To not enjoy having a nanny?

[ldntoparis22]

We have had a new nanny start a week or so ago. She is Our first. I work from home most days she is here. Admittedly the kids are only just getting used to her, but she is more expensive than childcare (by about £50 a day, which is a lot for us) and I find it less convenient.

I feel as though I need to now have enough lunch stuff, as well as dinner, for the kids. I mean there probably already is, but at nursery I don't worry about food between 8-6.

I work from my office at home which is some way from the kids' area of the house but I find myself talking quietly on the phone, not wanting to go into the kitchen for a snack, in case the kids see me and then won't go back to play with the nanny. One of my DC is very clingy (and whinghy).

The nanny is really excellent and tries her best and all sorts of tactics to take the clingy DC back but no matter what we know that it wouldn't work.

She does take them out, but only for say 4-5 hours so I still have meal times and the other half of the day with them around.

She also needs expenses paying if she takes them out for the day. So a soft play entry for them all is another £15 or so plus snacks. The local farm is £20. So on top of her £150 per day there are extras which don't creep in for nursery.

I feel bad telling her out requirements have changed so soon after she has started but AIBU in thinking there is something good in having the kids OUT of the house all day?!

I think you’re pretty committed to misunderstanding me to be honest. The op isn’t being reasonable. The nanny is already more than meeting her half way. Realistically it sounds like a nanny isn’t suitable for what she wants. A compromise won’t help in this situation because the base concept of a nanny (a childcare provider who cares for your children in your home) is at direct odds with what op wants.

Exactly. It would be so depressing being told your employer was complaining about expenses and about you being in the house. Realistically sticking the puddle suits on and running round the park kills maybe an hour. The idea of trudging about outside all day trying to occupy kids while worrying because your employer doesn’t want you to spend money on entertaining them is super miserable.

Although I will say I only accepted nanny work where the parents work out of the house. In my experience there is just a lot of conflict when the parents work in the home and you’re not able to do your job comfortably.

I didn’t make any calls moment about if OP was reasonable or not. I simply suggested a way of them working towards a better working relationship. It’s you who’s extrapolated on that and doubled down on the idea that OP is unreasonable and the situation unworkable. In reality OP has nothing to gain from giving up without trying to make it work and neither does her employee. I understand your position but just find it pointless and unprofessional.

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time here @ldntoparis22 . I understand what you're saying. The whole idea of having a nanny was that it would be more convenient as you would be ferrying kids to and fro to the nursery and you imagined being able to get stuck into your work whilst the children enjoyed more personal tailored care. Even though it was a bit more expensive you thought it would be worthwhile.
The reality is its more hassle than it's worth. You're not critising the nanny and of course you knew you'd have to feed them but it's not really allowing you to get 'stuck in' as planned and now instead of watching the clock for pick up time, you're trying to get a snack quickly before nanny comes home and kids want a cuddle.
You've done nothing wrong. You just need to decide how much its likely to improve and is it worth the money. Personally I think I'd get back to the nursery, and stick with that but maybe pay someone to do the pick up and drop home for you probably adding another hour to your day. I don't think it would need to be a nanny. Maybe one of the staff would be prepared to do it?

😂

It’s not unprofessional to have standards and preferences. Most professional nannies wouldn’t want to work with a parent to come to try to problem solve ‘I don’t like expenses and you need to be out of the house more than the five hours a day you already are. Don’t spend any money though.’

It’s like hiring a cleaner and saying you don’t like somebody cleaning in your house. Realistically the cleaner can do very little to ‘problem solve’ that.

I think you must be quite hard to work with if you can’t collaborate on basic things like budget for activities and daily routine, @Kanaloa but if my way or the highway works for you then some people must appreciate that approach.

@ldntoparis22 nothing you’ve posted makes me think this can’t work if you want it too. It might help if the children went out at more predictable times so you could make calls then and I’m guessing nanny sorting lunch menus that you can plan for and similarly trips/outings will make the budget easier to manage. It’s totally normal to have teething problems in any set up. If the children like her and you trust her to keep them safe and be a positive in their lives I’d persevere.

That’s not what she’s saying at all, @TomeTome . To be honest, it is coming across as unnecessarily argumentative now.

I’m not getting that vibe at all, either @TomeTome?

She just sounds as though she’s getting used to a new work and childcare situation. There’s no need for the bad faith assumptions and nastiness.

This is not doing your cause any favours.

So another week of this. Some further input would be great.

Pluses: she is great with the kids. Lots of creative play. All very sweet.

Things not so sure about:

• she cooked DS (2) a 9 inch pizza for his lunch because she says that's what he asked for. When I asked how much she ate, she said that he ate well over half of it and that she shared that with him. Choice of lunch aside, am I meant to cater for the nanny too?! That to me sounds more like an aupair.

• the advertised role was for a nanny housekeeper. When the kids slept, she asked if I minded her vaping. During nap time, she folded away some clothes for me but didn't empty the dishwasher. The play room was definitely not as tidy when she left as when she arrived. I feel as though my life isn't really being made any easier, I still spent an hour after she'd gone emptying my dishwasher, clearing up the toy room. She left her coffee cup on the window sill of toy room. Small things but not things that make my life any easier!

To clarify the posts above. I absolutely do not expect them to go out more than 4-5 hours, even that extent is long enough. I was more making the statement that she goes out for part of the day, it was not intended to be a suggestion that they stay out the full day!!

Thoughts on above?

You are a penny pinching, nitpicking horror to work for? Find another solution.

Yes, you are supposed to provide meals on duty for the nanny. That's an industry norm.

As for housekeeping duties, sounds like you aren't doing much management of your new employee? Does she have a list of tasks?
If your child is 2, then she's not really going to have much time for 'housekeeping' duties is she? Nanny-housekeepers usually work with school age children.
Once she's got your child down for a nap and had a 30 minute break for herself, how much time realistically has she got?

You are starting to sound quite unreasonable.

She is not going to eliminate the need for all household tasks. Yes, you will still have to do housework.

She's entitled to have breaks.

Yes, the nanny will eat lunch from food in kitchen. That’s standard.

Leaving a coffee cup on a windowsill once is not a big deal. She is human.

You need to be very careful here OP. You need to ask her to complete specific tasks, and ensure she has breaks. You need to be realistic and clear.

What do you think the dc prefer? Being at home or stuck in a nursery?
Surley the nanny at home is the perfect solution? And you can keep an eye..

Is there any option for you to go into a workplace rather than WFH? That seems like it might solve your problem?

YAstillBVU your nanny is doing nothing wrong and you seem like you're nitpicking and complaining over the most trivial things.

she cooked DS (2) a 9 inch pizza for his lunch because she says that's what he asked for. When I asked how much she ate, she said that he ate well over half of it and that she shared that with him. Choice of lunch aside, am I meant to cater for the nanny too?! That to me sounds more like an aupair.

YABU - it's fairly standard for a nanny to be provided with food when they're on shift. I had an aupair when DD was small (worked better for us as I only needed term time help and we lived in a popular "study abroad" location so plenty of students wanting the job to fit round their studies) but when looking at nannies it was perfectly standard to either give the nanny a meal allowance as part of the weekly expenses kitty (so if they took DC to a cafe for lunch after an activity session across town then they could pay for their own food out of those funds too or they could use the kitty money to take DC to the shops to buy bread and ham to make them both sandwiches for lunch if there was none in the house) or tell them they could make themselves something for lunch at home from whatever was in the cupboards as long as it was reasonable and they told you if they used the last of something so you knew to replace it in the weekly shop.

Some nannies might prefer to bring their own food but considering that this isn't like a normal job where you can just leave for a 30 minute lunch break it's a reasonable expectation that if they're expected to make lunch for the child(ren) then they can make enough for themselves too.

Sharing a pizza with DS would be totally reasonable, making him a ham sandwich helping herself to a three course steak dinner would not.

Additionally would you prefer that she had thrown the rest of the pizza away rather than eating it? What difference does it make to you if she ate the pizza rather than it going in the bin? You're sounding very mean and nitpicky to not want to allow your nanny a couple of slices of pizza for lunch.

The advertised role was for a nanny housekeeper. When the kids slept, she asked if I minded her vaping. During nap time, she folded away some clothes for me but didn't empty the dishwasher. The play room was definitely not as tidy when she left as when she arrived. I feel as though my life isn't really being made any easier, I still spent an hour after she'd gone emptying my dishwasher, clearing up the toy room. She left her coffee cup on the window sill of toy room. Small things but not things that make my life any easier!

What's the relevance of her asking about vaping? If it was because she wanted to do it in the house then that would be unreasonable (I don't smoke or vape and wouldnt want the smells in my house) but I assume she asked as she would do it outside so wanted to be sure that you were ok with her having DC napping inside while she was out in the garden. Some parents would want the nanny to be in the house at all times while the child was asleep, even if that was the nanny's only break time, meaning they wouldn't be able to go for a smoke/vape break without the child so it may have been a deal breaker for them with taking the job.

As for the jobs done during nap time, you have a 2yo, so they aren't napping for hours and hours at a time, what exactly are you expecting her to get done in the time your child naps? By the time she's had a break, folded the laundry and tidied the playroom (might not be to the level it was when she arrived but it is being used so you have to be realistic about how much stuff is still left out) what else do you expect her to do?

Considering it apparently took you an hour to tidy up and unload the dishwasher, when do you want her to fit that into the day, considering you also want her out of the house for most of the day too?

Have you given her a list of the housekeeping tasks you expect her to do? If I was doing a nanny housekeeper role without being given a lost of the housekeeping tasks I was expected to do every day then I would assume the employer wanted a nanny who would prioritise the child but do a few household tasks - dishwasher, laundry, tidying etc- when my schedule allowed (ie when the child was asleep). I would be very pissed off to find out you were moaning about me not doing XYZ jobs without explicitly telling me that you wanted XYZ jobs completing.

The coffee cup on the window sill is annoying but it entirely depends on the circumstances - as a one off I wouldn't mind, as it could be that she was tidying the playroom and drinking her coffee while DC was napping and then they woke up so she put the cup down on the window sill to go and fetch DC and then forgot to move it to the kitchen; if it was something that happened on a daily basis then a simple "Nanny, can you please make sure your coffee cups are put in the dishwasher before you go as I keep finding them on the windowsill in the playroom after you've finished for the day, thanks" should sort the issue.

In every place I’ve been a nanny it’s been considered normal to eat meals during your shift, unless you are like an after school nanny who only works a few hours. It is also expected and appropriate to be able to have a short break while children sleep - much like you presumably get a lunch break at your work too. The playroom I’m 50/50 on. It should not be left extremely messy as the kids should be encouraged to tidy after their play, but a playroom at 5.30 after a busy day is simply not going to look the way it does at 6am before anyone has been in it.

The vaping I wouldn’t do as an employee in someone’s home. But presumably she asked for permission and you said yes that’s ok. So in that case you need to have a bit of a backbone and say no, I don’t want x in the house.

You haven’t budgeted for food which is causing you upset. This is your oversight as everyone needs to eat and it should be clear what you want dc to be eating and what you expect her to be eating. Just address it straight on BUT you should be providing adequate food for both not expecting them both to pick from the edges of your normal shop.

Write a list of what housekeeping you want done for each room/laundry. Share it and see if it helps. Tick off all the things you’re doing to supplement and see if you need to extend her hours to supplement or if you feel she’s actually doing more than you realised. You can easily time yourself doing the extra to see what the difference is.

Everyone with children does chores while they care for them.

Why don’t u get a childminder?

• she cooked DS (2) a 9 inch pizza for his lunch because she says that's what he asked for. When I asked how much she ate, she said that he ate well over half of it and that she shared that with him. Choice of lunch aside, am I meant to cater for the nanny too?! That to me sounds more like an aupair.

Oh wow. Yeah, a nanny is not for you, I have been offered meals by all of my families. Sounds like you can't really afford a nanny, if half a pizza is excessive for you.

I cannot fathom being judged for sharing a small pizza with one of my charges for lunch. I’d be out of there so fast my feet wouldn’t touch the floor. Hopefully the nanny won’t put up with this ridiculousness for long. I said it sounded like a joke at the start of the thread, I stand by it.

I worked for a really difficult family once and even they made sure that I felt I could eat the food in their house and got specific teabags in etc.
Really I think you need to let this nanny go. You sound way out of your depth as a nanny employer and now look to be nitpicking. Everything aside, it clearly isn't a good fit so better to let her go.

I would never hire a nanny who vaped. I only want my kids to hang around people who are good role models and vaping to me says a lot about their personality.

I would expect the nanny to cook dinner and lunch every day, also do cleaning and tidying up between visit from the cleaner. The nanny can eat some of what she cooks but I wouldn't cater to her.

I've only had a nanny for two months to give my mum a bit of a break (she used to babysit six days a week). I ask her to take my kid to granny's very often and I expect her to take my kid to the park, museum etc. I don't mind paying fees but a lot of this is really low cost or free.

My kid also does five half days at nursery. The nanny picks her up from 12 and looks after her till 6.30. Have you considered doing a combination of nursery and nanny.

Your last post does sound quite mean and nitpicky, I'm afraid, OP. A nanny / housekeeper role is really more for kids who go to school, and the housekeeping is done while the kids are at school. There's really not much housekeeping that she's going to get done during a two year old's nap time.

It sounds like this isn't working out for you, but don't blame the nanny!

Bloody hell, can't believe you're moaning about half a small pizza. Of course she should eat at work, that's what nannies, including me do, I've always been told to help myself to whatever I like, so I do. Don't think you really understand what having a nanny entails.