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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband's brother not invited his step-child

409 replies

JaynesSmalls · 20/04/2023 12:23

I got married 4 years ago and my husband became my child's stepfather. My child is 13, and doesn't see their father. My husband has nieces and nephews either side of this age.

My child is sadly my husband's only chance of parenting.

His brother is getting married in a late afternoon early evening wedding in a world famous hotel. They are having 60 people there. Apparently this has been planned for the last two years but we only found out about this a month ago just days before the invitations went out. He told my husband after a night out (he had told their sister that afternoon).

The invitation stated just our names with no mention of my child.

I got it, it's a world class venue and a reasonably small wedding. I totally get child free weddings especially given the time of it. I found out yesterday that husband's sister's kids are invited. Mine clearly hasn't because they are a step-child. I feel quite heartbroken.

My husband asked yesterday if my child could be extended an invitation but was refused. A kicker came a minute later when brother was asked if there was a drop out could they come and brother said if there were drop outs relatively new work colleagues would be invited.

No idea if this is relevant but I want to put my cards on the table so any advice I get will be informed by the facts. My first wedding was massive and as my dad later told my cousin it cost a grand for every month it lasted. My wedding to my husband was in a registry office with just our parents so the sibling who has invited us wasn't invited to ours.

OP posts:
LadyEloise1 · 24/04/2023 09:40

@JaynesSmalls
What is the relationship between your child and the step uncle ?
(Do they see each other often ?
Get on well ?)
Really important questions you haven't replied to

Lolaandbehold · 24/04/2023 09:48

I would let my husband explain to them that given he has invited his other nieces but not his (step) daughter then you wouldn’t be going.

ITryHarder · 24/04/2023 14:48

Your wedding is a non-issue, as you said. You didn't have a family-event wedding and leave someone out. Over the 4 years you and your son have been in the family, they are always polite. You've tried, but the other nieces and nephews do not embrace him.

Is there something about your son you didn't mention? Is he a sweet, well-behaved child or a holy-terror?

Or, maybe B/SIL are just thoughtless asses.

Original poster
JaynesSmalls · 27/04/2023 12:34

Just wanted to give an update and clear up a few things.

My child is a perfectly well behaved young person.

We actually live in the same city, not 300 miles away as some people seem to think.

The wedding has been booked for two years but nobody, not just us knew. We found out when the rest of the family did.

I used the word 'involved' when talking about my husband's parents, I didn't mean my husband wanted them to advocate on my child's behalf but just to inform them what was happening, in the end my BiL told them.

Anyway we are not going.

At the weekend my husband withdrew from the wedding when BiL was given a chance to rectify things and he said he couldn't but also wasn't inclined to as he felt no relationship with my child as nice as they were, he acknowledged.

Both his parents and his sister said that BiL should have invited my child. On Monday evening his sister asked if my husband would meet her. When he arrived his mother was there as well. They both reiterated that my child should have been invited but sister was annoyed that they whole drama was prompted by my finding out that her children were invited. She said that we were completely out of order to suggest that my child, again as lovely as they are, they acknowledged, was somehow equal to her children in the family.

His father then begged him to come for unity's sake. He said that BiL should have invited my child but it was not their place to compensate them for their absent family.

So there we are!!!

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 27/04/2023 12:41

He said that BiL should have invited my child but it was not their place to compensate them for their absent family.

Can you clarify that? Who is the their/them/their here?

Iwasafool · 27/04/2023 12:46

JaynesSmalls · 27/04/2023 12:34

Just wanted to give an update and clear up a few things.

My child is a perfectly well behaved young person.

We actually live in the same city, not 300 miles away as some people seem to think.

The wedding has been booked for two years but nobody, not just us knew. We found out when the rest of the family did.

I used the word 'involved' when talking about my husband's parents, I didn't mean my husband wanted them to advocate on my child's behalf but just to inform them what was happening, in the end my BiL told them.

Anyway we are not going.

At the weekend my husband withdrew from the wedding when BiL was given a chance to rectify things and he said he couldn't but also wasn't inclined to as he felt no relationship with my child as nice as they were, he acknowledged.

Both his parents and his sister said that BiL should have invited my child. On Monday evening his sister asked if my husband would meet her. When he arrived his mother was there as well. They both reiterated that my child should have been invited but sister was annoyed that they whole drama was prompted by my finding out that her children were invited. She said that we were completely out of order to suggest that my child, again as lovely as they are, they acknowledged, was somehow equal to her children in the family.

His father then begged him to come for unity's sake. He said that BiL should have invited my child but it was not their place to compensate them for their absent family.

So there we are!!!

I'm sorry it hasn't been resolved but it is lovely that you have your husband's support. Do something lovely that day.

melj1213 · 27/04/2023 12:48

At the weekend my husband withdrew from the wedding when BiL was given a chance to rectify things and he said he couldn't but also wasn't inclined to as he felt no relationship with my child as nice as they were, he acknowledged.

So this child is a virtual stranger as a lot of us surmised and therefore YABU to expect an invite for him to an expensive event involving people has has no actual relationship with.

The BIL is not unreasonable to not prioritise inviting a child he doesn't know to his wedding and he is NBU to want to invite his nieces/nephews he has known since birth and presumably has a close relationship with.

Iwasafool · 27/04/2023 12:50

melj1213 · 27/04/2023 12:48

At the weekend my husband withdrew from the wedding when BiL was given a chance to rectify things and he said he couldn't but also wasn't inclined to as he felt no relationship with my child as nice as they were, he acknowledged.

So this child is a virtual stranger as a lot of us surmised and therefore YABU to expect an invite for him to an expensive event involving people has has no actual relationship with.

The BIL is not unreasonable to not prioritise inviting a child he doesn't know to his wedding and he is NBU to want to invite his nieces/nephews he has known since birth and presumably has a close relationship with.

Where does it say he is a virtual stranger? She said the BIL felt no relationship with the child, doesn't mean he's a virtual stranger.

Clarabell77 · 27/04/2023 12:51

Kush1016 · 24/04/2023 09:20

I was starting to think I was the only one who felt this way. I'm so glad you said it. They CAN invite who they want to and I don't get it why anyone is questioning that.

Of course they “can”. Just like a manager “can” bully someone for being gay/black/Catholic/female - but it’s highly likely there will be repercussions when people do the wrong thing.

CharlotteRose90 · 27/04/2023 12:53

The right things been done on all sides. Your DHs family clearly don’t see your child as one of their own. You can’t force them to accept her. Don’t go and you won’t regret it.

CharlotteRose90 · 27/04/2023 12:54

Clarabell77 · 27/04/2023 12:51

Of course they “can”. Just like a manager “can” bully someone for being gay/black/Catholic/female - but it’s highly likely there will be repercussions when people do the wrong thing.

Show quote history

It isn’t the wrong thing though. The child isn’t related to them. They aren’t obliged to have her at the wedding. Not every family accepts step children.

aSofaNearYou · 27/04/2023 13:14

I think it's a real shame your DH isn't going alone tbh, it would have been the obvious thing to do.

SeulementUneFois · 27/04/2023 13:29

" sister was annoyed that they whole drama was prompted by my finding out that her children were invited. She said that we were completely out of order to suggest that my child, again as lovely as they are, they acknowledged, was somehow equal to her children in the family."

What do people think about this?

I think it's true but obviously unpalatable to people...

CovertImage · 27/04/2023 13:30

It would be helpful to know firstly if any children other than the OP's SiL's children are invited and secondly whether SiL's children have a role in the wedding or are simply there as guests

If the answers are "No" and "Yes" then it might help OP feel better about why her child isn't invited and it isn't just because they don't like him

CovertImage · 27/04/2023 13:31

Oh soz, I missed the update

OhmygodDont · 27/04/2023 13:39

The jist is really he has no relationship with your child thus does not feel inclined to invite extra children. Sils children are invited because he has a relationship with them.

Norhing to do with step this or that just a case of inviting people the bride and groom actually have some kind of relationship with.

Peapodburgundybouquet · 27/04/2023 13:55

OhmygodDont · 27/04/2023 13:39

The jist is really he has no relationship with your child thus does not feel inclined to invite extra children. Sils children are invited because he has a relationship with them.

Norhing to do with step this or that just a case of inviting people the bride and groom actually have some kind of relationship with.

I think it’s this. I know it must be hurtful to you but this is an expensive wedding, they have limited numbers, and he doesn’t know your son. An adult friend taking up the space makes much more sense.

I agree with him, as much as his honesty clearly hurts you. You’ve got your H’s support on this, so you can take comfort from that, I guess. He wants to stick with you.

But I don’t think your BIL is unreasonable and it’s a shame your H isn’t going to his brother’s wedding. It’s going to cause big ructions.

But as I said before, you clearly aren’t close to the BIL or you’d have invited them to your small wedding. But you didn’t. So I guess if you don’t see them again, you’ve not really lost anything. Your H may come to see what he’s lost in time, though.

ehb102 · 27/04/2023 14:08

I'm not surprised you aren't going. If you marry someone with children they become your family unit. Not inviting them is on the same lines as not inviting cohabiting partners or one half of same sex married couples, it's basically refusing to acknowledge the relationship.

Acornsoup · 27/04/2023 14:14

@JaynesSmalls I am sorry that it has come to this conclusion. I am glad ILs and DH's DS are backing you up with the 'should have been invited' comment. However I think that are all still missing the point with the equality of DC's conversation. Glad DH is backing you up - he's a keeper. The rest of them not so much Daffodil

dittbtdity · 27/04/2023 14:14

Perhaps Bil feels that 3rd parties have no right or place to dictate who he, Bil, invites to his social events, and if I were Bil I'd be fed up with the whole business and hope to have as little as possible to do with OP and her husband and child in the future.

Willyoujustbequiet · 27/04/2023 14:25

SeulementUneFois · 27/04/2023 13:29

" sister was annoyed that they whole drama was prompted by my finding out that her children were invited. She said that we were completely out of order to suggest that my child, again as lovely as they are, they acknowledged, was somehow equal to her children in the family."

What do people think about this?

I think it's true but obviously unpalatable to people...

Shocking thing for the sister to say.

Of course the OPs child is equal to the neices and nephews. I can't believe people openly admit to saying essentially an adoptive child is lesser somehow. Disgusting attitude.

billy1966 · 27/04/2023 14:34

My goodness OP,

Such ugliness against a child from both your husbands siblings.

Hard to believe that the cost of a meal for a child would precipitate such unkindness.

Your BIL's refusal to have her, because she is only a step child, and your SIL's outrage at the suggestion to your husband that the children are equal.

What a way to talk about a child.

Would they like her to wear a sign around her neck.🙄

I don't know what to say, its all so awful.

DangerNoodles · 27/04/2023 14:35

OP's child is not adopted, her husband is only the child's stepfather. If OP and her DH split there is every chance that the family would never see OP's child again. SIL is right to be upset, OP's child isn't really on equal terms with her children.

Children not being invited to a wedding is not the same as a manager discriminating against staff and it's offensive to compare the two. For a start there is the Equality Act that means the manager can't discriminate. There are no laws in place governing wedding invites.

Peapodburgundybouquet · 27/04/2023 14:41

ehb102 · 27/04/2023 14:08

I'm not surprised you aren't going. If you marry someone with children they become your family unit. Not inviting them is on the same lines as not inviting cohabiting partners or one half of same sex married couples, it's basically refusing to acknowledge the relationship.

This is of course true of the OP’s H. But the brother in law is under no see the child the same way. He clearly doesn’t know this teenage boy. He obviously does know his sister’s biological children.

I don’t think it’s the ‘ugly exclusion’ some posters are claiming. It’s a bride and groom, choosing who they wish to invite to their expensive and limited numbers wedding, and choosing to not invite a child they don’t know. They invited the OP and her husband.

I wouldn’t have taken kindly to being told who to invite to my wedding. In fact, we invited a couple to ours and despite them not being invited, they turned up with their two tween children. Who had no place and weren’t catered for. Awful. So rude.

Iwasafool · 27/04/2023 14:44

Peapodburgundybouquet · 27/04/2023 14:41

This is of course true of the OP’s H. But the brother in law is under no see the child the same way. He clearly doesn’t know this teenage boy. He obviously does know his sister’s biological children.

I don’t think it’s the ‘ugly exclusion’ some posters are claiming. It’s a bride and groom, choosing who they wish to invite to their expensive and limited numbers wedding, and choosing to not invite a child they don’t know. They invited the OP and her husband.

I wouldn’t have taken kindly to being told who to invite to my wedding. In fact, we invited a couple to ours and despite them not being invited, they turned up with their two tween children. Who had no place and weren’t catered for. Awful. So rude.

Show quote history

Presumably they have known the child as long as they have known the OP so how come she got an invite? Her invite is due to her being family to her husband, the same should apply to the child.

If we are going to talk about rude then leaving your brother's step child out is right up there.