To not enjoy having a nanny?

[ldntoparis22]

We have had a new nanny start a week or so ago. She is Our first. I work from home most days she is here. Admittedly the kids are only just getting used to her, but she is more expensive than childcare (by about £50 a day, which is a lot for us) and I find it less convenient.

I feel as though I need to now have enough lunch stuff, as well as dinner, for the kids. I mean there probably already is, but at nursery I don't worry about food between 8-6.

I work from my office at home which is some way from the kids' area of the house but I find myself talking quietly on the phone, not wanting to go into the kitchen for a snack, in case the kids see me and then won't go back to play with the nanny. One of my DC is very clingy (and whinghy).

The nanny is really excellent and tries her best and all sorts of tactics to take the clingy DC back but no matter what we know that it wouldn't work.

She does take them out, but only for say 4-5 hours so I still have meal times and the other half of the day with them around.

She also needs expenses paying if she takes them out for the day. So a soft play entry for them all is another £15 or so plus snacks. The local farm is £20. So on top of her £150 per day there are extras which don't creep in for nursery.

I feel bad telling her out requirements have changed so soon after she has started but AIBU in thinking there is something good in having the kids OUT of the house all day?!

You don't think that individual attention and a chance to eat and play in their own home is better than being in childcare 8am-6pm five days a week?

Ignore those having a pop, everyone has different issues in life. I had a very similar issue to you, it didn't really get better after 1.5 years, the kids love having me home and try everything to get into the office, I get little done and feel like I'm in charge, even though I'm not, you can't switch off mum mode. I'm going back to the office next month until the kids are in school 🤣😂🤷

I have a husband who works from home: only part of the week but he decided these days would be my days off

It’s reassuring and interesting reading some of these posts which do acknowledge how difficult it is having a parent WFH with small children in the house. I was near tears last week because of it.

DHs work has always involved some WFH, but like (almost) everyone he was based at home after the first lockdown. It was fine in those days: we didn’t have children, so I stayed at one end of the house and he stayed at the other (bungalow.) It did have its downsides: I didn’t feel I could just walk in and out of the kitchen as it was a through route to the dining area where DH was working, and the dining room was transformed into an office. But it was fine.

We had DS in the December of 2020, and I was on maternity leave. That was when I started to find it irritating, then this gradually built to unbearable resentment. I felt like I was constantly ‘on show’ somehow. DS screamed and DH would appear. DS would be napping and DH would pop out. As restrictions eased, I couldn’t have friends round, couldn’t sit in the garden (glass doors and DH there meant I was on display!) I just wanted to lounge around in my pyjamas some days after a bad night and couldn’t!

I went back to work in the September, and DH went back to the office for one day a week, which incidentally put paid to our ‘I’ll drop him off at nursery and you can pick him up’ plans - somehow ended up doing every single drop off and pick up, but whatever - then omicron hit and DH was home again. DS was getting older and more aware of Daddy and the hour and a half between me getting home at around half four and DH finishing work at around 6 dragged on like nothing else on earth, with DH constantly appearing and DS crying, me unable to use the kitchen, DHs conversations being heard … Eventually we did have a conversation along the lines of ‘this is not working’ and moved to a house with a much bigger garden and a separate annexe.

In theory, it should be fine, but it isn’t fine. Fairly or otherwise I can still sense DHs presence even when he’s in the annexe and so can DS, so if DS is playing outside it’s still ‘daddy daddy.’ Plus, DH often decides he’s not going to the annexe and will sprawl out downstairs and shoot me an apologetic, worried look ‘I have a meeting in a bit’ which essentially is his way of telling me to fuck off with DS.

I am utterly drained by it all. I’m pregnant and worn out with having to keep a toddler out and entertained in all weathers, and when people say oh but you don’t have to do that! they don’t really know how incredibly stressful it is dealing with constant tantrums with a husband appearing and reappearing, calm one crying fit down and then we hear DHs voice and again ‘daddy! Where daddy!’

I genuinely do worry on the emotional effect on DS of having a parent there but completely unavailable. I also find it incredibly stifling.

It’s had me near tears this past week and I was for the first time seriously contemplating ending the relationship, just so that I can enjoy the pleasure of sitting in my own home during the day. I don’t think I could but it really has had such an awful effect on me, where I feel so bad tempered and fed up with him being HERE all the time and chased out of my own home.

He’s soon going to be back in the office for three days a week and I’m praying to god this holds as I don’t think a second maternity leave with him here would be one I could survive, to be honest.

I know some of this is off topic to the thread but it’s the first time I’ve seen people acknowledge that a parent WFH causes a huge amount of inconvenience for the parent who is trying to care for small children. Mostly, you get people insisting that if in an office out of the way and if headphones are used then their presence is barely even noticed, and it’s just not true.

Stop trying to tell me what I think, and what my kid thinks. Yes, I do work for him. Because I love him. Not because I love to work. I hate work.

Now stop goading and go enjoy sitting on the couch.

You decided to try using a Nanny for childcare

It's not working because you WFH and its too expensive

Go back to Nursery and or a Childminder

It's unsettling for the children, but they will soon adapt

Parent posts on a parenting site asking for advice re her childcare choices. Immediately gets asked if she’s joking and berated for just about being able to afford the exorbitant cost of childcare. This place can be so weird.

OP- there’s nothing wrong with the questions you’ve asked. You’ve realised it’s not as convenient and easy as you thought it would be. I would still give it a 2 month trial period if you think she’s very good to see if you can iron out the teething problems.

I can see how the cost of the extras would hit you hard when you are already paying so much, (Not so much food but the activities) as with a childminder and nursery most of the costs would be absorbed by the daily fee. If you’re having to dip into savings to pay for it, maybe long term explore other options.

I've not had a Nanny but my DM minded the children here whilst I wfh, I'm extremely grateful but it was a fucking nightmare.
I sometimes have the dc here whilst dh wfh, again fucking nightmare.
Can you go back to work? Get up and out each day and leave the nanny to it? She's probably not much happier than you are with the situation.
If you're not there in the way she can do 50p church hall playgroups in the AM, home for lunch and a nap, then home based play in the afternoon. A couple if times a week she can take the dc for a walk up the High Street or round the supermarket to buy food for lunch and nursery teas. Problem solved.

I asked if it was a joke because I’m a nanny myself (don’t worry!! I’m a mum too!!) and frankly it sounds like the OP has totally unrealistic expectations on her employee. Also, WFH is shit for most nannies, as I says before It has put me off many jobs.

Plenty of parents use nurseries full time for their children. If you work, have a mortgage to pay and little family support, it’s a needs must situation. Those kids will have good and bad days just like kids who have a SAHM or a PT mum (or dad). Balance is not always achievable.

However if the children are in a good childcare setting and their home life is loving and secure then you will not be able to tell the difference when they are older between the children who spent their early years in nursery and those who were at home.

This argument is as old as time. People do what they feel is best for their own situation and children. I don’t know why people on here seem so determined to validate their own choices by criticising others. There are a variety of different ways to raise a healthy happy child.

Everything you have mentioned sounds completely predictable. I'm surprised you hadn't anticipated that

If this arrangement isn't working, please do at least give the nanny a decent notice period and excellent reference. They may have left a permanent position to work for you and it would be unreasonable to.leave them in the lurch financially or struggling to secure new position because you hadn't thought this through properly

Did you not consider these things before you employed a nanny?!
I feel sorry for her.

I'm not sure why people are piling into the OP. She thought a nanny would suit; it's turning out to not be what she wants. Fair enough. Time to reconsider options.

That's expensive for the North and you shouldnt really be quoting net figures, you will do yourself a disservice if tax increases.

As a nanny I never talk in NET. It doesn’t help anyone.

OP I think lots of people are jumping on you because a lot of the issues you’re talking about were very predictable. Eg if you want the nanny to be out for the majority of the day then obviously she’s going to need to spend some money when out and about. And yes of course you need to have lunch stuff in for them.

I think it’s unfair on both the DC and nanny to expect them to be out for the majority of the day. 4 to 5 hours is already a decent amount. What would be fair is to suggest that there’s a loose routine to most days along the lines of heading out not long after she arrives to a cheap church playgroup/toddler class. Back home for lunch and nap and then out again in the afternoon for a trip to the park before heading home for dinner. You could ask her to mix up the activities with a mixture of free, low cost and pricier things. It doesn’t need to be soft play every day.

I see your point. Maybe a balance between the two. 8-6 five days a week is excessive in my opinion.

@CheezePleeze ah, you again 😊

Of course. I just wonder why a lot of people don’t consider these things pre 2/3 children.
Im all for supporting working parents, but 50 hours a week is too much in my opinion, and parents shouldn’t have kids to not see them 5 days a week.

It helps to make their lunch the night before in a lunch box and leave it in the fridge. That way you don’t have to worry about it and they can take it out if they go out. Just add yoghurts, baby bells, cereal bars, more fruit etc to weekly shop.

There's this little thing called a mortgage, I'm not sure if you've heard of them?

Also, some women (me) quickly discover they are not earth mother material and cannot think of anything worse than being around a whingey 2 year old all day with no adult interaction and no escape. At least at work you get a lunch break.

I disagree and never suggested the nanny was out 9 hours a day. It’s common practice when resolving conflict to involve both parties in the solution. The nanny maybe taking the children out already but the cost and the length of time they’re out is of concern to her employer. It would be better for the employer to realise what the choices are and the nanny to appreciate what it is that’s causing concern. Encouraging the employer to lean on the nannies experience and the nanny to be part of solving the issues raised is only going to increase her value. Encouraging them both to work together to solve a fairly straight forward situation will only help them learn to work constructively together.

Wow, lots of pointless mum guilt comments here. Ignore OP, if you wfh and kids are cared for at home you’re saving every possible minute others spend on commute/drop off.

I’ve always wfh with some weeks way and so always had nannies. It worked great for us.
first thing is to get your kids used to you being ‘at work’ - the poster whose DH who has an annexe but doesn’t work in it always made me really feel for you, he is being really unfair.

I work in the attic, our playroom is towards the back if the ground floor. One is my office, the other was the nanny’s. There was absolutely no reason for the kids to ever come up to me and I would usually time my lunch with their nap/going out time or eat at
my desk. I would come and make a coffee etc. but I’d have a quick listen out first to see if I was going to interrupt a game or similar.

food wise I’ve always offered our nanny’s the option to make lunch at ours but 90% of the time they’ve brought their own soup/salad.
we have a small under counter fridge by the kettle with milk etc in which is known as the kids fridge and has eggs, ham, cheese, houmous, yoghurt etc in Kids lunches are super simple -pitta and houmous etc- so no special ingredients required. Then we have a bugger fridge freezer where main shop goes. If nanny was doing kids tea I’d usually pop a couple of option a - meatballs or sausages etc- in small fridge. No confusion over meal planning and keeps everyone’s life simple at witching hour.

re days out if she’s new she’s probably trying to be most fun nanny ever to win kids over. I think just sit down with her and ask what they’ve enjoyed and what are good free/cheap activities so you can plan a weekly kitty budget and she can build a weekly routine. Library story sessions etc can be free and great, plus a good season ticket or two.
remember to allow extra in school holidays when lots of the mid week mornings don’t run.

also make sure your nanny is making your life easier for you. At a minimum I’d expect the playroom/toy area, kids bedrooms to be left tidy and kitchen cleaned up after kids meals. If they nap she should have time to do a bit of their washing/sort toys out etc.
if you’re short of things for lunch they can pop to a shop together and choose something - they may well be doing that with à childminder, or you, and it’s a bit of life learning.

If you have a good nanny who you and the kids like is do everything I can to make it work, it was the best solution for our family by far

one nanny job I did lasted for 6 weeks once. It was because both parents were at home and it was impossible to stop the children from wanting them. The mum didn’t actually work but was out and about throughout the day, but with no set routine. It was just so stressful as a nanny because I was doing everything i could to keep them occupied, taking them out for walks, activities in the house - but every time one or other parent appeared it was back to the beginning.
If you want a nanny then you need to go out to work or put the kids in nursery where you and they can just get on with their day.

was just so stressful as a nanny because I was doing everything i could to keep them occupied, taking them out for walks, activities in the house - but every time one or other parent appeared it was back to the beginning.

This thread is so cathartic as if you ask about this on MN you get so many responses along the lines of just distracting the kids or baby gates or TV, but it just never works for me. As soon as DS senses DH is around that’s it, he just wants to go into him. The only way it can possibly work is if I’m out all day, which is AWFUL! (And costs a small fortune!)

Ah. Such beautiful ignorance.