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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if literally anyone feels they are paid adequate child maintenance? I'm feeling desperate

282 replies

hadenlugff · 21/04/2023 15:39

Just that really. I’m paid 570 but it won’t even cover half of the nursery fees let alone wrap around care and everything else.

Not only that but it’s not even guaranteed so I can’t rely on it… and that’s fucking awful as I should be able to have some
assurance that I won’t be left entirely to raise a child that is half someone else’s.

I know people have it worse, it’s not a race to then bottom. I’m just dreading dc starting nursery in autumn and dont know how I will manage. Is anyone happy with what they get for maintenance? Ever? It feels so shit.

OP posts:
OnlyYellowRoses · 21/04/2023 17:26

@Wc100423 no. I don't need to, between my salary and the maintenance I'm ok.

Lioney · 21/04/2023 17:27

£0 for 4 dc... Exdp is self employed.

thisismethen · 21/04/2023 17:28

My husband used to pay child chopper for his child who lived abroad. Since their divorce he paid £1300 a month to his ex who lived in a country where the cost of living is not high. He would continue to pay this even when his son was staying with us (for every holiday, so approx 5 months of the year). He paid this every month for 17 years. The only reason he doesn't pay anymore is that his son lives here in our country now, and is 23 and earns his own very good wage. His dad helped him to get this job.

My husband paid this much for so long because if he didn't his ex made it difficult for him to see his son. Money wasn't worth this this him, his son was too important so he always paid.

So what you are going through OP is terrible and shouldn't happen, and is all too common. But I also wanted to acknowledge that not all men are the same. Some do whatever they can and do so to make sure they have a wonderful relationship with their children.

MelBushman · 21/04/2023 17:38

My Dad didn’t even pay enough to cover my lunch at school. My Mum had to pay all of my living expenses, school costs, etc as well as school meals for the two days my Dad’s ‘support’ didn’t cover.

My Mum’s family helped with childcare, including when my parents were still together and my Dad was at home!

She had to do pretty much everything herself. Oddly enough, my Dad and I aren’t particularly close…

Iamnobirdandnonetensresme · 21/04/2023 17:39

My ex paid £200 a month for 1 child but used to plead poverty at this despite the CMS calculator showing he should have paid almost £400. I didn't chase it as his lovely mum used to look after our child 2 full days a week when i worked which was actually a better outcome for me and my daughter loved her Grandma.
It still gets me cross though how men can and do let their families down

scruffiee · 21/04/2023 17:47

Crumpleton · 21/04/2023 17:16

Surely where regular payments like child care costs are concerned the cost should be split 50/50 before any other CM is worked out.

It doesn't work like that.

Flowersun6 · 21/04/2023 17:47

marshmallowsforbreakfast · 21/04/2023 16:25

Self employed ex. Should pay over £400 per month however I don't get that. I occasionally get the odd £200 but there's no pattern to it and I can't rely on it. Unfortunately society vilifies women who ask for money to help raise their children and makes them out to be grabby. Don't even get me started on how CMS can be reduced because a none resident parent lives with another child that isn't their own and then that resident parent receives CMS for them. Crazy.

Have you asked for a mandatory reconsideration? If not I would try it. DWP have wrote to me as I have passed that stage...hopefully in 4 weeks I will find out if the case will go to a tribunal

PurpleBugz · 21/04/2023 17:49

I have two dads paying. The first I feel no it's not enough. Not when i worked so much and had no spare money and he had money spare for luxuries. But now our child is older and disabled I can't even work - shockingly I'm better off on benefits now.

The second dad is a very good earner and his money defiantly covers the cost of the baby. Seeing as I'm home anyway not working if I was maybe I would feel differently. But I was talked into this baby it was supposed to be a loving family I didn't want to be a single parent again I was done having kids. So I feel so very angry with him that he gets to go back to single life with massive disposable income and I'm left holding the baby. Baby!! Like why get someone pregnant then bail on the relationship immediately. He can't even be bothered to see his child regularly.

We can't really argue over amount as all parents earn differently. It's about the quality of life they can still afford while we struggle that's the problem.

Flowersun6 · 21/04/2023 17:52

I currently get £250 a month but recently ex has gone "self employed" still paying me privately I don't trust him. I don't struggle per say but extra would be appreciated. He doesn't go halves on things like school dinners or yearly new uniforms in September.

Have you tried UC calculator OP can you get any help with nursery fees?

Divorcedalongtime · 21/04/2023 17:54

I get none for our three children because he is self employed and claims to not earn anything…
the kids will know that I paid for everything since they were tiny.

Plankingplanks · 21/04/2023 17:54

I got £6.70 a week!!!

Shergill15 · 21/04/2023 18:08

DD's dad pays about £300 a month, which covers the utility bills basically. I'm glad he does this as I'd really struggle without, however it's a drop in the ocean when you take into account food, school uniform, activities, wrap around care etc.

He lives abroad in his parents house, so has none of his own housing/utility costs etc. He has no regular contact with DD, gets her nothing (nor makes any contribution) for her birthday or Christmas etc.

greyhairnomore · 21/04/2023 18:12

Lennybenny · 21/04/2023 17:12

Personally I think with all the benefits single parents recieve, cm as its paid on top of everything should be more than enough for the children.
If you don't recieve it regularly, don't count it as income or you will be screwed.
I got £0.

So all single parents get benefits ? They don't think so.

greyhairnomore · 21/04/2023 18:12

*I don't think so.

Tiamaria86 · 21/04/2023 18:17

IAmCinderella · 21/04/2023 16:58

The rates need changing, significantly, so that they are approximately half of the costs of raising a child and giving them a good life, so equate to half of their housing costs, utility costs, food costs, clothing, reasonable amounts of activities and holidays etc. There is no legitimate argument for this not being done.

There also needs to be a proper system of enforcement as for non-payment of Council tax or other tax evasion: criminal prosecution and prison sentences. Social stigma. Also other deterrents such as confiscation of passports and driving licences.

I don't totally disagree but the child's housing costs are also your housing costs and a paying parent will also have their own housing costs to cover.

trevthecat · 21/04/2023 18:24

I should get 290 for 2 kids. He has no contact. I use cms. Sometimes he pays, sometimes he doesn't. Nearly 5k in arrears. He is in the forces so regular wage. Cms do the minimum to nag him even though I nag at every missed payment. The cms needs a overhaul and a new system putting in place with harsher consequences for non payment

Mumma · 21/04/2023 18:24

I dont have anything. We go half on anything needed and 60/40 split on where she stays. He provides for her when shes there and vice versa

Singleandproud · 21/04/2023 18:26

When DD was small ex job hopped so he didn't have to pay, I didn't work as couldn't afford childcare. As soon as DD went to (free) Nursery I went back to work. I now earn almost double what ex earns as he screwed himself over with his job hopping. He pays £200 a month now which seems fair to what his income is. DD seems to have also gotten cheaper as she's gotten older, not into labels would rather spend £20 in a charity shop than on branded clothing.

Smoky1107 · 21/04/2023 18:32

Mine is fair I feel. What I feel is not is that he contributes not a penny more, no pocket money, no help in school holidays. Won't even give the eldest a bit of petrol money when they drive to see him. He just says no and that's always been his stock answer. So day to day his money is fair but he supports the children in no other way, and only sees them at Xmas and birthdays

Namechange224422 · 21/04/2023 18:36

Ex pays 300 a month for two children which is nowhere near the cost of raising them. He’ll also pay for really noticeable costs on top of that - eg half a party or some clothes for his house - but won’t pay for less noticeable costs eg half physio costs for youngest. He’s reliable with it and I can rely on it although he says he’s going to drop it to zero when he retires in a few years. He has them 2 nights a month.

I don’t get any other benefits except child benefits and I work to support them. I’m lucky that I earn well so his attitude is frustrating rather than critical.

spanieleyes · 21/04/2023 18:38

Mine are adults now but, 25 years ago, when they were young, I received £2500 increasing to £3000 a month over the 6 years whilst I didn't work. When I started work, it gradually reduced as my salary increased so my income stayed pretty constant for a few years until they finished university. We were never kept short. However, he lived abroad so only saw them for 2-3 weeks a year.

Thelonelychicken · 21/04/2023 18:39

Mine used to pay £350 for three kids. For 3 months. He's now quit his job and I received a payment for £40 and I don't know if he's going to pay anything next month. I've a non molestation order on him so can't contact him.

PopGoesTheProsecco · 21/04/2023 18:52

I get £650 a month for three kids.

I’m not complaining but ExH’s OW once complained: ‘your kids cost us a fortune’.

Managed to bite my tongue…

Ontheperiphery79 · 21/04/2023 18:53

I get £9 a month for 2 DC.

Carsarelife · 21/04/2023 18:56

No, I get £149 monthly for 1 child.
Equates to £37 a week.

I pay £18 after school club x2
£4 breakfast club x3
£2.20 school dinner x3

Plus swimming, gymnastics etc