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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think we try and encourage babies to be independent too soon?

313 replies

graciousgrace · 21/04/2023 14:52

I just don't understand the obsession with wanting babies to be so independent so early on? I go to quite a few baby groups, and am constantly hearing comments like...

"I don't spoon feed my baby, I've encouraged self feeding from day one."

"My baby sleeps through the night because I didn't respond to their cries when they woke up."

"I don't rock my baby to sleep because they need to learn to put themselves to sleep and self soothe."

"I don't co-sleep because my baby needs to be in their own room in their own cot."

And the most shocking one of all... a mum at a baby group I went to said that her 7 month old baby "will only do a poo on the toilet"! Literally couldn't make it up!

As a mum who happily spoon feeds, co-sleeps and rocks my baby to sleep, it is so annoying hearing these comments because it's like these mums think they're superior. What's wrong with me wanting to treat my baby like a, you know, baby? I mean, great for you if those things work for you, but us mums who do things differently shouldn't be made to feel inadequate or like we're doing things wrong. Babies are only babies for such a short amount of time, so why can't we embrace the time when they actually need us to do things for them? I doubt I'll have a 15 year who still wants to be spoon fed, rocked to sleep and sleep in my bed 😂 does anyone agree or am I just being too sensitive?

OP posts:
SouthLondonMum22 · 22/04/2023 23:35

MumApril1990 · 22/04/2023 23:30

I agree. They are only little for long and babies feel traumatised when not close to Mummy. Why wouldn’t you want your baby to feel loved and secure?

I get told I hold my baby too much, feed him too often, I’m spoiling him by breastfeeding and by co-sleeping. He should be in his own room left crying at 6 months apparently. And when awake left in his pram or on the play mat alone?

I don’t co-sleep and have formula fed from birth. He is put down awake and self settles to sleep.

He isn’t traumatised or any less loved than your baby.

watchthebloodycat · 22/04/2023 23:36

@Wenfy that's not true - I was very in tune with my babies movements when cosleeping when they were very little. I exclusively expressed for 6 months each time and didn't 'breastfeed'.

I think that mothers in general are incredibly in tune with their babies.

Blossomtoes · 22/04/2023 23:39

JudgeJ · 22/04/2023 23:13

to be giving out such outdated and inaccurate advice?

Just the current fad in terms of advice, when your children have their babies the advice, if they bother at all with it, will be different and possibly contrary to today's. I think that a lot of the problems people have is because they read too much, look at other babies too much instead of doing what they feel is right. When mine were born in the 70s we were told to put them on their front, that turned out well, and not to have a baby sleep in your bed, can't remember if I did the first but certainly not the second, they were in their own room from day 1, about 8 days old, and we still managed to get to like each other!

I had mine in the 70s too. We were taught to put them to sleep on their front and sleep in a cot from the very beginning. Most of us put them outside to sleep during the day if they were spring/summer babies and baby led weaning hadn’t been invented. They all seem to have survived.

I’d bet my house the advice will be completely different in a couple of decades and today’s methods will be regarded with horror. And the human race will continue.

MumApril1990 · 22/04/2023 23:47

@SouthLondonMum22 how do you know, they can’t tell you?

Botw1 · 22/04/2023 23:49

@MumApril1990

Then by that logic you don't know a baby isn't traumatised by anything.

Maybe all babies forced to co sleep are deeply traumatised

SouthLondonMum22 · 22/04/2023 23:50

MumApril1990 · 22/04/2023 23:47

@SouthLondonMum22 how do you know, they can’t tell you?

How do you know babies who don’t co-sleep are deeply traumatised?

Botw1 · 22/04/2023 23:51

@Blossomtoes

The reduction in SIDs deaths post the introduction of back to sleep, foot to feet advice is huge.

I know it feels like advice changes all the time for no reason but it really doesn't

The research on safe sleep is robust.

Despite the willful misinterpretation

MumApril1990 · 22/04/2023 23:52

@Botw1 there’s studies on heart rates and behaviours that show co-sleeping and breastfeeding regulates heart rate and breathing though aren’t there? The positive effects are documented.

Botw1 · 22/04/2023 23:54

@Mumma212

I thought that research was based on room sharing? Not bed sharing.

Plus how does heart rate show trauma?

MumApril1990 · 22/04/2023 23:54

@SouthLondonMum22 I never said babies who don’t cosleep are traumatised?

I said babies are traumatised when they aren’t close to their mother. Which is known. Closeness doesn’t necessarily mean cosleeping

Coyoacan · 22/04/2023 23:56

My mother said that my older brother hated a dirty nappy so much that he started using a potty absurdly early, like at four months old or something. My sister and I were normal

MumApril1990 · 22/04/2023 23:56

@Botw1 I said ‘babies are traumatised when not close to their Mum’

Botw1 · 22/04/2023 23:57

@MumApril1990

You asked @SouthLondonMum22 how she knew her baby wasn't traumatised?

MumApril1990 · 22/04/2023 23:57

@Botw1 breastfeeding reduces heart rate and regulates breathing too I think?

Botw1 · 22/04/2023 23:58

Also, my babies weren't traumatised by not being close to me.

I know they weren't because they weren't distressed

SouthLondonMum22 · 22/04/2023 23:58

MumApril1990 · 22/04/2023 23:54

@SouthLondonMum22 I never said babies who don’t cosleep are traumatised?

I said babies are traumatised when they aren’t close to their mother. Which is known. Closeness doesn’t necessarily mean cosleeping

You asked me how I knew my baby isn’t traumatised though.

Botw1 · 22/04/2023 23:59

@MumApril1990

Yet formula fed babies aren't traumatised either

SouthLondonMum22 · 23/04/2023 00:01

Botw1 · 22/04/2023 23:58

Also, my babies weren't traumatised by not being close to me.

I know they weren't because they weren't distressed

Exactly.

I have a very content, happy baby.

Even though he goes to nursery full time too! 😱😂

Nottamug · 23/04/2023 00:07

My formula fed babies that were in their own rooms at 12 weeks are all perfectly balanced adults.

MumApril1990 · 23/04/2023 00:16

@Nottamug can I ask what was your motivation for having them in their own room at 12 weeks? We’re you not having to go in all the time?

SouthLondonMum22 · 23/04/2023 00:20

MumApril1990 · 23/04/2023 00:16

@Nottamug can I ask what was your motivation for having them in their own room at 12 weeks? We’re you not having to go in all the time?

Some babies sleep through by that age, especially if they are formula fed.

Mine started sleeping through at 8 weeks.

Peppadog · 23/04/2023 00:28

@Botw1 what is your agenda? If anyone mentions evidence that states that co sleeping under certain conditions is safe you just ignore it and pedal the same stuff.

Here's a fact that will blow everyone's mind. Which county has one of the lowest instances of SIDS in the world? Japan! How do they sleep? They favour co sleeping!

We have evolved with a desire to co sleep, evolution hasn't built systems in to harm us. Why does SIDS go up when babies are put in a separate room?
It makes no sense that room sharing is safER but bed sharing is less safe, EXCEPT for the conditions in the bed. Just because one thing is linked to another, doesn't mean one causes another. Co sleeping does not CAUSE an increase in SIDS.

The comparison to infant mortality is totally irrelevant . It's not a biological norm or evolutionary development to die young, we died from infection and disease and malnutrition. Pointless argument.

MumApril1990 · 23/04/2023 00:35

I hate the thought of a little helpless baby sleeping alone in a room.

SouthLondonMum22 · 23/04/2023 00:42

MumApril1990 · 23/04/2023 00:35

I hate the thought of a little helpless baby sleeping alone in a room.

I don’t. We all get a wonderful nights sleep.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 23/04/2023 00:43

I think @Botw1 is being pedantic. When she says co-sleeping isn't safe, technically she's right in the sense that we cannot entirely remove the risk from everything, or indeed anything, that we do. But the co-sleeping advice is designed to make co-sleeping as safe as it can be, just as the feet to foot and no cot bumpers advice is given to make sleeping in a cot as safe as it can be. That isn't risk-free either.

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