Page 7 | To not pay for family meal

westenminster · 2023-04-21T06:39:31+00:00

Name change as friends lurk here My Dh and I have 2 dc. He has 3 from his first marriage, I have a good relationship with my 3dsc. There's no issues. They are older now, range 24-28. All work. We tend to go out to eat for birthdays, nothing fancy just getting together even if in a pub. When the older kids were students we would pay. They are now all working and have partners who are also working. Since they've all been in work we all agreed they'd pay their own way at meals. After all, us paying for 6 adults (partners included) is quite a hit to our pockets and we can't afford that. Next week it's my youngest birthday and we've arrange a meal one evening but one of my dsc has said they can't come because they can't afford. I say, fair enough, come round at the weekend and I'll make cake and you can celebrate with them then. It's my thought you can either come or not, no big deal. After all sometimes others miss out when they're working/busy. My dh doesn't agree, he thinks we should pay for my dsc so they don't miss family time. I say it's unfair to treat one and not all. We can't afford to pay for all. Just wondered what others think?

mondaytosunday · 21/04/2023 09:34

I'd change it so it's a celebration at home. You'll probably pay the same feeding everyone there than just your family at a restaurant.
As for the suggestion you Liana them the money gif them to pay back in instalments?? It's dinner, not a house extension!
Personally, if still wanting a meal out I'd pay and not make it obvious.

Redkettle · 21/04/2023 09:34

SchoolQuestionnaire · 21/04/2023 09:33

This.

I would pay on this occasion because I would want them to be there as part of a family celebration. To be honest I would pay as a matter of course but we can afford it. Families support each other when they need it, or just because they want to.

My own recently departed dm used to insist on treating the family for each of our birthdays. A couple of times we managed to sneak off and pay the bill (there are four of us, plus my dsis and her family and only one dm so it seemed so unfair) and she told us off as it was her treat. Last year on my birthday, our first proper return to normality after Covid, after a lovely dinner dh snuck off once again to secretly get the bill and was told that it was taken care of. My dm had called in ahead and told them in advance that it was her treat and the bill would be settled by her only so we couldn’t pay!! We are all relatively well off and she was a retired widow, but she wanted to treat her family. This is now a treasured memory for all of us.

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That's lovely. Xxxx

mainsfed · 21/04/2023 09:34

Ponoka7 · 21/04/2023 07:44

I agree that you have to apply the same principle to your biological children.

Her bio children are too young to work though.

Her DSC would have been paid for when they were kids too.

Thegoodbadandugly · 21/04/2023 09:34

What you have said is absolutely fine.

Whiteroomjoy · 21/04/2023 09:36

A meal for 10 at each of 5 or even seven birthdays per year is a massive outlay. In truth it is a big outlay for anyone even out of their own money.
sometimes it’s hard to break old family traditions that have made their way into family culture and start new ones. Like some I had to accept that over covid but it did make me let go of a few things we’d done since my adult kids were little and establish new ways that I actually like now they’re adults. Similarly my divorce 2 years ago meant I had to make changes to these traditions- I have to “share” seeing my adults kids with their father who lives a further 200 miles away form kids who are already 150 miles from me- they only get so many weekends a year and visiting parents is just one of things they want to do at their weekends.

so, here is an opportunity to mix stuff up. Recognise that those adult kids can’t be expected to let your old family traditions dictate how they spend their money - there may well be their children soon and that adds more expense for them.

stick with going out for your dc birthday, the 4 of you living in same household, as you did when the older dsc were living in the household. Then find a mutually acceptable date for a gathering at home with cake, a nice bottle of bubbly (or something), a lovely lunch spread, a family picnic, whatever…use your imagination to think up something completely different that you can afford to host. Doesn’t have to be on their exact birthday- who doesn’t like birthdays spread over a week or fortnight 😉

go for this one, then call a halt with a new proposal that’ll be less expensive for you to host, live dangerously by making a small change .

Namechangethisonetime · 21/04/2023 09:36

westenminster · 21/04/2023 07:51

Thanks for the feedback, we Weil definitely we ensure the rule for all 5 children. I know the rule is different with their mum, who always pays for them but I'm sure they understand our situations are different.

I'm trying not to let how my dsc spends their money influence my decision, but I have noted they're still going out with friends and partner at weekend

In that case, no. I would not pay. Also, I’d wager that they’ve taken a huff about being asked to pay their own way.

Maybe going forward though, it’s nice to have big family get togethers at home- order a Chinese and everyone brings a bottle of wine. Everyone’s meal will come in at around £20 tops

Then you just lay on cake, nibbles, bit of Prosecco etc. Inclusive of everyone’s budgets

KitKatLove · 21/04/2023 09:38

westenminster · 21/04/2023 09:18

I'm thinking maybe we offer to pay just for their food.

It's not easy!

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I agree, it’s hard to know what to do for the best sometimes.
Just remembered another time. Our sons 18th family and his friends that came all thought they were paying for themselves but we asked for two bills, the food and the drinks. We paid the food and split the drinks between everyone. There were no starters and we brought the cake with us for dessert. We didn’t tell them that’s what we did we just told them that their bill was x amount. We got a lot of ‘are you sure?’ But we just said yes. Because they’d effectively had a meal and drinks for less than they expected no one complained. You could set a budget for the bill and split the rest between everyone if you want everyone there and not to have one person feel awkward.

Goodoccasionallypoor · 21/04/2023 09:39

I'm leaning towards the idea of offering to pay for dsc food and asking them to fund their own drinks, but they've said their partner can't afford either

There should be no expectation that you pay for partners. If they can't afford it then they can stay at home.

unfor · 21/04/2023 09:40

I think it's lovely that you all get on well enough to do this several times a year. That says so much for your family!

Agree with others that in future it might be good to move to a less expensive way of celebrating (take away, fake away, picnic or similar) - unless your DC/DSC are all going to be high earners there are likely to be times when some of them will find things difficult financially. Plus once DGC come along that also makes things more expensive. You can always take the birthday child out for a lovely meal.

Brefugee · 21/04/2023 09:40

Birthday kids get their treat. Adults who can't afford it stay away. The adult DSC all had this treat growing up and it would be a bit mean not to do it for the pre-teens

Tealsofa · 21/04/2023 09:40

westenminster · 21/04/2023 09:31

@Tealsofa yes, as you'll see I'd already organised that.

What have you alreaday organised?

You said you had invited for tea nad cake at the weekend, but you are still considering how to get them to come along for the meal

They don't really want to go, it sounds expensive, they dont want to spend a lot of money.

Zipps · 21/04/2023 09:41

Whenharrymetsmelly · 21/04/2023 08:20

I find these threads so depressing how cheap parents are towards their own children and stepchildren. No wonder young adults have so many issues now. I can't imagine ever letting someone miss out because they can't afford it. Oh well reap what you sow I guess, don't expect too much when you're old OP

I agree. We always just pay for everyone when we invite our dc anywhere. Even if it meant I had to go without something myself.
Dsc especially can easily feel left out.

Whiteroomjoy · 21/04/2023 09:41

I’d also add, that birthday celebrations are about making memories as well as spending time with loved ones. If you always do the same old, same old, 5-7 times a year doesn’t it stop becoming special. When your kids look back will they remember one birthday meal to the next? As opposed to what I suggest above as to making change and hosting something you do? There’s so many cheap options to make each birthday a crazy, individual memory making event - one time traditional childish party games, another time a family disco, a bbq, a picnic…

Shinyandnew1 · 21/04/2023 09:41

Goodoccasionallypoor · 21/04/2023 09:39

I'm leaning towards the idea of offering to pay for dsc food and asking them to fund their own drinks, but they've said their partner can't afford either

There should be no expectation that you pay for partners. If they can't afford it then they can stay at home.

Absolutely this. Their boyfriend/girlfriend’s food and drink is not your problem.

If there’s you, DH, and 5 children-presumably this issue will happen a lot during the year-that’s 7 birthdays. Get it cracked with a consistent plan going forward now.

Namechangethisonetime · 21/04/2023 09:42

Whiteroomjoy · 21/04/2023 09:36

A meal for 10 at each of 5 or even seven birthdays per year is a massive outlay. In truth it is a big outlay for anyone even out of their own money.
sometimes it’s hard to break old family traditions that have made their way into family culture and start new ones. Like some I had to accept that over covid but it did make me let go of a few things we’d done since my adult kids were little and establish new ways that I actually like now they’re adults. Similarly my divorce 2 years ago meant I had to make changes to these traditions- I have to “share” seeing my adults kids with their father who lives a further 200 miles away form kids who are already 150 miles from me- they only get so many weekends a year and visiting parents is just one of things they want to do at their weekends.

so, here is an opportunity to mix stuff up. Recognise that those adult kids can’t be expected to let your old family traditions dictate how they spend their money - there may well be their children soon and that adds more expense for them.

stick with going out for your dc birthday, the 4 of you living in same household, as you did when the older dsc were living in the household. Then find a mutually acceptable date for a gathering at home with cake, a nice bottle of bubbly (or something), a lovely lunch spread, a family picnic, whatever…use your imagination to think up something completely different that you can afford to host. Doesn’t have to be on their exact birthday- who doesn’t like birthdays spread over a week or fortnight 😉

go for this one, then call a halt with a new proposal that’ll be less expensive for you to host, live dangerously by making a small change .

Completely agree with all of this. Even though we can afford it, we’re also getting our house ready to put to market, (lots to buy in order to tidy it up) have our own children’s birthdays, our own social commitments, kids sports, saving for a move somewhere bigger etc- the list is endless.

An extra £100 for a meal out (in addition to a gift) each time it’s a family member’s birthday wouldn’t be a high top priority here to be honest.

Sleepyandconfused · 21/04/2023 09:42

I would pay for my child and not allow them to be excluded from family time.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 21/04/2023 09:44

I wouldnt pay in these circumstances.

They clearly can afford it they are just not too bothered about spending money on it (given you've said they are planning to be out at various points at the weekend)

They will bring a partner and then youd have to maybe pay for them

It sounds like they take the piss a bit by having loads of courses and loads of drink, which is a bit much on someones elses money.

If they genuinely couldn't afford it but clearly wanted to come, and they were usually considerate about what they ordered then I'd consider paying for them but I think given that's not the case, theyd be taking the piss if they accepted it.

Do your younger ones really want them there anyway if they were only coming for the free food?

trebarwith1 · 21/04/2023 09:44

I would pay for the one that's struggling. A little hand up and family time is important when things are a but tough, and you can check in with dsc.

Original poster

westenminster · 21/04/2023 09:45

Just to add some perspective, we see loads of each other! There is lots of family time! They're at ours most Sundays for lunch and pop round all the time. We all go out walking dogs and they'll often come and hang out with their younger siblings on an eve.

Sometimes we're all together, sometimes there's a few of us. No big deal.

No one is missing out on family time.
We've arranged a meal for little one, we invited them to come if they can. We have demanded anyone come. Dh said let's just do 4 and I said let's open the invite so they feel included

One dsc has said they and their partner can't afford. We can't afford to pay for them fully and worry if we did we would be treating the others unfairly who have budgeted for this.

I said, dont worry I'll make cake on the weekend, when the actual bday is. They'd come round anyway to watch presents be opened

I just wondered what others would do as I'd been doubting our decision.

OP posts:

Original poster

westenminster · 21/04/2023 09:46

Whiteroomjoy · 21/04/2023 09:36

A meal for 10 at each of 5 or even seven birthdays per year is a massive outlay. In truth it is a big outlay for anyone even out of their own money.
sometimes it’s hard to break old family traditions that have made their way into family culture and start new ones. Like some I had to accept that over covid but it did make me let go of a few things we’d done since my adult kids were little and establish new ways that I actually like now they’re adults. Similarly my divorce 2 years ago meant I had to make changes to these traditions- I have to “share” seeing my adults kids with their father who lives a further 200 miles away form kids who are already 150 miles from me- they only get so many weekends a year and visiting parents is just one of things they want to do at their weekends.

so, here is an opportunity to mix stuff up. Recognise that those adult kids can’t be expected to let your old family traditions dictate how they spend their money - there may well be their children soon and that adds more expense for them.

stick with going out for your dc birthday, the 4 of you living in same household, as you did when the older dsc were living in the household. Then find a mutually acceptable date for a gathering at home with cake, a nice bottle of bubbly (or something), a lovely lunch spread, a family picnic, whatever…use your imagination to think up something completely different that you can afford to host. Doesn’t have to be on their exact birthday- who doesn’t like birthdays spread over a week or fortnight 😉

go for this one, then call a halt with a new proposal that’ll be less expensive for you to host, live dangerously by making a small change .

I think you're right x

OP posts:

mainsfed · 21/04/2023 09:46

trebarwith1 · 21/04/2023 09:44

I would pay for the one that's struggling. A little hand up and family time is important when things are a but tough, and you can check in with dsc.

But they are also asking for their partner to be paid for.

If they're struggling they should have said they will come alone, not expect their partner to be paid for as well.

This reminds of the OP whose daughter has a full time job but is asking her parents to pay for her partner to go to Dubai with them. Taking the piss.

Thoughtful2355 · 21/04/2023 09:47

I would pay for a birthday meal. Would you not pay for your own children's meal out? Even at that age? If you'd pay for yours then your DH should pay for his

123sunshine · 21/04/2023 09:48

We have an expectation in my family unit of paying for our kids (teens and early 20s) and grandparents for a meal out, so thats 7 adults, it get pricey. When funds are a bit tight we do celebrations at home. Even as an adult with my own children i've never split the bill at a family meal with parents, sometimes they pay sometimes we pay. When I was younger and had less disposable income but working, parents paid. Whoever does the inviting pays. I'd take the pressure off all the family as you can't afford to pay, have a home clebration that is inclusive of evryone. Don't make money an issue. If you feel you have to have a meal out, just take the birthday child (or those in your household out). The other grown up children may well appreciate not having to spend their money on a meal out too.

WilsonMilson · 21/04/2023 09:48

I think what you said is fine.
My DH would be like yours and would want to pay. If you can afford it, I’d go along with it for a quiet life and family harmony, well, that’s what I do anyway. My DH also gives monthly money to adult kids, so just be thankful an odd meal is all you have to deal with!

Baabaa75 · 21/04/2023 09:51

From a step parents point of view you're being entirely reasonable. However, from a parents point of view there's no way I could get all my kids together but leave one out as they couldn't afford it, I'd HAVE to pay for them and the others could suck it up, their time to need your help will come around 💐