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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at kid’s new school hounding me when they’re ill

771 replies

MytosisIs · 20/04/2023 17:34

We recently moved and so DC are attending a new school. First day was supposed to be Monday.

On Sunday they tested positive for COVID. I had it earlier in the week and really suffered.
I tested them as they were coughing, had a high fever and even D&V.

I rang on Monday morning to say they’d be missing the first day. They said they don’t recommended children are tested but said “You’ve done it now though”. I said well I still very much test for COVID because whilst none of us are vulnerable, other people may be and it’s them I’m protecting.

anyway it’s now Thursday and as requested I rang every day and updated them. But really it’s just ‘they’re still I’ll and have COVID’.

They’ve run me back every single day to discuss ’an update on the kids’. I just repeat myself from what I leave on the voicemail.

Yesterday I was on a train (I’m now negative and have been for some time) and they heard the announcement and asked where I was. When I said was on a train they asked if I’d left my kids on their own!! I said “no they’re 6 and 9!” And they asked who was watching them - their dad!!!

Today I emailed to say I have back to back meetings so can’t call but the kids remain to be ill (DH was on a plane at this point). Again they called me, which I missed. So I found a window to call them back and they again were strange and said “They have been ill for so so long now” (5 days!) asking when it started etc.

Im starting to get pissed off. I’m thinking of pulling them out and enrolling them in another school which we were also offered and according to the receptionist still have places.

AIBU to be annoyed at their persistence? Would they rather I sent sick COVID-infected kids into school? In their old school they were great and just said “We will see them when they’re better, keep us updated”.

OP posts:
ImNotAsThinkAsYouDrunkIAm · 20/04/2023 21:42

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 20/04/2023 21:39

Your children left their old school and haven’t appeared at the new one.

That’s the red flag.

As uncomfortable and annoying as that is for you it is a red flag.

Show quote history

@YetMoreNewBeginnings you’re wasting your time.

’What red flags’ has been explained eleventy billion times on the thread already, and the OP doesn’t want to know. She’s too busy being outraged.

Itstarts · 20/04/2023 21:42

Itstarts · 20/04/2023 20:53

@SSpringCherryPie

  1. Absence after a school holiday
  2. Absence after a change of school
  3. Both children ill at the same time so neither have been seen for a week
  4. Longer absence than is usual with the illness mentioned
  5. Mum is the one to contact the school re:absence but isn't with the children when contacted
  6. No signs of children during phone calls so no way to check they are OK

Those are the obvious ones. Possibly more if we were privy to files/conversations.

Red flags ^

EarringsandLipstick · 20/04/2023 21:43

She’s too busy being outraged.

I don't think OP is 'outraged'. She's annoyed, and understandably so. And she's got a rake of rude judgmental replies here.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 20/04/2023 21:43

Mamapiggywig · 20/04/2023 18:07

This isn’t safeguarding this is harassment . I would be calling a meeting to discuss this ridiculous constant calling approach. The kids have Covid?! Ffs.

Erm. You would not be "calling a meeting". Schools do not have time to have meetings with silly parents like you complaining about the school following LA and DfE guidance in the name of safeguarding. They would be calling YOU in to check all is ok, and to talk you slowly through the standard procedures for illness and attendance as you clearly don't seem to be listening to the staff speaking to you each day. Please don't make yourself look either: silly by complaining to the school for following standard nationwide procedures OR like you are on the defensive and have something to hide.

Original poster
MytosisIs · 20/04/2023 21:45

Itstarts · 20/04/2023 20:53

@SSpringCherryPie

  1. Absence after a school holiday
  2. Absence after a change of school
  3. Both children ill at the same time so neither have been seen for a week
  4. Longer absence than is usual with the illness mentioned
  5. Mum is the one to contact the school re:absence but isn't with the children when contacted
  6. No signs of children during phone calls so no way to check they are OK

Those are the obvious ones. Possibly more if we were privy to files/conversations.

  1. Very sorry I haven’t timed by Children’s illnesses to a more central term time
  2. Weve changed school because we have relocated and I didn’t fancy doing the 2 hour round trip for drop off and pick up
  3. Is it so unusual for 2 children who live together being ill together? It’s almost guaranteed on my book
  4. Really? They have had COVID before in one summer holidays, we were all ill for 2 weeks.
  5. Pardon me for being at work. HOW is this a red flag?
  6. Again: I work.
Literally no red flags. What would you as a trained safeguarding lead expect me to do in this situation? Sprint home when the school call and make the kids cough down the phone?
OP posts:
NumberTheory · 20/04/2023 21:46

Lostinalibrary · 20/04/2023 21:01

I have explained clearly; yet you said I’d changed my posts. Noticed you’ve back tracked on that as I haven’t. I’ve been consistent all along. Absolutely fascinating someone who I’d spend the time writing 6 or so paragraphs arguing why op is right to be outraged. Especially when you’ve been told multiple times but multiple people the reasons. Truly bizarre and over invested behaviour. At least those in the job of safeguarding are quite clear on what is as risk and what isn’t. You’ve been told by other posters too, so you crack on.

Show quote history

If you had explained clearly you’d be able to repeat it. Just as I’ve managed to repeat the question each time you’ve avoided it.

I apologise for thinking you’d changed your approach on the other thread I was confusing you with the other poster who had posted on that thread who’d I’d replied to just before you replied to me. But it doesn’t seem to make any difference to the discussion.

You’ve said on this thread that the calling up after a parent has left a message is about catching out disguised compliance. And you suggested elsewhere that previous notes on the school’s compliance system from other agencies could give concerns that need following up. But if she’s still complying by leaving a message for the school each day and the school are calling her up and she continues to comply be telling them the same thing she said in her message each day, how is the child being safeguarded? How will that allow the disguised compliance to be found out and action taken to protect the child from these other concerns?

BadNomad · 20/04/2023 21:46

I'm surprised the school haven't asked for medical evidence by now. It really isn't usual for children to be too sick for school for that long. That along with the timing is what makes it suspicious to them. If something bad had happened to your children, the school won't know if it happened this week or at the end of last term because no one has seen them for weeks.

ilovesooty · 20/04/2023 21:47

MytosisIs · 20/04/2023 18:01

I told them where they are and why they’re off.

Im astounded at the implication is that sending two very sick children in is better than keeping them off just because it’s their first week. It would be a safeguarding issue to make them suffer through school IMO.

People aren't suggesting that you should have sent sick children to school, but the school hasn't yet seen them and they don't know you. There are safeguarding procedures they have to follow.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 20/04/2023 21:48

MytosisIs · 20/04/2023 21:45

  1. Very sorry I haven’t timed by Children’s illnesses to a more central term time
  2. Weve changed school because we have relocated and I didn’t fancy doing the 2 hour round trip for drop off and pick up
  3. Is it so unusual for 2 children who live together being ill together? It’s almost guaranteed on my book
  4. Really? They have had COVID before in one summer holidays, we were all ill for 2 weeks.
  5. Pardon me for being at work. HOW is this a red flag?
  6. Again: I work.
Literally no red flags. What would you as a trained safeguarding lead expect me to do in this situation? Sprint home when the school call and make the kids cough down the phone?
Show quote history

You’re actually just trolling people now.

That you don’t think they should be red flags for you doesn’t change the fact that they are all small red flags for an unknown new parent and therefore all added together they are literally red flags.

But you know that really.

Original poster
MytosisIs · 20/04/2023 21:48

Branleuse · 20/04/2023 20:55

Because theyre being weird about it?

How the fuck have we got to the point where we are treated like abusers and liars for keeping our kids home when they are literally ill with covid.

Show quote history

Yes that’s how I feel.

Not to mention the weird bollocks people are making up.

First I lied about being ill myself
Then I lied about my husband being on a plane
Then im a red flag because my children are sick
Suddenly I haven’t been answering their calls or ringing up on the morning
Then im a red flag because I went to work

OP posts:
AIGenerated · 20/04/2023 21:48

Yanbu. At all. You called and explained the illness. You call in every morning and leave a message, still ill. It's not surprising or unlikely - Covid can knock some people out. Lots of people.

You have answered or returned their calls.

There is nothing suspicious about any of this. You have not acted in any way that should suggest you're lying.

And that's what's irritating, the attempts to 'catch you out', when there is nothing to catch you at.

I get it, OP.

Original poster
MytosisIs · 20/04/2023 21:48

Strictly1 · 20/04/2023 20:55

As if parents who do abuse their children tell the truth when asked!

Show quote history

But parents like me who AREN’T abusive DO tell the truth when asked.

OP posts:
wobblymum1 · 20/04/2023 21:49

Thepeopleversuswork · 20/04/2023 19:19

I agree and I find it very bizarre that people are talking about “red flags”.

Yes the school may need to check but why is it necessary to call back when you’ve had a voicemail?

Also there seems to be an assumption that the mum should remain at home with the kids at all times and the fact she was on a train is suspicious. It’s bizarre, it’s as if it’s impossible for people to conceive that someone else might be looking after them.

It may be safeguarding policy but it’s a bit hysterical.

Show quote history

Exactly this

ImNotAsThinkAsYouDrunkIAm · 20/04/2023 21:49

MytosisIs · 20/04/2023 21:45

  1. Very sorry I haven’t timed by Children’s illnesses to a more central term time
  2. Weve changed school because we have relocated and I didn’t fancy doing the 2 hour round trip for drop off and pick up
  3. Is it so unusual for 2 children who live together being ill together? It’s almost guaranteed on my book
  4. Really? They have had COVID before in one summer holidays, we were all ill for 2 weeks.
  5. Pardon me for being at work. HOW is this a red flag?
  6. Again: I work.
Literally no red flags. What would you as a trained safeguarding lead expect me to do in this situation? Sprint home when the school call and make the kids cough down the phone?
Show quote history

Oh my god OP, how can you seriously not get that these are not red flags to YOU, but could be to a school that does NOT KNOW YOU?

Original poster
MytosisIs · 20/04/2023 21:49

ImNotAsThinkAsYouDrunkIAm · 20/04/2023 20:55

“The fact that it’s the beginning of term doesn’t mean a thing”.

Suggest you read back. People have already explained more than once that abuse is more common in the holidays, children are kept off until bruises fade, and abusive parents try to avoid scrutiny by moving schools.

Nobody’s seen these children since they left their last school. As another previous poster explained, calling to follow up on a voice mail gives you the opportunity to potentially hear the children in the background, see if mum sounds sick, stressed, or potentially off on a jolly to Ibiza having left her kids at home with a teenage babysitter. Or, yes, on a term time holiday. Which, whatever your thoughts on the matter, schools have a responsibility to record so that they can keep as many children in education as much of the time as possible.

And you have no idea if the children’s attendance at the previous school was good or not. Perhaps it wasn’t.

Show quote history

It was, bar chicken pox where they were off for ages.

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 20/04/2023 21:50

MytosisIs · 20/04/2023 21:48

But parents like me who AREN’T abusive DO tell the truth when asked.

Show quote history

Unfortunately neither “I’m a good parent” nor “I’m honest when asked” or even “I post on Mumsnet” is something schools can rely on.

despite how many huffy people think it should when it’s their child involved.

mybeautifuloak · 20/04/2023 21:50

MytosisIs · 20/04/2023 17:39

I didn’t say I was ill I said I’d been ill.

Im not looking after young children at home while I work. What made you think that?

They can visit all they want I won’t be letting them in. This is my home and it’s a dump from moving I am retaining my right to privacy.

You are home working. Your dc are ill. Your DH is in a plane. So WHO is looking after the dc? Not you as you've said not. No idea Shubhi str getting ratty at people for 'not reading properly'. You have made no sense.

PollyPut · 20/04/2023 21:51

@MytosisIs I wouldn't worry. It's safeguarding procedure. Just unfortunate that it has been this week. You might get a home visit just to see the children; that is not unheard of in this situation.

I would expect another school to be similar; don't move them unnecessarily

AIGenerated · 20/04/2023 21:53

The school is calling for attendance-pestering purposes. If they were concerned about abuse, they would have rung the previous school to check. I have done that myself.

Original poster
MytosisIs · 20/04/2023 21:54

TheDailyCarbunkle · 20/04/2023 21:14

One thing that doesn't seem to have been mentioned - or I missed it if it was - is that apart from abuse, it's common for parents to take children out of school for holidays as they're cheaper in term time. Two siblings being off for a week is a very suspicious from that point of view. That's why they asked where the OP was - they were suspicious that the children weren't sick at all, but rather were out and about travelling somewhere. While that's not an abuse situation, it's still a safeguarding issue as the children are missing school when they shouldn't be.

I have to say the question 'Why would I lie about my children being ill?' is a spectacularly naive question, I really can't believe an adult would ask that - how can you get to 25+ and not realise that some people lie about things like that? Can an adult really have such little knowledge about the world?

You may be onto something. When I was on the train she said it sounded like an airport. I said gosh if only!

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 20/04/2023 21:54

By the way, there are some bloody fantastic parents at my school, most of whom when they hear my explanation for calling would have this type of reply:

"Ah, ok, I totally understand the reason for your call. Yes, I understand, I'm so grateful that you're looking out for my child's welfare. So, my child is still feeling under the weather, they are not quite themselves and they still have a bit of a cough and a slight temp and they say they are feeling sick. What is the best thing to do? Do you want me to try and send them in? I'm concerned about them becoming poorly/vomiting in school. I don't want their first day at their new school to be miserable."

School: "Well, we would say that you could try them with some calpol and see if they feel any better in half an hour. If it brings their temp down a bit, then bring them in. Yes, even it's 10.30. Sometimes children feel better in school once they're getting on with things. I can assure you that we would keep a very close eye on your child, I will explain the situation to the teacher and obviously they are mindful that it is their first day and so they will feel strange anyway. If we have any concerns at all, if your child appears too unwell to cope or be happy in school, or becomes sleepy or their temp rises, that we would call you to pick them up immediately."

Honestly, just work with the school. They are on your side, they are on your child's side.

Original poster
MytosisIs · 20/04/2023 21:55

Lolaandbehold · 20/04/2023 21:17

Like schools haven’t enough to be doing than dealing with people like you. All they’re trying to do is their duty by some children they don’t know that should have started school almost a week ago but haven’t, and minimal family history/info means they’re erring on the side of caution. If I were in your situation, I’d be inwardly a bit frustrated but ultimately grateful for their diligence.

Deal with me? They’re choosing to deal with me despite my 8am updates

OP posts:
Original poster
MytosisIs · 20/04/2023 21:56

At the risk of drip feeding, my youngest has respiratory issues so obviously COVID has taken its toll on him

OP posts:
Dodgeitornot · 20/04/2023 21:57

@MytosisIs did you read my first sentence?

Itstarts · 20/04/2023 21:58

MytosisIs · 20/04/2023 21:45

  1. Very sorry I haven’t timed by Children’s illnesses to a more central term time
  2. Weve changed school because we have relocated and I didn’t fancy doing the 2 hour round trip for drop off and pick up
  3. Is it so unusual for 2 children who live together being ill together? It’s almost guaranteed on my book
  4. Really? They have had COVID before in one summer holidays, we were all ill for 2 weeks.
  5. Pardon me for being at work. HOW is this a red flag?
  6. Again: I work.
Literally no red flags. What would you as a trained safeguarding lead expect me to do in this situation? Sprint home when the school call and make the kids cough down the phone?
Show quote history

I'm not a trained safeguarding lead. Just a teacher with safeguarding training.

Red flags do not mean you are being accused of anything, just that it needs extra vigilance to check what is going on.

When your children turn up at school, it will all be fine, but at the moment the school cannot be 100% certain all is fine.