Husband's brother not invited his step-child

[JaynesSmalls]

I got married 4 years ago and my husband became my child's stepfather. My child is 13, and doesn't see their father. My husband has nieces and nephews either side of this age.

My child is sadly my husband's only chance of parenting.

His brother is getting married in a late afternoon early evening wedding in a world famous hotel. They are having 60 people there. Apparently this has been planned for the last two years but we only found out about this a month ago just days before the invitations went out. He told my husband after a night out (he had told their sister that afternoon).

The invitation stated just our names with no mention of my child.

I got it, it's a world class venue and a reasonably small wedding. I totally get child free weddings especially given the time of it. I found out yesterday that husband's sister's kids are invited. Mine clearly hasn't because they are a step-child. I feel quite heartbroken.

My husband asked yesterday if my child could be extended an invitation but was refused. A kicker came a minute later when brother was asked if there was a drop out could they come and brother said if there were drop outs relatively new work colleagues would be invited.

No idea if this is relevant but I want to put my cards on the table so any advice I get will be informed by the facts. My first wedding was massive and as my dad later told my cousin it cost a grand for every month it lasted. My wedding to my husband was in a registry office with just our parents so the sibling who has invited us wasn't invited to ours.

This

ITS NOT RELEVANT!!!!!!

Jesus this is CHILDREN we are talking about what’s wrong with you all!!!!!!

what a way to say ‘you’re not welcome in our family, you’re not blood’

Don’t be rude to me.

I am not totally disagreeing with you. I’d support the OP in not going, she feels (clearly strongly) her child is being excluded. She previously alludes to that happening within the family anyway.

However, I don’t agree that the relationship between the child and the groom is irrelevant. If they don’t know each other (for whatever reason), why would he invite a young teen over an adult who he does know and would like to invite? To an expensive ‘world class’ (read: three figure per head) venue with a very small guest list.

It rather sounds like, seeing as they’d only just found out about this wedding, and because they didn’t invite the siblings to their own wedding, that none of them are very close at all.

The H is up in arms and is well within his rights to not attend either. I’m not suggesting they force themselves along.

But I do think the relationship with the bride and groom is relevant.

So would I.

This is just being spiteful, and is incredibly unkind to the child involved.

I'd wish them a lovely day, but wouldn't go.

I wouldn’t go . I also would not invite any future children of them to anything because that would be my child being out aside and I would be as petty as I could be forever !

The answers here are very different from the step parent board. On there most step parents don't even consider their own step children to be part of their family, let alone their brother's wife's child. Go read a few threads on that board. Most think the idea of doing anything for a step child means the bio parent is a lazy, useless, worseless parent. They do not believe a step parent should ever put a single dollar or moment of time towards step children - that is them being taken advantage of. That board gives very good insights into how negatively and critcally many feel about step children and why the brother might not be inviting a child that is his brother's step child.

Do you think this wedding is mainly coming from the bride's point of view, as you have only just found out about it and your DH is best man. Do you think sister's children were invited as have been in family all the time, whereas if wedding was planned 2 years ago, your child hadn't been in the family that long. How often does your child see the bride and groom, do they have a close relationship with them?

Given the husband is co-best man, then it would appear that they are close.

This is kind of where I land, depending on how much the OP and her husband have made the brother part of their lives, including the children.

I mostly invited partners to my wedding, for example, but one woman was very cagey about her boyfriend, never introduced us, never made a token gesture of friendship. Since she came solo often to events, it seemed that she should be happy enough coming to the wedding alone.

If the OP's husband has never so much as said, "hey, let's have a siblings and kids pub lunch", his brother might not even feel like they've become a family in that way.

I think in this instance you need to put your child first OP. Your BIL has made it clear your DS is not welcome at the wedding, as even if there are drop outs, your DS still won't be invited. In those circumstances I think you should decline to go, as it's clear that they don't really consider your DS as part of the family.

If your BIL had indicated that they would try to find a place for your DS if one became available, that would be quite different.

Oh give over. You are talking about people who think you shouldn't be obliged or pushed to do those things, not that you shouldn't do them full stop. If you want to do them that's your choice.

Stop lurking on threads and then totally misrepresenting what is said on them.

Ok, so you live 300miles from your brother and they don't know your biological son. He's not invited. But they do know their sister's daughter so they invite her.

Are we saying that ok?

Of course this is a great opportunity for family members who don't know each other to get to know each other, but hell why bother.

Add in that's it's step child who has been in a situation where they feel rejected by their biological father. Step dad is great. Only for them to be rejected by his family as 'not good enough' as he's not biological and cos brother has a chip on his shoulder about your wedding.

Is this ok? To take out the petty vendetta between adults on an already rejected child and to not value the opportunity to bring him into the family and get to know them?

It 100% is about the lack of consistency and the vindictive nature of this using A VULNERABLE CHILD as a pawn in his adult drama and chip on shoulder.

Piss off. I'd be unhappy if husband went to the wedding but I wouldn't stop it, but I definitely wouldnt attend because he doesn't want to try and make a relationship.

The registry office wedding was about formality not a big celebration. The OP didn't want that for whatever reason and that's ok. There wasn't a personal element to not inviting siblings. This is very much personal.

Children. Yes they are children.

I wouldn't waste £200 + a head at a world class venue on my own spotty teenager let alone someone else's who I have no meaningful relationship with.

If I were your DH I’d be declining the invitation. If you had only just met DH I’d understand but he has been a stepfather to your child for a few years and your DC is obviously a big part of his life. I’d be hurt by this and wouldn’t be going.

To me it looks like the brother is trying to make a situation where he asks brother to choose between him or his new family tbh.

Op can go and read the threads for herself to see how step parents talk about their step children and the responses that are given about how involved a step parent should be.

I think if it's a child free wedding other than nieces and nephews then it's fine.

Your child is not their nephew, although you've been together for 4 years your child wasn't a tiny, he was 9.

Yes it would be lovely of them to invite him but the wedding is probably £££ per head with limited numbers and they want their friends and loved ones there, and your child isn't their nephew so they probably like him well enough, but not to bump someone else from the wedding which is fair enough.

Op can go and read the threads for herself to see how step parents talk about their step children and the responses that are given about how involved a step parent should be.

Yes, and will see that you are talking about your arse. Very rarely is it said that you should not do any of those things. It IS often said that you should not HAVE to do all those things.

It does seem that where it involves usual family life and drudgery step parents should be able to avoid interaction with step children but when it comes to gifts and celebrations step children should be treated the same as bio children in the extended family

Any his brother doesn’t want a wedding involving step children. Maybe they were as fuming as you are about not being invited to your wedding but kept their feelings to themselves?

At the centre of this is a 13 year old being ostracised from a family wedding, and that's cruel. You are a family unit and the brother seems to be forgetting this.
If your child was all grown up, flown the nest and off doing their own thing this would be different. But he/she is a child cared for by your DH and that seems to mean nothing to the brother/family.

I'd refuse to go, let DH go and do his bit. But they've made their position clear and I wouldn't give them the time of day from now on.

I wonder if this is because you did not invite him to your wedding?

If the OP's own wedding was the issue and this is tit-for-tat, then presumably she and her DH wouldn't be invited either?
No one attended her wedding apart from parents. It wasn't some siblings/kids but exclusion of others.

Honestly I don't think either side is wholly right or wholly wrong.
I totally get that your dh sees your child as his child now and that the kind, generous thing to do would be for bil to recognise this and invite your child. But from bil's pov, your child isn't the same as his actual nieces. People decide to blend their families but their parents and siblings don't get to choose and maybe don't always have the bonds that develop naturally with children they are biologically related to.

And it's a small wedding, they want people they actively choose and you chose not to include them in your wedding - you can't legitimately complain about this. At the same time, it's still hurtful - you want them to love your kid or at least respect your husband's bond.

If your dh talks to him and makes it clear that your child is family to him, as important as his biological child would be and bil doesn't respect that, then I'd decline the invitation. Hopefully bil cares enough about your dh to have a rethink.

I do think your extreme reaction is ott though - from their pov they are having a wedding with limited places snd just want guests that mean something to them. You can't force feelings.

@redroseflyer on another thread a stepmum is complaining that her DH is asking her to do childcare for an afternoon. Many other stepmums will be saying she is right to complain, she didn’t marry her DH to do that, not her children, not her responsibility, she doesn’t have to do anything with them, not same as bio children. But if this stepmum’s brother was getting married it would appear from this thread that the brother should invite the stepchildren as they should be treated as family

This is a really tricky one! Personally, I think what you did for your wedding is irrelevant because you were consistent.

I think that his brother has been very unreasonable and is signalling that he doesn’t really regard your child as his nephew. Which I think is pretty outrageous seeing as you’re married! But in doing so he’s put you in a really hard position because although it’s him who has been a dick, It’s you or your husband who are potentially going to have to choose to take a stand, and that makes it look like you who is generated the drama when actually it’s his brother.