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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not enjoy having a nanny?

182 replies

ldntoparis22 · 21/04/2023 21:31

We have had a new nanny start a week or so ago. She is Our first. I work from home most days she is here. Admittedly the kids are only just getting used to her, but she is more expensive than childcare (by about £50 a day, which is a lot for us) and I find it less convenient.

I feel as though I need to now have enough lunch stuff, as well as dinner, for the kids. I mean there probably already is, but at nursery I don't worry about food between 8-6.

I work from my office at home which is some way from the kids' area of the house but I find myself talking quietly on the phone, not wanting to go into the kitchen for a snack, in case the kids see me and then won't go back to play with the nanny. One of my DC is very clingy (and whinghy).

The nanny is really excellent and tries her best and all sorts of tactics to take the clingy DC back but no matter what we know that it wouldn't work.

She does take them out, but only for say 4-5 hours so I still have meal times and the other half of the day with them around.

She also needs expenses paying if she takes them out for the day. So a soft play entry for them all is another £15 or so plus snacks. The local farm is £20. So on top of her £150 per day there are extras which don't creep in for nursery.

I feel bad telling her out requirements have changed so soon after she has started but AIBU in thinking there is something good in having the kids OUT of the house all day?!

OP posts:
Sortyourlifeout · 22/04/2023 08:49

Busybutbored · 22/04/2023 02:42

I'm not sure I've understood this correctly, are you wanting the nanny out all day so you have the house to yourself? I don't think there's anything wrong with that but why don't you just put them in nursery or get a childminder? Although I do understand if you prefer just having the one dedicated person looking after your children, it's the next best thing to being a SAHM. Just tell the nanny, the only thing is I'm guessing she'll need to be home for meal prep and naps? Plus it's also nice for the kids to have chill out time at home sometimes too

Where do you expect nanny and kids to be all day if they aren't at home? And without further stretching the budget?

Sortyourlifeout · 22/04/2023 08:53

Casilero · 22/04/2023 03:14

I know this is off topic, but do Nanny's really get 150 quid a day net? I'd much rather look after children and take them to soft play and petting zoos and shit. It sounds way better than my own tedious job. Just googling nanny qualification requirements.....

What a rude response.

Yes, SOME Nannies are now earning in excess of £150 a day.

But we all had to start somewhere and with any job, salaries increase with experience, time, qualifications, training, etc.

Not just 'anyone' can be a nanny and certainly not just anyone can start on that salary.

We work hard. We deserve a decent salary!

Kanaloa · 22/04/2023 09:01

Busybutbored · 22/04/2023 02:51

I agree, being out all day everyday would be difficult and not really fair on the children. Having a nanny should mean that they get the best of both worlds (eg being cared for, doing activities and also being in their home environment). It's perfectly reasonable though to say you want them doing something every morning or afternoon or vice versa or a mix of them both. That's what most SAHMs do too. Also not all activities cost money

Show quote history

But they do! The op says they are out for ‘four or five hours’ every day! The nanny is already doing this.

Kanaloa · 22/04/2023 09:05

TomeTome · 22/04/2023 08:33

I disagree and never suggested the nanny was out 9 hours a day. It’s common practice when resolving conflict to involve both parties in the solution. The nanny maybe taking the children out already but the cost and the length of time they’re out is of concern to her employer. It would be better for the employer to realise what the choices are and the nanny to appreciate what it is that’s causing concern. Encouraging the employer to lean on the nannies experience and the nanny to be part of solving the issues raised is only going to increase her value. Encouraging them both to work together to solve a fairly straight forward situation will only help them learn to work constructively together.

Show quote history

They’re our 5 hours a day. If that length of time wasn’t enough for op I’d turn my notice in. Expecting her to walk around outside with them for longer than that so they don’t disturb op just isn’t reasonable. The issue here is that op doesn’t actually like having a nanny. Expecting the nanny to problem solve that isn’t reasonable.

SleeplessWB · 22/04/2023 09:06

Restforabit · 22/04/2023 07:00

I have a husband who works from home: only part of the week but he decided these days would be my days off Hmm

It’s reassuring and interesting reading some of these posts which do acknowledge how difficult it is having a parent WFH with small children in the house. I was near tears last week because of it.

DHs work has always involved some WFH, but like (almost) everyone he was based at home after the first lockdown. It was fine in those days: we didn’t have children, so I stayed at one end of the house and he stayed at the other (bungalow.) It did have its downsides: I didn’t feel I could just walk in and out of the kitchen as it was a through route to the dining area where DH was working, and the dining room was transformed into an office. But it was fine.

We had DS in the December of 2020, and I was on maternity leave. That was when I started to find it irritating, then this gradually built to unbearable resentment. I felt like I was constantly ‘on show’ somehow. DS screamed and DH would appear. DS would be napping and DH would pop out. As restrictions eased, I couldn’t have friends round, couldn’t sit in the garden (glass doors and DH there meant I was on display!) I just wanted to lounge around in my pyjamas some days after a bad night and couldn’t!

I went back to work in the September, and DH went back to the office for one day a week, which incidentally put paid to our ‘I’ll drop him off at nursery and you can pick him up’ plans - somehow ended up doing every single drop off and pick up, but whatever - then omicron hit and DH was home again. DS was getting older and more aware of Daddy and the hour and a half between me getting home at around half four and DH finishing work at around 6 dragged on like nothing else on earth, with DH constantly appearing and DS crying, me unable to use the kitchen, DHs conversations being heard … Eventually we did have a conversation along the lines of ‘this is not working’ and moved to a house with a much bigger garden and a separate annexe.

In theory, it should be fine, but it isn’t fine. Fairly or otherwise I can still sense DHs presence even when he’s in the annexe and so can DS, so if DS is playing outside it’s still ‘daddy daddy.’ Plus, DH often decides he’s not going to the annexe and will sprawl out downstairs and shoot me an apologetic, worried look ‘I have a meeting in a bit’ which essentially is his way of telling me to fuck off with DS.

I am utterly drained by it all. I’m pregnant and worn out with having to keep a toddler out and entertained in all weathers, and when people say oh but you don’t have to do that! they don’t really know how incredibly stressful it is dealing with constant tantrums with a husband appearing and reappearing, calm one crying fit down and then we hear DHs voice and again ‘daddy! Where daddy!’

I genuinely do worry on the emotional effect on DS of having a parent there but completely unavailable. I also find it incredibly stifling.

It’s had me near tears this past week and I was for the first time seriously contemplating ending the relationship, just so that I can enjoy the pleasure of sitting in my own home during the day. I don’t think I could but it really has had such an awful effect on me, where I feel so bad tempered and fed up with him being HERE all the time and chased out of my own home.

He’s soon going to be back in the office for three days a week and I’m praying to god this holds as I don’t think a second maternity leave with him here would be one I could survive, to be honest.

I know some of this is off topic to the thread but it’s the first time I’ve seen people acknowledge that a parent WFH causes a huge amount of inconvenience for the parent who is trying to care for small children. Mostly, you get people insisting that if in an office out of the way and if headphones are used then their presence is barely even noticed, and it’s just not true.

I think a lot of this depends on the behaviour of the person WFH and the layout of the house. I teach so am at home with the children during all holidays with my dh working from home full time. His office is on the top (attic) floor so he keeps completely out of our way and does not come down other than for lunch/ a quick coffee.... I have been very clear that it is our home first and his office second and that is we are a problem he needs to go to the office!

Restforabit · 22/04/2023 09:15

Your children are older, if they are school age though, @SleeplessWB . It’s really hard with preschool aged children. Four plus and they have a little bit of understanding that daddy is at work. Three and below and they just don’t.

SUPsUP · 22/04/2023 09:26

Restforabit · 22/04/2023 09:15

Your children are older, if they are school age though, @SleeplessWB . It’s really hard with preschool aged children. Four plus and they have a little bit of understanding that daddy is at work. Three and below and they just don’t.

I did it from 12mo. It can be done, just needs super clear boundaries and consistency

Restforabit · 22/04/2023 09:53

SUPsUP · 22/04/2023 09:26

I did it from 12mo. It can be done, just needs super clear boundaries and consistency

Show quote history

Yes, you’re a better parent than me I am sure. Which is why this thread has been very helpful, as a professional nanny up thread agreed she couldn’t manage it either.

SUPsUP · 22/04/2023 10:31

Restforabit · 22/04/2023 09:53

Yes, you’re a better parent than me I am sure. Which is why this thread has been very helpful, as a professional nanny up thread agreed she couldn’t manage it either.

Show quote history

No not claiming to be a better parent at all. Was more saying if you get the routines in early enough it works in your favour - you don’t have to wait until they ‘understand’.
It’s hard and it needs both the parent and nanny to commit to making it work. But the benefits work both ways - if nanny gets stuck in traffic or your work call over runs at the end of the day they’re less critical crunch point. I genuinely think it’s the ideal and worth trying everything possible to make it work.

SUPsUP · 22/04/2023 10:32

And it definitely needs the parent(s) to respect the nanny’s work space, they need to be able to do their job uninterrupted just like you do

SleeplessWB · 22/04/2023 11:23

Restforabit · 22/04/2023 09:15

Your children are older, if they are school age though, @SleeplessWB . It’s really hard with preschool aged children. Four plus and they have a little bit of understanding that daddy is at work. Three and below and they just don’t.

Yes, they are now 5 and 7 but we have been doing this since 2020. It is difficult and I absolutely appreciate what you are saying - I would not have wanted my dh there all the way through my mat leave interfering! The onus should be on your dh not to treat the whole house like his office and stick to routines of when he comes out for lunch, where he works etc to give you the space you need.

DonnaRix · 22/04/2023 11:32

I worked from home for a while and there is simply no way I could have done so with the kids at home, even with a nanny. They wouldn’t give me a minutes peace.

chopc · 22/04/2023 13:07

Would a nanny not normally make food for the kids under her care?

Iheartsummertime · 22/04/2023 14:32

Yes but someone still has to make sure there is actual food in the house for the nanny to prepare!

IAmTheWalrus85 · 22/04/2023 14:50

There’s no completely ideal form of childcare. Just like with anything else in life, every option has pros and cons.

And I do think it can be tricky to look after children in a house where a parent is WFH. It depends on the layout of the house and some other things. I find it difficult looking after mine on my day off when DH is at home.

There’s nothing you can do about the food, that’s part and parcel of having a nanny, but I do think you could have a conversation with her about doing cheap or free activities with the children - church playgroups, trips to the park, country walks or whatever. Farm parks and soft play are eye-wateringly expensive and they don’t need to visit them regularly. She’s being paid to entertain/educate them herself, not to take them to expensive children’s attractions.

Is there any way of re-thinking where you work in the house to give yourself more privacy?

TomeTome · 22/04/2023 15:07

Kanaloa · 22/04/2023 09:05

They’re our 5 hours a day. If that length of time wasn’t enough for op I’d turn my notice in. Expecting her to walk around outside with them for longer than that so they don’t disturb op just isn’t reasonable. The issue here is that op doesn’t actually like having a nanny. Expecting the nanny to problem solve that isn’t reasonable.

Show quote history

Well your approach would never lead to OP or the nanny reaching a satisfactory solution would it? So while it sounds very commanding and decisive to hand in your notice it actually just demonstrates that you are unlikely to have the skills needed to make this set up work. I RL when things aren’t working LTB is not the first option nor desirable.

sevenbyseven · 22/04/2023 15:15

A nanny works best for some families, a childminder or nursery for others. I think it's ok to decide a nanny doesn't work for you and give her reasonable notice if you can find a better option.

Alternatively could you work in the office every day she comes? Or some other place? Or would a blend of nanny and nursery work?

Good luck OP.

Kanaloa · 22/04/2023 15:17

TomeTome · 22/04/2023 15:07

Well your approach would never lead to OP or the nanny reaching a satisfactory solution would it? So while it sounds very commanding and decisive to hand in your notice it actually just demonstrates that you are unlikely to have the skills needed to make this set up work. I RL when things aren’t working LTB is not the first option nor desirable.

Show quote history

Nobody has the skills to make this setup work. No nanny has the skills to please an employer who complains about expenses and having to provide food, and wants them out all day every day. The nanny is already meeting her half way and it’s not good enough.

And for what it’s worth, you’d really struggle to find a nanny if you said at interviews ‘by the way, I don’t want a lot of expenses and I don’t want you in the house for the majority of the time, four or five hours is too much and I want you out all of the day for hardly any expenses.’

Restforabit · 22/04/2023 15:22

I agree @Kanaloa

I know MN toddlers happily run around the streets all day wearing puddlesuits, but in reality walks with toddlers tend to be fairly short lived and a bit stressful, if only because they can’t walk for long but most aren’t happy sitting in a pushchair for ages either.

We go to groups in the mornings, followed by the park, followed by lunch out, nap in the car, then have to try to find something for the afternoon, it’s the afternoons that are the killer as there aren’t many things on then. Have tried the library but it doesn’t engage my toddler much. Soft play is expensive. Parks are OK, but an hour max I’d say.

But it’s how it feels. It feels horrible not having a base to return to, it’s hard to explain to be honest.

TomeTome · 22/04/2023 15:39

So what you are saying is the OP needs to understand the cost of trips and food and how and when is reasonable for the children to be out and about….it’s almost like she could do that if she and the nanny discussed it??? Or I guess they could just give up before they’ve tried.

RollingInTheAisles · 22/04/2023 17:11

Restforabit · 22/04/2023 07:00

I have a husband who works from home: only part of the week but he decided these days would be my days off Hmm

It’s reassuring and interesting reading some of these posts which do acknowledge how difficult it is having a parent WFH with small children in the house. I was near tears last week because of it.

DHs work has always involved some WFH, but like (almost) everyone he was based at home after the first lockdown. It was fine in those days: we didn’t have children, so I stayed at one end of the house and he stayed at the other (bungalow.) It did have its downsides: I didn’t feel I could just walk in and out of the kitchen as it was a through route to the dining area where DH was working, and the dining room was transformed into an office. But it was fine.

We had DS in the December of 2020, and I was on maternity leave. That was when I started to find it irritating, then this gradually built to unbearable resentment. I felt like I was constantly ‘on show’ somehow. DS screamed and DH would appear. DS would be napping and DH would pop out. As restrictions eased, I couldn’t have friends round, couldn’t sit in the garden (glass doors and DH there meant I was on display!) I just wanted to lounge around in my pyjamas some days after a bad night and couldn’t!

I went back to work in the September, and DH went back to the office for one day a week, which incidentally put paid to our ‘I’ll drop him off at nursery and you can pick him up’ plans - somehow ended up doing every single drop off and pick up, but whatever - then omicron hit and DH was home again. DS was getting older and more aware of Daddy and the hour and a half between me getting home at around half four and DH finishing work at around 6 dragged on like nothing else on earth, with DH constantly appearing and DS crying, me unable to use the kitchen, DHs conversations being heard … Eventually we did have a conversation along the lines of ‘this is not working’ and moved to a house with a much bigger garden and a separate annexe.

In theory, it should be fine, but it isn’t fine. Fairly or otherwise I can still sense DHs presence even when he’s in the annexe and so can DS, so if DS is playing outside it’s still ‘daddy daddy.’ Plus, DH often decides he’s not going to the annexe and will sprawl out downstairs and shoot me an apologetic, worried look ‘I have a meeting in a bit’ which essentially is his way of telling me to fuck off with DS.

I am utterly drained by it all. I’m pregnant and worn out with having to keep a toddler out and entertained in all weathers, and when people say oh but you don’t have to do that! they don’t really know how incredibly stressful it is dealing with constant tantrums with a husband appearing and reappearing, calm one crying fit down and then we hear DHs voice and again ‘daddy! Where daddy!’

I genuinely do worry on the emotional effect on DS of having a parent there but completely unavailable. I also find it incredibly stifling.

It’s had me near tears this past week and I was for the first time seriously contemplating ending the relationship, just so that I can enjoy the pleasure of sitting in my own home during the day. I don’t think I could but it really has had such an awful effect on me, where I feel so bad tempered and fed up with him being HERE all the time and chased out of my own home.

He’s soon going to be back in the office for three days a week and I’m praying to god this holds as I don’t think a second maternity leave with him here would be one I could survive, to be honest.

I know some of this is off topic to the thread but it’s the first time I’ve seen people acknowledge that a parent WFH causes a huge amount of inconvenience for the parent who is trying to care for small children. Mostly, you get people insisting that if in an office out of the way and if headphones are used then their presence is barely even noticed, and it’s just not true.

This all makes a lot of sense. The stifled bit and how the irritation and discomfort of not being able to relax in your home as a home. It’s the being there while not being there thing. Also the fact that you never really get to be alone in your own home.

NotAnotherBathBomb · 22/04/2023 21:12

BG2015 · 21/04/2023 21:53

£150 a day for a nanny! Wow!

I was a nanny many years ago, don't think I was paid that.

Teachers don't even get that on supply. Wow! I'm stunned.

I'm a nanny and paid more than than a day.

Of course you wouldn't have been paid that years ago, I wasn't either when I first started 7 years ago, do you now understand how inflation works? 🥴

NotAnotherBathBomb · 22/04/2023 21:21

Casilero · 22/04/2023 03:14

I know this is off topic, but do Nanny's really get 150 quid a day net? I'd much rather look after children and take them to soft play and petting zoos and shit. It sounds way better than my own tedious job. Just googling nanny qualification requirements.....

Depends where you are. In London it's not uncommon.

I don't know why people act surprised that nannies earn good money, it is a luxury service.

I do weekend work and charge even more for the (in)convenience Blush

NotAnotherBathBomb · 22/04/2023 21:24

Restforabit · 22/04/2023 07:00

I have a husband who works from home: only part of the week but he decided these days would be my days off Hmm

It’s reassuring and interesting reading some of these posts which do acknowledge how difficult it is having a parent WFH with small children in the house. I was near tears last week because of it.

DHs work has always involved some WFH, but like (almost) everyone he was based at home after the first lockdown. It was fine in those days: we didn’t have children, so I stayed at one end of the house and he stayed at the other (bungalow.) It did have its downsides: I didn’t feel I could just walk in and out of the kitchen as it was a through route to the dining area where DH was working, and the dining room was transformed into an office. But it was fine.

We had DS in the December of 2020, and I was on maternity leave. That was when I started to find it irritating, then this gradually built to unbearable resentment. I felt like I was constantly ‘on show’ somehow. DS screamed and DH would appear. DS would be napping and DH would pop out. As restrictions eased, I couldn’t have friends round, couldn’t sit in the garden (glass doors and DH there meant I was on display!) I just wanted to lounge around in my pyjamas some days after a bad night and couldn’t!

I went back to work in the September, and DH went back to the office for one day a week, which incidentally put paid to our ‘I’ll drop him off at nursery and you can pick him up’ plans - somehow ended up doing every single drop off and pick up, but whatever - then omicron hit and DH was home again. DS was getting older and more aware of Daddy and the hour and a half between me getting home at around half four and DH finishing work at around 6 dragged on like nothing else on earth, with DH constantly appearing and DS crying, me unable to use the kitchen, DHs conversations being heard … Eventually we did have a conversation along the lines of ‘this is not working’ and moved to a house with a much bigger garden and a separate annexe.

In theory, it should be fine, but it isn’t fine. Fairly or otherwise I can still sense DHs presence even when he’s in the annexe and so can DS, so if DS is playing outside it’s still ‘daddy daddy.’ Plus, DH often decides he’s not going to the annexe and will sprawl out downstairs and shoot me an apologetic, worried look ‘I have a meeting in a bit’ which essentially is his way of telling me to fuck off with DS.

I am utterly drained by it all. I’m pregnant and worn out with having to keep a toddler out and entertained in all weathers, and when people say oh but you don’t have to do that! they don’t really know how incredibly stressful it is dealing with constant tantrums with a husband appearing and reappearing, calm one crying fit down and then we hear DHs voice and again ‘daddy! Where daddy!’

I genuinely do worry on the emotional effect on DS of having a parent there but completely unavailable. I also find it incredibly stifling.

It’s had me near tears this past week and I was for the first time seriously contemplating ending the relationship, just so that I can enjoy the pleasure of sitting in my own home during the day. I don’t think I could but it really has had such an awful effect on me, where I feel so bad tempered and fed up with him being HERE all the time and chased out of my own home.

He’s soon going to be back in the office for three days a week and I’m praying to god this holds as I don’t think a second maternity leave with him here would be one I could survive, to be honest.

I know some of this is off topic to the thread but it’s the first time I’ve seen people acknowledge that a parent WFH causes a huge amount of inconvenience for the parent who is trying to care for small children. Mostly, you get people insisting that if in an office out of the way and if headphones are used then their presence is barely even noticed, and it’s just not true.

Thank you so much for acknowledging this as a parent. With us, it's a boss that is always at home, always able to listen in, and you can never shake that feeling of having someone looking over your shoulder. I've been lucky, but so many nannies have parents bursting through the moment a child sheds a tear. It's soul-destroying.

Bluebells1970 · 22/04/2023 21:39

It's just teething issues OP. Let things settle. Talk to her about it.

Some kids thrive in nurseries but a lot don't. Same with a childminder. In their own home, they're able to be less stressed, less over stimulated and with a consistent carer. And far less exposure to viruses and infections which is a massive bonus. You just need to define your space and hers, that's all.