Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New job and one car who do you think should have it?

226 replies

Saltandpepperchipss · 21/04/2023 12:27

I’ll start by pointing out that we are absolutely skint as in no savings left otherwise we would buy a car. We’ve finally moved in to our house and everything has pretty much gone on renovations.

My new job is 40 mins away I will be working 9-5 at the start then eventually mostly hybrid.

DH will be with the kids until I get back so he will do all school runs and then will be with DS at home during day.

Kids school is across the road so he will be walking them to and from school.

His argument is that he will be stuck in the house all day with DS and refuses to use Ubers etc.

I can get the train and a bus but it’s just such a long day and it means il be home in time for DH to go to work. Otherwise he was planning on changing his hours.

AIBU to think I should have use of the car? And going shopping and visiting friends isn’t essential. He goes out a lot with his brother in the week and BIL has his own car.

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 21/04/2023 14:15

DuesExMachina · 21/04/2023 14:11

Not on MN- life without a car isn't worth living apparently

Show quote history

Well it depends on the journey and availability of public transport. A 40 minute drive could easily be 2 hours on the bus, and far more expensive, given that they already have the car.

The OP has offered to share but he's not having any of it. He wants the OP to significantly inconvenience herself so he doesn't have to use any public transport at all. Why should she be the only one to give up use of the car?

He could arrange his time so he goes local places or those easily accessible by bus/Uber on the days she has the car, and further afield if he had it a day a week. But no, he wants the car available all the time, even if he has no plans that need it.

Rewis · 21/04/2023 14:15

Well I guess it depends how much he needs the car? Like is the only option the backyard if there is no car. Or can he walk 10min to town, are there busses every 15min that goes everywhere? If theirninyl option is backyard then I think sharing is good. If he just can't be asked to walk 0.5mi then that's different.

Paintandpots · 21/04/2023 14:17

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 21/04/2023 12:29

I think you should get the train. Zero point in the car being sat outside your work all day when it’s only 40 mins

A commute of 40 minutes on public transport where you need to take a bus and a train (and i can guarantee the train or bus will be delayed or late or worse just doesn't show up) VS a comfortable and quick commute in the car.
I would take the car if i was in your shoes
In fact your other half should insist upon it. They, i assume can still use the car to get to their place of work too right?
Car is more important for getting to work, not for socialising with mates or doing shopping that could be done on the weekend if needs be... assuming that you will have the weekend where the car will be at home available for that sort of thing.

Lcb123 · 21/04/2023 14:18

Share it. We share a car, it's not difficult.

Freefall212 · 21/04/2023 14:19

People are calling him all kinds of names for not lugging a one year old around on the bus system and being limited to where buses go in whatever weather - you will be shocked to find out that people like OP - you know working adults - actually use public transportation to commute to work. So the idea that she must have a car as she is working during the day and couldn't possibly be expected to use public transportation yet he is a useless tool for not wanting to be on the bus with a toddler is just odd. An adult by themself can't use a train or bus to get to work but an adult with a toddler should just love only having access to public transportation?

Share the car.

pussycatinfluffyslippers · 21/04/2023 14:19

Depends on the car tbh.

Is it a new rather than a couple of yrs old, fairly expensive BMW, Audi etc or an SUV etc...

Or is it a decent 2nd hand Ford or Vauxhall, maybe an estate.?

There is a reason for this.

We swapped from 2 bigger (one older) cars to 2 small cars (think polo, corsa, fiesta) so we had a new-ish one each.

It works out to about half with Road Tax and insurance so we technically only have to pay for one extra service and MOT to have 2 cars. We'd have to pay for fuel either way and these are more economical anyway.

travailtotravel · 21/04/2023 14:21

So, he's a knob but what is the actual cost of your commute by train/bus/taxi vs his actual cost/need to get the shopping/go to playgroup. That might be a way to demonstrate the cost to him (shouldn't have to, obvs). Also then, perhaps he might like to get a job and commute and you stay at home instead. At least as a point back to him, he would still presumably expect to get the car and would be happy to leave you to use the bus etc, you've at least hoisted him by his own argument and exposed his double standard as you debate the different points of merit here.

BrainWontWorkAnymore · 21/04/2023 14:22

if he’s not willing to get the bus, you get the car. If he’s willing to negotiate, you get the car 3 days a week, him twice. Another option is you commute in, they all come to bring you home.

if he has the car on ANY day, he does all the food shopping. That would be non negotiable for me

MargotBamborough · 21/04/2023 14:22

On the basis that he could take Ubers or get a bike with a child seat on the back, I think you should have the car. Perhaps compromise by taking the train once a week.

Snaaaaacks · 21/04/2023 14:22

I'd say the person working should get the car, when I was on mat leave my husband always had the car for work as it would be a lot of extra faff and expense on top of doing a long day at work. I also had to walk 25 min to school/nursery for the other children so ×4 in a day, I was never fat post baby put it that way. If he needs to go somewhere he walks or takes the bus, it isn't difficult and it isn't like you have the same time pressures as someone travelling to work.

Oldnproud · 21/04/2023 14:24

CornishGem1975 · 21/04/2023 13:19

The refusal to use public transport was a bit of a drip feed.

Not really - the OP said in first post that he "refuses to use Ubers etc.". The public transport must have been included in the "etc."

Freefall212 · 21/04/2023 14:25

Do most Ubers have car seats? I haven't seen that and use Uber often but I don't travel with a one year old.

TheFlis12345 · 21/04/2023 14:28

I bet he soon changes his tune when faced with the reality of having to get 3 small kids up, dressed and in car seats ready to leave and drop OP at the station by 7.30 each morning!

Ponderingwindow · 21/04/2023 14:28

He has a 1year old with him. That means a car seat needs to be installed on the car. Uber isn’t practical.

sharing the car so you both have days with easier transport would be my solution

IcedBananas · 21/04/2023 14:28

Madness to be getting the whole family up and to the station at 7:30 every day to drop you off. Surely you’ll miss the train some days with 3 kids to get ready and out? You take the car. If he really needs it for something in particular you can leave the car with him 1 day per week

MargaretThursday · 21/04/2023 14:28

We've had 1 car for years, but dh was (normally) close enough to cycle, which obviously you aren't.

From the pov of someone doing that for a long time, you need to both compromise and make concessions.
I'd say the best thing would be for you to take the car some days and not others. So you agree that you'll take the car two days, he can have it 3, but you'd also expect him to spend one of those days doing the food shop, for example.

It does depend on how much stuff is close and walkable. If the toddler group, school, football/swimming afterschool, and a park are all walkable then it's a different situation from if 4 days a week he'd like to do things but can't without a taxi.
If nothing else, if you have a preschooler, if you take a uber then your dc won't be in a car seat, or your dh has to lug one around-that would be a huge part of it for me.

So have a chat together. What does he want to do? What days? Can you generally take it two days? If he knows he's not going to need it the evening before he tells you, and you can take it. If something comes up (eg children's party) and he needs the car, he also lets you know as soon as possible and he gets it, without a complaint!

Freefall212 · 21/04/2023 14:30

IcedBananas · 21/04/2023 14:28

Madness to be getting the whole family up and to the station at 7:30 every day to drop you off. Surely you’ll miss the train some days with 3 kids to get ready and out? You take the car. If he really needs it for something in particular you can leave the car with him 1 day per week

She can uber to the station - not reasonable to expect SAHP to get 3 children up to drive dad / mom to the station early in the am.

Freefall212 · 21/04/2023 14:30

Or given there is this amazing easy access bus stop right outside the door, she can take that to get to the train station if uber is too costly

MargotBamborough · 21/04/2023 14:31

Saltandpepperchipss · 21/04/2023 13:52

@Devoutspoken 🤣🤣🤣

I have just brought it up to him again and same response “ I drive cars not get on buses”

I’m happy to share but don’t think that will happen.

So he thinks it's fine for you to use public transport every day (costing you literally hours of your time every week) so that he doesn't have to use public transport ever?

Have I got that right?

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 21/04/2023 14:38

Saltandpepperchipss · 21/04/2023 12:44

If I got the train he would have to drop me about 7:30 then train is 45 minutes wait for a bus then 10 minutes on the bus. It isn’t the worst journey but it’s just a super long day. Kids would have to be up earlier and be dressed ready to drop me at the train station for 7:30.

It’s not ideal and I wouldn’t take this job if it wasn’t such a a good opportunity l.

That sounds like enough of a ballache that he might get fed up with it more quickly than he thinks. It would be ok if the kids were both preschool aged so they were then at leisure, but having to go back and fit a school run in won't be a fun morning.

In his shoes I'd probably rather just get the bus, although I've never minded public transport anyway.

LittleOwl153 · 21/04/2023 14:40

Well either the car is for commuting... younto work in the day, them him tonwork in the evening...

Or its available for the kids and commutes to work are done on public transport ...

He certainly doesn't get the car for both parts of the day!

Oh and if he has to take you to the station does this mean he thinks you are going to get the kids sorted as well as yourself and he shuffles out of bed intime to drive rather than him having to sort the kids after you've left to get them out for school...

Tbh OP I do t think this childcare set up is going to last - he seems too selfish.

SkyandSurf · 21/04/2023 14:41

His lordship thinks you should spend every day on public transportation, which he is too good for.

What a prince.

LittleOwl153 · 21/04/2023 14:43

Or he's trying to sabotage the OPs job ... does he actually want to deal with the kids all day then go to work?

SkyandSurf · 21/04/2023 14:43

LittleOwl153 · 21/04/2023 14:40

Well either the car is for commuting... younto work in the day, them him tonwork in the evening...

Or its available for the kids and commutes to work are done on public transport ...

He certainly doesn't get the car for both parts of the day!

Oh and if he has to take you to the station does this mean he thinks you are going to get the kids sorted as well as yourself and he shuffles out of bed intime to drive rather than him having to sort the kids after you've left to get them out for school...

Tbh OP I do t think this childcare set up is going to last - he seems too selfish.

I agree with this.

He's too selfish to be a SAHP. I don't see how this set up will work.

OP, what are the plans regarding his return to work? Is the one year old down for a nursery place?

I'd be telling that selfish git to get back into the workforce and pay for the lifestyle he thinks he's entitled to.

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 21/04/2023 14:44

Is he not setting himself up for a pretty annoying evening too? Probably having to bundle the kids in the car and collect OP right in the middle of what would normally be tea time? The one year old will be a joy.