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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for family meal

404 replies

westenminster · 21/04/2023 07:39

Name change as friends lurk here
My Dh and I have 2 dc. He has 3 from his first marriage, I have a good relationship with my 3dsc. There's no issues.

They are older now, range 24-28. All work.

We tend to go out to eat for birthdays, nothing fancy just getting together even if in a pub.

When the older kids were students we would pay. They are now all working and have partners who are also working. Since they've all been in work we all agreed they'd pay their own way at meals. After all, us paying for 6 adults (partners included) is quite a hit to our pockets and we can't afford that.

Next week it's my youngest birthday and we've arrange a meal one evening but one of my dsc has said they can't come because they can't afford.

I say, fair enough, come round at the weekend and I'll make cake and you can celebrate with them then. It's my thought you can either come or not, no big deal. After all sometimes others miss out when they're working/busy.

My dh doesn't agree, he thinks we should pay for my dsc so they don't miss family time.

I say it's unfair to treat one and not all. We can't afford to pay for all.

Just wondered what others think?

OP posts:
NewtonsCradle · 21/04/2023 11:14

Daisiesandprimroses · 21/04/2023 10:41

What? That’s a serious twist to blame the woman. Good god.

Show quote history

You've twisted my comment, it's a family event and the dynamics involve the whole family. I didn't 'blame the woman' (for context the OP, the DSC and the DSC are all adult women who are having to manage their own boundaries).

greyhairnomore · 21/04/2023 11:18

Totalwasteofpaper · 21/04/2023 07:44

Yanbu.

I guarantee they have £25 spare if working they are just prioritising spending on other things.

Not necessarily especially if just before payday.
I've been down to zero £.

rookiemere · 21/04/2023 11:18

I think people are reading too much into the young couples decline.

If they were very keen to go then they would find a way to do it, or suggest somewhere cheaper. It's either not something they want to spend their disposable income on, or they don't particularly want to go, or they genuinely can't afford it.

It's not like the family spends no time together, they can still come for cake.

Tourmalines · 21/04/2023 11:18

determinedtomakethiswork · 21/04/2023 09:26

It's so funny how people think it's okay that the younger ones can't afford to pay for themselves but the op should be able to pay for ten of them.

Exactly my thought. Op seems to have money floating out of her ass by some peoples posts , yet she is the one raising and bringing up for 2 kids already, with DH of course . Yet the single dsc and dp both can’t afford it, BUT do still go out according to op. No, I wouldn’t pay.

SVRT19674 · 21/04/2023 11:24

Actually, i´d knock the meal on the head for everyone and have cake and drinks at home. Times have changed, I don´t do half of what i used to do as with prices escalation I can´t afford it. And no, I don´t have a spare 25 pounds.

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/04/2023 11:26

Tourmalines · 21/04/2023 11:18

Exactly my thought. Op seems to have money floating out of her ass by some peoples posts , yet she is the one raising and bringing up for 2 kids already, with DH of course . Yet the single dsc and dp both can’t afford it, BUT do still go out according to op. No, I wouldn’t pay.

Show quote history

Yup

dont see how anyone could argue with this!!?

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/04/2023 11:36

Looking at it from the adult dsc’s perspective, they may well be doing the maths. £80 per couple 5-7 times a year is between £350 and £560. That’s a heck of a chunk of money. Then they may be wondering how many years you want to keep this up. Your younger ones are a long way off 18 by the sound of it. With inflation, this amount will grow and they could be looking at a 10 year outlay of up to 7k. That’s a lot of money to spend on going out every 7 and a half weeks (based on 7 meals) when you meet up every week.

Would you have been ok for your family to put that expectation on you when you were in your 20s? I would not have been ok with this at all. It would have felt pretty controlling and would have tried to back out gracefully, then perhaps not so gracefully.

It’s lovely that you’re close. But you can be close and spend a lot less money. I’m not surprised you can’t afford £400 5/7 times a year and really think it’s time to consider that they’re at a different stage in life.

Your dcs aren’t missing out. They’re getting different experiences from your dscs. For starters, they have the privilege of adult siblings, who clearly love them very much and are very involved in their lives. What you’re giving them already is priceless and a meal out as a whole group would be lovely from time to time but really isn’t a necessity so frequently as it cheapens the event and may be making it feel like an obligation to some of your dsc. Their partners also have their own families to see and visit, spend time with etc.

SparklyBlackKitten · 21/04/2023 11:39

So much drama and so much stereotypical stepmum behaviour .

Take your kid out to the place he wants
And celebrate separately with you entire family at home with a home cooked pasta meal.

Wouldn't it be nice to be inclusive instead of having such a segregation between your kids and dh's kids (btw ALL of them are his)

I honestly don't get it.

Timetotellyou · 21/04/2023 11:42

My younger sister was down her luck a while back, she had just started a new job and took a temporary hit in her salary .... we had a birthday dinner come up and my mother covered her costs ... I'm sure if it were me in that situation my mother would do the same. Neither me nor my older sister seen this as "unfair" 😅 That in itself sounds very childish since your DSC are adults, surely they know that life has its ups and downs and would understand. There's also the option of just not telling the other older DSC if you really do think they would demand you pay for them also, you can offer discreetly. Helping as and when necessary, to me, is part of being a parent. However, you 100% do not need to cover the costs of everyone that attends.

I read your update that said this particular DSC still goes out at weekends... have you considered maybe they're not so broke but instead just don't want to go 🤷🏼‍♀️ and are just using money as an excuse? I've done that when my parents want me to go to a family function and I just don't want to and I think I'll be guilted into it if I'm honest about it.... you also said they bring partners, are these boyfriends/girlfriends or spouses? Just curious why you would need to cover the cost of a partner if they're financially independent of your DSC. That's a little cheeky tbh I wouldn't let my partners family pay for my meal. If we were broke, and it was suggested his parents would pay I'd suggest he goes alone. I like my partners family but they are his family, not mine, my presence isn't needed and I'd rather not have his parents out of pocket on me just so they can have their sons company at a family dinner.

Original poster
westenminster · 21/04/2023 11:43

SparklyBlackKitten · 21/04/2023 11:39

So much drama and so much stereotypical stepmum behaviour .

Take your kid out to the place he wants
And celebrate separately with you entire family at home with a home cooked pasta meal.

Wouldn't it be nice to be inclusive instead of having such a segregation between your kids and dh's kids (btw ALL of them are his)

I honestly don't get it.

This is an unfair comment but I suspect you meant it to be

OP posts:
WhoBird · 21/04/2023 11:47

if your DH wants to pay for them then he can.

you would not leave one of your own children out of a family meal, even as adults, no matter what the rule you might be your feel differently.

Seaweed42 · 21/04/2023 11:55

The adult kid likely doesn't want to go.
Have the smaller meal out with the birthday child who does not have a problem with any of this.
It's only yourself that has the issue with needing them all to be there at the restaurant place.
Accept that things change because people are older.
Don't let your DH start paying for one adult kid and not the other.
That's not fair. It'll cause ructions if it's discovered that one adult child is being treated by Dad and the others expected to pay.

thoroughlymodernmummy · 21/04/2023 11:55

Since

Original poster
westenminster · 21/04/2023 12:04

WhoBird · 21/04/2023 11:47

if your DH wants to pay for them then he can.

you would not leave one of your own children out of a family meal, even as adults, no matter what the rule you might be your feel differently.

As I've said, we will discuss it further and possibly he will

My issue wasn't him paying, I was asking if fair to pay for one and not all others and at what point we are stopping and is it fair to pay for partners

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 21/04/2023 12:07

SparklyBlackKitten · 21/04/2023 11:39

So much drama and so much stereotypical stepmum behaviour .

Take your kid out to the place he wants
And celebrate separately with you entire family at home with a home cooked pasta meal.

Wouldn't it be nice to be inclusive instead of having such a segregation between your kids and dh's kids (btw ALL of them are his)

I honestly don't get it.

@SparklyBlackKitten

maybe op doesn’t wanna have to cook a home made pasta meal and clear up after eveyone?
going out to eat is supposed to be a treat for all, your suggestion is a treat for everyone except op! How is that fair?!

Pixiedust1234 · 21/04/2023 12:09

@westenminster I've only read your posts so I could be repeating others but my take on this is don't pay. They aren't really that bothered about coming and would rather prioritise spending elsewhere...and actually that is fine, they are grown ups who can budget how they like. It is hurtful that they think like this but you can't really change them.

  1. They knew a birthday was coming up - so not a surprise
  2. They knew you usually go for a meal to celebrate it - so not a surprise
  3. They knew they usually pay their own way - so not a surprise

Do the cake and presents on the day as planned.

Happhi · 21/04/2023 12:12

Not your right OP I don’t think it is fair. Where do you draw the line with this. Your not excluding them, your giving them a choice and offering a fair alternative.
Im sure you would help them out if they were genuinely struggling, but this situation is hardly a financial emergency.

Happhi · 21/04/2023 12:13

*no

Viviennemary · 21/04/2023 12:21

Just pay for everybody. It's easier. If you cant afford it don't go. Not worth the aggravation of one person left out.

Boohisspiss · 21/04/2023 12:23

We would probably pay and ask them them to take us for a cheap lunch when they could afford it.

MorrisZapp · 21/04/2023 12:31

I would pay. My step dad would pay, and my dad would pay for anyone at all who was short.

I couldn't leave anyone out.

CoozudBoyuPuak · 21/04/2023 12:36

I don't think you should subsidise one child and not the others, but it's a bit mean to plan a family celebration that is both self-funding rather than subsidised and also is outside the means of some family members. If it's going to be self-funding then you choose the venue and scale of the celebrations to suit the budget of the least well-off family member. The richer half of the family goign out for a splendid posh meal that other family members can't afford is a bit dickish frankly.

Ask the DSC who can't afford it what their reasonable budget would be, and choose an appropriate celebration that fits within that - e.g. maybe pizza, or a takeaway at home. If DSC still doesn't come then they were using "can't afford it" as code for "I don't want to be included thanks"

MysteryBelle · 21/04/2023 12:36

What you said in you first post is perfect. Your dh is wrong and being inconsistent.

MysteryBelle · 21/04/2023 12:43

Would add, with five kids, two parents and a stepparent, there’s a lot of birthdays and potential meals out. I would just do a cake at home and invite everyone for celebratory dessert instead of asking and expecting everyone to go to a restaurant and pay for meals. That would solve the problem long term. I’m not one for eating out all the time though. I would much rather cook at home. I did so much eating out with relatives for years, it’s not my thing.

Original poster
westenminster · 21/04/2023 12:49

CoozudBoyuPuak · 21/04/2023 12:36

I don't think you should subsidise one child and not the others, but it's a bit mean to plan a family celebration that is both self-funding rather than subsidised and also is outside the means of some family members. If it's going to be self-funding then you choose the venue and scale of the celebrations to suit the budget of the least well-off family member. The richer half of the family goign out for a splendid posh meal that other family members can't afford is a bit dickish frankly.

Ask the DSC who can't afford it what their reasonable budget would be, and choose an appropriate celebration that fits within that - e.g. maybe pizza, or a takeaway at home. If DSC still doesn't come then they were using "can't afford it" as code for "I don't want to be included thanks"

Usually we try. We've been asked by little one to go to a certain place. I can afford to take the 4 of us there. I've opened the invite to the oldest so they felt included, but they know as usual when we get together they pay their way, as theyre older and working. Do you suggest i tell dc no, even though it's their birthday?

OP posts: