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Original poster

Aftermath of brother’s wedding

373 replies

HuxleyDog · 20/04/2023 10:11

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4222570-Am-I-selfish-Brother-s-Wedding?postsby=HuxleyDog

I have tried to post a link to my only ever mumsnet post from 2 years ago.

After I posted my little boy came in early July following a good bit of drama. My brother relented and allowed all of us to come to his wedding however we chose to only go to the ceremony and he did seem pleased about this. On three occasions between birth and wedding my brother had the same conversation about what would happen if the baby cried. It got a bit heated. We decided to sit at the back but my dad insisted we come to sit with family. My boy slept throughout. Family did come to fuss but there was no distractions from wedding.

They now have a lovely five month old baby!

Relationship between us and sister-in-law has changed and we are not as close as we were, but my brother still comes round. I have stopped asking about her as he always seems embarrassed.

My sister-in-law’s father died a month ago very suddenly. My mother and I went round immediately but SiL was out with her mother. When she came in she screamed at us to get out saying it wasn’t about us and we’d ruined her wedding. She claimed that we didn’t care for her father but we should be happy we had saved money on the band. We had no idea what she was talking about.

It turned out my father who is divorced from my mother had withdrawn funding from their wedding when he found out my husband and baby were banned from wedding. When we were invited and my dad tried to pay Sister-in-Law’s dad wouldn’t take the money.
None of us knew this. My mother swears she knew nothing.
I texted my sister-in law apologising and saying that we knew nothing. It’s obvious that I am blocked. There’s nothing I can do is there? My brother just said to leave it. My dad is genuinely upset but still thinks he did nothing wrong especially as baby slept throughout.

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https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4222570-Am-I-selfish-Brother-s-Wedding?postsby=HuxleyDog

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 21/04/2023 07:30

I meant it was awful that op's husband was not invited.

FannagBeg · 21/04/2023 07:31

I'm going against the grain.

What grain? There isn’t a grain. There are a host of differing opinions.

Bloopsie · 21/04/2023 07:36

What adult expects someone else to pay for or even towards their wedding? Embrassing.

Bloopsie · 21/04/2023 07:37

Banning a newborn from the event who sleeps 75pcnt of the time,lol. Lame. I would have happily skipped that one.

CrackerAndPudding · 21/04/2023 07:39

Bloopsie Its not clear anyone expected that before it was offered. But is it embarrassing to accept when offered?OPs brother did, and since her father was going to contribute to the brothers I'm assuming he contributed to OPs, so she would likely have accepted too

Groovychick91 · 21/04/2023 07:42

Without reading previous post: did they want a childfree wedding but you did not respect their wishes and insisted on forcing your way in baby in tow. Then other people got involved, your dad sounds like a manipulative arsehole with the withdrawing funding when they didn't comply with what other people wanted. What the fuck it was their choice to have a childfree wedding! You didnt even sit at the back when asked to. If i were your SIL I would feel disrespected, it sounds like you bulldozed her wedding and made it all about you and your newborn. It was their day, not all about you and they did not want your baby there as they did not want interruptions. I don't understand why people think the SIL is unhinged. It was their wedding and they day should have been about them.

AIGenerated · 21/04/2023 07:44

OP, why did you go to the wedding?

This was about them starting a marriage, a life together, and you presumably wanted to continue to be part of their life. So why push and shove your way past her boundaries at her own wedding? It's a terrible way to start a relationship.

This woman may never have liked you. She does sound very difficult. You may never have gotten along. She sounds controlling and petty. But equally you had no right to be at that wedding. Your wants were prioritised over her own at her own wedding.

And that's before we throw in your Dad withdrawing funding.

What do you think her response today would have been, if you had immediately said you could not make the wedding, sent a card and gift, wished them your very best, and had a celebratory meal with them at a lter date?

I don't think your duty to your db is to be at his wedding; it's to support his relationship and the family he is trying to build.

Anyway, harm's done now. If you want to try and repair your relationship with her - and she doesn't sound a good candidate for that - then try. Start with an apology. Not for your Dad's bahaviour but for your own.

SaySomethingMan · 21/04/2023 07:47

I understand you wanting a relationship with sil but she clearly doesn't want one with you. Save your peace and see your db on his own. Hopefully though him, your dc can develop relationships with his.

I don't understand the fuss over children not being present at weddings tbh. I do love seeing the whole family at weddings and without children, it appear's somewhat clinical

ImAvingOops · 21/04/2023 08:05

It's not unusual for parents to contribute towards wedding costs - I think it's unnecessarily picky for posters to think bride and groom were wrong to accept a gift. Lots of parents would be offended if they weren't allowed to contribute!
But a gift should not have strings attached and it was probably hurtful to your brother that his dad did this.
I think a lot of this situation might have been improved if only your dad had not interfered.

Ooolaaaala · 21/04/2023 08:11

I am wondering why you have posted this now as the incident with the SIL was a month ago.

Also did you and your parents go to the funeral?

How is your DB relationship with his DF? Was this previously difficult or did it decline after his decisions around his wedding and the strong armed antics of your DF.

Are you actively involved in the life of their new child or have all relationships reduced to your DB visiting you alone? Does your SIL / DB involve you and parents in family celebrations?

I have found this thread surprising but maybe that’s because culturally I would never disbar a newborn from a wedding especially immediately family - although if it was decided by the hosts I wouldn’t dispute it - but would take a dim view of them privately - and I have never heard of this happening IRL.

Also I would drop in and visit as again it’s a cultural expectation in my community but if the grieving person was not from my community I would respect that. Also if things were tense I would check ahead to give them the opportunity to avoid.

Just wondering what’s going on for you a month after this incident for you to be unsettled enough to post now?

Mirabai · 21/04/2023 08:17

This woman may never have liked you. She does sound very difficult. You may never have gotten along. She sounds controlling and petty. But equally you had no right to be at that wedding. Your wants were prioritised over her own at her own wedding.

If you read the OP they all got on perfectly well prior to this.

If they paid for their own wedding they could whatever the fuck they liked and alienate as many people as they pleased.

But you can’t expect to take money from a family member for event and expect to exclude another family member. It’s totally unreasonable to expect the DF to be complicit in their mistreatment of OP.

Bridezilla expected a fantasy wedding at someone else’s expense while upsetting who she pleases in the process.

Life simply does not work like that.

Emigratingimmigrant · 21/04/2023 08:25

Also I would drop in and visit as again it’s a cultural expectation in my community but if the grieving person was not from my community I would respect that. Also if things were tense I would check ahead to give them the opportunity to avoid.

See now that is a mature and normal thing to do!

Mirabai · 21/04/2023 08:33

See now that is a mature and normal thing to do!

The mature and normal thing to do is not to go batshit bridezilla over your wedding while snatching cash from your FIL and then bear a grudge for 2 years.

OP and her mum were just trying to do the right thing. It was a bit clumsy but well-intentioned - they didn’t grasp the extent of SIL’s batshitery.

Emigratingimmigrant · 21/04/2023 08:43

Mirabai · 21/04/2023 08:33

See now that is a mature and normal thing to do!

The mature and normal thing to do is not to go batshit bridezilla over your wedding while snatching cash from your FIL and then bear a grudge for 2 years.

OP and her mum were just trying to do the right thing. It was a bit clumsy but well-intentioned - they didn’t grasp the extent of SIL’s batshitery.

You simply don't surprise someone who you have no or strained relationship when their parent dies.

Sil's parent's death is not about OP. Well was not🙄
Whatever happened before is different matter to surprising bereaved who does not like you.
As someone very recently bereaved, the only batshittery on this thread is total disregard of the bereaved's feelings now they are dealing with loss of the parent and calling them twat for being upset and losing it🤷🏻

CrackerAndPudding · 21/04/2023 08:47

Why the repeated use of Bridezilla? The OP said in her original thread she thought this was equally coming from her brother. It was her brother who raised the point of the newborn at the back in three strained conversations. Is it just plain sexism or am I missing something?

Also, given that they ultimately refused money from OPs father, even after the fact when the decision was made, how can anyone infer this they were "snatching cash". When it came to it, they didn't want money that came attached with conditions.

ittakes2 · 21/04/2023 08:48

I also think you should ask for this thread to be taken down - this poor woman is grieving she doesn't need this profile.

Mirabai · 21/04/2023 08:49

Emigratingimmigrant · 21/04/2023 08:43

You simply don't surprise someone who you have no or strained relationship when their parent dies.

Sil's parent's death is not about OP. Well was not🙄
Whatever happened before is different matter to surprising bereaved who does not like you.
As someone very recently bereaved, the only batshittery on this thread is total disregard of the bereaved's feelings now they are dealing with loss of the parent and calling them twat for being upset and losing it🤷🏻

Show quote history

The strained relationship is entirely SIL’s own fault. You simply do not take a new family member’s cash and then try and exclude their close relatives from the event they’re paying for and then hold a grudge over it.

It’s clear that the OP had no idea of the extent of SIL’s grudge and madness.

SIL is clearly selfish, entitled, toxic drama queen and I wouldn’t waste any more time on her.

diddl · 21/04/2023 08:50

batshit bridezilla over your wedding while snatching cash from your FIL

So if SIL is a cash snatching batshit bridezilla, what is Op's brother?

FannagBeg · 21/04/2023 08:51

I think the thread should go, yes.

OP hasn’t even participated. All a bit odd and unhelpful.

Mirabai · 21/04/2023 08:54

CrackerAndPudding · 21/04/2023 08:47

Why the repeated use of Bridezilla? The OP said in her original thread she thought this was equally coming from her brother. It was her brother who raised the point of the newborn at the back in three strained conversations. Is it just plain sexism or am I missing something?

Also, given that they ultimately refused money from OPs father, even after the fact when the decision was made, how can anyone infer this they were "snatching cash". When it came to it, they didn't want money that came attached with conditions.

On the contrary, OP said that SIL and DB ‘were on the same page, ‘ but that DB looked ‘embarrassed’ when it was discussed (as well he might). She also said he ‘would have backed down’.

Call it brideandgroomzilla if you like.

LBFseBrom · 21/04/2023 08:55

ittakes2 · 21/04/2023 08:48

I also think you should ask for this thread to be taken down - this poor woman is grieving she doesn't need this profile.

We don't know who she is.

I've never come across a bereaved person who has shrieked at a well meaning visitor.

Mirabai · 21/04/2023 08:55

diddl · 21/04/2023 08:50

batshit bridezilla over your wedding while snatching cash from your FIL

So if SIL is a cash snatching batshit bridezilla, what is Op's brother?

They’re both as bad as each other.

diddl · 21/04/2023 08:55

FannagBeg · 21/04/2023 08:51

I think the thread should go, yes.

OP hasn’t even participated. All a bit odd and unhelpful.

Yes with Op having not been back it's unclear what she wanted really.

Just to vent?

Have her SIL piled on again?

Sympathy for herself again?

Emigratingimmigrant · 21/04/2023 08:56

LBFseBrom · 21/04/2023 08:55

We don't know who she is.

I've never come across a bereaved person who has shrieked at a well meaning visitor.

Show quote history

Maybe because normally you only get visitors either planned or the ones you actually like

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 21/04/2023 08:56

Sister in law sounds dreadful, especially shrieking at you and your mum when you went round to offer condolences. It is quite normal for family members to drop in after a bereavement. She may not have wanted it (I must admit I didn't, just wanted to be on my own), but it was kindly meant and a mature, reasonable person would have sucked it up for half an hour.

I’m lucky enough to still have both my parents and I don’t know what I’ll do when I lose them. But I can tell you damn straight - one thing I definitely won’t be doing is “sucking it up” if people I can’t stand decide their need to offer condolences is more important than my need to grieve in peace.

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