Husband's brother not invited his step-child

[JaynesSmalls]

I got married 4 years ago and my husband became my child's stepfather. My child is 13, and doesn't see their father. My husband has nieces and nephews either side of this age.

My child is sadly my husband's only chance of parenting.

His brother is getting married in a late afternoon early evening wedding in a world famous hotel. They are having 60 people there. Apparently this has been planned for the last two years but we only found out about this a month ago just days before the invitations went out. He told my husband after a night out (he had told their sister that afternoon).

The invitation stated just our names with no mention of my child.

I got it, it's a world class venue and a reasonably small wedding. I totally get child free weddings especially given the time of it. I found out yesterday that husband's sister's kids are invited. Mine clearly hasn't because they are a step-child. I feel quite heartbroken.

My husband asked yesterday if my child could be extended an invitation but was refused. A kicker came a minute later when brother was asked if there was a drop out could they come and brother said if there were drop outs relatively new work colleagues would be invited.

No idea if this is relevant but I want to put my cards on the table so any advice I get will be informed by the facts. My first wedding was massive and as my dad later told my cousin it cost a grand for every month it lasted. My wedding to my husband was in a registry office with just our parents so the sibling who has invited us wasn't invited to ours.

Is it a child free wedding but the sisters children have parts or is it an actual snub.

At the same time however there is always going to be a cut off even if children are welcome. Surely the children the bride and groom know best then are the ones selected.

A family member had a child free wedding only it wasn’t. Aprox 5 family children were there but they were supper close. It did annoy some people yes, but that was more a calling it child free when it in fact was not.

Also as you’ve said for your own wedding your basically snubbed your own husbands siblings to get the wedding the pair of you wanted surely by the step child being family and what not you rejected his siblings as family by not inviting them.

BIL sounds horrible. I wouldn't go, but I also don't think there's much your DH can do, he sounds like he's really tried to persuade his brother. I don't think I'd try and persuade him not to go, it would likely cause a big family hoo haa. But I'd expect relations with between BIL and DH to cool considerably, I'd have nothing more to do with BIL. Any other family events involving BIL would be off the table, no pleasantries, no playing happy families, I'd wouldn't even be polite.

Yes, I agree with this tbh

This is your DH's problem, he needs to sort it out. Don't let him palm it off on you and make you do his dirty work for him.

You are too old to be involving the parents.
Why can't your DH just ask his brother why your child is not invited?
Why do both of you have to go around there, is your DH afraid to go on his own?

This honestly just blows my mind. There are so many people in the world that don’t have children, I can’t fathom why they don’t just start a relationship with one of them.

I wouldn't go. My SIL was planning a wedding.

It's off now, but she said she wouldn't invite my kids (her nieces and nephews) and I had no intention of attending, neither did my husband.

Life is too short to invest time and money on shitty family members.

Is it possible your BIL just doesn’t understand the importance of your child to your DH in his family unit. Has DH ever really made it clear to his DB that this is his only chance at parenting, how much your child means to him and that he regards your child as his own. Does the BIL fully understand how it isn’t so much the lack of wedding invite, it’s the lack of acceptance of what is in his DB’s heart.
If your DH has indeed explained all of this already, then there is no point in asking further and their relationship is already in trouble.

But it seems your DH wants to try again to make it clear to his DB and parents, one final time, how much your child means to him. I would let him do that if he wants to. But I wouldn’t accompany him to that meet up. It’s between them to sort it out.
Once your DH has made every attempt to make his heart clear to his DB, then you all have to accept BIL’s response and then adjust accordingly.
I hope it works out OK.

Wow, I am really shocked by this post. It is his brothers step child, a child who lives with his brother and is the only father that child sees. I just can't understand how this child wouldn't be treated the same as the DHs biological child.

However, I would be absolutely devasted if my own brother had a registry office wedding and only invited my parents, I think that would show to me exactly what he thought of our relationship. There is no way the OPs DH is actually close to his brother as he would never have considered not inviting them to his own wedding. I think the family dynamics are not normal and also the number of people on this post who wouldn't treat a step child as family is shocking.

This honestly just blows my mind. There are so many people in the world that don’t have children, I can’t fathom why they don’t just start a relationship with one of them.

It blows your mind because it isn't accurate.

The fact that the husband was invited at the last minute and given a shared role does kind of point to the brothers not being close.
It does very much feel like the husband was invited and asked to be best man following an evening out, rather than included from the beginning. After all, a friend of the groom is the other (original) best man.
The same might have happened with his sister and maybe her kids have a role in the wedding.
This doesn't seem to me like a close family anyway, so why is the OP bothered at all.
Her husband can go or not. She can go or not. It doesn't sound like it is going to have an impact on the closeness of the brothers....

It is funny how childish and petty some people are - or think they are - saying how they would behave, demanding that the husband cuts off his brother, hoping that the venue isn't good. Honestly I do wonder if that translates into real life relationships...my guess is it's either made up or you people are a,ready cut off.

Here's a shocker then people. A few years back me & DH went to visit his brother in another country. His kids were invited, but mine wasn't. I didn't give one single shit. And I didn't go home from work crying. Because EVERY FAMILY IS DIFFERENT!

Horrible mean behavior from DH's brother.

If you and DH both feel the same there's a decision to be made about whether both or neither of you attend or DH goes on his own as brother of the groom and best man It would be relationship changing but in my family this would mean we all stay at home. Co-best man means BIL has a back up , he sounds awful.

I wouldn't have asked him for an additional invite for DS though as that's awkward. But I guess it depends on their relationship and if DH felt he could broach the subject.

I think its shitty and I totally understand how you feel. Do you have any inkling about the reason for not inviting DS ? especially if SIl's DC are invited. Is it revenge for your wedding or that DS is not a blood relative? Do let us know what happens.

I hope they all stay home as well because no bride and groom wants this family of dramatic entitled divas breathing their very exclusive expensive oxygen on their special day.

OPand her DH didn't invite family to their wedding - but they didn't invite random colleagues either - plus, even if this is what is behind this nastiness, do you really think that being spiteful to a child is the right way to "punish" the parents?

Really?

I’ve had another read. The OP and the brother were literally only just invited.

I wonder if the BIL and SIL weren’t going to invite them at all (as they weren’t invited to the OP’s wedding) but then thought they probably should. Or a parent has a word.

The OP and H live 300 miles away from the family. They’re clearly not close. If they were, the OP’s H wouldn’t have dreamed of not inviting them to his own wedding.

So, with this arguable lack of closeness, and likely lack of relationship with the OP’s son, perhaps they didn’t realise the family dynamic that the OP and her H have created. They may not know the son has no relationship with his own father. They, as childfree people, may have thought the OP and H would have wanted a child-free night at the wedding, and wouldn’t have thought to spend hundreds on a place setting for a teenager they don’t know.

It doesn’t have to be a big sinister snub by the brother. And I’d be curious to know what he makes of it all.

Bloody he'll aren't people tactless.

Wouldn't bother going it's their fault if the family is now divided over this.

Why don't people think long term

Exactly this.

The posts about a step child not being family are just vile IMO however the family dynamic is much more likely to be a reason for this.

Op and her DH had their parents there so I am sure they could have accommodated their siblings too. The chose what they wanted even though this would have been hurtful to most siblings. BIL is choosing what he wants for his wedding and ultimately who he is happy to pay for. Its ridiculous to say you want to get parents involved and express your unhappiness that you can't dictate the terms of someone else's wedding invites, especially when your own wedding was exclusionary. The fact that there is a stepchild at the centre of this is a red herring. If this is indeed pettiness on the part of the BIL then, you reap what you sow. I would not be surprised if there was not more to this than the OP is letting on. Relations are hard enough with blood relatives, so that people don't necessarily feel as connected to step-family members is not new or a surprise. The BIL may not consider the step child as family and that is his right to do so. Its not what I would do but its BIL's choice.

I don't think it matters whether the OP's DH is really close to her son or whether said son has or does not have a relationship with his biological father. It also doesn't matter if they are 300 miles away. Giving siblings the opportunity decline for whatever reason - timing, distance, costs etc would have been more thoughtful. It likely would have been hurtful even if not expressed. OP needs to respect the boundaries and stop making this all about her child, even if this is tit for tat. Step families do not always accept each other, nor for that matter do blood families. OP of all people should understand people make decisions based on their own feelings and wants irrespective of the hurt it may cause. They can hold that truth for themselves and then complain when others hold that truth.

They can't*

I’ve had another read. The OP and the brother were literally only just invited.

She says in her next post that he is best man along with a friend.

OP's husband should be direct with DB and ask "how did you think I/we would feel when you included other family children and not mine?". The dsc is being raised and supported (and loved) by brother; being a sc is irrelevant when it comes to family events.

Husband should drop out of wedding, but even if he participates, wife should do some other fun activity with her child that day. True feelings pertaining to dsc have been shown, and there's no going back. It's a shame DB and future SIL weren't bright enough to see the wedge they were creating.

My MIL once told me that she was going to give me 3 rather large checks, one for each of our DC. She also said she would not be giving it to B&SIL's adopted child as it was not her real grandchild. I said "DON'T YOU DARE!". B&SIL loved their child as much as we loved ours, and she would put a wedge between the brothers and her own relationship with them that no amount of 'forgive and forget' would ever completely remove. Understandably!!

She gave them a check also. I could not allow her to destroy all of our relationships over money. I would have divided it by 4, and given them a share anyway, but that would've required some explaining that I didn't want to do.

One more story on thoughtful, loving people vs hard-hearted fools.

My friend married a young lady with a young daughter about 8. On their wedding day, he put a ring on the child's finger also. His parents treated that child exactly as they treated all of their other grandchildren from that moment on.

I was starting to think I was the only one who felt this way. I'm so glad you said it. They CAN invite who they want to and I don't get it why anyone is questioning that.

It is so sad, I can't imagine excluding one child like that.