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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not “lend” this money to my friend?

326 replies

Moneyfriend · 21/04/2023 15:14

So little back story, I’ve been friends with my friend for 20 years, we’ve seen each other through a lot of things and I do value her friendship.

Recently I won 10,000- not an insignificant amount to me and I haven’t spent it yet. I did plan and probably would’ve given my friend some (I’m not sure exactly how much, but I don’t mind treating friend and usually do to lunch, cinema etc as she’s on slightly lower income than I am)

Anyway, mentioned my win to friend and within around an hour she asked if she could “borrow “ 1000 for her and her bf and her DS8 to go on holiday as they’ve not had one in two years. I don’t think she could pay it back and even so I probably wouldn’t expect her too.

I wouldn’t exactly mind giving friend this amount, it’s just her BF. He’s a new BF, around 4 months and is in my opinion an absolute loser. He’s late 40’s, never kept a job longer than a few months, can’t drive so has DF ferry him about everywhere, has a DC but has never made any effort to meet them and abandoned their mum- moved in with my DF and now she waits on him hand and foot, while he plays PlayStation all day on his arse! and DF is continually defending him saying “oh well he’s just never settled in one job, or he’s been through a lot” so we’ve agreed to disagree now when she asks my opinion of him.

I know I’m going to come across horrible, but I don’t want to give this sponger BF money to go on holiday, but I know I can’t give to my friend with strings attached either and I would like her and her son to have a holiday! Agh!

OP posts:
Innachu · 21/04/2023 21:04

NoSquirrels · 21/04/2023 15:18

Honestly your ‘friend’ is a CF to ask for £1,000. Who does that?

Offer to have a weekend away with her and her DC. Do not invite her loser boyfriend.

This

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 22/04/2023 07:10

Innachu · 21/04/2023 21:04

This

Show quote history

Or just keep the money and don't make any offers?

MinnieGirl · 22/04/2023 07:39

As others have said, you made a big mistake telling her about your win….
But now the damage is done… I would tell her you used some of it to pay off debts and the rest, which isn’t much, has been put into an account you can’t touch for several years. That should close her down, but if it doesn’t and she asks again, tell her you don’t have money for a holiday for yourself.

The other thing I’ve noted is you say you usually pay for her to go to the cinema or lunch as she’s in a slightly lower wage…. That really needs to stop. If she can’t afford to pay for lunch or the cinema why does she go? Lunch doesn’t have to be expensive…. It seems to me that she has got used to you always paying for her. Subtly remind her it’s her turn to stand lunch so she gets to choose where. Be very interesting to see her response.

comingintomyown · 22/04/2023 07:58

I wouldn’t mention her request and if she raises the question again I would axe the friendship, to ask for 10% of your money for a holiday is extraordinary behaviour. Your posts don’t seem to suggest you think it’s out of order of her to ask only that you don’t want to sub her BF but if that was my friend I’d be seriously disappointed and avoiding for a while

raincamepouringdown · 22/04/2023 08:31

OP, if all your 'friends' are like this one, you'll be without any of your own £10k in no time.

Say no. To anyone who asks for your money.

raincamepouringdown · 22/04/2023 08:32

And don't take anyone away anywhere just because you won some money! They're not entitled to holiday/dine out/do things at your expense!

toothachey · 22/04/2023 08:52

I think that's quite cheeky of your friend! I wouldn't be surprised if the BF put her up to it!

But as others have said, put the money in an ISA or something and tell her you can't touch it. At a later point, if you still want to treat her, offer to take her and her child on a 'man-free' holiday.

BusyMum47 · 22/04/2023 09:12

Wow! Congratulations! That's a brilliant windfall that I'm sure you have any number of good uses for - one of which is NOT funding a holiday for your friend & her loser boyfriend - you don't owe her anything!

So what if she hasn't had a holiday for 2 years? LOTS of people haven't! It's a bloody luxury for most people in this current economic climate. £1000 is a tenth of what you've won - that's a massive chunk!

Who does she think she is?? That request would really piss me off! I'm a VERY generous, laid back friend & think nothing of treating people where I can etc. but there's no way I'd give in to that! How rude!! It says something about her that she'd ask like that. Where would she draw the line? If you'd inherited a large sum as a result of suffering a loss, would she still have asked? Why does she feel entitled to YOUR money? It's irrelevant how you came by that money!

Stop feeling guilty about the prospect of refusing & trying to come up with alternatives to pacify her - just say NO!

Mycatisaqueen · 22/04/2023 09:38

Some great ideas here - definitely tell her it's tied up in an ISA or something, and you can't touch it.

Her reaction will tell you all you need to know about your friendship.

justanotherdrama · 22/04/2023 10:51

No no no
Not until she gets rid of that loose then you go away with her not him!

BTMadmummy · 22/04/2023 11:31

TomatoSandwiches · 21/04/2023 18:39

Be prepared op, when you say no that she will come back a week or so later with an unexpected expense. The washing machine/fridge is broken and it will be can you lend us £500 for this or that.
I wouldn't be answering the phone to her for a while.

Great response by @TomatoSandwiches

Be very careful of this

ScribblingPixie · 22/04/2023 12:46

Good point from @TomatoSandwiches. Another good reason to say you've put the money away in an account that can't be touched.

Thesharkradar · 22/04/2023 12:59

It sounds as if getting the op to be the one who paid for all the outings was laying the groundwork for the next stage of the process!

billy1966 · 22/04/2023 13:43

BTMadmummy · 22/04/2023 11:31

Great response by @TomatoSandwiches

Be very careful of this

Show quote history

Wise words indeed @TomatoSandwiches

AllIeveknewonlyou · 22/04/2023 13:52

It sounds like you didn't react at the time OP?

It's safe in your bank account?

dittbtdity · 22/04/2023 14:10

Beamur · 21/04/2023 15:20

That's really cheeky of her to ask.
Tell her you've locked it into a savings account and can't access it until next year while you decide what to do with it.

Good idea, say its locked away for 5 years.

Never tell people about your financial situation. It's an invitation to come out of the woodwork with palm outstretched.

Therealjudgejudy · 22/04/2023 15:35

I cannot believe the cheek of her.

If she wants a holiday, suggest her scrounger partner gets a job to pay for it.

Her behaviour is outrageous

Murdoch1949 · 22/04/2023 17:33

Give her nothing, she'll squander it on new bf. Instead take her and son to Centre Parcs or Haven for a weekend, bf not invited. That would be sufficient.

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 22/04/2023 17:49

I had a 'friend' like this, suffice to say after many years of 'lending' her money and never getting it back, we aren't friends anymore. I think if you've been friends with her for 20 years, you are quite within your rights to tell her you don't feel comfortable lending her that amount of money, when you know she would feel under pressure never pay it back and that maybe if her BF wad in work they would be able to afford a holiday. Her BF is her life choice, not yours and you are under no obligation to fund his laziness.

Gemcat1 · 22/04/2023 18:13

I would suggest that you offer your BF to go on holiday with you rather than give her money to do so. Once you give your DF any money you don't know what she will spend it on. If you don't mind then fair enough, but there isn't much of a holiday that 3 can buy so it could go on her BF instead. As for not having a holiday for 2 years, so? We both worked and couldn't afford to go away for a holiday when our kids were young, we just did day trips. She can use vouchers for that, newspapers do them or she could look online.

Coyoacan · 22/04/2023 18:22

I can't believe the cheek of her and would be rethinking the friendship

SallyWD · 22/04/2023 18:22

You shouldn't have mentioned the money and I can't believe she had the cheek to ask. You've said this is a lot of money for you. Use it wisely: invest it, save it, put it in a pension. Don't fritter it away like that.

evuscha · 22/04/2023 18:32

Wow, I would struggle to accept if my friend offered (in fact I probably wouldn’t accept), I can’t imagine having a cheek to ask! And for a holiday! (i.e. not to pay rent or essentials)

Clarabell77 · 22/04/2023 18:33

GoodChat · 21/04/2023 15:26

Where's she planning on going on holiday? £1000 is too much for a U.K. holiday and not enough for a decent abroad holiday.

Where can I go on holiday in the UK for less than 1k?

Sage71 · 22/04/2023 19:19

I would be more inclined to tell her that you were going to ask if her and DS wanted a short break away with you as you would love to spend some time with the two of them.