted.

But that's another story really.

I would take the approach with DH of needing to create a secure garden for your child. It doesn’t sound as if either the gate or the fencing are secure.

You can put up your own fence within the boundary.

We've got six foot panels with a 6' gravel board too. Bloody brilliant, can't see anybody

Do it

Plant fast growing bushes
Asknlocal garden centre for advice

If you really need to feed the neighbours a line to explain a bigger fence (and you don't just want to say 'I need privacy') then you could say that you're thinking of getting a puppy and a four foot fence is no barrier to most breeds of dog. Even my terrier can jump a four foot fence (when in pursuit of cats).

But you shouldn't need an excuse. And your husband is a wet hen.

Repeat the comment to DH about person seeing your child and say you want security and privacy and it’s non negotiable but you are happy to tell the neighbours and sort the work out then do it. He needs to put your needs above others as well as take account of his own needs of course. But having a private space to unwind is absolutely vital so YANBU.

I'm a firm believer in the old adage that good fences make good neighbours.
But I would talk to the neighbours before actually installing anything.

I have the same issue with my husband!

We have only a picket fence between our (large gardens) and I want to plant a hedge between us. I’d want a tall fence if it wasn’t for the fact it’s a ‘cottage garden’ style. If we sit at the bottom of our garden, we can see straight into our neighbours’ and vice versa. They are lovely, but I want privacy! My husband thinks if we have hedging, we will spoil their view (it would obstruct their view of a bridge). But I want to be able to sit at the bottom of our garden without feeling awkward.

I wouldn't speak to them unless to tell them that it was booked and paid for and happening tomorrow. Don't give them the idea that they get a vote on what you do in your own garden!

I’d just put my own fence up. Some people like privacy whilst others are not fussy. I’m not sure if they just enjoy seeing people, or they’re nosy bastards. We once had a small car park the back of us, we had lovely trees & bushes which gave us privacy from the car park. The neighbour would frequently chop all the ones nearest to her down. I never understood it myself as I liked the privacy, but she was such a busybody.

It is a bit cheeky of them to sit right up next to your fence when they have a large garden. Tell them you are replacing the fence. No need to mention the height.

They might not be bothered. There was a 3 foot fence in our garden when we moved in and our neighbours straight away asked if she could get it replaced with a 6ft one. They had hated it for years and didn’t want to offend previous owners by asking. 6ft is fairly standard now and would be surprised if neighbours object. Privacy and proper fence for your own garden is not remotely unreasonable.

Have you explained to your DH how badly this issue is affecting your MH? I'm sure most husbands would want to do whatever they could to help their wife feel less anxious in their own home. Considering his reasoning against the fence appears to centre on "I don't want to upset the neighbours", have you considered being really firm and saying that the current set up is upsetting you, he should be far more concerned with you than with them!

This is clearly something that needs to happen, so if he is concerned about having the conversation with the neighbours, perhaps you could offer to do this while he's out of the house, so he doesn't have to get involved. In the same vein; if he's anxious about "what the neighbours will think of him" installing a fence, can you arrange for it to be fitted while he's out for the day perhaps (once he's agreed to having it installed, I don't mean behind his back!)? Let us know how you get on!

Your husband is a wet lettuce and he's giving your neighbours' feelings priority over yours, which would piss me off mightily. He doesn't even know they won't like it, he's just wibbling because he thinks they'll be annoyed. What a wimp.

If you want to be diplomatic, bushes are the way. You’d have them screened in two years.

years ago we had a little three foot one and when we said to the neighbours they said they’d rather we didn’t, as it then made their other side look odd due to mismatched heights.

I just said I’m sorry but I was telling not asking. And we fenced with six foot. I never really understood how they didn’t seem to mind. Some folks don’t. They could easily afford to replace the other side, but felt it looked better low.more of an outlook and less confined.

i don’t get it, I don’t have anything to hide but don’t want my neighbours being able to look into my house and the same for my garden.

It is normal to put a new fence in when the old one is falling apart. There is quite a bit of expense in having a new fence and gate installed. Is it the cost your husband is balking at? Is he thinking you expect him to do the work (that wouldn't be fair). Does your DH chat a lot to them while outside? If you have the money in your budget for a new fence and there is no labour required of your DH, then I would sit down and have a serious conversation about it. You aren't him. It isn't weird or extreme in any way to want privacy in your own yard and your nighbours will probably be happy to have a new fence too. It is a bit strange he is so adament about not having a new fence!

No way would I live in a house with less than a 6ft fence. I dont even like the houses next to us being able to see in the garden from the windows (although luckily not too overlooked and you have to live in the middle of nowhere to have complete privacy).

Just let them know your putting up a new fence and paying for it. If your not confident telling them, pop a note through there door just before work begins.

First of all, why not find out whose fence it is in the first place. 50% chance it’s yours anyway and if so, having a duty to maintain it, you can replace it with your choice of fence without losing valuable inches from your own garden. Look on your deeds or phone the council. Then just politely inform the neighbours when the work is going to happen.
Your DH is a bit of a wet lettuce so you might just have to get on with a solution on your own if it’s that important to you.

We put a new 2m fence in when our elderly neighbour died and before the house sale had completed. A young family with three kids is moving in and I can’t stand kids watching and asking me what I’m doing while I’m in the garden. The elderly neighbour used to moan when the hedges got a bit too tall and peeped over the four foot fence so we never dared swop the fence out.