Husband's brother not invited his step-child

[JaynesSmalls]

I got married 4 years ago and my husband became my child's stepfather. My child is 13, and doesn't see their father. My husband has nieces and nephews either side of this age.

My child is sadly my husband's only chance of parenting.

His brother is getting married in a late afternoon early evening wedding in a world famous hotel. They are having 60 people there. Apparently this has been planned for the last two years but we only found out about this a month ago just days before the invitations went out. He told my husband after a night out (he had told their sister that afternoon).

The invitation stated just our names with no mention of my child.

I got it, it's a world class venue and a reasonably small wedding. I totally get child free weddings especially given the time of it. I found out yesterday that husband's sister's kids are invited. Mine clearly hasn't because they are a step-child. I feel quite heartbroken.

My husband asked yesterday if my child could be extended an invitation but was refused. A kicker came a minute later when brother was asked if there was a drop out could they come and brother said if there were drop outs relatively new work colleagues would be invited.

No idea if this is relevant but I want to put my cards on the table so any advice I get will be informed by the facts. My first wedding was massive and as my dad later told my cousin it cost a grand for every month it lasted. My wedding to my husband was in a registry office with just our parents so the sibling who has invited us wasn't invited to ours.

I think the 'political reasons' refers to the child's biological father's family. And OP was hoping the step father's family would fill the gap.
It's an odd one - no one is wholly right or wrong. It does muddy the waters a bit when OP and her dh had a wedding that excluded all siblings.
But the bil has decided to invite siblings, wanted the OPs dh to be best man and it's a little odd that he wouldn't accommodate something important to him. Particularly when it's one place only. I think there's more going on in this family than we can get from the OP's posts - maybe underlying family tensions and resentments even the OP might not be aware of.

Wow, you see an awful lot of red flags where there are none. There was no wedding other than a registrar's office and BIL and SIL didn't mind. World-class venue being planned for two years is immaterial, and OP erred in even mentioning it. OP DID make efforts for her child to be closer to dh's family. In mentioning the expense of her first wedding, she simply explained why she didn't want yet another one especially since her dh didn't either. That you even used the word 'bragged' might be a red flag about you.

DH is devastated... that should matter to his brother. BIL admits he thinks child is nice. After 4 years, he feels no relationship to his db's sc. That's on him and any other family members who feel that way. Not being blood would exclude half the people at most weddings.

There is no 'entitlement' here. OP AND her son are now family members and have been for quite some time in the same city where she has extended invitations for a warmer relationship.

Nowhere was the word 'outraged' used. Another red flag on you.

BIL and SIL not expressing hurt about not being invited is not the same as not being upset. I would think that most siblings who lived in the same city as each other would be upset as not being invited to their siblings wedding. There is clearly more going on here than OP is letting on. It would still have been a small wedding with 6 more people there. That you don't find that odd is your perogative. But it is a massive red flag IMO. Yes OP was bragging. 'I had a big wedding first time round and wanted something more intimate' would have sufficed. It cost '£x per x' was absolutely a brag. OP gives off shady vibes. Why would BIL not tell family until just before the wedding?
Like I say, YMMV.

Has your DH adopted your daughter?

They can invite who they want to their wedding, and they can live with the consequences of their choices. I would take this personally and hold a grudge for a really long time.

Therein lies one of the most important questions - why would BIL not tell family he's getting married until just before the wedding? Especially a brother and bridal party member. That might be a red flag also. You are correct that there may be more going on than OP is telling. I asked about that, but didn't get anything specific.

And honestly, if BIL and SIL are harboring some sort of grudge at not being invited to a marriage held in an office and taking it out on a child, they are people dh should disown anyway. But, I find it hard to believe they are that kind of people, so OP and dh's marriage is immaterial, and I wish people would stop making it part of the issue.

Everything else aside, why would two adults want to hurt a child, and by extension a brother and the child's mother, who is invited?

You see OP as bragging; I don't. We'll agree to disagree on that. I still question your exaggerating the word annoyed to enraged. Big difference. The final decision was not to attend. Sad. A big wedge in a family over a child (a family child) being at a wedding. No wonder the world is so full of discontent, hatefulness, resentment, racism, wars and so on instead of contentment, liking, loving, acceptance, empathy, blah, blah, blah. OP may have omitted some vital details, but many of the responses tell an interesting story.

This boy lives with OP and her dh as their ds, no ex's family involved. In those circumstances you treat him as family. It's their choice of course but very mean spirited.

My dm's older half sister was born in 1910, I still send her great grandchildren birthday presents.

Absolutely agree. Very mean spirited to choose to hurt the feelings of a child, under any circumstances.

unless your dh has adopted your dd,it is a completelt different scenario to your nephews and nieces.He is not her father legally or biologically, that is another man no matter how much you wisk otherwise.

But the only reason the child's feelings are hurt is because their parents have made a massive fuss over them not being invited!

The child has "no opinion" on the BIL, has a nonexistent relationship and isn't close in any way shape or form to his "Uncle" so why would they be bothered by a lack of invite?

There is clearly a lot going on that the OP hasn't said, but it seems her DH isn't actually that close to his siblings - he didn't even consider inviting them to his own wedding; I couldn't ever imagine getting married without all my siblings being invited as a minimum - and yet is surprised when his brother had decided to prioritise people he has a relationship with (his nieces/nephews he has known since birth and seemingly has a close relationship to; and people he works with) over someone he barely knows (OPs son, whom he has known for a few years and doesn't have anything close to an "uncle" relationship with) for an invite for an expensive event he is funding to celebrate his relationship.

I have aunts and uncles on my dad's side of the family that I have a perfectly cordial but distant relationship with - we can go out for meals and make polite discussion, spend time together at wider family events etc - but if they were getting married and didn't invite me then I wouldn't be all that bothered. My dad is the youngest of his siblings so when I was born all my aunt's and uncles were all mid-30s at the youngest and they all live away from our hometown so I didn't see them all that often, and kids were definitely to be seen and not heard - they'd ask about school and what we were doing as extra curricular activities then we'd be sent outside/to another room to play so the adults could talk.

On the other hand I am extremely close to some of my maternal aunts and uncles as when I was born two of my uncles were still teenagers so we have a more "cool older sibling" type relationship - there is the same age difference between my mum/uncles and me/uncles. I grew up going on family outings with them, them babysitting me (and then me babysitting their kids when I got to my teens) and taking me out for the day and just being the "fun" uncles that took us to the park, let us go down the slide our mum said was too dangerous; fed us chips, chocolate and fizzy drinks before taking us home before the sugar crash kicked in ... If one of those uncles had got married without inviting me as a child (and both uncles got married when I was 10-12 as I was bridesmaid for both) then I would be devastated because we had such a close relationship.

Oh Lord, here we go again! You don't even know if the child knows his parents have made a fuss, if that's what you call it. And the child may have no opinion on BIL because no one has ever reached out to it or accepted an invitation. And he never said anything negative about BIL either, as far as we know. We don't know how close dh and his brother are, but we do know they're close enough for the groom to ask his brother to be best man and OP to be invited. And why in the hell do people keep bringing up OP and dh's wedding when they wisely didn't have a traditional family event and from everything OP said, the siblings have no ill feelings. Makes me wonder how many of you would dump on a sibling because, boo hoo, you weren't at it's wedding.

Your circumstances may have made sense with your family dynamic, but it is very different from this situation. For 4 years, she has tried to form a relationship for her DC, but for some reason DC is rejected. Come on OP - tell us what you're leaving out! Is it religion, is it racism, is it fear of something? Is it a deformity or illness? Even the BIL said he's a nice kid, so what's wrong.

Whatever, my heart goes out to the child, and you may have married into a family of asses, and are being advised by many more. You and DH go have a good day with DC and put it behind you. The saddest thing about all of this is the wedge that's now in this family over something so easily remedied, and BIL and SIL defend their actions to the end at the expense of a child and a sibling relationship. What a world!

the sibling who has invited us wasn't invited to ours.

Well, there you go.

Have you or your DH ever reflected on how his brother might have felt about this?

Just to clarify again my husband and his siblings are actually close and I don’t believe there is any hidden drama and I also don’t believe that this will make any difference to their relationship going forward.

As for our wedding my husband has asked his sister about her thoughts on our wedding. She said something along the lines of each to their own and she wished we’d had a big wedding as she liked weddings but there is no resentment.

We were told about the wedding at exactly the same time as everybody else; they just didn’t want conversation about the wedding to dominate for two years.

An update for those who are interested.

Father-in-Law was begging DH to go and he remains very disappointed. He felt that he would not exclude my child from a family event but totally understood why BiL did. He does feel however, that I want them to make up for the deficits of my child’s biological family. I most definitely do not but want them to be respectful of our family unit.

What I hadn’t realised until last weekend was that my brother-in-law had not been present at Sister-in-Law’s wedding as he had been travelling. So with DH not being at this wedding my in-laws have never had all three siblings at their children’s weddings.

My brother-in-law mentioned this in his speech and gave the reason my husband wasn’t there. My husband’s health was toasted along with all “absent friends” (Father-in-Law’s brother-in-law died the week before at the wedding). Apparently he brought the house down with his wit, something I can well imagine.

The bride and groom had been honest and open about my husband’s absence which according to my sister-in-law gave rise to lots of conversations that supported Brother-in-Law’s choices, apparently the guests felt that my DH had been unreasonable not to go because his step-child would have taken the place of someone they were close to.

This seems to be supported by DH’s cousin who had been looking forward to seeing him at the wedding. He texted asking him to catch up and said he was sorry that he felt unable to go to the wedding.

So that is the update.

I don't suppose people were likely to say they were wrong at their wedding, taken the place of someone they were close to when he was prepared to invite a random from work?

I'm sorry for what they did, you deserved better and so did your child but your husband very definitely did.

I bet his cousin thinks your BIL is a fool. I hope you did something nice instead of the wedding.

It seems really crass to mention this a wedding toast. I doubt he had as much true support as you are being told. Respectable people don't criticize anyone at their own wedding.

In fact, I was at a wedding once of long-time family friends. The aunt of the groom started making critical remarks about the bride and groom's choices to my mother. I have never looked at her the same way since.

The OP’s DH was supposed to be the best man so I think it’s understandable that he was mentioned in the speeches.

Mentioning him is of course ok. The OP wrote that he went beyond that.

"My brother-in-law mentioned this in his speech and gave the reason my husband wasn’t there."

I'll be he didn't say "My Brother didn't come because I refused to invite a child that he considers his own."

So his speech mentioned it.

“my dear brother, my best man, it’s a shame he wouldn’t join us today because I didn’t have space to invite his wifes child” “let’s toast to those we love who are not here”

kinda thing. I mean I like his balls tbh 😂

The brother talked about it at the wedding!!! Talk about airing dirty laundry!!! Now I absolutely know who the ass is.

And all those people who agree with his not inviting the child - they are wrong!! The brother created a wedge of a lifetime and compounded it by bringing it up to the masses. All so he could invite one more co-worker he barely knows over a family member. Your husband may have sacrificed his brother's wedding in favor of a child and it's mother he cares for, but the brother sacrificed his brother all in the name of a silly wedding guest list.

Your FILs comment about you wanting them to make up for the deficits of the child's biological family is just sad. Some people would go above and beyond to do that for a child, even a strangers

This
Talk about airing dirty laundry!!!

He gave the reason in the wedding speech?!

He made a dick of himself.

Of course no guest shouted that out. But many people will have thought, it's a pretty crazy hill to die on.

My goodness OP, what twats your BIL/SIL are.

All over inviting one little boy. Unbelievable.

As for everyone agreeing with them?

Really?

I find that very hard to believe.

I think most people would be absolutely shocked that a couple would be so insistent on the grooms brothers step child not be there.

Inexplicable that they should cause their parents such upset.

You were not unreasonable to expect your family to be treated with respect.

I think this couple are not good people and if my child was to behave in such a manner I would be appalled, and would let them know their actions were spoiling what should be a joyous occasion.

I would be MORTIFIED to have raised someone so petty and unkind.

How any parent would be happy or proud of your BIL and his behaviour is beyond me.

As for bringing it up in the speeches?

Vulgar, crass, tacky and utterly cringeworthy are what I imagine any guest with an iota of self awareness would think.

Don't allow your husband to make you feel guilty about HIS brothers choices.

You are some woman if you are prepared to carry on as normal with them.

Really shameful behavior by DH’s whole family. BIL’s clever speech is a sign of how embarrassed he was that his own brother wasn’t at the wedding.

Correction.

Do not allow your FIL make your husband feel guilty about the Grooms horrible behaviour.

Sounds like the Groom is more like his father.

I guarantee you plenty of people listening thought your husband was in the right, but weren't brave enough (or rude enough, in fairness) to say it.

You really can’t guarantee that.

It’s entirely possible that popular consensus was/is that OP’s DH was unreasonable in declining to go. That that this isn’t what some posters would like to believe doesn’t change that.