To not pay for family meal

[westenminster]

Name change as friends lurk here
My Dh and I have 2 dc. He has 3 from his first marriage, I have a good relationship with my 3dsc. There's no issues.

They are older now, range 24-28. All work.

We tend to go out to eat for birthdays, nothing fancy just getting together even if in a pub.

When the older kids were students we would pay. They are now all working and have partners who are also working. Since they've all been in work we all agreed they'd pay their own way at meals. After all, us paying for 6 adults (partners included) is quite a hit to our pockets and we can't afford that.

Next week it's my youngest birthday and we've arrange a meal one evening but one of my dsc has said they can't come because they can't afford.

I say, fair enough, come round at the weekend and I'll make cake and you can celebrate with them then. It's my thought you can either come or not, no big deal. After all sometimes others miss out when they're working/busy.

My dh doesn't agree, he thinks we should pay for my dsc so they don't miss family time.

I say it's unfair to treat one and not all. We can't afford to pay for all.

Just wondered what others think?

Pay for it . You organised it in the pub , they are nit extended family , they are their brothers and your husbands children .

I think if he is genuinely short of money, if he is in a worse financial position than his siblings I would pay. If he is just reckless with his money and never has anything then I wouldn’t unless your child particularly wants them there and would be disappointed. I can understand why your husband would want him there.

I think as this is your husbands child I’d let him decide. I really don’t think it should be your final say.

You are overthinking it. Your dsc just has other things going on & prioritising socialising with friends or a new car a holiday (or whatever the thing is!!) This is normal for young adult. You say you see them all the time anyway. Just say no problem see you for cake at ours on x if you free.

Neither of you are being unreasonable, you for wanting them to pay for themselves nor your DH for wanting to pay for his child to enable them to go. As a one off I would probably pay, it's nice to treat your children - even if they are grown up - once in a while.

I have said it will be his final day and I'll support that x

The focus should be on your DC's birthday not a grown adult testing boundaries. I would be suspicious that the mother is using her children to triangulate your family. Their dad should offer a loan to his DC so that no one can play the victim and claim to have missed out (and remember being excluded from your family boo hoo etc). Make sure he gets paid back or else you will be told off for not treating them all the same!

I’m afraid I also think you’re looking for obstacles to put in his way. There is no need for him to pay for everyone as one kid can’t afford it and there is no reason for him to habe the bring a partner, your husband can certainly say we prefer you to be there, I will cover, can’t afford to pay your partner, and quite frankly that’s what I’d be suggesting.

I've suggested to Dh that he give dsc funds to pay for their meal so that it doesn't stick out to the others that he has been paid for

I've left it with him to discuss with her and will see what comes of that

It's been helpful getting all perspectives. I appreciate you're not always right in what you think and need others input

I'll also be considering how we deal with things like this moving forward.
I think possibly the local pub where you can dip In and dip out is better! Trust DC to want to go fancier this year

What? That’s a serious twist to blame the woman. Good god.

I do feel sad that their birthday has turned into this!

But it didn’t need to its batshit.

And I don't think their mother has anything to do with this. She's just better off and can afford to pay for them all!

The kids know our situation is different.

I don’t have £25 spare and I work. I would prioritise my bills before going out.

@Daisiesandprimroses none of the kids are privy to this conversation. It's between me and Dh and you lot.

I suspect this, too.

They might not be flush, but I bet if they wanted some lovely shoes, to go out with friends, get a haircut etc, they'd have the money - they just don't particularly want to spend it on a family evening.

There is always someone though that will twist and turn and try to blame the woman. Misogyny at its finest.

Testing boundaries...
A grown adult is prioritising their social life over a younger siblings birthday treat. One of them is 28.
It's perfectly normal, actually. Pushing boundaries 🤯

I think if you pay for one, then it’s only fair you pay for all, otherwise the other siblings could end up feeling resentful.. I know I would. After all, we’d all like to save ourselves some money whenever we can. This just sounds like a they have different priorities ( which of course is fine) but they just have to accept they can’t have it all. Your suggestion of tea and cake sounds like a good compromise and I would stick to your guns.

It sounds like they are guilt tripping by claiming they cannot afford it. You’ll set a precedent if you go ahead and pay for them.

I think I would ask if they want a loan on the side, but not expect it back. But it depends on siblings, I personally wouldn't care like you but in other family dynamics they might and also it's a couple, not a single adult, so the other siblings might be more put out about it. Same goes they might not want their siblings knowing their financial situation so would rather not go and draw attention to it. It's a tough one I think, it depends on individual situation and people.

’can’t really afford it but you guys have fun, I’ll come round for cake another day’ reads like an excuse to politely get out of going, preferable to ‘going to skip it because I’ve got other thing I’d prefer to do’ tbh.

In my experience someone who wants to go would ask to borrow the money to cover the night, either from a parent or sibling.

It was never like that in our family. One or two of my brothers was always a bit skint and as it was either me or my mother paying, we'd just pay because we could and because no way would a family member be left out.

I earn enough and wouldn't ever expect to be paid for. I wouldn't have a problem with somebody paying for my sibling and not me, that's bonkers.

Why not take this approach and suggest to the other two adult children and their partners that they shoulder the cost of their sibling and their partners meal and drinks?

Would they be open to that?

I think if it a big family outing/celebration meal and one can't join due to fund of you pay for them. Tell them you can't pay for their partner, which is frankly absurd for them to suggest if you are doing them a favour in this instance.

in fact you can give them a budget and give them the cash when they arrive or transfer it them so they can pay themselves and if they go over thats their responsibility.

it doesn't need to be a family announcement or a recurring thing, its a COL crisis lots of people are worse off at the moment, its nice to help if you can.

You can't get a decent meal out with drinks for £25