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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for family meal

404 replies

westenminster · 21/04/2023 07:39

Name change as friends lurk here
My Dh and I have 2 dc. He has 3 from his first marriage, I have a good relationship with my 3dsc. There's no issues.

They are older now, range 24-28. All work.

We tend to go out to eat for birthdays, nothing fancy just getting together even if in a pub.

When the older kids were students we would pay. They are now all working and have partners who are also working. Since they've all been in work we all agreed they'd pay their own way at meals. After all, us paying for 6 adults (partners included) is quite a hit to our pockets and we can't afford that.

Next week it's my youngest birthday and we've arrange a meal one evening but one of my dsc has said they can't come because they can't afford.

I say, fair enough, come round at the weekend and I'll make cake and you can celebrate with them then. It's my thought you can either come or not, no big deal. After all sometimes others miss out when they're working/busy.

My dh doesn't agree, he thinks we should pay for my dsc so they don't miss family time.

I say it's unfair to treat one and not all. We can't afford to pay for all.

Just wondered what others think?

OP posts:
YouveGotToGrooveIt · 21/04/2023 09:52

*But they are also asking for their partner to be paid for.

If they're struggling they should have said they will come alone, not expect their partner to be paid for as well.*

To be fair, we don't know that they are expecting this or have asked for it. They've simply said they won't come as they cannot afford it.

Crazykatie · 21/04/2023 09:53

If we gather the family together for meal at a restaurant we pay for everyone, there are children so we choose a budget place with a carvery and a play area. Everyone is happy cost is reasonable, alternative is a meal at home but there are now too many to have all together.

A meal with friends split the bill, although some prefer to pay for what they had, that’s OK but gets complicated.

CheshireCat1 · 21/04/2023 09:55

I would just have a celebration at home for all the family and lay out a fancy buffet and ask everyone to bring a bottle.

Original poster
westenminster · 21/04/2023 09:58

YouveGotToGrooveIt · 21/04/2023 09:52

*But they are also asking for their partner to be paid for.

If they're struggling they should have said they will come alone, not expect their partner to be paid for as well.*

To be fair, we don't know that they are expecting this or have asked for it. They've simply said they won't come as they cannot afford it.

They all have long term 3+ years partners who come to everything. Its never really discussed they just come as a pair!!

OP posts:
Ladderback · 21/04/2023 09:59

It seems likely that the adult stepchild just isn't into an expensive meal out for a child's birthday. They'd rather spend any spare funds elsewhere. Maybe inviting the stepchildren to these meals just puts pressure on them to find the money to eat out. I'd be inclined to go out as a 4 for birthdays and also have a lunch celebration for all at the house.

MountainChalet · 21/04/2023 09:59

As it's a celebration I would pay for everyone as if it was a party. Probably would spend more doing a party at home.

Winter2020 · 21/04/2023 10:00

This is very much like when a young adult is in work and their parents say that they can still come on holiday with them if they like but they’ll have to pay. It will be “no thanks!” In a few years time when the young adult has more money and a better appreciation of family time they might reconsider.

As you have mentioned this young person is still going out with friends but when asked if they could get their own drinks “partner can’t afford a single thing” - I’m sure they (the step child) could get their partner a coke if they chose!

It is pretty clear if you will shout them a three course meal and all the drinks they will come. If they have to pay for even a cola themselves then they don’t want to bother.

Don’t mention the meal to them again just arrange the tea and cake times.

Unless this person was far and away the poorest sibling then I wouldn’t pay and even then it’s dodgey ground. What if a sibling sees them get 3 courses and all the trimmings and in their opinion they “earn twice what they earn”/have just been to the Carribean/have 5k saved for a house/are out getting pissed every weekend….. and lower earning/less savings/can’t afford a holiday sibling feels aggrieved and thinks their brother/sister is taking the piss - or worse is the favourite.

lubileejubilee · 21/04/2023 10:00

I would pay for DSC meal on this occasion. Treating fairly doesn't mean spending the same on everyone at the exact same time. There may be similar meals in future where this DSC can afford to go but another can't.

It's a shame to miss out on a family meal solely because things are tight financially. I have two older siblings who, over the years, have received more financial help than me, but I would never complain because I have friends who haven't received a fraction of the help from their parents as I have from mine.

I would rather my parents paid for my siblings and not me if it meant we could all be there, as family gatherings are few and far between ime.

Ooolaaaala · 21/04/2023 10:05

I think it’s telling or cheeky that the young adult who says they can’t afford it - is now saying their partner can’t afford it either.

Either they don’t want to come or they are behaving in a really entitled manner.

I can’t see how you can justify paying for their partners day out when you don’t currently pay for the other adult children in the family.

Equally I don’t think it should be a 3 line whip that this young couple are expected to pay out on stuff they don’t want to (and you have not asked them to).

Just look for a compromise.

There are lots of practical suggestions about how to skin this cat for this one instance and going forward.

Mamafromthebeach · 21/04/2023 10:10

Honestly I would just go with what you have said ie

”Not a problem - I will shout you and your partner on your birthday. Please pop around on the weekend for cake and a couple of drinks”.

I suspect as others have said - they don’t really want to come unless it is a free meal. Which is perfectly fine except this time it isn’t.

Inviting them and then asking for them to come for cake to celebrate is still including them.

Holly60 · 21/04/2023 10:11

westenminster · 21/04/2023 08:21

So, yes all 5 children are Dh's.

I have considered knocking the meal thing on the head, but am reluctant for the younger children to miss out on something they (and I) enjoy when the older children have always had the chance to experience it.

I did suggest dh loan dsc the money without the others knowing, and he is pondering that. One of his ideas was we just go out as a 4 in future but I'm against that. We've always involved the older kids and I wouldn't want that to change, just don't want to be taken advantage of.

It's always quite a laid back affair, we never expect people to attend, it's not always all of us there...as I said it's who is free. There are times when even I've missed out because I've been visiting family.

It's become much more expensive because the older children drink. And they don't reel it in if we pay..... they'd order a 3 course and all the drinks!! (I mean would too! Grin)

Could you offer to pay for food and not drink?

What you could do is gift some money to DSC for meal and then give the same amount the others? That way you aren't paying specifically for the meal, so it's not setting a precedent, but you are being fair

SmallAngryPenguinWoman · 21/04/2023 10:12

I find these threads so depressing how cheap parents are towards their own children and stepchildren. No wonder young adults have so many issues now.

What have I just read??? I am speeding towards 50, my parents are nearly 80 - should my parents pay for me & my DH because we're the "children"?
My children are almost adults - who should pay for them? (I obviously do because they're still in school) but should their GPs because?

My parents are not cheap towards me, or my siblings, in fact they are very generous. But when we all go out for dinner - 10 adults, 2 teenagers with adult appetites, 4 younger children - should my parents fork out for the lot? You have to draw the line somewhere, and that is when the children start working and earning for themselves. I am pretty sure me and my siblings have a lot more income than my retired parents.

OP, your suggestion is perfect! That way they can see their sibling for their birthday, celebrate with the family, and also save their money (& possibly evening) to spend as they wish.

dittbtdity · 21/04/2023 10:20

Thelastofbus · 21/04/2023 07:53

I think it’s a bit sad if the whole family can’t be there as it is a ‘special occasion’. I think if it was just a casual Sunday lunch out I’d not pay, but as it’s a family birthday I’d want everyone to be there if possible, so either I would pay or I’d do a family meal/celebration at home.

OP has noted that DSC is still going out with friends, so it sounds like DSC is prioritising where they spend their money and it's not on a dinner with her family.

'I can't afford it'......is an excuse used by many people when they don't want to spend their money on other people's ideas.

UndercoverCop · 21/04/2023 10:20

I would always pay for DS and any partner so they didn't miss out, BUT I only have one child. Different choices and compromises have to be made in larger families unless money is plentiful.
I think your offer is fine and the twenty something probably isn't that fussed about missing dinner for their nine year old half sibling.

Marchitectmummy · 21/04/2023 10:21

I would pay for them, you are inviting them to come to something and eat out when perhaps they would have stayed at home.

In my mind you can't invite someone then not pay whether friend or relative.

Bananaduck · 21/04/2023 10:21

I think that in their early to mid twenties a child's birthday tea is not their main priority. They'd probably like to go but not if it means missing a night out with their mates. They are probably fine not going as they have made the choice.

Your DH has had 5 children. 5 children makes family meals out expensive. I think if he wants to continue to have all his children and all their partners out for a meal together he will have to sometimes pay for them. If he wants a big family celebration with all of his children there he should arrange take aways with everybody bringing a bottle of wine or children's parties that his older children can just come to with a present.

I'm in my 30s and wouldn't necessarily want to spend my spare going out money on a 10 year old's party. You can't spend people's money for them. If one of his children doesn't want to spend money this month on attending your child's party you have to either just let them not go or pay for them. I wouldn't offer a loan. They won't want to be in debt for it either.

Original poster
westenminster · 21/04/2023 10:21

@SmallAngryPenguinWoman Thank you Flowers

I was starting to doubt myself and wondered if I was being mean spirited.
Our intentions to include the older ones on the younger ones celebrating has become harder

We have tried so hard to treat all 5 equally and like to think we have been generous with our support when they've needed it. The older dsc also get support from ther dm and dsd, as well as family celebrations with them

I don't think it's unreasonable to want to treat out youngest, without having to spend on the the older, earning adults.

But I will consider everyone's point of view and they've certainly given me food for thought (no pun intended)

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 21/04/2023 10:23

I agree with Shinyandnew1's post. This is your child's birthday, not a random no-reason trip out to eat. I would order a takeaway or buy some supermarket pizzas and a cake and do that if you want to include everybody.

I wouldn't want to exclude any family member 'for cost'.

Any other non-birthday event though I'd revert back to what you're already doing - everybody pays for themselves.

Novynu · 21/04/2023 10:23

Totalwasteofpaper · 21/04/2023 07:44

Yanbu.

I guarantee they have £25 spare if working they are just prioritising spending on other things.

I work. I’m poor. I have about £25 a week for food and travel. Some people do not have £25 that they could spend elsewhere.

Freefall212 · 21/04/2023 10:24

SmallAngryPenguinWoman · 21/04/2023 10:12

I find these threads so depressing how cheap parents are towards their own children and stepchildren. No wonder young adults have so many issues now.

What have I just read??? I am speeding towards 50, my parents are nearly 80 - should my parents pay for me & my DH because we're the "children"?
My children are almost adults - who should pay for them? (I obviously do because they're still in school) but should their GPs because?

My parents are not cheap towards me, or my siblings, in fact they are very generous. But when we all go out for dinner - 10 adults, 2 teenagers with adult appetites, 4 younger children - should my parents fork out for the lot? You have to draw the line somewhere, and that is when the children start working and earning for themselves. I am pretty sure me and my siblings have a lot more income than my retired parents.

OP, your suggestion is perfect! That way they can see their sibling for their birthday, celebrate with the family, and also save their money (& possibly evening) to spend as they wish.

No need to pay for everyone. There is one person who can't afford it. We are four adult siblings. Three of us do very well financially and the fourth is my sister who si a single parent and she struggles financially. I can't imagine excluding her and her daughter from all the family celebrations because she can't contribute her fair share. We all chip in to be sure they can always attend - I can't imagine sending her the mesage is that she really isn't rich enough to be part of the family. We are currently planning a milestone party for my dad. He would be horrified if she and daughter didn't attend because she hadn't been able to contribute 1/4 of the expenses. Money doesn't drive our family relationships. We want everyone together - even the ones who aren't as well off. We help each other out in different ways all the time, there is no sense of once you turn 18 - you need to do everything for yourself with no help from anyone and you only get included in family activities and celebrations if you have the cash up front.

In this case, the adult child's father wants to help the adult child out so they can attend a family celebration - to say no, we don't help each other - let them struggle on their own and if someday they are richer, they can rejoin us for family events is just a completely bizarre and foreign way of treating family.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 21/04/2023 10:25

I've just essentially repeated Bananaduck's post; totally agree with the approach.

rookiemere · 21/04/2023 10:25

This is no reflection on the OP and her suggestion that adults pay for themselves is a fine one, because they can't afford to treat everyone on an ongoing basis.

However in general I kind of think whoever gets most benefit from the outing should pay - provided they can afford it comfortably. I know with us DS 17 doesn't particularly want to come on holiday with us now, so as a young adult in the future I would expect us to pay for him and potentially his DP if he did come away, ditto for meals.

With my DPs we now pay as we order online and get takeout food as DM refuses to go to a restaurant since covid.

Weatherwax134 · 21/04/2023 10:25

Tbh, if I had the money I'd pay. I don't think your offer is unreasonable necessarily, but I wouldn't want my child/step-child to miss out if it was just a bit of a one off. If it became a habit then it would be different.

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/04/2023 10:27

CheshireCat1 · 21/04/2023 09:55

I would just have a celebration at home for all the family and lay out a fancy buffet and ask everyone to bring a bottle.

@CheshireCat1

thats just more expense for op which doesn’t seem fair
if she can’t pay for a meal out for everyone she probably can’t afford to lay on a “fancy buffet” either!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 21/04/2023 10:29

My family approach is like Freefall2012's. We wouldn't ever leave anybody out and certainly not as described in SmallAngryPenguinWoman's post; that would be abhorrent to us but, you liked that particular post, OP...

I imagine your husband is not happy with your willingness to exclude a family member and in his place, I would be paying to allow them to attend... and if I had to cut back on one of my own cost things, that's what I'd do.

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