Husband's brother not invited his step-child

[JaynesSmalls]

I got married 4 years ago and my husband became my child's stepfather. My child is 13, and doesn't see their father. My husband has nieces and nephews either side of this age.

My child is sadly my husband's only chance of parenting.

His brother is getting married in a late afternoon early evening wedding in a world famous hotel. They are having 60 people there. Apparently this has been planned for the last two years but we only found out about this a month ago just days before the invitations went out. He told my husband after a night out (he had told their sister that afternoon).

The invitation stated just our names with no mention of my child.

I got it, it's a world class venue and a reasonably small wedding. I totally get child free weddings especially given the time of it. I found out yesterday that husband's sister's kids are invited. Mine clearly hasn't because they are a step-child. I feel quite heartbroken.

My husband asked yesterday if my child could be extended an invitation but was refused. A kicker came a minute later when brother was asked if there was a drop out could they come and brother said if there were drop outs relatively new work colleagues would be invited.

No idea if this is relevant but I want to put my cards on the table so any advice I get will be informed by the facts. My first wedding was massive and as my dad later told my cousin it cost a grand for every month it lasted. My wedding to my husband was in a registry office with just our parents so the sibling who has invited us wasn't invited to ours.

To be fair I don't think it's the same people saying that.

I'm one of the often mentioned step parents of the step parenting board and personally I don't think step parents should have to do the drudgery or that their family should have to treat them the same as bio kids, entirely depending on circumstances.

A SC that has their own other family and visits EOW is very different from one you've taken on as your own from a young age.

It's not a mistake, the wedding couple have dug their heels in and refused to allow the stepchild to attend even if there are cancellations.

But I'm sure the brother wouldn't care if the OP doesn't attend either. Another work friend he can invite instead. Some people just don't see in-laws as family.

That’s unacceptable. A child free wedding is fine. But inviting nieces/nephews but not a step-nephew isn’t nice and I wouldn’t want to celebrate the wedding of someone so mean minded.

I'm dying to know what the world class venue is. Hopefully it's somewhere not nearly as nice as the wedding couple think it is.

I don't think you can expect extended family to treat a step child the same as biological nieces and nephews, especially given the distance and how late your DS came in to your DH's life. Your DH threatening to get your parents involved when it is his brother's wedding just makes him sound silly, especially given that you didn't invite any family other than parents to your wedding.

I'm not sure I completely follow the "their wedding, their rules" line when it can end up with Bride/Groom/Zilla behaviour with no care. So, when if comes to inviting work colleagues over and above family members (leaving aside the argument as to whether a step-nephew counts as family), I would just ask this question to those of us who've been married many years: how many of the people you invited to your wedding (more normal-sized celebrations - not elopements or "just two witnesses off the street" affairs) are you still in regular contact with?
We recently looked through our wedding album (from 28 years ago) and there were a couple of people there (plus ones, probably) who we had NO IDEA about. It took us two days to work out one guy. Never saw him again afterwards as I guess they split up. Now we had quite a large wedding (120+) and all the extended family came but I would have been upset to think that virtual strangers (subsequently, in the grand scheme of things) took precedence over family.
Sometimes you have to look at the bigger, longer-term picture.

These are not comparable situations. No siblings were invited to the registry office wedding whereas nieces and nephews are invited to this one. Just not OPs child because they’re a step niece/nephew.

It’s nasty and I wouldn’t be going OP.

I am sorry but I think we need to know the ages of the children involved. We know your son's age but not the cousins ages - are the cousins in the wedding party? This could also make a difference.

So you didn’t invite his own brother, who he’s clearly
known his entire life and grew up with, to your wedding. But you want him to invite your child, who he isn’t related to, has only had in in his life for a few years, and realistically clearly doesn’t see as his nephew, to his?

This.

I would expect we would all stay at home.

What this is showing you is how BIL sees family in general. For that reason, I wouldn't want to go. Your child is your family. More than BIL is. How your son feels is more important than BIL. I would stay home and do something nice with him instead. Your DH can sort out his own feelings on the matter.

I think that it is rude and a little unkind not to invite your child OP. But maybe they are having family only children and of course BIL is going to view his sisters children differently to your child, although as I say, he could have made an effort.

But I do think you are really over reacting with the being heartbroken and coming home from work. At worst I would have said “disappointed” might be the right emotion.

I also overall think, considering you didn’t invite them at all, that you really have quite a cheek complaining about them. Your and his siblings might not have said anything to you, but that does not mean they were happy to not get an invitation to your wedding. I think that is far ruder than what they have done.

What is it that people don’t seem to get about this? They didn’t invite any siblings at all, none. He has invited other nieces and nephews.

I think that might be a bit of a reach?!

Everybody gets that because it isn’t hard. But just because all siblings are excluded, doesn’t make it any nicer for those siblings. It was still a shitty thing to do.

And the brother has invited his nieces and nephews but presumably does not consider the child of his brothers relatively new wife to be his niece or nephew, because they aren’t. And I do think it was unkind not to extend the invite, but I can also see why he might not.

Only read OPs posts, but it’s nasty and completely irrelevant that you had an expensive first wedding that didn’t last long.

Does your child have much of a relationship with either of the people getting married? If not, then yabu to expect that they should have an invitation and take priority over people that the couple do have a relationship with.

I hope you will be staying home with your child and not attending OP! Disgusting to not invite them

Local WMC. Sausage rolls and cheese & pineapple on sticks.

Welcome to 2023, where some employers let the adults they employ manage their own time and judge performance on outputs.

Dh's db isn't very pleasant not to acknowledge his(dh's) commitment to your dc. I hope dh tells him to get stuffed.

It doesn’t make sense to not invite your son, and it is very unkind. I think your husband should refuse to be best man and refuse to attend. This boy is his stepson for the past four years and going forward. I don’t understand how they can be so brazenly mean.

A SC that has their own other family and visits EOW is very different from one you've taken on as your own from a young age

I think part of why people are having different reactions on this one is that 9 - when the OP and her husband got married - is right on the line, I think.

I wouldn't myself think of that as a young age, the child is very well aware that this is her stepdad, they have lived a significant amount of time without their stepdad and I can see why the step family as a whole might not feel that connection with a child they didn't see grow up.

I think of what you say applying more for when someone becomes a stepparent when the child is under 5.

But I totally see that it's subjective, I can see why some people are seeing it differently.

So what if one of his siblings lived abroad, had a child, and he’d only met the child half a dozen times, not enough to form any relationship. Is it okay to invite the parents but not that child?

Would inviting your dd open open the door to inviting other step children?

If not, it, seems mean in the circumstances.