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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To be annoyed at kid’s new school hounding me when they’re ill

771 replies

MytosisIs · 20/04/2023 17:34

We recently moved and so DC are attending a new school. First day was supposed to be Monday.

On Sunday they tested positive for COVID. I had it earlier in the week and really suffered.
I tested them as they were coughing, had a high fever and even D&V.

I rang on Monday morning to say they’d be missing the first day. They said they don’t recommended children are tested but said “You’ve done it now though”. I said well I still very much test for COVID because whilst none of us are vulnerable, other people may be and it’s them I’m protecting.

anyway it’s now Thursday and as requested I rang every day and updated them. But really it’s just ‘they’re still I’ll and have COVID’.

They’ve run me back every single day to discuss ’an update on the kids’. I just repeat myself from what I leave on the voicemail.

Yesterday I was on a train (I’m now negative and have been for some time) and they heard the announcement and asked where I was. When I said was on a train they asked if I’d left my kids on their own!! I said “no they’re 6 and 9!” And they asked who was watching them - their dad!!!

Today I emailed to say I have back to back meetings so can’t call but the kids remain to be ill (DH was on a plane at this point). Again they called me, which I missed. So I found a window to call them back and they again were strange and said “They have been ill for so so long now” (5 days!) asking when it started etc.

Im starting to get pissed off. I’m thinking of pulling them out and enrolling them in another school which we were also offered and according to the receptionist still have places.

AIBU to be annoyed at their persistence? Would they rather I sent sick COVID-infected kids into school? In their old school they were great and just said “We will see them when they’re better, keep us updated”.

OP posts:
Original poster
MytosisIs · 20/04/2023 21:58

Pushmepullu · 20/04/2023 21:28

For the working mother of two ill children you have an awful amount of time on your hands to be able to reply to so many posters.

I’m so sorry, I should be outside running my clothes through the mangle like a good wife and mother. But not before making my husband a lovely pie for when he returns.

OP posts:
SamPoodle123 · 20/04/2023 21:59

EarringsandLipstick · 20/04/2023 21:16

But this isn't OP's situation!
She did inform the school and has stayed in contact. She has now been excessively harassed & questioned by the school.

That's what's not appropriate, unlike in your situation where you didn't contact them so they rang to ask you for details.

Show quote history

Yea, but I can see why the school would be concerned, as they have not shown up at school at all. They have no idea about the family or how the dc are. I can understand why they would be concerned even with the parent notifying them their dc are off ill. Esp if it is longer then a couple days.

AIGenerated · 20/04/2023 21:59

Honestly, OP, it is all because they suspect a term time holiday. If you or dh had popped in in person earlier in the week, they'd have stopped calling.

Namechange20222022 · 20/04/2023 21:59

So are both kids still d&v and/or temperature today? Have neither of their symptoms improved? I.e. one hasn’t recovered a bit? That is strange after 5 days - it’s a long time for both kids to be so ill, that neither can attend school.

Lovesacake · 20/04/2023 21:59

Op I’m sorry this has stressed you out so much. But your wilful refusal to accept the school have done nothing wrong is quite entertaining.

Original poster
MytosisIs · 20/04/2023 22:00

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 20/04/2023 21:39

Your children left their old school and haven’t appeared at the new one.

That’s the red flag.

As uncomfortable and annoying as that is for you it is a red flag.

Show quote history

As a PP put it, there’s a difference between being I’ll and ‘not turning up’.

OP posts:
Namechange20222022 · 20/04/2023 22:01

Especially as they don’t know your track record. Not saying you’re exaggerating the symptoms, but the school will be suspicious as it’s unusual

Original poster
MytosisIs · 20/04/2023 22:01

TheDailyCarbunkle · 20/04/2023 21:40

Are you seriously not getting it? There are 12 pages of posts explaining it to you. What are you not understanding?

Show quote history

I’m not understanding what I should have done differently this week that would have made me not a red flag? Short of sending very sick children into school

OP posts:
Redebs · 20/04/2023 22:02

Iminthemoneylife · 20/04/2023 17:37

They are saving guarding your children. They have yet to see them and what you are saying them doesn’t add up. You say you’re ill but your on a train and then you have back to back meetings to the extent you can’t make a 30
second phone call but you can look after ill young children at the same time. I wouldn’t be surprised if they did a home visit.

This
Glad they are taking safeguarding seriously.

BadNomad · 20/04/2023 22:02

MytosisIs · 20/04/2023 22:01

I’m not understanding what I should have done differently this week that would have made me not a red flag? Short of sending very sick children into school

Show quote history

Nothing. The school aren't saying you've done something wrong. They're just following procedures. You're not being accused of anything.

Itstarts · 20/04/2023 22:02

MytosisIs · 20/04/2023 22:01

I’m not understanding what I should have done differently this week that would have made me not a red flag? Short of sending very sick children into school

Show quote history

There's nothing you could do. Unfortunate circumstances have resulted in the red flags, but red flags none the less. School are 100% right to keep checking up. You are 100% right to keep them off when ill.

Sierra26 · 20/04/2023 22:03

MytosisIs · 20/04/2023 21:45

  1. Very sorry I haven’t timed by Children’s illnesses to a more central term time
  2. Weve changed school because we have relocated and I didn’t fancy doing the 2 hour round trip for drop off and pick up
  3. Is it so unusual for 2 children who live together being ill together? It’s almost guaranteed on my book
  4. Really? They have had COVID before in one summer holidays, we were all ill for 2 weeks.
  5. Pardon me for being at work. HOW is this a red flag?
  6. Again: I work.
Literally no red flags. What would you as a trained safeguarding lead expect me to do in this situation? Sprint home when the school call and make the kids cough down the phone?
Show quote history

OP it’s not for you to say what the red flags are.

This post you’re quoting was super helpful and clear to set out what the general red flags are that teachers etc are trained to recognise. It doesn’t mean each time one happens there is an issue. A red flag isn’t confirmation of an issue. A red flag is a WARNING that there MIGHT be an issue, and these recognised flags are needed to enable teachers to pick up quickly on potential issues within families they don’t know on a personal level. These signs are all the sorts of thing that could happen if a child is being mistreated or neglected. The school don’t know the facts and don’t know you’re not lying, so they need to have procedures to follow.

it’s great you have a response to all the flags above, as you’ve done nothing wrong, and so don’t need to worry. you also don’t need to do anything differently re answering the phone etc

but you do need to manage your reaction to the school’s policies and not give them a hard time for doing their jobs. You also shouldn’t set an example to your kids that the school is annoying, and instead make sure they also understand the policies (just saying - I obv don’t know if they’ve seen your reactions)

If this process means the school can help even one child in five years by identifying a pattern of behaviour, then it’s worth it.

Original poster
MytosisIs · 20/04/2023 22:03

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 20/04/2023 21:48

You’re actually just trolling people now.

That you don’t think they should be red flags for you doesn’t change the fact that they are all small red flags for an unknown new parent and therefore all added together they are literally red flags.

But you know that really.

Show quote history

My question is - what do all the safeguarding leads on this thread think I should have done differently this week?

OP posts:
Hellocatshome · 20/04/2023 22:04

MytosisIs · 20/04/2023 22:01

I’m not understanding what I should have done differently this week that would have made me not a red flag? Short of sending very sick children into school

Show quote history

You shouldn't have done anything differently you just shouldn't have taken their questions personally and let yourself get so het up about it. Just accept it for what it is (something they have to do not a campaign of harassment against you) and move on.

Original poster
MytosisIs · 20/04/2023 22:04

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 20/04/2023 21:48

You’re actually just trolling people now.

That you don’t think they should be red flags for you doesn’t change the fact that they are all small red flags for an unknown new parent and therefore all added together they are literally red flags.

But you know that really.

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Also, in terms of red flags, whilst people have to accept that they pop up, we also have to accept that there’s a perfectly valid explanation for suspicions most of the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
MytosisIs · 20/04/2023 22:05

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 20/04/2023 21:50

Unfortunately neither “I’m a good parent” nor “I’m honest when asked” or even “I post on Mumsnet” is something schools can rely on.

despite how many huffy people think it should when it’s their child involved.

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So I’m presumed abusive until proven otherwise? Ridiculous.

OP posts:
Strictly1 · 20/04/2023 22:05

MytosisIs · 20/04/2023 21:48

But parents like me who AREN’T abusive DO tell the truth when asked.

Show quote history

But how do they know which one you are?

Original poster
MytosisIs · 20/04/2023 22:06

mybeautifuloak · 20/04/2023 21:50

You are home working. Your dc are ill. Your DH is in a plane. So WHO is looking after the dc? Not you as you've said not. No idea Shubhi str getting ratty at people for 'not reading properly'. You have made no sense.

Show quote history

Ph the irony! If you had read them properly you’d see the answer to your questions in my posts

Why did you think I was home working?

OP posts:
AIGenerated · 20/04/2023 22:07

You could have gone to the school in person. That would have stopped the harassment as they would be less suspicious of a term time holiday. And yes, they are pretty much accusing you of that. Thus the airport comment.

Original poster
MytosisIs · 20/04/2023 22:07

CurlyhairedAssassin · 20/04/2023 21:54

By the way, there are some bloody fantastic parents at my school, most of whom when they hear my explanation for calling would have this type of reply:

"Ah, ok, I totally understand the reason for your call. Yes, I understand, I'm so grateful that you're looking out for my child's welfare. So, my child is still feeling under the weather, they are not quite themselves and they still have a bit of a cough and a slight temp and they say they are feeling sick. What is the best thing to do? Do you want me to try and send them in? I'm concerned about them becoming poorly/vomiting in school. I don't want their first day at their new school to be miserable."

School: "Well, we would say that you could try them with some calpol and see if they feel any better in half an hour. If it brings their temp down a bit, then bring them in. Yes, even it's 10.30. Sometimes children feel better in school once they're getting on with things. I can assure you that we would keep a very close eye on your child, I will explain the situation to the teacher and obviously they are mindful that it is their first day and so they will feel strange anyway. If we have any concerns at all, if your child appears too unwell to cope or be happy in school, or becomes sleepy or their temp rises, that we would call you to pick them up immediately."

Honestly, just work with the school. They are on your side, they are on your child's side.

Sorry but I don’t have the time or interest in playing platitudes to people who piss me off. I’m not an idiot, I k ow how to care for sick kids and not going to schmooz and pretend I need some randoms advice on it just to make my red flag go away.

OP posts:
Original poster
MytosisIs · 20/04/2023 22:07

And if your ego needs that from parents you’re in the wrong job

OP posts:
BadNomad · 20/04/2023 22:08

It's like when a child goes into school with a bruise. They're not accusing anyone of causing the bruise, but they do need to investigate the bruise just in case it was caused by someone. It isn't personal. It's just safeguarding.

Itstarts · 20/04/2023 22:08

MytosisIs · 20/04/2023 22:04

Also, in terms of red flags, whilst people have to accept that they pop up, we also have to accept that there’s a perfectly valid explanation for suspicions most of the time.

Show quote history

Yup. They do. Many safeguarding concerns are resolved with a quick chat with parents.

Original poster
MytosisIs · 20/04/2023 22:09

Namechange20222022 · 20/04/2023 21:59

So are both kids still d&v and/or temperature today? Have neither of their symptoms improved? I.e. one hasn’t recovered a bit? That is strange after 5 days - it’s a long time for both kids to be so ill, that neither can attend school.

D&V stopped but both have fevers and persistent coughs, and are just generally run down. It would be cruel to send them to school

OP posts:
Lostinalibrary · 20/04/2023 22:10

Facts are - schools keep safeguarding logs for all children. As does every single agency nowadays. Take your child to A+E they will be asking about home life/school life. All these records become centralised to avoid these huge safeguarding serious review cases because vulnerable people have been subject to harm.

No-one, maybe not even op has any idea what records have been made in regards to safeguarding. These don’t fall under GDPR either because of obvious reasons. Looking at recent responses - there are possibly already significant issues surrounding attendance.

The amount of children late back to school because mum has been battered and children are exposed to this; parents want children to forget and mum to heal. Children who have been harmed and parents need those bruises to heal. Parents who were pulled in because records were raising flags - changed schools and children go CME and subject to significant harm.

This thread has proven clearly that safeguarding training is bang on. It doesn’t happen here because middle class, Tarquin, turn up to parent days. Is the biggest facilitator of child abuse in our country.