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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New job and one car who do you think should have it?

226 replies

Saltandpepperchipss · 21/04/2023 12:27

I’ll start by pointing out that we are absolutely skint as in no savings left otherwise we would buy a car. We’ve finally moved in to our house and everything has pretty much gone on renovations.

My new job is 40 mins away I will be working 9-5 at the start then eventually mostly hybrid.

DH will be with the kids until I get back so he will do all school runs and then will be with DS at home during day.

Kids school is across the road so he will be walking them to and from school.

His argument is that he will be stuck in the house all day with DS and refuses to use Ubers etc.

I can get the train and a bus but it’s just such a long day and it means il be home in time for DH to go to work. Otherwise he was planning on changing his hours.

AIBU to think I should have use of the car? And going shopping and visiting friends isn’t essential. He goes out a lot with his brother in the week and BIL has his own car.

OP posts:
BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 21/04/2023 16:50

Freefall212 · 21/04/2023 15:53

I only mentioned Uber as OP had mentioned it as an option for her husband so it seems she sees Uber as a viable option within their finances.

We also don't know if the bus goes directly to whereever the DH and child need to go yet that hasn't stopped posters from saying that taking the bus is a breeze and he can do everything he wants and needs to do easily on the bus.

Show quote history

By all means make that point to those posters then, but it wasn't a sensible reply here. Additionally, there's a difference between ubers twice a day as you suggest here and the odd one here and there if DH wants to go somewhere not on a bus route and not where BIL is going.

unsync · 21/04/2023 16:58

Commuting by train is awful, you should get the car. If he's changed his hours, then presumably he uses it at night to get to his work?

Ihadenough22 · 21/04/2023 17:02

You have moved into a house and spent a lot of money on renovations. You have 3 small children but the school is near by and you have public transport that your husband can use.
You have taken a new job to improve your money situation and he expects you to use a train and bus to get to work because he is to good to use public transport.

You need to tell him he has to grow up. Your trying to improve your current situation and you have to get to your office 5 days a week for X period of time. Tell him your commute would be cheaper in the car and your not gone from home for so many hours of the day. Also let him know on the way home you can do the family shop so you taking this job off him also.

I would remind him that in time you can work from home but this won't happen unless you get through the new job training and spend a period working full time in their office's and commuting by public transport on top of this won't work. Along with this your not willing to pay the cost of the bus and train when he can manage without the car during the day.

I would also tell him as well that you can't guarantee that you will be back home on time to let him go to work if your depending on a bus and train. If he is turning up late for work a lot his boss will say it to him.

Also with your new job and him working when you come home it means that your not paying out a large amount of money in childcare. Your income will help build up your savings and enable you to make plans for the future as a family.

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 21/04/2023 17:10

I would also tell him as well that you can't guarantee that you will be back home on time to let him go to work if your depending on a bus and train. If he is turning up late for work a lot his boss will say it to him.

This is another reason why I think keeping the car is actually going to work out as the more difficult option for him. With a two part public transport commute OP just can't guarantee she's going to be back on time every day. It is a looooot of faff he's signing up for here.

OP is there a chance he's doing this because he wants the family to have a second car and thinks you'll agree to taking out a car loan or whatever if he's enough of a nuisance over it?

LumpyandBumps · 21/04/2023 17:12

We were lucky enough to have a car each when the children were young, and I really appreciated the freedom it gave me.

When one of them was out of action for any reason though we did not need to have a discussion as to who got the remaining one.

The person needing to use it for work got it.

Public transport is pretty dire here, but there would simply have been no question of the worker ( whichever of us it was at the time) struggling with a difficult commute just because the one at home with the children might fancy a little outing in the car. It never happened but if there had been an emergency at home we would have got a taxi to the GP or hospital, etc.

I wouldn’t have wanted to be without a car for weeks on end though. How long is the training period.

Freefall212 · 21/04/2023 17:20

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 21/04/2023 16:50

By all means make that point to those posters then, but it wasn't a sensible reply here. Additionally, there's a difference between ubers twice a day as you suggest here and the odd one here and there if DH wants to go somewhere not on a bus route and not where BIL is going.

Show quote history

He has a one year old at home who very likely still naps plus he has to be at home for drop off and pick ups - it isn't likely taking the bus aroud makes really any sense for him. He has a kid who is young enough to be on a schedule and he has to be sure he accounts for possible transportaiton issues to be home on time to get his other kids. He also then goes into work until late after looking after the kids all day and well into the early evening, given he has had to move his start time to 7:00pm since that is the earliest OP can be home for him to go to work. He will get home well after midnight and then is up with the kids in the morning on only a few hours of sleep. He really doesn't have this life of leisure that people are describing. And taking a bus with the time constraints he has and the sleep deprivation and the long hours and the baby's schedule and just a one year old where you have to lug all their stuff around and they melt down really isn't practical. If it was essential, it could be done but just to get out, it isn't worth it. Likely he will just stay home the vast majority of the time which makes more sense but is hard on SAHP.

NoSquirrels · 21/04/2023 17:24

taking a bus with the time constraints he has and the sleep deprivation and the long hours and the baby's schedule and just a one year old where you have to lug all their stuff around and they melt down really isn't practical

And yet thousands of people who don’t have access to a car do it every day.

It doesn’t take 6 hours to nip to the shops and back on a bus. Even with a one year old (the horrors!)

sylvandweller · 21/04/2023 17:26

NoSquirrels · 21/04/2023 17:24

taking a bus with the time constraints he has and the sleep deprivation and the long hours and the baby's schedule and just a one year old where you have to lug all their stuff around and they melt down really isn't practical

And yet thousands of people who don’t have access to a car do it every day.

It doesn’t take 6 hours to nip to the shops and back on a bus. Even with a one year old (the horrors!)

And millions have done it thousands of years, yet now some think it's impossible. I did it. Child is still alive

Original poster
Saltandpepperchipss · 21/04/2023 17:28

No we both don’t do any finance or anything like that so I doubt it. We can borrow some money of his dad but then I hate borrowing and looking desperate. But would be a lifesaver really!

OP posts:
Original poster
Saltandpepperchipss · 21/04/2023 17:29

DS has one nap at 11:00am but will happily nap in his pushchair. If he wanted to go into town he could drop the kids and jump on the bus right after. But he wouldn’t anyway

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/04/2023 17:29

His attitude doesn’t make sense though - what if you also said “I drive cars not get on buses”? Where does that leave you - stalemate

And him having to drive you to the station doesn’t sound much fun for anyone esp the kids.

I think that you should have the car the majority of the time at least, but perhaps would make sense to share. It is hard being home with a little one and no car, but if there’s public transport, it seems daft he won’t use it.

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 21/04/2023 17:30

Freefall212 · 21/04/2023 17:20

He has a one year old at home who very likely still naps plus he has to be at home for drop off and pick ups - it isn't likely taking the bus aroud makes really any sense for him. He has a kid who is young enough to be on a schedule and he has to be sure he accounts for possible transportaiton issues to be home on time to get his other kids. He also then goes into work until late after looking after the kids all day and well into the early evening, given he has had to move his start time to 7:00pm since that is the earliest OP can be home for him to go to work. He will get home well after midnight and then is up with the kids in the morning on only a few hours of sleep. He really doesn't have this life of leisure that people are describing. And taking a bus with the time constraints he has and the sleep deprivation and the long hours and the baby's schedule and just a one year old where you have to lug all their stuff around and they melt down really isn't practical. If it was essential, it could be done but just to get out, it isn't worth it. Likely he will just stay home the vast majority of the time which makes more sense but is hard on SAHP.

Show quote history

None of this addresses what I wrote.

They're still skint, you still can't presume the existence of a bus stop means OP could use it to get to the station in time, being able to afford the odd Uber for him doesn't mean they can run to two a day for OP. It was a daft assumption you made.

Also, as someone who got the bus with babies all the time, your value judgement about how it won't be worth it simply doesn't ring true. He also has access to frequent lifts from a relative in any case. And if it's going to be that awful him going into work in the evening, him insisting on OP using the mode of transport that's most likely to delay her return isn't going to make it any easier for him.

Neither of them are going to have a life of leisure here, which is inevitable when parents are having to work around each other with no childcare. It'll be exhausting for both. That's a given. It doesn't mean you can assume OP will be able to get the bus to the train station.

Freefall212 · 21/04/2023 17:31

sylvandweller · 21/04/2023 17:26

And millions have done it thousands of years, yet now some think it's impossible. I did it. Child is still alive

Show quote history

I didn't say it was impossible. I said of course it can be done if essential and one has to do it, but most SAHP aren't schlepping about on buses during the day with a one year old to go to the park or a play group or a short outing.

ChickenDhansak82 · 21/04/2023 17:33

He can drop you off at work!

willstarttomorrow · 21/04/2023 17:34

Your partner is being ridiculous. Starting a new job is emotionally draining and there is no need in this situation for you to add to that with longer commutes and that is assuming buses and trains are running. Which they frequently do not. He does not sound very supportive to be honest. This is something that can be reviewed when you are settled into your new job and see if any changes can be made. However, I cannot begin to imagine expecting this of a partner when trying to support them into a new job. He does not actually need the car from your posts, he just wants it.

sylvandweller · 21/04/2023 17:34

@Freefall212

I did. Most of my friends did, some still do. Loads of carless families at our school. Even more only have one car.

We still don't need two cars.

willstarttomorrow · 21/04/2023 17:36

And loads of parents transport their children on buses with no issues, including getting them to school, single parents having no choice etc. He is being a brat.

Doyouthinktheyknow · 21/04/2023 17:40

He’s being ridiculous, you have the car for work.

I did it with small dc, dh used to drive to work and leave me car less.

Eventually due to parking costs it became cheaper to get the train but the dses were at school by then.

cannaecookrisotto · 21/04/2023 17:40

Could he drop you off and pick you up?

Sirzy · 21/04/2023 17:42

I think a split of the week is best so you both get to use the car half the week.

Divorcedalongtime · 21/04/2023 17:49

Could he drive you? To compromise. If you live in town centre I agree you should have the car but if there is nothing around where you live then he needs the car. Having kids and no way of getting about sucks

Freefall212 · 21/04/2023 17:50

I'm suprised to hear how many posters are or were SAHP who bussed into town with your babies / toddlers during the day between school drop off and pick up. Of the SAHMs I know, none head on the bus into town most days with their toddlers while their other kids are at school. They either live in walking distance of parks / shops or have a car or a ride etc. I guess it varies by what you are used to as to seeing a bus as not an inconvenience at all with kids vs finding it an inconvenience.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 21/04/2023 17:55

You get the car. On the basis that his whole argument for getting the car is 'because I want to' whereas yours is what's best for the family (ie a mum that isnt completely knackered, and a dad that hasn't got into trouble for being late because his wife's train was delayed and he couldnt leave the kids alone). The 'I dont like buses' is pathetic

CountZacular · 21/04/2023 17:56

Freefall212 · 21/04/2023 17:31

I didn't say it was impossible. I said of course it can be done if essential and one has to do it, but most SAHP aren't schlepping about on buses during the day with a one year old to go to the park or a play group or a short outing.

Show quote history

I had the car at home and still took the bus regularly on mat leave because it was more convenient getting into town and cheaper than parking. I don’t know why you are assuming it’s such a hardship.

PuttingDownRoots · 21/04/2023 17:56

Catching a bus is hardly a mission to Mars. Even with a toddler.

The issue is society has become so car centric that some people can't imagine life without a car. Such as OPs husband.

Plus... toddlers often find buses exciting.