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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not pay for family meal

404 replies

westenminster · 21/04/2023 07:39

Name change as friends lurk here
My Dh and I have 2 dc. He has 3 from his first marriage, I have a good relationship with my 3dsc. There's no issues.

They are older now, range 24-28. All work.

We tend to go out to eat for birthdays, nothing fancy just getting together even if in a pub.

When the older kids were students we would pay. They are now all working and have partners who are also working. Since they've all been in work we all agreed they'd pay their own way at meals. After all, us paying for 6 adults (partners included) is quite a hit to our pockets and we can't afford that.

Next week it's my youngest birthday and we've arrange a meal one evening but one of my dsc has said they can't come because they can't afford.

I say, fair enough, come round at the weekend and I'll make cake and you can celebrate with them then. It's my thought you can either come or not, no big deal. After all sometimes others miss out when they're working/busy.

My dh doesn't agree, he thinks we should pay for my dsc so they don't miss family time.

I say it's unfair to treat one and not all. We can't afford to pay for all.

Just wondered what others think?

OP posts:
Original poster
westenminster · 21/04/2023 12:50

MysteryBelle · 21/04/2023 12:43

Would add, with five kids, two parents and a stepparent, there’s a lot of birthdays and potential meals out. I would just do a cake at home and invite everyone for celebratory dessert instead of asking and expecting everyone to go to a restaurant and pay for meals. That would solve the problem long term. I’m not one for eating out all the time though. I would much rather cook at home. I did so much eating out with relatives for years, it’s not my thing.

We do a lot of eating at home, lots of celebrations happen at our house and garden as it accommodates everyone.

We don't eat out a lot, but on birthdays it's always been offered as an option.
We may need to rethink this.

OP posts:
Original poster
westenminster · 21/04/2023 12:52

MorrisZapp · 21/04/2023 12:31

I would pay. My step dad would pay, and my dad would pay for anyone at all who was short.

I couldn't leave anyone out.

I truely wish I could afford. It's. It a case of not wanting but not being able to.

The meal is about a 9 year old enjoying a treat meal. All the older children were treated to meals out on their birthdays

OP posts:
KarmaStar · 21/04/2023 12:56

If they really wanted to go would they have asked for a sub?
Only you can really read the situation as you know the person,we dont.
If they are happy to have cake and celebrations later then go with that.
If they are upset and genuinely broke I'd offer a one off sub.

harveythehorse · 21/04/2023 13:02

I can't imagine not treating one of my children to a meal as a one off so we could all celebrate together. But nor could I imagine any of them begrudging one another a free dinner.

Original poster
westenminster · 21/04/2023 13:02

KarmaStar · 21/04/2023 12:56

If they really wanted to go would they have asked for a sub?
Only you can really read the situation as you know the person,we dont.
If they are happy to have cake and celebrations later then go with that.
If they are upset and genuinely broke I'd offer a one off sub.

This dsc is the least involved in family life. They are very social and very busy and I don't begrudge that at all. We really aren't that strict. We always say doors open, come if you can.

With This particular meal we said "we're going here for dc birthday, you're welcome to join if able"

I suppose I'm Always conscious of not wanting them to think we make an event just about "us 4"

I suspect they would come if we offered to pay but as others have said, don't Particularly want to spend their own money.

Again, fine, I get it and I'd of felt the same at 26!

The sticking point is that we can't afford to pay for everyone abs partners and I suppose I don't want the littles to miss out. It can be conflicting to try and include everyone and navigate step families

OP posts:
LAMPS1 · 21/04/2023 13:03

If it’s getting difficult for any of them to eat out, would it be appropriate to suggest a celebration at home …everybody brings a contribution if they can afford it and have a birthday cake for desert.

Original poster
westenminster · 21/04/2023 13:03

harveythehorse · 21/04/2023 13:02

I can't imagine not treating one of my children to a meal as a one off so we could all celebrate together. But nor could I imagine any of them begrudging one another a free dinner.

My dsc do count what each of them get. It can make things hard

OP posts:
Original poster
westenminster · 21/04/2023 13:05

LAMPS1 · 21/04/2023 13:03

If it’s getting difficult for any of them to eat out, would it be appropriate to suggest a celebration at home …everybody brings a contribution if they can afford it and have a birthday cake for desert.

We will be having a celebration at home that they're also invited too.

It's just nice to have a treat. The older kids got it so it's nice to extend that to the you gets too.

But, I may have to rethink how things are now the families bigger, yes.

OP posts:
Seaweed42 · 21/04/2023 13:08

The DC gets their nice dinner out with just their own parents and sibling.
Can you not see how special that might be for the birthday child too?
They might be thinking 'how come all those older people have to come'
The birthday kid might absolutely love to have Dad's attention all to themselves for a change!

They also get the presents and attention from older step siblings later on. The DC is going to get two treat days out of the birthday not just one.

Is this really about you being a bit peeved over DH's kids getting showered with dinners out but suddenly now his kids are older, he's saying it's all too expensive?
Because you are not looking at the 'fairness' of it from the birthday child's point of view?

Whichnumbers · 21/04/2023 13:11

there ma be another time when he pays for something else for one of the children/off spring

they don't all need the same things at the same time

Original poster
westenminster · 21/04/2023 13:15

Seaweed42 · 21/04/2023 13:08

The DC gets their nice dinner out with just their own parents and sibling.
Can you not see how special that might be for the birthday child too?
They might be thinking 'how come all those older people have to come'
The birthday kid might absolutely love to have Dad's attention all to themselves for a change!

They also get the presents and attention from older step siblings later on. The DC is going to get two treat days out of the birthday not just one.

Is this really about you being a bit peeved over DH's kids getting showered with dinners out but suddenly now his kids are older, he's saying it's all too expensive?
Because you are not looking at the 'fairness' of it from the birthday child's point of view?

I'm Not peeved at them at all.

Just the 4 of us sounds like a lovely idea. Maybe I've spent too much time ensuring they others don't feel left out and should consider little ones first.

Thank you for a different view, it's appreciated and what I was hope to get from posting x

OP posts:
MeetMyCat · 21/04/2023 13:20

As a previous poster commented, it’s amazing that some people are horrified that employed young adults pay for their meal/drinks, yet think it’s fine for the OP and her DH to pick up the tab for 10 people!

Original poster
westenminster · 21/04/2023 13:26

MeetMyCat · 21/04/2023 13:20

As a previous poster commented, it’s amazing that some people are horrified that employed young adults pay for their meal/drinks, yet think it’s fine for the OP and her DH to pick up the tab for 10 people!

And that other families work differently

I've tried to think what I do with my mum (dad deceased) and we take it in turns to treat each other, or split bills. I wouldn't expect her to pay.

OP posts:
Original poster
westenminster · 21/04/2023 13:31

And to add, to those who seem to think we don't, we often help the older ones out financially and treat them individually.

This isn't about that, it's about this one particular circumstance

OP posts:
Ladderback · 21/04/2023 13:36

I think maybe it's hard for your DH to accept that his adult child isn't fussed about a child's birthday, or simply doesn't want to spend a lot of money celebrating it. It's nicer for him to think they would come if at all possible. There might be too many (costly) family occasions going on for the stepchild. I know I certainly have a quota of how many I can tolerate.

Merangutan · 21/04/2023 13:38

I think you’ve been very generous in previously paying not only for them but for their partners, especially when you say that they don’t seem mindful that someone else is paying the whole bill so always choose three courses and plenty of alcohol. They are adults and working - they should pay for themselves now, particularly if they bring guests. If he says he can’t afford to come to a birthday meal but is still choosing to go out to other things then that’s really about his priorities, not his budget. He shouldn’t get special treatment.

CoozudBoyuPuak · 21/04/2023 13:40

westenminster · 21/04/2023 12:49

Usually we try. We've been asked by little one to go to a certain place. I can afford to take the 4 of us there. I've opened the invite to the oldest so they felt included, but they know as usual when we get together they pay their way, as theyre older and working. Do you suggest i tell dc no, even though it's their birthday?

Show quote history

In that case I think I would just take the 2 little DCs (without their dad) to the expensive place as a treat that is just for them, not inviting any of the DSCs, and then have a separate gathering at home for the whole family that is not budget-resricted.

ImSoShiney · 21/04/2023 13:42

Whataretheodds · 21/04/2023 08:29

Where are you that a meal out still only costs £25?

Show quote history

Probably a McDonald's 🤣

fitzwilliamdarcy · 21/04/2023 13:43

I can’t imagine being invested enough in my half-sibling who is half my age’s birthday party that I’d take a loan from my dad and step mum to attend.

I also don’t think you’d refuse to pay if your DSC were biologically yours and your DH’s. It all feels a bit “but we’re family” when it suits you (them being obliged to attend) and not when it suits them (a loan from their own parent to attend a sibling’s birthday).

Bananaduck · 21/04/2023 13:46

You are throwing your DD a family party in a nice restaurant but expecting your DSC to foot the bill for said party.

TheNoodlesIncident · 21/04/2023 13:52

I think, from what you've said @westenminster, this one just doesn't really want to go that much. The excuse they've given doesn't read like "I really really want to go but I haven't got the money spare", it sounds more like there's something else they'd rather do and saying they can't afford it is a universally accepted reason.

Of course if they'd come if you paid their bill, for both the adult offspring and her partner, but wouldn't if they had to fork out themselves... I think I'd be OK with their giving it a miss, and turning up instead for the cake and celebrations is fine. It's nice to have a whole family together for a celebration, but that doesn't mean that it should always be all members or it just doesn't work.

It's fine, they've said count us out this time, nobody's being excluded, they're merely preferring to do something else. That's okay.

Lights22 · 21/04/2023 13:53

It's a tricky one. We have the same rule, adults pay for themselves, children split between everyone. So no, I don't think you're being unreasonable, especially as you've created an alternative option for them. But I do think things are complicated because they're not yours biologically, even if unintended.

I'm trying to put myself in your shoes, and it's hard because I'm not in your situation. The mum in me would want them to come; the adult in me says you've invited them and given an alternative. So no, you're not unreasonable. But you are in a difficult situation.

Sugarfree23 · 21/04/2023 14:02

Op you've made your stance and I think you need to stand by it. Or you'll be back to paying for 10 adults before you know it.

If the older child wanted to come they would, money might just be an excuse.

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/04/2023 14:03

Bananaduck · 21/04/2023 13:46

You are throwing your DD a family party in a nice restaurant but expecting your DSC to foot the bill for said party.

@Bananaduck

where has op said she expects her step kids to pay for everyone elses meal?

Freefall212 · 21/04/2023 14:06

westenminster · 21/04/2023 13:31

And to add, to those who seem to think we don't, we often help the older ones out financially and treat them individually.

This isn't about that, it's about this one particular circumstance

Given your finanes are such that you can't afford to add an adult or two to a meal out, how could you possibly help the others out financially or treat them? A meal out at a restaurant that a 9 year old from a very money tight family comes from - isn't going to cost that much.

And why would you help them or treat them when you have said from the start that they are adults and need to be 100% looking after themselves financially hence why you would exclude them over helping them with the cost of this meal?

Neither your financial position or your philiosphy as you have described it fits with helping anyone.