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Original poster

To not “lend” this money to my friend?

326 replies

Moneyfriend · 21/04/2023 15:14

So little back story, I’ve been friends with my friend for 20 years, we’ve seen each other through a lot of things and I do value her friendship.

Recently I won 10,000- not an insignificant amount to me and I haven’t spent it yet. I did plan and probably would’ve given my friend some (I’m not sure exactly how much, but I don’t mind treating friend and usually do to lunch, cinema etc as she’s on slightly lower income than I am)

Anyway, mentioned my win to friend and within around an hour she asked if she could “borrow “ 1000 for her and her bf and her DS8 to go on holiday as they’ve not had one in two years. I don’t think she could pay it back and even so I probably wouldn’t expect her too.

I wouldn’t exactly mind giving friend this amount, it’s just her BF. He’s a new BF, around 4 months and is in my opinion an absolute loser. He’s late 40’s, never kept a job longer than a few months, can’t drive so has DF ferry him about everywhere, has a DC but has never made any effort to meet them and abandoned their mum- moved in with my DF and now she waits on him hand and foot, while he plays PlayStation all day on his arse! and DF is continually defending him saying “oh well he’s just never settled in one job, or he’s been through a lot” so we’ve agreed to disagree now when she asks my opinion of him.

I know I’m going to come across horrible, but I don’t want to give this sponger BF money to go on holiday, but I know I can’t give to my friend with strings attached either and I would like her and her son to have a holiday! Agh!

OP posts:
ThrowAwayOne · 21/04/2023 16:01

Wow she's very cheeky! I would say no, you've got plans for the money and as you've never won that much before you really want to see the value of it by making a big purchase/investment etc. If she's a good enough friend I'd add in that you had planned to do a girls weekend for you and her though but won't be lending out any money.

FloozingThePlot · 21/04/2023 16:02

Kindly, many people haven't had a holiday for 2 years. I think it would be different if you had offered, or if your friend was asking for a smaller amount or for something absolutely essential. Unless there is some massive sad backstory about your friend's circumstances, this is an incredibly cheeky request on her part which you'd be best to refuse.

CheersForThatEh · 21/04/2023 16:05

Just pause for a minute and think about this...

If my friend won any 10k the first thing I would do is be excited for her and ask her what shes going to do with it.

It would never ever cross my mind to think "what can I get out of this".

That's what she is thinking. How horrible is that and why would you want her in your life?

carly2803 · 21/04/2023 16:08

erm no

never "lend" money to friends - you wont see it again and it will ruin your friendship!

Resilience · 21/04/2023 16:09

If you really value the friendship and want to keep it without a confrontation or awkwardness, the simplest thing to do is just tell her you saw a financial advisor as it's such a large sum and you wanted to make it work hard for you. Tell her they recommended an investment policy with a minimum sum that doesn't leave much over. After you've paid a few bills there's barely a few hundred pounds left but you would like to share that with her by having a nice weekend together.

Your friend could be a CF. She could be being manipulated by her new BF. She might think it seems like such a large sum of money that you wouldn't miss a small part of it, especially when you won it unexpectedly. (She clearly doesn't have the best judgment). She might be fine with a straight no, she might not. She might be worthy of your friendship or not. I don't know. But the above avoids the issue if you don't want to face it.

Shinyandnew1 · 21/04/2023 16:10

She wants you to give her a tenth of your money?! No way!

pimplebum · 21/04/2023 16:11

I would never have told friend as it was insensitive to rub her nose in your luck
Shocking she asked
Insist only way she is getting holiday is you and kids only but put boundaries on who pays for what I.e I pay for flights and hotel and 30% of meals out your own spending money and you pay for dinner and drinks 4 nights
You will find out after weeks holiday if this is a friendship for the next 30 years

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 21/04/2023 16:11

Wtf no- there lack of a holiday is nothing to do with you.

ReadersD1gest · 21/04/2023 16:12

Don't even dream of giving it to her, and don't tell any more grabby losers about the money either.

SmirnoffIceIsNice · 21/04/2023 16:13

I haven't had a holiday for 4 years but even if my friend won £50K I wouldn't dream of asking for any of it. What a CF! And within an hour!

Have you responded to her at all? I'd either go for the "Ive put it in to my pension" response, or if you're feeling generous do as others have suggested and invite her on a short break with you, with her DS. If she pushes for her bf to be included then be upfront (as she has) and say she's putting you in an awkward position as you barely know him and don't feel comfortable having him on the holiday. Tell her you don't mind treating her, but not someone who is a virtual stranger to you.

LadyMary50 · 21/04/2023 16:13

billyt · 21/04/2023 15:50

It would be a big fat NO from me, as well.

More than likely it's her cocklodger 'partner' who has suggested this.

Easy way to get a £1000 without having to do anything.

And of course, the 'holiday' won't happen due to one thing or another.

And you won't see any money back.

☝️☝️☝️This..

AgrathaChristie · 21/04/2023 16:16

Nousernamesleftatall · 21/04/2023 15:19

No. Just say you have put it in a pension or investment and don’t ever tell anyone when you come into money again.

This.
And if you want to treat your friend and her ds arrange a weekend away somewhere you know they’ll both like.

user1494050295 · 21/04/2023 16:16

She has probably told him and he has suggested it

Raindancer411 · 21/04/2023 16:17

As others have said either treat her and her DS to a weekend away with you... or just say sorry, I invested it straight into my pension and say no more.

BinnityBoo · 21/04/2023 16:18

You are not going to come across as horrible. Definitely do not lend her that money unless you're happy to never see it again.

Topseyt123 · 21/04/2023 16:19

Tell her a very firm "NO!!" on this. Cheeky mare! I'd find it hard to continue to see her as a friend to be honest, I'd always be worried that she was viewing me as her personal cash cow.

Learn your lesson from this and if you come into some money at any time in the future tell nobody.

Rightsraptor · 21/04/2023 16:20

I'm wondering why OP says she'll come across as horrible?

So far we all seem to think you are being far too kind even considering giving this 'loan' to your friend, OP. I'll join with the others and say 'don't do it'. You're not horrible at all, just sensible and probably a very good friend.

2bazookas · 21/04/2023 16:20

I suspect if you gave her the money it would disappear straight into his pocket and she'd never have a holiday anyway.

BinnityBoo · 21/04/2023 16:21

Also, I wouldn't dream of asking my friend for money! Especially just to go on holiday! I have given money to friends who were skint and desperately needed to eat and not expected it back, and I'm sure my friends would do the same for me. The only person I loan money to is my mam because I know she'll pay me back.

LadyMary50 · 21/04/2023 16:22

Oh dear,I think the she told her bf and he suggested asking for £1000.I don’t think the holiday would happen.£1000 is quite a specific amount.

CantGetDecentNickname · 21/04/2023 16:22

Like others I'd say I'd consulted an advisor and they had advised put it away in long term savings which I had decided to do. You could say that you did this as you were worried that you might fritter it away and knew you needed a safety net instead so it is somewhere where you can't access it.

I'd be quite blunt with her with a MN typical "no, that doesn't work for me" response. She was unbelievably rude to ask you to give/lend her some. You might like her to have a holiday, but you are not obliged to provide it to someone who obviously regards you as a provider for them! I'd take a big step back from being the one who always pays as well, maybe even add up how much you have spent on her in the last year. She and her sponger BF may have a few things in common...

In the meantime, do please get some advice and explore longer term savings until you've decided what you wish to do with it. Saving rates are much better at the moment. Other options are:
make addition payments on a mortgage if you have one, especially if you have a fixed rate that will come to an end soon and go up a lot.

put it in a DCs account as they get better interest rates.

Leolion09 · 21/04/2023 16:23

Nope nope

palelavender · 21/04/2023 16:25

Why do you think you don't deserve to keep this money? Money buys freedom and security and I wouldn't give it away lightly. I cannot even begin to imagine asking for a "loan" in these circumstances. The only circumstances I could imagine would be if we had run out of food or we needed to pay for medical treatment. Your friend (or her boyfriend) is a user. Your friend is significantly less well off than you because she has a history of making bad choices.

Barleysugar86 · 21/04/2023 16:26

Never lend money to friends. I've seen it ruin so many friendships. And it's not even like she's asking for food or school shoes money, this is a nice to have for her at best. Suggest she get an interest free credit card and buy on that instead, some of those you can be up to 18 months before they get charges, if she is so sure she can pay the money back.

ShandaLear · 21/04/2023 16:26

I’d just say, ‘Sorry, bunged the lot in my pension pot’. Job done.

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