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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we try and encourage babies to be independent too soon?

313 replies

graciousgrace · 21/04/2023 14:52

I just don't understand the obsession with wanting babies to be so independent so early on? I go to quite a few baby groups, and am constantly hearing comments like...

"I don't spoon feed my baby, I've encouraged self feeding from day one."

"My baby sleeps through the night because I didn't respond to their cries when they woke up."

"I don't rock my baby to sleep because they need to learn to put themselves to sleep and self soothe."

"I don't co-sleep because my baby needs to be in their own room in their own cot."

And the most shocking one of all... a mum at a baby group I went to said that her 7 month old baby "will only do a poo on the toilet"! Literally couldn't make it up!

As a mum who happily spoon feeds, co-sleeps and rocks my baby to sleep, it is so annoying hearing these comments because it's like these mums think they're superior. What's wrong with me wanting to treat my baby like a, you know, baby? I mean, great for you if those things work for you, but us mums who do things differently shouldn't be made to feel inadequate or like we're doing things wrong. Babies are only babies for such a short amount of time, so why can't we embrace the time when they actually need us to do things for them? I doubt I'll have a 15 year who still wants to be spoon fed, rocked to sleep and sleep in my bed 😂 does anyone agree or am I just being too sensitive?

OP posts:
Botw1 · 22/04/2023 19:34

@Cocolatte24

No it hasn't

The nhs tells you how to reduce the risk. Not the same.

Or maybe you could just read the thread

scoobycute · 22/04/2023 19:36

HMW1906 · 22/04/2023 16:14

“but us mums who do things differently shouldn't be made to feel inadequate or like we're doing things wrong.”

Yet you come on here shaming those that do choose to do the things YOU disagree with. 🙄

Was thinking the exact same thing.

WorryMcGee · 22/04/2023 19:41

My baby wouldn’t eat solids at all unless she fed herself. She’s just turned one and will try absolutely anything as long as she is doing it herself, and it’s been brilliant as we can take her anywhere and everywhere. She loves her food and it’s an absolute joy watching her eat, but she will not be spoon fed and the minute I worked that out weaning went from something that brought us both to tears to something lovely where we all sat at the table and shared.

Peppadog · 22/04/2023 19:55

I agree OP. Babies want to be close, they are hard wired for this. In our ancestral environment survival depended on it and our human brains haven't evolved from this. I keep my babies close, I cuddle them, co sleep and respond to their cues and have never left them to cry. I think it makes them secure and happy during a key period of development. I don't care what anyone else does but I couldn't parent any other way and would never feel insecure about it.

JRS19 · 22/04/2023 20:09

co-sleeping if done correctly is completely safe and natural. Please don’t spread misinformation like this.

SouthLondonMum22 · 22/04/2023 20:15

JRS19 · 22/04/2023 20:09

co-sleeping if done correctly is completely safe and natural. Please don’t spread misinformation like this.

There are ways to make it safer but it isn't as safe as what the NHS and Lullaby Trust recommend....which isn't co-sleeping or they would actually say that.

Beseen22 · 22/04/2023 20:19

I agree that your post is a bit judgemental of people who have made different decisions to you, probably because they have different circumstances. Sometimes it's better just to be confident in the choices that you make and accept that that is what works for your family.

FWIW I believe in a very baby led approach. My children both moved happened to their bowels on the toilet while they were waiting for their bath to run so we didn't have any dirty nappies after a year. If you have ever looked at threads of children who are having trouble training it's often a fear of the toilet/moving bowels away from their body that leads to withholding causing much more issues so promoting continence and dignity was important to me. It would have been ridiculous to put a nappy on them at that time so they did it there to keep them a baby. They were much older when they toilet trained. I don't personally enjoy feeding them so mine have always helped themselves, I loved seeing them being part of the family meal and picking what they want on their plate.
I contact napped, BF to sleep and coslept with my first baby and he did not sleep for longer than 39 minutes at a time until he was 18months old when I weaned him. I had absolutely no interest in repeating that with my second because I needed to be able to be able to be there for my eldest. So it didn't work for us.

Botw1 · 22/04/2023 20:23

@JRS19

Saying co sleeping is perfectly safe is misinformation.

The risk is low but it is not as safe as baby in own cot

dwightschrutebeets · 22/04/2023 20:24

Don't really know why you wouldn't want to encourage self feeding tbh....

SophieBu · 22/04/2023 20:24

at 2 weeks my health visitor told me not to cuddle my baby to sleep as she will become too dependent!! I said if she wants mummy to cuddle her to sleep at 30 I’m okay with that. Everyone just gets so harshly judged. I personally lead with what she wants. Sometimes she needs to sleep I my bed and have snuggles, she 10 months now. Most nights she goes down in her room and sleeps most nights. I spoon feed her but also likes having her own spoon and doing some self feeding. It feels a bit competitive at times!

Housen · 22/04/2023 20:30

but us mums who do things differently shouldn't be made to feel inadequate or like we're doing things wrong

You think you’re “doing things differently” by spoon feeding your baby and using nappies?

Housen · 22/04/2023 20:36

Missuspotatohead · 22/04/2023 19:01

Every parent of a baby overlaying death that I met thought they could co sleep safely. It’s not safe.

Show quote history

What does this mean?

Peppadog · 22/04/2023 20:40

Co sleeping is perfectly safe if done correctly. We have been contact sleeping for 200,000 years, it is completely natural and our babies are born seeking contact.
The things that increase the risk are due to modern soft beds, loose bedding and smoking/drinking. One really interesting fact is that sleeping close to your baby can actually stimulate their breathing, your warm breath forms pockets of carbon dioxide by your babies mouth which actually stimulates their breathing, and they are also calmed by your heartbeat.

So many women are suffering night after night with lack of sleep as they are desperately trying to put their baby in a cot when all it wants is to be close. If it works for you and your baby sleeps and is calm then great, but people should interrogate the 'facts' rather than just assume it is unsafe.

The most dangerous thing is falling asleep sitting up, or on a sofa, or co sleeping when you are not prepared, brought on by exhaustion because you're not able to sleep!
If you prepare properly to co sleep and your baby is low risk, the risks of SIDS is miniscule.

Botw1 · 22/04/2023 20:43

@Peppadog

The risk of suffocation in the modern, soft bed is not.

Peppadog · 22/04/2023 20:47

Not all mattresses are soft, ours is firm, my baby doesn't roll towards me whilst in the bed but remains flat on his back. It's important to apply common sense to each situation.

CatCake · 22/04/2023 20:49

Botw1 · 21/04/2023 15:02

@graciousgrace

I disagree

All research shows the safest place for a baby to sleep is its own bare cot.

The research does say this.

However, the medical profession also acknowledges that many parents will end up co-sleeping, even if they hadn't intended to, and that there are things you can do to make co-sleeping safe. Our GP at our six week check up told us that he and his wife co-slept. Co-sleeping is common practice in many other cultures around the world.

It's fine to choose not to co-sleep. It's equally fine to make a well-informed choice to do so, understanding how to make this a safe environment for your baby. To say a bare cot is the safest sleep environment is accurate. To say co-sleeping is therefore "not safe" is simply wrong.

CatCake · 22/04/2023 20:50

Peppadog · 22/04/2023 20:40

Co sleeping is perfectly safe if done correctly. We have been contact sleeping for 200,000 years, it is completely natural and our babies are born seeking contact.
The things that increase the risk are due to modern soft beds, loose bedding and smoking/drinking. One really interesting fact is that sleeping close to your baby can actually stimulate their breathing, your warm breath forms pockets of carbon dioxide by your babies mouth which actually stimulates their breathing, and they are also calmed by your heartbeat.

So many women are suffering night after night with lack of sleep as they are desperately trying to put their baby in a cot when all it wants is to be close. If it works for you and your baby sleeps and is calm then great, but people should interrogate the 'facts' rather than just assume it is unsafe.

The most dangerous thing is falling asleep sitting up, or on a sofa, or co sleeping when you are not prepared, brought on by exhaustion because you're not able to sleep!
If you prepare properly to co sleep and your baby is low risk, the risks of SIDS is miniscule.

Absolutely this. Know the risks and mitigate them and co-sleeping is not unsafe.

Susieg733 · 22/04/2023 20:58

Haven’t read all the comments but my children are now 15 and 20. Just wanted to say you should go with your gut, do what works for you and no baby can have too many cuddles. It isn’t long before a cuddle from mum is embarrassing 😂😂

Botw1 · 22/04/2023 21:01

@CatCake

You cant mitigate all the risks though.

That's the point.

Porridgeislife · 22/04/2023 21:04

Botw1 · 22/04/2023 21:01

@CatCake

You cant mitigate all the risks though.

That's the point.

You can’t mitigate all the risks of choking to death whilst weaning, or being in a car accident with your baby, but you can take reasonable precautions to prevent both & it doesn’t mean either of these things are unsafe to do. Just like co-sleeping.

Bashshell · 22/04/2023 21:07

Babies are now often forced into a situation where they are sleep trained and packed off to nursery quite quickly. This is what I had to do with my children as I needed to work but i also wanted to work.

I did both spoon feed and let them eat independently as they liked both.

I don’t think nursery benefits babies particularly but at the end of the day im sure in olden days everyone would chip in to help anyway….grandparents for example. Look at the aristocracy, they probably all had wet nurses and never saw their kids at nighttime.

At the end of the day there is no perfect form of parenting. Babies are very adaptable and as long as they are fed, loved and cared for it makes absolutely no odds whether you co sleep, sleep train, spoon feed and so on! No idea why people waste so much time debating all this!

MissTrip82 · 22/04/2023 21:09

graciousgrace · 21/04/2023 14:58

Co sleeping can be done safely.

Show quote history

No, steps can be taken to reduce the risk.
It’s a compromise some families make. Same as sleep training is a compromise some families make. Or spoon feeding is a compromise some families make.

You’re making many compromises because your baby is the not the only person in the house.
So is everyone you describe. Nobody is trying to treat their baby like anything but a baby, that’s a truly bizarre interpretation you’ve come up with there.

It’s the weird interpretation that makes you sound very judgmental.

Peppadog · 22/04/2023 21:18

There's an argument to say that planned co sleeping is actually safer. For all those babies that die when the mother is exhausted trying to feed on a sofa, or exhausted sitting up in bed, or plans to put the baby back in the cot but ends up falling asleep with it in a bed unprepared for co-sleeping.
In those instances the death might be considered 'death by co sleeping' but actually is caused by the mother desperately trying NOT to co sleep and failing.
I feel so strongly about this as I tried so desperately with my first to keep putting him back in the bloody cot. Now I'm with my third I've done my research, I've assessed the risks. My low risk baby is more likely to die by being struck by lightning than die in my bed sleeping beside me, that is a statistical fact.
It's far riskier me leaving the house, feeding my baby solids, crossing the road, driving a car. If we obsessed over every tiny risk we would never live! I understand the paranoia over SIDS, the thought of a baby dying is too much to bear, but people need to understand the REAL risk and make sensible choices for them.

AlltheFs · 22/04/2023 21:19

Yes I hate the way normal baby behaviour is labelled a “problem” that needs “fixing”.

DD was EBF, co-slept, and all our approach has been baby led.

But spoon feeding is not something we did, baby led weaning the way. She had our food straight away at 6 months and I have never fed her. So much better. Puréed food is revolting 🤮 DD was tucking in to chilli and rice by herself on day 3.

Botw1 · 22/04/2023 21:21

@Porridgeislife

I'd say that something that carries risk is unsafe, yes.

@Peppadog

Planned co sleeping is less risky than unplanned for sure.

It's not safer than cot sleeping though

Absolutely people should make their own risk assessment based on the actual evidence

You cant do that if you won't acknowledge the risk or evidence at all

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