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AIBU?

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Original poster

to ask if literally anyone feels they are paid adequate child maintenance? I'm feeling desperate

282 replies

hadenlugff · 21/04/2023 15:39

Just that really. I’m paid 570 but it won’t even cover half of the nursery fees let alone wrap around care and everything else.

Not only that but it’s not even guaranteed so I can’t rely on it… and that’s fucking awful as I should be able to have some
assurance that I won’t be left entirely to raise a child that is half someone else’s.

I know people have it worse, it’s not a race to then bottom. I’m just dreading dc starting nursery in autumn and dont know how I will manage. Is anyone happy with what they get for maintenance? Ever? It feels so shit.

OP posts:
Badbudgeter · 22/04/2023 22:27

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Hardly a business. Possibly good at choosing responsible men. I also have four dc and the more money you have, the more opportunities you’re able to give them. My monthly income is about 3.2k. Vast majority of that goes to my dc to house/ feed/clothe/ activities/ lessons/ paying for petrol to chauffeur them around. I spend hardly anything on myself.

My income is also diminished by having dc. I was earning 40k when I had my eldest 12 years ago.

Badbudgeter · 22/04/2023 22:29

Curtains70 · 22/04/2023 08:07

So you all live off benefits you just want some of her benefits?

Show quote history

I thought that as well. I struggle to imagine this happening in the real world.

underneaththeash · 22/04/2023 22:37

Lioney · 21/04/2023 17:27

£0 for 4 dc... Exdp is self employed.

So you check tax and if none - just report to HMRC.
mor you do what a friend of mine did. No CM so dropped them off with nothing one week and said that okay we’ll just do 50/50.
then he paid.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 22/04/2023 22:45

I get 170 for 1 x dc and tbh don't really want any more from him.

Im happy to have what the cms say he should pay for his son and not a penny more. I left him because I didn't want my life entwined with his so, to me, taking more money from him is something I don't want to do.

Having said that, it's a good job I don't want any more really because he wouldn't pay it and I'd just be narky over it so it would just cause hassle.

Fwiw, I do think the cms is shit at what they do and I think the amounts are pitiful.

thethreemuskateers · 22/04/2023 23:05

I get 100 for two children one of which is 17, as soon as we split he started working cash in hand.

SueVineer · 23/04/2023 00:01

Crumpleton · 21/04/2023 17:16

Surely where regular payments like child care costs are concerned the cost should be split 50/50 before any other CM is worked out.

I’m a single mum but I recognize that isn’t possible in many cases. Lots of single mums do get UC for childcare (I never did). I do think men should be paying a fair share but equally two households are expensive and many single parents do get state help.

my ex paid nothing for years- i had a really busy job and a live in nanny that cost thousands a month. We remain on good terms for the sake of the kids but I can’t imagine why men think that’s acceptable.

secretskillrelationships · 23/04/2023 07:36

It’s not great, but don’t know what the answer is. Mine didn’t pay maintenance for the first 2.5 years as wasn’t earning (though burnt through capital), then reduced it because he was living with someone with a child. The irony is that that child’s father was paying more in maintenance for one than mine for 3, plus he also paid school fees on top.

I think it’s wrong that maintenance gets reduced for children already born as they have two parents responsible for them, not clear why they should have three, meaning the other children have less than two. Not sure it should be reduced for new children either but it’s less clear cut.

milkysmum · 23/04/2023 08:08

I get £0 for 2 children. Ex is self employed builder. I tried to go through child maintenance services and they worked out I was entitled to £7 per week. I know ex earns between £500-750 per week but that obviously isn't going through the books. Cancelled the claim as it's an insult and pointless.

worried4698643 · 23/04/2023 08:14

No. Absolutely nothing and no contribution to uniform or trips etc. he sees them one night a month.

BibbleandSqwauk · 23/04/2023 08:24

@milkysmum I read back during lockdown that people who did this missed out on furlough payments...made me smile at the time that some of these twats had it backfire on them. It really is appalling and says a lot about how our society (doesn't) value women in the workplace that they sooner hand out UC than enforce maintenance. Ultimately, I think two main things are needed:

  1. Make CMS a part of HMRC with the same approach to avoidance / evasion. True earning info would be much easier to collect and non payment easier to deal with.
  2. Huge investment in training and personnel so each individual case could be scrutinized and allocated a specific person who wasn't overwhelmed with caseload and who could get the measure of pisstakers on either side.
Even without root and branch reform of the actual percentages or penalties, those two things would , I think, have a huge impact on its efficacy as an agency.
Itslookinggood · 23/04/2023 08:29

CMS really needs reform. It only seems to work in strqightforward cases where NRP is on PAYE (and even then not always).

my ex is self-employed, then went to a limited company. He pays a pittance, despite having 7-figure assets and making £40,000 a year pension contributions.

I appealed, but after a year, and after a complaint from me, he was not required to pay more due to the above.

i am still recovering after 15 yrs of DA - including financial. Feels like being financially abused all over again, but this time by the system and EXH combined.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 23/04/2023 08:36

The only thing that’s needed is proper funding in CMS and political will to use their powers.

I worked there briefly and as a RP who’d had to really fight I knew more of their powers on the first day than the guy training me…

SueVineer · 23/04/2023 10:35

IAmCinderella · 21/04/2023 21:04

I don't totally disagree but the child's housing costs are also your housing costs and a paying parent will also have their own housing costs to cover.

The non-resident parent should be paying 50% of the additional housing cost necessitated by the child. I.e. if one child the monthly cost of their home - the housing cost the resident parent would pay to live alone, divided by two.

Whether the non-resident finds that expensive or not should be irrelevant. They should have considered that before having children. Their child should come first and they should pay 50% of the costs of housing and raising that child. Why should the resident parent do most of the work and pay a disproportionate share of the child's costs? It's indefensible.

Because the nrp may not be able to afford to pay anything. Equally the rp may not be able to afford it but they will get benefits to pay rent which includes the child if that’s the case. I’d like to see better enforcement and culture around men paying for their kids but we have to be practical too.

tatteddear · 23/04/2023 11:08

I get just under what the csa tell him he should pay. But he is a high earner so I get a lot £950, for two children. I'm happy with it.
People say 'you are so lucky' and I am in that there is no issue with the payment but I don't feel lucky to get that amount (though I do rely on it), I very much enabled him to become the high earner he is (and still do by cutting my less well paid hours to look after dd2 who has had some troubled years), and the amount is commensurate to our relative situations.

BibbleandSqwauk · 23/04/2023 11:22

There are so many differences in the financial positions of the two parents. Off the top of my head, the RP, in order to fulfill their parental duties must:
Have sufficient bedroom and living space for the majority if not all of the time
Ideally have some decent outside space
Live in a safe neighbourhood
Live in catchment of good schools
Live in proximity to good nurseries or where there is good childcare provision
Live near enough to work that drop offs and pick ups are feasible
Live near family support
Run a car or have good public transport links
Heat, light and broadband for children all the time
Food, snacks, bus fare, social activities, hobbies, clothes, kit, tech, toys.
Limit their earning potential due to availability
Limit their pension contributions to provide all of the above
Pay for childcare (over and above any UC they may or may not get)
Pay for ad hoc childcare to have any kind of social life of their own

The NRP if they are EOW types must:
Provide a bed and heat, food, light for 4 days a month - no other requirements really necessary for such short times
Ideally, (but many dont) provide clothes, shoes, toys, books, outside space
Pay 20% of their gross income which they can legally reduce with pension contribution increases )ie directly taking money from their child to keep for themselves).

Not really even is it? I totally disagree that an NRP will have all the associated living costs that an RP does even when the kids are not with them - as shown above there are many disparities. Couple that with the inequality of earning POTENTIAL and its not hard to see how unequal it is. Oh also, the NRP is far more likely to be able to form and foster a new relationship that may lead to cohabitation which halves their rent etc, and they may even get to reduce the CMS at that point for kids that the new partner already has. Another "advantage".

MrsChuckBass · 23/04/2023 14:01

I have 2DC in primary school
ExH pays
£400 maintenance standing order
All school dinners into the online account
Random cash each week (usually between £25-£50 depending if he's done extra hours at work)
He has them 2 nights every week and half the holidays

I'm happy with that, I have no childcare costs and earn more than enough on my own before factoring maintenance etc in

Flowersun6 · 23/04/2023 14:12

tatteddear · 23/04/2023 11:08

I get just under what the csa tell him he should pay. But he is a high earner so I get a lot £950, for two children. I'm happy with it.
People say 'you are so lucky' and I am in that there is no issue with the payment but I don't feel lucky to get that amount (though I do rely on it), I very much enabled him to become the high earner he is (and still do by cutting my less well paid hours to look after dd2 who has had some troubled years), and the amount is commensurate to our relative situations.

Do you honestly think your ex wouldn't of been a higher earner without you?

dizzygirl1 · 23/04/2023 14:25

I don't get anything, he thinks that is why i receive UC and CB. I pay all costs for them, all clothes (some cheap bits bought for his house by him or Christmas presents). He has them 5 nights over 14 but pays nothing for school, sports, or anything else.
When the youngest started secondary, I went uniform shopping, he had to take me as I wasn't able to drive. £190 in the uniform shop and not even a 'do you want anything towards it'
I looked at CMS, in theory he should pay £340 a month 🤣
That would make my life a lot easier!

milafawny · 23/04/2023 14:29

I get £29 as its deducted from benefits since he stopped working. From when he was working im owed nearly £9k which ill never see and hes not forced to make payments towrads as hes in benefits.

Thats for 3 teenagers. £29 doesnt even buy them a takeaway once a month these days. I work all hours to provide everything they need and some of what they want.

The system is broken.

BibbleandSqwauk · 23/04/2023 15:20

@Flowersun6 I assume the pint being made is that he wouldn't be a father and have achieved what he did without a willing partner doing all the regular and ad hoc childcare. He might be CEO or whatever but not AND an adequate parent.

taxpayer1 · 23/04/2023 16:10

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YetMoreNewBeginnings · 23/04/2023 16:23

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it’s always like bingo when you appear on threads

BibbleandSqwauk · 23/04/2023 16:28

@taxpayer1 how do you know that? Seriously..what is your basis for that statement? I've read plenty of posts from graduate women, on similar career paths to their male partners who then stepped back to enable the father to work unencumbered by childcare concerns..to stay late, travel overseas, schmooze clients, with no issues about child's sickness or inset days or nativity plays. Yes, you could argue that was their choice but I can totally see how it would have seemed like the obvious one in the context of a seemingly stable marriage . I think that's starting to change but still some considerable way to go.

Flowersun6 · 23/04/2023 16:32

BibbleandSqwauk · 23/04/2023 15:20

@Flowersun6 I assume the pint being made is that he wouldn't be a father and have achieved what he did without a willing partner doing all the regular and ad hoc childcare. He might be CEO or whatever but not AND an adequate parent.

I strongly disagree. It's a man's world. All I can say is if I ever had a DD I won't be pushing that narrative.

Skybluepinky · 23/04/2023 17:01

Sounds reasonable, a lot more than others.