Page 4 | to ask if literally anyone feels they are paid adequate child maintenance? I'm feeling desperate

hadenlugff · 2023-04-21T14:39:15+00:00

Just that really. I’m paid 570 but it won’t even cover half of the nursery fees let alone wrap around care and everything else. Not only that but it’s not even guaranteed so I can’t rely on it… and that’s fucking awful as I should be able to have some assurance that I won’t be left entirely to raise a child that is half someone else’s. I know people have it worse, it’s not a race to then bottom. I’m just dreading dc starting nursery in autumn and dont know how I will manage. Is anyone happy with what they get for maintenance? Ever? It feels so shit.

NoSquirrels · 21/04/2023 19:00

How many DC do you have? It reads like one baby starting nursery in the autumn (so after maternity leave ends)? If so, is nursery really more than £1,000 after tax-free childcare? And why do you need wraparound? If it’s to cover more than 1 DC then that’s more difficult.

Yazo · 21/04/2023 19:00

Even full time earnings don't cover childcare so I don't think maintenance will ever be that amount. Really difficult I know. My brother pays maintenance and gave his ex £30k and doesn't even have a job or anywhere to live but she complains it's not enough. She's never worked, ever.

Bk1000 · 21/04/2023 19:01

I get 320 for 3 kids. I know my ex earns more than he is claiming he does, he is Self-Employed so fixed his books anyway he likes.

We are living on the bones of our arse and then he swans in every second weekend and takes the kids away for a weekend of trips away or days out and meals out every day. While claiming he can’t afford to contribute any extra towards Dcs activities or school uniform or childcare.

Last week I suggested he buy dc more socks while there were away for a weeks holiday with him as we were running short and I couldn’t pack enough for the week, he said he couldn’t afford it so in the end I had to give him money to buy the socks 🤷‍♀️

PopGoesTheProsecco · 21/04/2023 19:10

trevthecat · 21/04/2023 18:24

I should get 290 for 2 kids. He has no contact. I use cms. Sometimes he pays, sometimes he doesn't. Nearly 5k in arrears. He is in the forces so regular wage. Cms do the minimum to nag him even though I nag at every missed payment. The cms needs a overhaul and a new system putting in place with harsher consequences for non payment

The CMS is rubbish.

My ExH claimed expenses for picking up the kids. He doubled the petrol costs.

I sent them his email where he admitted the actual true petrol costs, sent them a screen shot from a website that costs your journey and a link to a gvt site that sets a cost per mile sort of thing (all ‘evidence’ pointed to petrol costs being around £80 or less).

I explained that the four days he had them a month were on the basis of EOW not every week.

They approved his full claim, backdated it and applied it to the two remaining months in that maintenance payment year.

Oh and he still asks me to drop off and pick up the kids on occasions.

When the London ULEZ gets extended I’ll definitely be refusing.

PopGoesTheProsecco · 21/04/2023 19:32

Bk1000 · 21/04/2023 19:01

I get 320 for 3 kids. I know my ex earns more than he is claiming he does, he is Self-Employed so fixed his books anyway he likes.

We are living on the bones of our arse and then he swans in every second weekend and takes the kids away for a weekend of trips away or days out and meals out every day. While claiming he can’t afford to contribute any extra towards Dcs activities or school uniform or childcare.

Last week I suggested he buy dc more socks while there were away for a weeks holiday with him as we were running short and I couldn’t pack enough for the week, he said he couldn’t afford it so in the end I had to give him money to buy the socks 🤷‍♀️

Oh that’s really crap! Why do paying parents do this - to their own children!

I appreciate I get more maintenance than you do for your three, but I really get where you’re coming from. My ExH and the OW earn loads more than me and when the kids are with them, they have trips, meals and outings that I simply can’t afford to provide.

Sometimes I feel really crap about it, at other times I just try to remember that he’s done three school runs in ten years and that I’m the one they alway come to for support/help/advice.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 21/04/2023 19:42

trevthecat · 21/04/2023 18:24

I should get 290 for 2 kids. He has no contact. I use cms. Sometimes he pays, sometimes he doesn't. Nearly 5k in arrears. He is in the forces so regular wage. Cms do the minimum to nag him even though I nag at every missed payment. The cms needs a overhaul and a new system putting in place with harsher consequences for non payment

Forces should be an easy wage deduction. There’s zero excuse for CMS in that one.

Can I recommend something that worked with my ex - I enquired with the welfare office for his service if my request for a deduction because he wasn’t paying should go to CMS or them. Played the dumb card… It’s amazing how compliant he became when some senior people made it known to them they disapproved…

way more effective than CMS or my Mp.

Saniflo · 21/04/2023 19:42

My ex pays £800 a month for our 2 kids. He also goes halves on big expenses and extras such as private school fees, trips, music lessons and when they need new laptops or music instruments etc. I feel this is far enough. This is a private arrangement not through CSA.

MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 21/04/2023 19:45

Lennybenny · 21/04/2023 17:12

Personally I think with all the benefits single parents recieve, cm as its paid on top of everything should be more than enough for the children.
If you don't recieve it regularly, don't count it as income or you will be screwed.
I got £0.

I worked out once how much 'extra' my DC cost vs if I lived alone. Even allowing for the benefits I get for them, ex's half was a few hundred a month.

He pays nothing.

arethereanyleftatall · 21/04/2023 19:45

I never know whether to respond on these threads, but for the sake of balance I will. Yes, I get £1700 a month. He would also buy anything they need or give me more if I asked. He's an arsehole in many ways, but financially, very generous.

Flowersun6 · 21/04/2023 19:51

Lennybenny · 21/04/2023 17:12

Personally I think with all the benefits single parents recieve, cm as its paid on top of everything should be more than enough for the children.
If you don't recieve it regularly, don't count it as income or you will be screwed.
I got £0.

Is that why you hold this bitter opinion? I think it's rather mean of you. So because you got nothing your not happy for others? As you can read on the thread the amounts vary... plus it's not just about money is it? What good is money if the paying party doesn't see their own child? Help out with schoo runs? Sick days?

Or God forbid the paying party actually takes their own child weekly overnight so the mother can have a break! For me money doesn't compensate for the lack of social life and lack of support when it comes to making decisions because commication is so poor.

Mydpisgrumpierthanyours · 21/04/2023 19:55

I get fuck all. He's supposed to pay me (wait for it) £3.50 a week buy doesn't. I'm angry because what is that supposed to buy for a child?
Csa don't give a shit and won't do anything.

usererror99 · 21/04/2023 19:55

my childcare fees are £2k a month (twins plus 1) and I receive £350....I'd love £570

daffodilandtulip · 21/04/2023 19:59

2 DC - £204 a month. This has been a recent change since they don't see him. For most of their lives he paid £52.

He's always been very much "I give you enough of my money."

Whiskeypowers · 21/04/2023 20:04

Three kids zero direct contact allowed and I had to force them to put him on collect and pay so at least it’s actually what he’s supposed to pay as a minimum out of his very well paid job. When he felt like it he paid nothing
now I’m back at work i save it all every month for holidays / expensive purchases for them like a new bike / private tutors / a really nice day out once or twice a month.

I do it all so don’t feel at all guilty that finally after years of hardships and being fucked over by him they get that money. We are now really comfortably off but if it was down to him he’d pay nothing I know it. So good to not rely on it for keeping a roof over our heads or food etc anymore.

the system is completely flawed and they are allowed to get away with all kind of shit

IAmCinderella · 21/04/2023 20:59

Lennybenny · 21/04/2023 17:12

Personally I think with all the benefits single parents recieve, cm as its paid on top of everything should be more than enough for the children.
If you don't recieve it regularly, don't count it as income or you will be screwed.
I got £0.

Huh? Many single parents do not receive benefits. 🙄😆

IAmCinderella · 21/04/2023 21:04

I don't totally disagree but the child's housing costs are also your housing costs and a paying parent will also have their own housing costs to cover.

The non-resident parent should be paying 50% of the additional housing cost necessitated by the child. I.e. if one child the monthly cost of their home - the housing cost the resident parent would pay to live alone, divided by two.

Whether the non-resident finds that expensive or not should be irrelevant. They should have considered that before having children. Their child should come first and they should pay 50% of the costs of housing and raising that child. Why should the resident parent do most of the work and pay a disproportionate share of the child's costs? It's indefensible.

Willyoujustbequiet · 21/04/2023 21:10

IAmCinderella · 21/04/2023 16:58

The rates need changing, significantly, so that they are approximately half of the costs of raising a child and giving them a good life, so equate to half of their housing costs, utility costs, food costs, clothing, reasonable amounts of activities and holidays etc. There is no legitimate argument for this not being done.

There also needs to be a proper system of enforcement as for non-payment of Council tax or other tax evasion: criminal prosecution and prison sentences. Social stigma. Also other deterrents such as confiscation of passports and driving licences.

This.

It wouldn't be like this if the vast majority of single parents were men.

Tiamaria86 · 21/04/2023 21:16

IAmCinderella · 21/04/2023 21:04

I don't totally disagree but the child's housing costs are also your housing costs and a paying parent will also have their own housing costs to cover.

The non-resident parent should be paying 50% of the additional housing cost necessitated by the child. I.e. if one child the monthly cost of their home - the housing cost the resident parent would pay to live alone, divided by two.

Whether the non-resident finds that expensive or not should be irrelevant. They should have considered that before having children. Their child should come first and they should pay 50% of the costs of housing and raising that child. Why should the resident parent do most of the work and pay a disproportionate share of the child's costs? It's indefensible.

So are you saying if you have one child and a mortgage the paying parent should pay half of that mortgage?

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 21/04/2023 21:18

There also needs to be a proper system of enforcement as for non-payment of Council tax or other tax evasion: criminal prosecution and prison sentences. Social stigma. Also other deterrents such as confiscation of passports and driving licences.

Thats already all available. It’s just not used because there is zero political will to do so.

The range of sanctions actually available to CMS is wide and varied, but they just don’t use them much.

Given the reason that maintenance was stopped from counting as income toward benefits it really does say it all about the political opinion (of many governments and various colours) toward the issue.

IMO a societal change is needed before anything will change politically. It needs to become as socially unacceptable to not pay toward your kids as it is to drink drive before anything will change. While it’s acceptable to someone’s Mum/Dad/sibling/mates that they don’t pay it’s going to remain acceptable to their MP.

Whiskeypowers · 21/04/2023 21:21

IAmCinderella · 21/04/2023 20:59

Huh? Many single parents do not receive benefits. 🙄😆

Show quote history

many single parents don’t receive any benefit except child benefit but funnily enough there are a lot of high earners amongst us single parents who pass that threshold

so much stigma and judgment

MilkshakeEarthquake · 21/04/2023 21:22

I don't think it will ever be socially unacceptable, whenever I've complained about not getting any CM I've been told not to "rely on it" as if I ever have, I've never received any to rely on!

Whiskeypowers · 21/04/2023 21:22

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 21/04/2023 21:18

There also needs to be a proper system of enforcement as for non-payment of Council tax or other tax evasion: criminal prosecution and prison sentences. Social stigma. Also other deterrents such as confiscation of passports and driving licences.

Thats already all available. It’s just not used because there is zero political will to do so.

The range of sanctions actually available to CMS is wide and varied, but they just don’t use them much.

Given the reason that maintenance was stopped from counting as income toward benefits it really does say it all about the political opinion (of many governments and various colours) toward the issue.

IMO a societal change is needed before anything will change politically. It needs to become as socially unacceptable to not pay toward your kids as it is to drink drive before anything will change. While it’s acceptable to someone’s Mum/Dad/sibling/mates that they don’t pay it’s going to remain acceptable to their MP.

Couldn’t agree more

EnglishRose1320 · 21/04/2023 21:32

I've never had any personal experience of CMS, but several of my friends have and it seems so varied. I have a couple who exes are vile and just stop working every time they are chased, some that pay the minimum and some that pay over.
One friend gets nearly £1000 a month for two children, she doesn't have childcare costs and she grumbles that it's not enough.
Another doesn't get loads, but the ex does pay half for school uniforms/trips etc... and if the children are ill he takes time off work, and that friend seems happier with the arrangement.
Then another doesn't get any money at all, but that was a mutual decision because her ex gave her his half of the family home instead of any maintenance.

So I think it's a total mix as to whether people feel they get enough, but some do, probably not enough though.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 21/04/2023 21:34

MilkshakeEarthquake · 21/04/2023 21:22

I don't think it will ever be socially unacceptable, whenever I've complained about not getting any CM I've been told not to "rely on it" as if I ever have, I've never received any to rely on!

I don’t think it’ll ever be socially unacceptable because so many people don’t see what their son/daughter/partner/mate is doing as neglect or unfair.

If you say to someone “X amount of men (it’s predominantly men so I’m not going to faff) don’t pay toward their children. The amount of money owned to children in the U.K. is X billion pounds” they’ll think it’s awful. They’ll even agree that something should be done about those people.

Point out that Steve or Dave does exactly that and it’s “well that’s different because Mary spends all his money on hair/nails/nights out”.

Every time. Folks just won’t make that correlation between their people and those people.

Densol57 · 21/04/2023 21:35

PurpleBugz · 21/04/2023 17:49

I have two dads paying. The first I feel no it's not enough. Not when i worked so much and had no spare money and he had money spare for luxuries. But now our child is older and disabled I can't even work - shockingly I'm better off on benefits now.

The second dad is a very good earner and his money defiantly covers the cost of the baby. Seeing as I'm home anyway not working if I was maybe I would feel differently. But I was talked into this baby it was supposed to be a loving family I didn't want to be a single parent again I was done having kids. So I feel so very angry with him that he gets to go back to single life with massive disposable income and I'm left holding the baby. Baby!! Like why get someone pregnant then bail on the relationship immediately. He can't even be bothered to see his child regularly.

We can't really argue over amount as all parents earn differently. It's about the quality of life they can still afford while we struggle that's the problem.

So you had no part in getting pregnant and having the baby ?