Husband's brother not invited his step-child

[JaynesSmalls]

I got married 4 years ago and my husband became my child's stepfather. My child is 13, and doesn't see their father. My husband has nieces and nephews either side of this age.

My child is sadly my husband's only chance of parenting.

His brother is getting married in a late afternoon early evening wedding in a world famous hotel. They are having 60 people there. Apparently this has been planned for the last two years but we only found out about this a month ago just days before the invitations went out. He told my husband after a night out (he had told their sister that afternoon).

The invitation stated just our names with no mention of my child.

I got it, it's a world class venue and a reasonably small wedding. I totally get child free weddings especially given the time of it. I found out yesterday that husband's sister's kids are invited. Mine clearly hasn't because they are a step-child. I feel quite heartbroken.

My husband asked yesterday if my child could be extended an invitation but was refused. A kicker came a minute later when brother was asked if there was a drop out could they come and brother said if there were drop outs relatively new work colleagues would be invited.

No idea if this is relevant but I want to put my cards on the table so any advice I get will be informed by the facts. My first wedding was massive and as my dad later told my cousin it cost a grand for every month it lasted. My wedding to my husband was in a registry office with just our parents so the sibling who has invited us wasn't invited to ours.

I'm really sorry to read your update, OP. I think your DH's family are idiots. Even if they're not nice enough to welcome your DC as family, they don't seem to have the wit to understand that if they don't, then their relationship with their own son will suffer as a consequence. They seem to be stuck on who's entitled to what status within their family. Totally their loss. Your DH sounds lovely.

Brother/son I should have said.

In this case I think I would want your DH to meet in person with his brother.
The brother should know the depth of feeling that your husband has for his SC.
Could it be that the niece is a flowergirl?
Would your child be allowed to attend the service but have pizza in your room later while you are at the celebration?

I would treat the issue very carefully so as not to destroy the relationship between the two brothers.
You didn't invite them and so it is not unfair from that stand point.

You and your husband should accept the invitation, I think.

To pp’s claiming that it’s logical and acceptable to not invite the OP’s dc because the BIL doesn’t have a relationship with them, and the SIL’s dcs will be invited because BIL does have a relationship with bio nieces/nephews…

Well OP’s DH’s family are making it abundantly clear that OP’s child is not viewed in the same way as the other children, so probably follows that BIL has chosen not to develop a relationship for this reason. It feels deliberate.

There will be families with no step or adopted dcs/grand dcs who go through life completely taking for granted the security and reassurance of belonging.

I know what it feels like to not belong in a family or thought of as equal as a child. It’s hurtful and damaging, but mostly it’s just fucking unnecessary. What on earth would it cost (these) people to make a child feel loved and welcome?

I think damage is done here anyway, but if I was OP’s DH, I would to clearly explain to his family that he views OP’s dc as his own child, and loves them as such and they are all hurt and disappointed that his family have chosen not to. Put the ball in their court and if their views remain the same I would take a step back from those relationships.

Oh please no, a child is allowed to attend a wedding and then sent to his room with a pizza while everyone else parties. Talk about a slap in the face.

It’s just not the same, which might be the ugly truth of blending families. But it’s a situation that’s bound to arise. And an expensive wedding with limited numbers is an example of that when it might happen. And especially when, as the OP herself has said, they don’t have a relationship.

Totally agree with this!

Is his brother closer to his sister’s children then your own?
Its really really tough but I think some people struggle to see step-children as part of their own extended family. In particular weddings where kids aren’t always welcome and only really close relatives children would be invited.

It’s just not the same, which might be the ugly truth of blending families.

Then it's an ugly truth people should have the sense and decency to conceal. Telling your brother - your best man! - that his stepchild comes below new work colleagues on your reserve list of potential invitees is inevitably going to damage that relationship.

It’s a common belief, and concealing it won’t change that fact.

When it comes to blended families it is indeed a reality that may occur, whether it’s liked or not. It’s arguably better to be pragmatic about it and consider the situation as it is, rather than what you would like it to be.

god these are nasty nasty people.

it’s the cost of one child’s meal. BIL could have easily agreed to give your child first refusal for any last minute cancellations.

the entire family could keep to themselves that they don’t count your child, your husbands step child as family.

I have children from a previous marriage and my husband and I have children together.

if my IL’s chose to blatantly discriminate against my older children, they’d have no kind of relationship with any of us. Because I’m the one who organises meet ups and invites them over. Left to DH there’s be no relationship whatsoever.

my older DC would absolutely maintain a relationship with my DH if we split up, they’d maintain a relationship with all my IL’s. Because they’re treated with love by all of them.

how horrific for a young child to be rejected by people she probably thinks of as her family.

I hope BIL trips and falls headfirst into the wedding cake.

No you don’t reject or treat a child of the family as less than the rest of the children.

I would not expect inheritance or child maintenance or anything. But inclusion in family events absolutely.

reading such awful posts and peoples blasé responses and agreement makes me realise how very lucky I am to have loving inlaws.

This works both ways you know.

They don’t consider themselves your DS’ family so you and your DS don’t need to return the favour. So don’t do any ‘wife work’ to arrange anything nice for them - don’t give so much as a birthday card or a Christmas present. No need to see DH’s side of the family during holidays - they can focus around their ‘family’.

People like this make me so angry because they clearly can’t see that their other son, by drawing a line between a step gc and blood gcs, will probably begin to draw the line between his parents and his partner’s parents when gc come along. Idiots the lot of them.

its a bit different if this was a non resident child, who they never mix with.

But a resident child, one assumes goes to family events normally, as much as the OP's husband does? (ie easter and xmas). therefore is "part of the family" rather than a virtual stranger.

i mean i probably see my nephew once a year due to distance but still he is part of the family.

I'm curious about the comparisons people are drawing between your wedding invites and BiL wedding invites. It's not the same.

A comparable situation would be if you'd invited just SiL to your wedding because you see her more and not invited BIL. You didn't invite anyone.

Or if BIL had not invited any children to his wedding including your child rather than just some nieces and nephews.

I'm also interested with SiLs children how old they are and how much time they spend with BiL? Are they really close? It would still feel unfair but if he's known them for a decade and spends comparably way more time with them then I can see some reasoning.

Fundamentally I think in a case like this where your DH considers your son to be his son in effect and he is the father figure-you can't invite some children in the family and not others and not expect fall out. Does it not matter to BiL that his brother and best man considers this child his son? It's a very rigid way of looking at things from your BiL pov.

I think it’s very odd, and quite petty, to invite OP and her DH and exclude the DC.

They are perfectly entitled to invite whoever the hell they want to, but this makes them look selfish and rather spiteful. OP and DH have behaved with dignity. Now they know where they stand with his family.

I'm sorry to read that instead of stupid and thoughtless it turns out they are just awful. The DC is resident, and therefore, presumably goes to all family events normally. Nobody ever invites some children, but not others, based on how close they feel to them. Can you imagine?? 'Well your DS is invited, but frankly I don't click with your DD so she's not'. Its not about how they feel, its about treating all the family the same so that you don't ruin relationships and can rub along okay over the coming years. Your poor DH must be gutted.

.. and he is not likely to ever have one at this rate, is he.

For all those saying, "he doesn't know his step-nephew, he has no relationship, blah blah blah" his step-nephew is now part of his immediate family and his rather short sighted and selfish actions will now cause a wedge between the family for years to come. If he would prioritise his newish work colleagues over his family, then that is down to him and his rather thoughtless wife-to-be.

I am so glad for you OP that your husband has your and your son's back. As it should be and you have his parents support here too. Save the wedding outfit and present money and book an amazing weekend away for the date involved so you have something lovely to look forward to. And if they then change their minds, look them in the eye and tell them your family break has priority over their fake wedding - the whole purpose of which is supposed to be the union of two people and their families.

A step nephew or just nephew isn’t really immediate family. Not if you don’t actually have a relationship with them.

It’s like the strange cousin you don’t know but your mum forces you to invite. You don’t know them but “family”. You know a cousin being your “immediate” families child.

My immediate family certainly isn’t my nephews. It would be my husband and my children. At a push my parents.

A wedding is a union of the two people. Not the whole extended family.

It’s an invitation not a summons. You don’t have to go, don’t be afraid to put bils back up. He obviously hasn’t cared about doing that to you!

It's amazing how many people don't even seem to have read what OP said. She and her dc have been in the family for 4 years, live in the same city and have reached out with invitations. Her and husbands' wedding has no bearing on anything because they didn't have a traditional wedding with guests, and husband's siblings never minded. If that were the case, then OP and husband wouldn't have been invited. The child is the one specifically being targeted.

Many are correct that people have a right to invite anyone they want to an event. They have a right to dump on anyone, even a brother. They have a right to hurt the feelings of a child and the child's mother. But what does that say about them, and worse, that they don't seem to care.

The mistake OP made was calling this 'a world-class wedding'. There is no class at all in this wedding. Otherwise, the right thing would have been done - brother's sc would have been included since other family children are.

OP, is there something you haven't told us about dc? If not, the only thing world-class are the two cold-hearted asses getting married.

I feel sorry for the MiL in this story. She must feel very sad that she won’t see all of her children together at one of their weddings because of a partner and unrelated child.

I feel sorry for the MiL in this story. She must feel very sad that she won’t see all of her children together at one of their weddings because of a partner and unrelated child.

FFS, she won't see both her sons at the wedding because one of them has hurt the other's feelings very badly.

This!

I'm sorry Op but I think you're both out of order. Your DHs relationship with his brother (& potentially wider family) is now ruined (or at least tarnished) and whilst it would have been nice for your DC to be invited, your BIL wasn't in the wrong. Such a sad situation and one I think your DH will ultimately regret.

What's not the same? OP came into the family 4 years ago, her child came into the family 4 years ago. That sounds the same to me.