to ask if literally anyone feels they are paid adequate child maintenance? I'm feeling desperate

[hadenlugff]

Just that really. I’m paid 570 but it won’t even cover half of the nursery fees let alone wrap around care and everything else.

Not only that but it’s not even guaranteed so I can’t rely on it… and that’s fucking awful as I should be able to have some
assurance that I won’t be left entirely to raise a child that is half someone else’s.

I know people have it worse, it’s not a race to then bottom. I’m just dreading dc starting nursery in autumn and dont know how I will manage. Is anyone happy with what they get for maintenance? Ever? It feels so shit.

@katiejames2015 well we'll never know will we, seeing as so many dads have no intention of stepping up. As I've stated repeatedly, I'd love to do 50/50 but ex isn't interested. And if for some reason my kids went to live with him and I was free to work much longer hours or seek promotion I would. @taxpayer1 it's not misandry to point out the fact that there is millions in unpaid child support owed almost entirely by men. And you actually said you'd like to hear my exes side of the story, but now I've given you it and there's not much wriggle room for him coming out if it well, you're not interested. You really can't seem to bear the idea that many many single mothers are a) bearing the burden b) decent earners c) not fitting your stereotype. It's not "martyrish" to lay out the facts of an extremely unequal situation.

I’m paid 120 a month. My son literally eats that in a week 😂

Indeed.

I have to say that one gets the impression that "@taxpayer1 " probably doesn't pay very much tax given that most people who do, do not tend to have such thought patterns and are generally a little more intelligent and nuanced in their responses.

I did state that my respones about that were about fathers who do little or zero parentingso should - as a minimum - pay half of the child(ren)'s living costs, and that if for example a child lives 50/50 with both parents they would both be covering half of their living costs anyway so no transfers of money to cover the costs between parents would be required because those two situations are totally different. The person I was suggesting should live in an HMO is a parent who is doing little parenting at all, AND thinks it's ol for the other parent to do most/ all parenting and pay all costs because they wouldn't be able to live the lifestyle they'd like if they even paid their half of costs (with the other parent still paying their own half AND doing most parenting, too). Obviously that would be unacceptable to anybody with decent moral standards. But if someone's paying the proportionate 50% share of living costs for the time that the parent with main residency has the children, it's fine. Not a complicated equation: living costs x % of time the kids live with you = what you should be paying to/ receiving from the main resident parent.

@BibbleandSqwauk

it's not misandry to point out the fact that there is millions in unpaid child support owed almost entirely by men. And you actually said you'd like to hear my exes side of the story, but now I've given you it and there's not much wriggle room for him coming out if it well, you're not interested

Indeed. I believe it’s about About half a billion pounds ( £480 Million) owed through the CSA in direct pay and collect and pay. And no doubt even more owed to mothers who have never gone through the CMS as they used a family based arrangement.

And that’s not counting the fathers who have falsely declared their income as they work cash in hand or while on benefits, or who funnel their income through their new partner or family members. Or who move abroad to avoid caring for their children.

That’s millions that that fathers have stolen from the mouths of their own children . It’s disgusting.

Diddums.

How does he think that lone single mothers somehow manage to maintain high earning careers then, if apparently this was beyond him if he had to look after his own children just part of the time?

Did you actually read the posts? I soecifically stated - and then reiterated when another poster had done the same as you and not read it properly - that this comment was regarding fathers who have little or no contact with their children at all, and yet expect the mother to do most/ all parenting AND the father not even pay his 50% of the costs. And also specifically said that clearly if the father is actually housing the child 50% of the time, doing 50% of the parenting, and therefore by definition covering 50% of the costs of raising them then that is entirely different and clearly in those circumstances no maintenance should need to be paid at all, and indeed is not legally required to be.

Of course they should?! What a ridiculous question. The whole point is that each parent should pay 50% of the costs of raising their child.

However, how many mothers are you aware of that bugger off and do no parenting and pay a pathetic amount (or nothing) towards their children's upbringing? It doesn't appear to be common. The fact is that many single mothers do ALL of the parenting and pay ALL of the costs. And that there is no effective legal recourse to address these feckless fathers doing nothing for their children, and that society has no will to change that and - absurdly - seems to blame the mothers who are actually doing everything for the situation.

I believe that half a billion pounds is just what is "outstanding" currently: the CMS have "written off" billions of pounds more (without the consent of the parents to whom it is owed). There are no consequences for men behaving in this way. It should be treated like tax evasion. Criminal prosecution, imprisonment, social shaming, be fired from their jobs, passports confiscated, etc.

My ex pays me £100 a month. I've asked for more in the past and he's refused. I'm not prepared to rock the boat. He doesn't see his son and hasn't had any contact for 9 years.

@IAmCinderella you sound very bitter

They are making a number of valid points but actually what is wrong with being bitter about all the legwork cost and general shit being left to you when you didn’t sign up for that

When you are doing everything, paying for everything and watching the other parent fail their child on every level it’s only natural to find some righteous indignation

hope it’s ok - in that spirit - to also find one or two of your posts jaundiced by a very subjective experience and not based on societal observation and actual facts regarding the monumental injustices faced by millions of single mothers at the hands of the CMS and these “fathers”

Here we go again, the martyrdom of single motherhood.

You have more chips on your shoulder than a McCain factory whereas mine and others viewpoints of a similar nature are borne out by the CMS themselves in terms of outstanding monies written off

Furthermore you really ought to consult the dictionary since martyrdom involves death. Thanks fully for the millions of kids being single-handedly raised by single mothers we are still alive unlike these pathetic feckless failures of men who are fathers and parents in name only.

hope that helps with your ignorance misogyny but suspect that’s naively optimistic

Bullying tactics of men haters.

Don't tell me. Did you sacrifice an outstanding career at minimum wage to take care of your children and want to be supported for life like you had any future?

My ex used money as a weapon. He was meant to give me something like £800. I think I received it for 3-4 months then he stopped and played silly buggers. I was happy with that amount given I was working myself too.
I wish I had taken him to court sooner. I did eventually after 4 yrs. Originally I felt I couldn't afford to litigate but it literally costs £200 for the application and if you work out how to self-apply, and then act as a litigant in person the courts HATE HATE HATE exes who fail to pay maintenance. They will automatically bash them. You'll get it all back as long as the ex is working and hasn't had some kind of mental breakdown like my ex

no I didn’t. To give you an idea almost six years after I became a single parent I have no mortgage and the maintenance their father has ripped from his pay every month by the normally useless CMS (so he just have been really shocking) after his appalling conduct is spent on things they’d like but don’t need and put to one side for their futures because he will stop contributing the second he can the sad sack. He’d rather have cancer than see
that I have more money coming in that an him every month. I’ll leave you to work out I’m not on a minimum wage job 😂

you clearly feel like you’ve been shafted through which makes me smile and I suspect you deserve it

have a nice evening. I am.

You confused me with your ignorant comment about martyrdom. I assumed you never used a dictionary before. I will help you this time. Please check the Oxford dictionary before correcting someone next time. It's free!

From the OED:

In extended use: sufferings and penalties involved in maintaining a particular (usually moral or ethical) position or point of view. In later use frequently: exaggerated self-sacrifice.

Like I said “sacrifice”

why don’t you go and find some like minded losers on fathers for justice you’re wasting your time with me. Compared to my ex trust me you are like Tom from the Good Life.

all the best 😊

I get less than £200 a month in maintenance and that's the highest its ever been from the father of my DD.
He has never had her overnight and pays no additional costs for extra curricular activities, school uniform, school photos, childcare etc

Does that mean he fiddles his tax as well? Or do they not check between CMS and tax returns?

Oh are you back @taxpayer1 ? Care to scroll back and respond to my last post from a couple of days ago? Or do the facts of my experience spoil your fantasy narrative?

The sufferings and penalties borne by single mothers is not to maintain a moral or ethical point of view, but to maintain a child. A child they are only 50% responsible for creating.

It's not exaggerated self sacrifice, it's a genuine hard, relentless self sacrifice, and the women here are saying they wouldn't be required to make such a huge sacrifice if the children's fathers would step up and do 50%.

This is the absolute opposite of martyrdom - we are being forced into this position and we'd rather not be thank you very much.

@MeetMyCat I absolute loathe that phrase "you sound bitter". It's gaslighting someone into feeling that they are unjustified in feeling anger over an ongoing situation. This is something I tried to explain to my ex. I am not "bitter" that he upped and left years ago. I am angry (at a rational and not emotionally raging level) with the fact that every single day, every single thing is down to me. I've lost count of the plates I spin on a daily basis trying to keep kids, work, home, me all where they should be. That's not in the past. That's today, tomorrow, everyday for the next decade probably. It's a situation absolute not of my own making and not one I can realistically change since you cannot force an unwilling person parent.