To think we try and encourage babies to be independent too soon?

[graciousgrace]

I just don't understand the obsession with wanting babies to be so independent so early on? I go to quite a few baby groups, and am constantly hearing comments like...

"I don't spoon feed my baby, I've encouraged self feeding from day one."

"My baby sleeps through the night because I didn't respond to their cries when they woke up."

"I don't rock my baby to sleep because they need to learn to put themselves to sleep and self soothe."

"I don't co-sleep because my baby needs to be in their own room in their own cot."

And the most shocking one of all... a mum at a baby group I went to said that her 7 month old baby "will only do a poo on the toilet"! Literally couldn't make it up!

As a mum who happily spoon feeds, co-sleeps and rocks my baby to sleep, it is so annoying hearing these comments because it's like these mums think they're superior. What's wrong with me wanting to treat my baby like a, you know, baby? I mean, great for you if those things work for you, but us mums who do things differently shouldn't be made to feel inadequate or like we're doing things wrong. Babies are only babies for such a short amount of time, so why can't we embrace the time when they actually need us to do things for them? I doubt I'll have a 15 year who still wants to be spoon fed, rocked to sleep and sleep in my bed 😂 does anyone agree or am I just being too sensitive?

I utterly and heartily agree with you! My three babies were rocked to sleep, napped on me, spoonfed, a bit of co-sleeping too - all the things they say ‘makes a rod for your own back’ but it’s all part of bonding with them and it’s so important. Our culture is obsessed with making babies independent and we’ve forgotten that what they really need is security and nurture. Have the confidence to do what you think is right and let others do the same, I say.

I think with spoon feeding vs. baby-led weaning, it depends what your baby/ies prefer. With everything else you mention, there is a spectrum of decisions and approaches you can take as a parent. Advice from health professional changes over the years and people are naturally influenced by this, and influenced by friends and family and cultural norms wherever they live.

If people seem sure of whatever approach they’re following and it’s different to what you’re doing, who cares? It’s your job to do what you think is best, what works best for your family and what’s best suited to your child/ren. They’re all so different and they change as they learn and grow.

I have 2 DC, one 3, one almost 1. Both co-slept, one still does. I had family members, friends etc tell me that I shouldn’t BF, shouldn’t do baby-led weaning, shouldn’t co-sleep, should leave to CIO. I used my common sense and followed what I thought was best, which tended to be following my child’s needs. I now have people say that they can’t believe how confident and independent my 3 year old is. 😉

Western cultures definitely promote ‘independence’ and separate sleeping practices etc far more than most Asian and African cultures.

Be confident OP, don’t pay too much attention to what others are doing or what they think.

I have a family member like this, our children are the same age. Hers is brought up perfectly, no screen time (mine watches tv every day), only wooden montessori toys, mine also has plastic, their every outing is educational, mine likes going to the playground. I don't care really but I do find it funny to see her fuming because my "badly" brought up child walked earlier, talked earlier and talks more and hits all milestones earlier.

In my opinion children need the option to develop and they will then take it when they're ready for the next milestone. In her opinion they need the perfect mother (her) and I'm proving her wrong.

You can also bond with your baby and not co-sleep, rock to sleep or have them nap on you.

I've encouraged independent sleeping from birth with my baby and we have a lovely bond.

Oh no I mean that co-sleeping and breastfeeding toddlers/young children is often seen as stopping them being independent by society...which of course is totally untrue!

Actually the Lullaby Trust have

FFS, if this was recently, WHY are these health professionals still allowed to be giving out such outdated and inaccurate advice? Just imagine if another parent listened naievly and their poor baby never got cuddled to sleep :(

The Lullaby trust advises on safer co-sleeping like the NHS. It doesn't say that co-sleeping is recommended or advises it over baby sleeping in their own space.

They actually couldn't make it more clear, the first thing you see on their website is a baby sleeping in a cot.

If you need instructions on how to make something safer when doing it, it's pretty clear its not safe.
Well then putting a baby in a cot is clearly
unsafe since there’s “instructions” on that?

Such a narrow minded western thinking.

he went in his basket or cot and had to learn to get used to it which he did
babies cry for a reasons, personally I chose to respond to that reason, rather than shrugging my shoulders and being lazy and letting a helpless baby scream itself into a state of peace because it knows it’s caregiver isn’t responding becsuse they’re too lazy / can’t be arsed.

You've made many assumptions there.

I responded when he cried
he never screamed himself into a 'state of peace'

He still wasn't sleeping anywhere but his basket/cot.

Hmm your tone is actually quite judgey if others are doing it differently to you, despite your 'if it's working for them' claim.

Co sleeping - each person has a bed / cot in our house, it works for us.
Baby led weaning - it worked best for us.

I didn't attend a single baby group, and didn't buy into criticizing other parents who made different choices.

Co sleeping is safe.

@SouthLondonMum22 the advice is like that to eliminate any confusion, and to keep the babies safe that would otherwise be at risk whilst bed sharing. Evidence has shown that if all the safety criteria are met for safe co sleeping, that it is no more dangerous than cot sleeping, any risk is so tiny it is insignificant.
How often do you hear someone with a newborn say 'he won't sleep unless he is on me''
'he wakes as soon as I put him down'
It's because it isn't natural! What is wrong with the western world that we have been conditioned to think it is dangerous to sleep with our own babies!!

Oh my god I am treated like an alien from Mars in my Mum's group just because I do attachment parenting and co sleeping. I didn't think my views were that radical. Sleep training is back in a big way, it's all they'll talk about. It's just child abuse in my book, there isn't a psychologist in the country who would say it doesn't lead to attachment problems.

I will do baby led weaning though, so that they can be in control of what they are eating and develop a healthy relationship with food. Also I'd be so pleased if my baby shat on the toilet! How can I make this happen?!

If what you do works for you than do it

They are not doing anything wrong and it works for them so why does it bother you so much?

I think the 'problem' is that women often have to go back to work. We don't live with our family typically close anymore so babies have to fit in and mum needs to sleep.

I think the only study I ever see quoted as 'proving' sleep training is bad is the orphanage one 🤷‍♀️

The study that was based on is flawed. 56% of the babies in that study bed shares but it wasn't recorded whether the parents smoked and drank, whether or not a safe space was set up, or if they just came in the bed because the Mother was exhausted because society has got problems with the way women have been existing with their babies for thousands of years and they are always looking for ways to make women feel bad.

The main risks for sids are formula feeding, smoking, and making your kid sleep in a different room. The study shows that also.

Not any evidence I've ever seen.

My newborn was the same but he absolutely wasn't sleeping with me so he did learn to sleep in his own space with time because the thought of co-sleeping didn't feel natural at all, especially since you have to follow all these rules to make it 'safe'.

You're right.

I have 2 DCs under 4. I will continue to do sleep with them until they're ready to go into their own beds.

I will continue to do anything they need me to do that's developmentally appropriate for them.

I will allow them to be children and run, shout, make a mess and whatever else they need to do.

I know going to work etc are outwith parents control but babies in nursery from x months old and sleep training makes me feel so sad.

I'll forever fill my children's cups and ensure they know they're the most loved little people on earth! Im in no rush to make them grow up quicker than they are.

to be giving out such outdated and inaccurate advice?

Just the current fad in terms of advice, when your children have their babies the advice, if they bother at all with it, will be different and possibly contrary to today's. I think that a lot of the problems people have is because they read too much, look at other babies too much instead of doing what they feel is right. When mine were born in the 70s we were told to put them on their front, that turned out well, and not to have a baby sleep in your bed, can't remember if I did the first but certainly not the second, they were in their own room from day 1, about 8 days old, and we still managed to get to like each other!

How are there still so many uneducated people spouting the co-sleeping is unsafe nonsense!?!?

Have these people no idea at all about what is BIOLOGICALLY NORMAL?!

Losers.

I have safely coslept with both of mine. When you exclusively breastfeed you wake up instinctively if baby is too close, changes breathing, or even gurgles / farts - it’s a curse and a boon. People who don’t breastfeed don’t understand.

@Mumma212

Infant mortality is biologically normal.

Women dying in childbirth is biologically normal.

Biologically normal ain't all that

Exactly.

I agree. They are only little for long and babies feel traumatised when not close to Mummy. Why wouldn’t you want your baby to feel loved and secure?

I get told I hold my baby too much, feed him too often, I’m spoiling him by breastfeeding and by co-sleeping. He should be in his own room left crying at 6 months apparently. And when awake left in his pram or on the play mat alone?