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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not “lend” this money to my friend?

326 replies

Moneyfriend · 21/04/2023 15:14

So little back story, I’ve been friends with my friend for 20 years, we’ve seen each other through a lot of things and I do value her friendship.

Recently I won 10,000- not an insignificant amount to me and I haven’t spent it yet. I did plan and probably would’ve given my friend some (I’m not sure exactly how much, but I don’t mind treating friend and usually do to lunch, cinema etc as she’s on slightly lower income than I am)

Anyway, mentioned my win to friend and within around an hour she asked if she could “borrow “ 1000 for her and her bf and her DS8 to go on holiday as they’ve not had one in two years. I don’t think she could pay it back and even so I probably wouldn’t expect her too.

I wouldn’t exactly mind giving friend this amount, it’s just her BF. He’s a new BF, around 4 months and is in my opinion an absolute loser. He’s late 40’s, never kept a job longer than a few months, can’t drive so has DF ferry him about everywhere, has a DC but has never made any effort to meet them and abandoned their mum- moved in with my DF and now she waits on him hand and foot, while he plays PlayStation all day on his arse! and DF is continually defending him saying “oh well he’s just never settled in one job, or he’s been through a lot” so we’ve agreed to disagree now when she asks my opinion of him.

I know I’m going to come across horrible, but I don’t want to give this sponger BF money to go on holiday, but I know I can’t give to my friend with strings attached either and I would like her and her son to have a holiday! Agh!

OP posts:
Kennykenkencat · 21/04/2023 19:24

TerfIngOnTheBeach · 21/04/2023 19:02

What does your pension look like OP, whatever the answer is tell her”I was advised to put it into a pension where I get tax relief so free money, sorry I can’t lend you anything at all”

winnings from gambling isn’t taxed

Newuswr · 21/04/2023 19:24

YABU to tell them. Especially the exact figures. If she asks again, just say you’ve used the money to pay off some debt or something. Do not pay for her to go to a theme park either. You need to be more assertive.

Channellingsophistication · 21/04/2023 19:28

No way, a billion times no. That is beyond outrageously cheeky. She’s not much of a friend if the first thing is she can think of is what she can get out of it…

If it was me, I’d probably buy her DS a gift of some kind, a new bike or something.

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 21/04/2023 19:28

Absolutely not, 10k is a nice amount but no where near enough to be sharing out with others

Channellingsophistication · 21/04/2023 19:29

But of course you dont have to do anything. Well done on your win!

Ladybug14 · 21/04/2023 19:31

Moneyfriend · 21/04/2023 17:07

I actually won it at the bingo! The second time I’ve been there in my life! I went with a colleague who asked me to go and she was flabbergasted as she goes twice a week.

I guess I thought I might be horrible because of her DS who is 8 who would probably like some sort of trip away. I’m thinking I could counter offer taking them to a theme park or something.

NO

WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?

NO NO NO NO NO

Save the money as a little nest egg for YOU and only you

mainsfed · 21/04/2023 19:33

Agreeable · 21/04/2023 15:17

DS8?

wtf.

Her son is 8

OhwhyOY · 21/04/2023 19:39

Could you offer to pay for you, friend, and her DS to go on holiday together as a nice trip? Say you'd love to join her and her son but you'd feel like a third wheel if her partner was there, and see if that works?

GoodChat · 21/04/2023 19:39

TomatoSandwiches · 21/04/2023 18:39

Be prepared op, when you say no that she will come back a week or so later with an unexpected expense. The washing machine/fridge is broken and it will be can you lend us £500 for this or that.
I wouldn't be answering the phone to her for a while.

This is a very good point.

HollyFern1110 · 21/04/2023 19:44

Agreeable · 21/04/2023 15:17

DS8?

wtf.

Once upon a time on MN this would mean "my 8th born son". It now seems to mean "my son, age 8".

TheseThree · 21/04/2023 19:45

I agree with what seems to be the ongoing consensus. You wanted to do something generous, so do… but not cash. Let her know you have made plans for your winnings, but that included setting some aside so that the two of you could go on a spa day or that it included a trip to a theme park with her and her son. Perhaps even offer that he can bring a friend (peer).

Years ago a friend asked my ex and I to co-sign on a loan. We said no, and that was that. No resentment on either side. Same friend once asked to borrow money a few years later. Same answer and same outcome. If they had been absolute necessities we likely would have gifted them help (directly paying for something helpful), but neither time was for something like a holiday either.

You should never feel unreasonable for making your own financial decisions with your own money.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 21/04/2023 19:50

Why on earth did you tell anyone??

At this point, tell her it is tied up in an investment. You are not responsible for ameliorating her life choices, including to be a single mum and to take up with a feckless sponger. The child of 8 will survive lack of holiday. If she really wanted her child to have one, she'd work and save toward it, not mooch from you.

DuesToTheDirt · 21/04/2023 19:54

10k is not a life-changing amount for you. I'd take her out to dinner or something, but that's it. 1k for a holiday, whether lent or given, no way!

Mothership4two · 21/04/2023 19:58

Do not lend money to friends as you will end up the bad guy unless you are happy to give your winnings away. It's your good luck not theirs.

A few years back my BFriend and her partner spent about 5 years living in a tiny house seriously scrimping and working long hours saving for a house deposit. When another friend found out that they had several thousand pounds in savings she asked BF for a loan. BF felt guilty and thought about it as friend was a single mum (friend was not in a dire financial situation but obviously money was tight). The partner said absolutely not and they all fell out over it. BF lost a friend over someone else feeling entitled

crazeelala2u · 21/04/2023 19:59

Maybe it was already said, but what about taking your df and her dc on a mini weekend away instead of the boyfriend going?

Bananalanacake · 21/04/2023 20:06

How does her son feel about having a stranger move into his safe space. 4 months is nothing, she must be desperate to have a man, I hope he's paying his way, if not shake her and tell her he's a cocklodger.

Thesharkradar · 21/04/2023 20:14

the b/f will have clocked that friend has a support network, loyal friends who stick by her when the going gets tough, he'll have them earmarked as people who can be hit up for free money. He likely had a plan ready to go and he rolled it out when he heard about your windfall OP.

krustykittens · 21/04/2023 20:15

She is a cheeky cow. You borrow money when you are desperate for food, rent or to keep the lights on, not because you fancy a holiday! You have been too generous in the past, OP, and now she thinks she can tap you up for whatever she fancies.

BTMadmummy · 21/04/2023 20:24

My dad always said ‘never a borrower nor a lender be’

freefromthatinsanity · 21/04/2023 20:34

Do you think she thought of the idea, or he put her up to it?

Angrywife · 21/04/2023 20:35

I think I'd reply saying that I had planned to give her some as a gift but I'm disappointed she felt the need to ask so soon after hearing about the win and may have to rethink my original plan.
Will hopefully make her think about being such a grabby bitch in the future.

MeridianB · 21/04/2023 20:40

GoodChat · 21/04/2023 19:39

This is a very good point.

Show quote history

I had the same thought. Something….maybe to do with her son, to pull at your heartstrings.

MrsClatterbuck · 21/04/2023 20:42

Thesharkradar · 21/04/2023 20:14

the b/f will have clocked that friend has a support network, loyal friends who stick by her when the going gets tough, he'll have them earmarked as people who can be hit up for free money. He likely had a plan ready to go and he rolled it out when he heard about your windfall OP.

This is along the lines I was thinking. Bet he put her up to ask for the money.

grumpycow1 · 21/04/2023 20:50

Beamur · 21/04/2023 15:20

That's really cheeky of her to ask.
Tell her you've locked it into a savings account and can't access it until next year while you decide what to do with it.

This is a great idea. I am astounded that she had the balls to ask you for money - wouldn’t want to give her anything after that regardless of BF or not.

Strawberrydelight78 · 21/04/2023 20:53

No you blooming well shouldn't. I wouldn't have said anything about winning any money.

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