Husband's brother not invited his step-child

[JaynesSmalls]

I got married 4 years ago and my husband became my child's stepfather. My child is 13, and doesn't see their father. My husband has nieces and nephews either side of this age.

My child is sadly my husband's only chance of parenting.

His brother is getting married in a late afternoon early evening wedding in a world famous hotel. They are having 60 people there. Apparently this has been planned for the last two years but we only found out about this a month ago just days before the invitations went out. He told my husband after a night out (he had told their sister that afternoon).

The invitation stated just our names with no mention of my child.

I got it, it's a world class venue and a reasonably small wedding. I totally get child free weddings especially given the time of it. I found out yesterday that husband's sister's kids are invited. Mine clearly hasn't because they are a step-child. I feel quite heartbroken.

My husband asked yesterday if my child could be extended an invitation but was refused. A kicker came a minute later when brother was asked if there was a drop out could they come and brother said if there were drop outs relatively new work colleagues would be invited.

No idea if this is relevant but I want to put my cards on the table so any advice I get will be informed by the facts. My first wedding was massive and as my dad later told my cousin it cost a grand for every month it lasted. My wedding to my husband was in a registry office with just our parents so the sibling who has invited us wasn't invited to ours.

No this is on her son not her DIL and her child.

What I wonder is where BIL imagines the relationship with his brother will go after this.

The BIL feels so strongly about NOT having his brother's step child there, that he has stated he would ask new colleagues that he doesn't really know, rather than extend a last minute invite to.

Unbelievable.

I cannot fathom such a nasty spiteful response.

It does make one realise the different lives we all lead on MN and how needlessly awful some families are to each other.

I feel sorry for the MIL too, that one of her son's would feel it necessary to be so needlessly nasty towards the step child of his brother, whom he asked to be his best man.

Really inexplicable.

i would be appalled at the Grooms ascertain that he exacerbate the upset by saying he would ask new colleagues than the child in question.

Why?

As there is so much divorce/separation/remarriage/new partnerships these days we are going to have many, many children who won't be included in their step-parents wider families.

I find that very sad.

There's a difference between being right on a technicality (which bil is, since it's his wedding, he doesn't view the child as family) and being right morally (for want of a better word). A sensible person would consider that they love their brother and their brother loves the child (and considers the child to be his own). Therefore you invite the child in order to make your brother feel happy and welcome.
While to you (the groom) the child isn't your family, you accept that he is to your brother and for the sake of one place, you don't stomp all over your brother's feelings and commitment to that child.

Absolutely this.

And if I was the MIL, I would be so upset about this.

All this angst and unpleasantness over one child going to a wedding.

The likely only fathering experience her son will have and yet his brother feels it necessary to be so exclusionary.

As for his sister, yes of course her children will be extra special to his mother, but did it really have to be rubbed in his face.

I think there is real unkindness and ugliness at the heart of this, and if it was happening among my children I would be devastated.

Only a SD - like it's nothing

Hmmm I don't think this is really an accurate summation unless you are inviting children generally. Everyone has a commitment to their own child, but if you're not inviting the children of all of your guests then surely with the ones you DO invite, it's because of your relationship with them, not their parents relationship with them?

I get that argument but to me, family children are different to those of friends. If it was my wedding, and I knew my brother viewed his step child as his own and I was inviting my nieces, I'd invite my brother's step child. Particularly if my brother was close enough to me emotionally to be part of my official wedding party. I'd want my brother to feel comfortable.
Totally different if it's a child free wedding or even if a step child is non resident and not viewed as the child of the step parent. There's no hard and fast rule. I just can't imagine, having had a conversation with my brother and hearing how he feels about this child, saying 'nah, don't care, gonna invite a work colleague instead'.

This story has more holes that a colander! If the DH was close enough to his brother to be devastated by the step child not being invited, his brother would surely have been devastated by not being invited to the OP's DH's wedding. The OP talking about world class venues and how expensive her wedding was, admitting they had room for parents but not siblings, has red flags written all over it.

I have asked. @JaynesSmalls on here what the relationship between her child and her bil is like but I don't think I got a reply.

Reminds me of a similar story not so long back... at least this OP doesnt have shared children to deal with and her DH appears to be supporting her. Why do people have to be so nasty to children... is it their fault they are 'step's!!

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4751479-eldest-child-and-in-law-wedding?postsby=StarbucksSally

Couldn't agree more.

I'm fortunate that my step children and my husband's step children are treated the same when it comes to family events. Yes my mom might buy one or two things more at Christmas etc to her biological grand children but it all done tactfully and considerately.

When it comes to events they are all invited and all treated equally. Step families are a family unit and should be treated as such. There is absolutely no reason or justification to do otherwise.

But I wouldn't end a family relationship over this. (I am in a similarish situation with my bro- but he has blanket said no children at all) I've told him what I think, and I've said how weddings are a union of family's and children are part of that. He won't budge, I will go and I won't say anything negative again or act negatively. I'll go because as much as I disagree he's my brother and I love him. My partner is staying home with all the kids, bro is unhappy with that, but tough he made the rules and this is how I have managed them. And hopefully we will be able to move past this and he will enjoy his day, because this isn't an issue I'm going to lose my brother over! (I realise this is very different to what I said in the first paragraph! But up until this incident they have been treated equally- I suppose they are even here as they all are excluded!)

I think your husband and his brother need to have a chat, miss out the middle man of his sister and mother. Really talk about why it's important. And see if change happens if not then try to repair.

I also think this is a societal issue too. Priorities have changed, rather than a union of two people and two families the emphasis is now on a fancy do in a fancy place with an amazing dress and cake and flowers and cars and photographer... you get the idea the importance is now based on material things and as a result people can't afford to invite all the family so instead cull the wedding list.

So far this year I've been invited to 5 weddings all bar one have excluded children, are on a weekday, miles away from home. It's impossible to accommodate and all for material reasons.

It's sad times when a posh place overides family duty.

Marriage itself has changed. It’s largely about a love match, rather than two families coming together as an arrangement.

You’re presenting a false dichotomy. The flip side of a wedding with children is not a perfectly curated, materialistic event. It’s perfectly possible, and not uncommon, to have a low key, casual wedding that is also childfree.

I don't understand why the brother just didn't invite SC. It is a weird place to take a strong stance. It is one person. It's not like inviting a cousins kid and then in that circle there are 30 kids and now you have to invite all. I don't think blended families are as black and white as people tend to write on MN. He doesn't view SC as an equal nibling (there can be variety of reasons) fine, but if it is important to his own brother then why draw such a hard line for no reason.

Yes, this the way I view it too.
What a sad situation for the family, that what was supposed to be a happy occasion has caused such heartache.

Did you even read OPs story?

So you didn't invite ANY of them to your wedding but now are upset YOUR child from a previous marriage didn't get invited. A kid that BIL doesn't feel a connection with and a kid that is 'polite' to his step uncle, but by the soundsof it: nothing more than that. No bond, no connection, just polite conversations like you would have with a neighbour.

Your dh is the step dad to your kid, but that doesn't make him a dad. It could only be in name. Maybe even they aren't that close. And I assume they aren't as you dont mention any kind of warm bond between them.

Then why on earth are you now pouting that your kid isn't invited. Who cares about other kids being invited. Your bil obviously has a bond with them. And not with your kid. It's his wedding. His choice

Just like YOU made the choice to not invite him at your wedding....

Normally I would say the couple who are getting married can decide who they invite to the wedding, but in this case your husband's brother is being a dick. I wouldn't go to the wedding, and would make it known why. I would also have little contact with him in future, he's shown his true colours.

The sister is right. The OP's child is not a blood relation to BIL. The BIL hasn't seen him!her as a baby and grow up in the same way.

However, the OP's child is now the equivalent and lives with his brother full time. I can understand why he is upset.

I am lucky in that my stepmum's family always invited me to family events despite me not being a blood relation, and long after my DF died. They are lovely and welcoming people.

BIL said that he doesn't feel a relationship there which is sad but can't be argued with. I'd want to know how often they have been together at events.

Well, personally I would have gone alone if I were your DH. And if I were you I’d completely drop the rope with your husband’s family and focus on your own.

Yes and all the updates. Did you? OP and DH chose a small wedding, only inviting parents not siblings, some or all of whom live in the same city. DBIL plans wedding at 'world class venue" and keeps this a secret from everyone for two years. DBIL invites everyone just before the wedding. DSIL children are invited l, not OPs child who are not close to their step cousins, in spite of efforts on OPs part. OP' and DH are outraged the parents and DSIL agree that DSC should be invited to a wedding they have no rights to dictate terms to.
Why not invite siblings? Especially if they live in the same city? Red flag
OP brags about the cost of her first wedding and talks about world class venues. Red flag
DBIL keeping wedding secret for two years. Red flag
Not getting ok with DSC. Red flag
The only chance to be a father... Not only loaded, but also a Red flag.

The expectation that DSC in this specific situation be seen as equal to blood DCS. Red flag

We know OPs father paid a lot for her first wedding, and that her DC doesn't have a relationship with bio father or family (political). However OP hasnt written anthing which indicates a warmth of relationship / closeness with her DH's siblings. Close siblings dont exclude siblings who live in the same town. In respect of family agreeing with OP, I would expect DPIL and SIL to say DBIL should invite DSC when confronted, even if they don't believe it, most want to.avoid direct confrontation.

It's the height on entitlement to expect to dictate terms for someone else's big day when you had an exclusionary wedding yourself.

IMO OP's story does not stand up.to scrutiny YMMV.

The OP alludes to it in her second post:

for 'political' reasons won't have a relationship with their father's nieces are disappointed that my husband's nieces and nephews haven't really embraced them in spite of trying on our side with invitations etc. These are the children of his sister.

I have never really understood this. So basically, he stepchild has no relationship at all with the groom, the groom’s sister or the groom’s sister’s kids. For ‘political’ reasons. Whatever that is…

I have never heard my child comment on DH's brother or express an opinion on him. All of them are polite when we see them.

This shows the stepchild has no relationship with the groom. At all. They don’t spend time together or engage and the child is of no opinion of him.

Yes what's this "political reasons"??? It reads strange...